Your Highness Quotes – ‘This quest sucks!’

Starring: Danny McBride, James Franco, Natalie Portman, Toby Jones, Justin Theroux, Zooey Deschanel, Charles Dance, Damian Lewis, Rasmus Hardiker, Simon Farnaby

OUR RATING: ★★½

Story:

Comedy fantasy directed by David Gordon Green. The story follows Prince Thadeous (Danny McBride), who has always lived his life in the shadow of his brother, the heir apparent, Prince Fabious (James Franco). Tired of always being passed over, Thadeous is now content to slack off, drink and enjoy the company of a maiden or two, while Fabious has fabulous adventures. But when an evil wizard kidnaps Fabious’ fiancée, Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel), Thadeous has no choice but to find his inner hero and join his brother’s quest to save her.

Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 57)

[first lines]
Narrator: [voice over] Prepare thyself for a twisted tale. Through the chapters of time, legends have been told of brave knights, evil warlocks, beautiful maidens, magical prophecies, and other serious shit.

[with a hanging rope around his neck]
Thadeous: Oh, fuck me!
[a dwarf executioner is standing beside Thadeous reading from a scroll]
Dwarf Executioner: Prince Thadeous of Thorn, you are hereby sentenced to death by hanging for your elicit behavior with the noble Dwarf King’s second wife, Regina.
Dwarf King: You’re a disgrace to any kingdom! I say, hang you bastard!
[the crowd shout in anger for Thadeous to be executed]
Dwarf Executioner: And your minstrel, Courtney is to be tarred and feathered, for unlawful association with a deviant.
[we see Courtney being tarred and feathered]
Courtney: I’m allergic. Please! Let’s not!
Thadeous: Please! These allegations are being greatly exaggerated! It was more or less just heavy petting, with a brief moment of penetration!

King Tallious: Please tell me that you completed your simple task and secured the treaty, signed by the lord of the dwarf boons.
Thadeous: Father, they sent a beautiful woman to distract me! I was defenseless!
King Tallious: Don’t bandy words with me, Thadeous. Your brother is to return from his quest at any moment. Please go and bathe yourself.
Thadeous: Why must I bathe just because Fabious…?
King Tallious: Because you smell like the underside of a sheep’s scrotum! Oh, if your mother could see you now.

[addressing the crowd]
Fabious: As you all know, the evil wizard Leezar has plagued our kingdom with his foul creatures and witchy ways for years. But with my brave, trusted knights and my dear Simon.
[a small robotic bird flies through the crowd]
Fabious: Join us my mechanical friend. We have dispatched the latest of these cold blooded enemies. Behold the head of Leezar mighty Cyclops!
[holds up a decapitated head to show the crowd and the crowd cheers]

Fabious: This is not the only good news that I have brought home with me today. Father, brother, kingdom…
[he goes to meet Belladonna as she makes her through the crowd]
Fabious: …I’d like you meet my bridge to be, Belladonna.
[the crowd cheers and Fabious kisses Belladonna]

[telling her story of how she’d met Fabious]
Belladonna: I’d been held captive by Leezar and held in a tower since I was a child, never knowing love or human contact. But I never gave up hope, singing everyday and praying that someday my hero would find me.
Fabious: And I did. We’d just slaughtered the Cyclops, we were on our way home and in the wind I heard the most beautiful song.
Thadeous: Fascinating. Really. May we take pause for one moment.
[he taps his wine glass to get everyone’s attention]
Thadeous: Look at Courtney’s new haircut. Doesn’t it make his head look like the tip of a penis? It’s hilarious!
King Tallious: Thadeous, please. That’s enough!

[as he watches people dancing]
Thadeous: I don’t like this. Courtney, will you make funny faces to entertain me?
[Courtney starts to make faces making Thadeous laugh and clap until he gives a smile in the shape of a triangle]
Thadeous: No! Never triangle face! I have triangle face! It scares me.

Julie: Good evening, your royal highness.
Courtney: Julie!
Thadeous: Hello, freaking Julie.
Julie: What a wonderful, wonderful evening, sire. Yet another glorious achievement in a whole firmament of starring moments for your brother Fabious. We shall remember it for the rest of our lives.
[Thadeous starts miming moving his hips backwards and forwards as if having sex]
Thadeous: [to Courtney] Isn’t that amazing, how he can talk and suck my cock at the same exact time?
Courtney: Incredible. Oh, clean yourself up.
[Courtney throws a handkerchief at Julie]

Thadeous: You should close your eyes, Julie.
Julie: I know your vulgarity masks your pain.
Thadeous: No, it doesn’t.
Julie: I was trying to remember the last time we had one of these wonderful evenings for you, sire. Surely there must have been one. Somewhere, in the history of this kingdom of your illustrious life, there must have some moment that we can all remember. And I’m trying to think now, and there’s nothing.

