Starring: Danny McBride, James Franco, Natalie Portman, Toby Jones, Justin Theroux, Zooey Deschanel, Charles Dance, Damian Lewis, Rasmus Hardiker, Simon Farnaby
OUR RATING: ★★½
Comedy fantasy directed by David Gordon Green. The story follows Prince Thadeous (Danny McBride), who has always lived his life in the shadow of his brother, the heir apparent, Prince Fabious (James Franco). Tired of always being passed over, Thadeous is now content to slack off, drink and enjoy the company of a maiden or two, while Fabious has fabulous adventures. But when an evil wizard kidnaps Fabious’ fiancée, Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel), Thadeous has no choice but to find his inner hero and join his brother’s quest to save her.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 57)
Narrator: [voice over] Prepare thyself for a twisted tale. Through the chapters of time, legends have been told of brave knights, evil warlocks, beautiful maidens, magical prophecies, and other serious shit.
[with a hanging rope around his neck]
Thadeous: Oh, fuck me!
[a dwarf executioner is standing beside Thadeous reading from a scroll]
Dwarf Executioner: Prince Thadeous of Thorn, you are hereby sentenced to death by hanging for your elicit behavior with the noble Dwarf King’s second wife, Regina.
Dwarf King: You’re a disgrace to any kingdom! I say, hang you bastard!
[the crowd shout in anger for Thadeous to be executed]
Dwarf Executioner: And your minstrel, Courtney is to be tarred and feathered, for unlawful association with a deviant.
[we see Courtney being tarred and feathered]
Courtney: I’m allergic. Please! Let’s not!
Thadeous: Please! These allegations are being greatly exaggerated! It was more or less just heavy petting, with a brief moment of penetration!
King Tallious: Please tell me that you completed your simple task and secured the treaty, signed by the lord of the dwarf boons.
Thadeous: Father, they sent a beautiful woman to distract me! I was defenseless!
King Tallious: Don’t bandy words with me, Thadeous. Your brother is to return from his quest at any moment. Please go and bathe yourself.
Thadeous: Why must I bathe just because Fabious…?
King Tallious: Because you smell like the underside of a sheep’s scrotum! Oh, if your mother could see you now.
[addressing the crowd]
Fabious: As you all know, the evil wizard Leezar has plagued our kingdom with his foul creatures and witchy ways for years. But with my brave, trusted knights and my dear Simon.
[a small robotic bird flies through the crowd]
Fabious: Join us my mechanical friend. We have dispatched the latest of these cold blooded enemies. Behold the head of Leezar mighty Cyclops!
[holds up a decapitated head to show the crowd and the crowd cheers]
Fabious: This is not the only good news that I have brought home with me today. Father, brother, kingdom…
[he goes to meet Belladonna as she makes her through the crowd]
Fabious: …I’d like you meet my bridge to be, Belladonna.
[the crowd cheers and Fabious kisses Belladonna]
[telling her story of how she’d met Fabious]
Belladonna: I’d been held captive by Leezar and held in a tower since I was a child, never knowing love or human contact. But I never gave up hope, singing everyday and praying that someday my hero would find me.
Fabious: And I did. We’d just slaughtered the Cyclops, we were on our way home and in the wind I heard the most beautiful song.
Thadeous: Fascinating. Really. May we take pause for one moment.
[he taps his wine glass to get everyone’s attention]
Thadeous: Look at Courtney’s new haircut. Doesn’t it make his head look like the tip of a penis? It’s hilarious!
King Tallious: Thadeous, please. That’s enough!
[as he watches people dancing]
Thadeous: I don’t like this. Courtney, will you make funny faces to entertain me?
[Courtney starts to make faces making Thadeous laugh and clap until he gives a smile in the shape of a triangle]
Thadeous: No! Never triangle face! I have triangle face! It scares me.
Julie: Good evening, your royal highness.
Thadeous: Hello, freaking Julie.