[referring to the decapitated head of Cyclops]
Thadeous: Why would you bring that disgusting thing here? It’s getting juices in our water supply!
Fabious: It’s souvenir of my kill. I always take one from a foe that’s tasted the cold, unrelenting steal of my blade.
Thadeous: Souvenir of your kill? That sounds like a rather stupid blood thirsty tradition.
Fabious: What’s your problem? Why are you such a sourpuss?
Thadeous: I’m not being a sourpuss! I just didn’t want to be at that celebrations.
Fabious: All I want is for you to be part of this moment. I want you to be gay with me and father.
Thadeous: I don’t want to be gay with you two! I’d rather just stay here with my blade and fuck things up.
Fabious: Why would you say that?
Thadeous: Because Fabious, it’s true!

Thadeous: I want to be king.
Fabious: Maybe we can both be king.
Thadeous: No. I want to be king by myself!
Fabious: Well, cheer up brother. I have something else that you can be.
Thadeous: What?
Fabious: Best man at my wedding. I can think of no one else I’d want by my side as I sing my vow passionately into her eyes.
Thadeous: Sounds tedious and boring.
Fabious: If I’m not mistaken, it is the tradition that the best man gets to lay with the bridesmaids. Plural.
Thadeous: Really? I’ve never heard of this tradition.
[Fabious nods his head to confirm it’s true]
Thadeous: You have a fucking deal.

Fabious: Oh, you’re going to be so handsome! Who’s going to be the most handsome best man?
Thadeous: Probably me.
Fabious: Who’s the prince with the most dashing mustache?
Thadeous: Me.
Fabious: Who gives the warmest hug?
Thadeous: Me, of course.
Fabious: I love you, Thadeous.
Thadeous: [awkwardly] That’s cool.

[as Thadeous is about to join Fabious he hears Boremont talking about him]
Boremont: Best man? If he wanted a best man he should have chosen me. How many quests have I been on with Fabious?
Manious the Bold: Thousands.
Boremont: Hmmm. I gave my hand to save his life on the battle field. And yet he chooses Thadeous as his best man. That sorry sack of shit! Such a poor excuse for a prince. He’s nothing more than a self-entitled rotten prince!
[he smashes the table with his metal hand]
Manious the Bold: Idiot.

[at Fabious’s wedding waiting at the alter for Thadeous to show up]
King Tallious: Enough. Enough. If Thadeous wishes to play forgetful on his brother’s day of days, then wait we shall not.
Fabious: I can’t get married without my brother! He’s my best man!
King Tallious: His time’s past. Pick another best man?
Fabious: No.
King Tallious: Julie, you be best man.
Boremont: [to himself] Dammit!

Fabious: Reveal yourself, stranger. Are you lost?
Leezar: A thousand pardons. I mean not to intrude on such a joyous occasion. However, today I just could not help myself.
[he drops his hood and reveals himself]
Fabious: Leezar!
King Tallious: You’re not welcome here, devil!
Fabious: If you come in peace, say so! Otherwise, prepare to meet your doom.
Leezar: Oh, brave Fabious. You murdered my Cyclops! But I have other plans in store for you. Ones that are beyond the bounds of your imagination. One in particular, involving an ancient prophecy destined of evil filled by a powerful warlock. Me! And of course a very beautiful virgin that looks just like…
[looks around the women in the wedding crowd then points at Belladonna]
Leezar: …her! I was keeping her back for something very special and I dare say it was rude of you to steal her from me. Now I’m here to get her back.
Fabious: And just how do you plan on doing that?
Leezar: Magic.
[cracks his neck]
Leezar: Motherfucker!

Thadeous: No one get up. I’m very tired. I’m going straight to my bed chambers.
Fabious: Brother, thank God you’re alive! When you didn’t show up for the wedding I feared the worst.
Thadeous: Oh, why are you crying?
Fabious: Leezar has taken my love!
King Tallious: So, your brother is about to embark on yet another quest. This time to rescue Belladonna and rid the land of that loathsome retch, once and for all!
Thadeous: Wow! How noble of him.
[turns to Fabious]
Thadeous: Well, it was nice to see you, as short as a visit it was.

King Tallious: It is finally time for you to become a man! You must journey with your brother to rescue his bride.
Thadeous: Father, you cannot be serious! If you want me to go on to a quest then let’s start with something easy. Like boiling a chicken, or beating off in front of a Pegasus. Elementary things!
King Tallious: Look around at all the harm that has befallen this castle! This quest is your last chance to prove to me and the kingdom that you are a man worthy to bear the family crest. And to show that it at your core you are not rotten. That you are brave and honorable and noble. All the qualities expected of a prince. The choice is yours. Either journey with your brother and the knights Elite, or you can face banishment from the kingdom.
Thadeous: Shit!