Julie: What a wonderful, wonderful evening, sire. Yet another glorious achievement in a whole firmament of starring moments for your brother Fabious. We shall remember it for the rest of our lives.
[Thadeous starts miming moving his hips backwards and forwards as if having sex]
Thadeous: [to Courtney] Isn’t that amazing, how he can talk and suck my cock at the same exact time?
Courtney: Incredible. Oh, clean yourself up.
[Courtney throws a handkerchief at Julie]
Thadeous: You should close your eyes, Julie.
Julie: I know your vulgarity masks your pain.
Thadeous: No, it doesn’t.
Julie: I was trying to remember the last time we had one of these wonderful evenings for you, sire. Surely there must have been one. Somewhere, in the history of this kingdom of your illustrious life, there must have some moment that we can all remember. And I’m trying to think now, and there’s nothing.
[referring to the decapitated head of Cyclops]
Thadeous: Why would you bring that disgusting thing here? It’s getting juices in our water supply!
Fabious: It’s souvenir of my kill. I always take one from a foe that’s tasted the cold, unrelenting steal of my blade.
Thadeous: Souvenir of your kill? That sounds like a rather stupid blood thirsty tradition.
Fabious: What’s your problem? Why are you such a sourpuss?
Thadeous: I’m not being a sourpuss! I just didn’t want to be at that celebrations.
Fabious: All I want is for you to be part of this moment. I want you to be gay with me and father.
Thadeous: I don’t want to be gay with you two! I’d rather just stay here with my blade and fuck things up.
Fabious: Why would you say that?
Thadeous: Because Fabious, it’s true!
Thadeous: I want to be king.
Fabious: Maybe we can both be king.
Thadeous: No. I want to be king by myself!
Fabious: Well, cheer up brother. I have something else that you can be.
Fabious: Best man at my wedding. I can think of no one else I’d want by my side as I sing my vow passionately into her eyes.
Thadeous: Sounds tedious and boring.
Fabious: If I’m not mistaken, it is the tradition that the best man gets to lay with the bridesmaids. Plural.
Thadeous: Really? I’ve never heard of this tradition.
[Fabious nods his head to confirm it’s true]
Thadeous: You have a fucking deal.
Fabious: Oh, you’re going to be so handsome! Who’s going to be the most handsome best man?
Thadeous: Probably me.
Fabious: Who’s the prince with the most dashing mustache?
Fabious: Who gives the warmest hug?
Thadeous: Me, of course.
Fabious: I love you, Thadeous.
Thadeous: [awkwardly] That’s cool.
[as Thadeous is about to join Fabious he hears Boremont talking about him]
Boremont: Best man? If he wanted a best man he should have chosen me. How many quests have I been on with Fabious?
Manious the Bold: Thousands.
Boremont: Hmmm. I gave my hand to save his life on the battle field. And yet he chooses Thadeous as his best man. That sorry sack of shit! Such a poor excuse for a prince. He’s nothing more than a self-entitled rotten prince!
[he smashes the table with his metal hand]
Manious the Bold: Idiot.
[at Fabious’s wedding waiting at the alter for Thadeous to show up]
King Tallious: Enough. Enough. If Thadeous wishes to play forgetful on his brother’s day of days, then wait we shall not.
Fabious: I can’t get married without my brother! He’s my best man!
King Tallious: His time’s past. Pick another best man?
King Tallious: Julie, you be best man.
Boremont: [to himself] Dammit!
Fabious: Reveal yourself, stranger. Are you lost?
Leezar: A thousand pardons. I mean not to intrude on such a joyous occasion. However, today I just could not help myself.
[he drops his hood and reveals himself]
King Tallious: You’re not welcome here, devil!
Fabious: If you come in peace, say so! Otherwise, prepare to meet your doom.
Leezar: Oh, brave Fabious. You murdered my Cyclops! But I have other plans in store for you. Ones that are beyond the bounds of your imagination. One in particular, involving an ancient prophecy destined of evil filled by a powerful warlock. Me! And of course a very beautiful virgin that looks just like…
[looks around the women in the wedding crowd then points at Belladonna]
Leezar: …her! I was keeping her back for something very special and I dare say it was rude of you to steal her from me. Now I’m here to get her back.
Fabious: And just how do you plan on doing that?
[cracks his neck]
Thadeous: No one get up. I’m very tired. I’m going straight to my bed chambers.
Fabious: Brother, thank God you’re alive! When you didn’t show up for the wedding I feared the worst.
Thadeous: Oh, why are you crying?
Fabious: Leezar has taken my love!
King Tallious: So, your brother is about to embark on yet another quest. This time to rescue Belladonna and rid the land of that loathsome retch, once and for all!
Thadeous: Wow! How noble of him.
[turns to Fabious]
Thadeous: Well, it was nice to see you, as short as a visit it was.
King Tallious: It is finally time for you to become a man! You must journey with your brother to rescue his bride.
Thadeous: Father, you cannot be serious! If you want me to go on to a quest then let’s start with something easy. Like boiling a chicken, or beating off in front of a Pegasus. Elementary things!
King Tallious: Look around at all the harm that has befallen this castle! This quest is your last chance to prove to me and the kingdom that you are a man worthy to bear the family crest. And to show that it at your core you are not rotten. That you are brave and honorable and noble. All the qualities expected of a prince. The choice is yours. Either journey with your brother and the knights Elite, or you can face banishment from the kingdom.
[in the tower where’s he’s keeping Belladonna captive]
Leezar: Perhaps keeping you in this tower has left you ignorant. You’re so easily deceived. For example, I have heard that your prince Fabious has made his bed recklessly with many, many maidens. And I heard that he has fungi on his genitalia as a result. Also he organizes orgies with wenches and barbarians alike. He takes part in them and gives it to women freely. Spilling his seed willingly as he makes his way through the orgy.
Belladonna: I don’t believe you.
Leezar: He is not the dashing young man you believe him to be. So, these are the harsh realities of the outside world. Welcome home.
Julie: Sorry to disturb you two love birds, but we’ve arrived at the home of the Wize Wizard.
Thadeous: Who the hell is the Wize Wizard?
Fabious: He’s an ancient seer, who helps men on their quest with ale and insight.
Thadeous: Great. Well, let me know how it goes.
Boremont: Leave him in his carriage, Fabious. You and I will seek council with the Wize Wizard.
Fabious: No. Come brother, this is the first stop on your first quest. We shall go together.
[noticing Thadeous wearing a full armor]
Fabious: Brother, you look ravishing in that armor. But I don’t think you’ll need it. The Wize Wizard is a peaceful little old man.
Thadeous: I’m wearing it. You’re just being jealous.
[as he goes to take step forward he falls down the stone steps]
Great Wize Wizard: Who dares enter my den?
Fabious: It is I, Prince Fabious and my brother, Prince Thadeous. We come to seek council.
Great Wize Wizard: Come, come. Give me kisses.
[Fabious goes closer and kisses the Wize Wizard on the mouth]
Fabious: [to Thadeous] Kiss him.
Thadeous: Fuck, no!
Fabious: Kiss it on the mouth. For the quest. I do it every time I come.
[reluctantly Thadeous leans closer to the wizard]
Thadeous: Hello. Nice to meet you.
[he puckers his lips and kisses the wizard on the mouth]
Great Wize Wizard: Fabious has been coming here since he was a boy.
Thadeous: You did this when you were a child?
[turning to the wizard]
Fabious: We had great times. Didn’t we?
Great Wize Wizard: Yes. Yes. We did.
Thadeous: You would kiss him?
[Fabious nods to confirm]
Fabious: Sometimes we would do other things.
Thadeous: Like what?
Fabious: When I was younger we’d take our shirts off and jump on the bed.
Great Wize Wizard: [laughing] Playful secrets!
Fabious: Don’t tell father!
Great Wize Wizard: Breathe deeply of these herbs and share a vision with me.
Fabious: Of course.
[Fabious takes the pipe and takes a couple of puffs and hands it to Thadeous]
Thadeous: Yes. Allow me to puff as well.
Fabious: These some powerful herbs! Giving me dark visions.
Thadeous: Shall we pack this again? I’m not feeling visions. I’m not sure if it’s working wizard.
[he takes a few more puffs from the pipe]
Great Wize Wizard: Visions! Visions!
[Fabious holds his head after getting high from smoking some herbs]
Fabious: Thadeous, are you seeing what I’m seeing?
[Thadeous looks calmly at Fabious]
Thadeous: You making a fool of yourself? Handle your shit, Fabious. Please!
[after the wizard has given them a magical compass]
Great Wize Wizard: This cricket compass will catch the light and point the way to the labyrinths location. Be warned, they say the walls of this maze drive men to madness. But if you can find your way, the blade will be yours.
Fabious: Thank you, Wize Wizard.
[he gets up to leave]
Great Wize Wizard: Not so fast. First you must answer a riddle. What journey be long and twisted and sensitive at hand? To what end must man go to discover the depths of his ecstasy? Think hard strong warriors.
Fabious: Fuck! I know this!
[after thinking hard for a few seconds]
Fabious: I got it! You want us to twist, what is long, with our sensitive hands?
Thadeous: He wants us to jerk him off!
Great Wize Wizard: Just touch the tip and twist it.
Thadeous: We are not going to do that.
[Fabious turns to Thadeous]
Fabious: If it’s for the quest, we will do what needs to be done.
[Fabious starts touching the wizards penis with Thadeous reluctantly extending his hand to do the same]
[as Fabious and Thadeous leave the Wize Wizard’s house after jerking him off]
Thadeous: This quest sucks!
[Thadeous is sulking in his tents after he was fooled into eating a heart of a pig]
Fabious: Knock, knock. May I come in?
Thadeous: No! Leave me alone. Get out of here.
Fabious: Thadeous, you must calm down. It’s over! You ate the heart. You passed the initiation.
Thadeous: Passed? You made me look stupid in front of all your friends! And don’t think I’m not telling father, because I’m going to.
Fabious: Thadeous, we were just having some fun. And it was perfect. Now they know you’re not to be fucked with.
Boremont: Fabious, what is wrong?
Fabious: Boremont, cease Julie! I’m afraid he’s betrayed us!
[he shoves the naked Julie towards Boremont]
Thadeous: That thing, is a dickless traitor!
Boremont: Traitor you say?
Courtney: Yes. I saw him seeking council with Leezar!
Boremont: Council? With Leezar?
[Fabious, Thadeous and Courtney nod their heads in agreement]
Boremont: Well, if what they say is true, then Julie I have but one question for you. What were our masters orders?
Julie: His orders were simple. Capture Fabious and kill the rest!
Fabious: Boremont! How could you? What about the code of the Knights Elite?
Boremont: Code? Upon your choice of best man at your wedding your code became clear to me. You hurt my feelings. Now I shall hurt yours.
[shouting to the Knights Elite]
Julie: Kill them all!
Leezar: I have prepared this feast in honor and appreciation of Belladonna.
[turns to Belladonna who he’s handcuffed and gagged]
Leezar: Seems like that it was only yesterday that we used sorcery to burn your village to the ground. Come in and snatch you and I remember looking at you all those years ago and thinking; wow! That’s a baby. That’s the baby that someday I will have to have sex with. Now look at me. A nineteen year old boy, almost a man. Still a virgin.
Mother: To the fuckening!
[holds up her wine cup]
Leezar: Yes! To the fuckening!
Total Quotes: 57