[in the tower where’s he’s keeping Belladonna captive]
Leezar: Perhaps keeping you in this tower has left you ignorant. You’re so easily deceived. For example, I have heard that your prince Fabious has made his bed recklessly with many, many maidens. And I heard that he has fungi on his genitalia as a result. Also he organizes orgies with wenches and barbarians alike. He takes part in them and gives it to women freely. Spilling his seed willingly as he makes his way through the orgy.
Belladonna: I don’t believe you.
Leezar: He is not the dashing young man you believe him to be. So, these are the harsh realities of the outside world. Welcome home.

Julie: Sorry to disturb you two love birds, but we’ve arrived at the home of the Wize Wizard.
Thadeous: Who the hell is the Wize Wizard?
Fabious: He’s an ancient seer, who helps men on their quest with ale and insight.
Thadeous: Great. Well, let me know how it goes.
Boremont: Leave him in his carriage, Fabious. You and I will seek council with the Wize Wizard.
Fabious: No. Come brother, this is the first stop on your first quest. We shall go together.

[noticing Thadeous wearing a full armor]
Fabious: Brother, you look ravishing in that armor. But I don’t think you’ll need it. The Wize Wizard is a peaceful little old man.
Thadeous: I’m wearing it. You’re just being jealous.
[as he goes to take step forward he falls down the stone steps]

Great Wize Wizard: Who dares enter my den?
Fabious: It is I, Prince Fabious and my brother, Prince Thadeous. We come to seek council.
Great Wize Wizard: Come, come. Give me kisses.
[Fabious goes closer and kisses the Wize Wizard on the mouth]
Fabious: [to Thadeous] Kiss him.
Thadeous: Fuck, no!
Fabious: Kiss it on the mouth. For the quest. I do it every time I come.
[reluctantly Thadeous leans closer to the wizard]
Thadeous: Hello. Nice to meet you.
[he puckers his lips and kisses the wizard on the mouth]

Great Wize Wizard: Fabious has been coming here since he was a boy.
[to Fabious]
Thadeous: You did this when you were a child?
Fabious: Yes.
[turning to the wizard]
Fabious: We had great times. Didn’t we?
Great Wize Wizard: Yes. Yes. We did.
[to Fabious]
Thadeous: You would kiss him?
[Fabious nods to confirm]
Fabious: Sometimes we would do other things.
Thadeous: Like what?
Fabious: When I was younger we’d take our shirts off and jump on the bed.
Great Wize Wizard: [laughing] Playful secrets!
[to Thadeous]
Fabious: Don’t tell father!

Great Wize Wizard: Breathe deeply of these herbs and share a vision with me.
Fabious: Of course.
[Fabious takes the pipe and takes a couple of puffs and hands it to Thadeous]
Thadeous: Yes. Allow me to puff as well.
Fabious: These some powerful herbs! Giving me dark visions.
Thadeous: Shall we pack this again? I’m not feeling visions. I’m not sure if it’s working wizard.
[he takes a few more puffs from the pipe]
Great Wize Wizard: Visions! Visions!
[Fabious holds his head after getting high from smoking some herbs]
Fabious: Thadeous, are you seeing what I’m seeing?
[Thadeous looks calmly at Fabious]
Thadeous: You making a fool of yourself? Handle your shit, Fabious. Please!

[after the wizard has given them a magical compass]
Great Wize Wizard: This cricket compass will catch the light and point the way to the labyrinths location. Be warned, they say the walls of this maze drive men to madness. But if you can find your way, the blade will be yours.
Fabious: Thank you, Wize Wizard.
[he gets up to leave]
Great Wize Wizard: Not so fast. First you must answer a riddle. What journey be long and twisted and sensitive at hand? To what end must man go to discover the depths of his ecstasy? Think hard strong warriors.
Fabious: Fuck! I know this!

[after thinking hard for a few seconds]
Fabious: I got it! You want us to twist, what is long, with our sensitive hands?
Thadeous: He wants us to jerk him off!
Great Wize Wizard: Just touch the tip and twist it.
Thadeous: We are not going to do that.
[Fabious turns to Thadeous]
Fabious: If it’s for the quest, we will do what needs to be done.
[Fabious starts touching the wizards penis with Thadeous reluctantly extending his hand to do the same]
Thadeous: Yuk!

[as Fabious and Thadeous leave the Wize Wizard’s house after jerking him off]
Thadeous: This quest sucks!

[Thadeous is sulking in his tents after he was fooled into eating a heart of a pig]
Fabious: Knock, knock. May I come in?
Thadeous: No! Leave me alone. Get out of here.
Fabious: Thadeous, you must calm down. It’s over! You ate the heart. You passed the initiation.
Thadeous: Passed? You made me look stupid in front of all your friends! And don’t think I’m not telling father, because I’m going to.
Fabious: Thadeous, we were just having some fun. And it was perfect. Now they know you’re not to be fucked with.

Boremont: Fabious, what is wrong?
Fabious: Boremont, cease Julie! I’m afraid he’s betrayed us!
[he shoves the naked Julie towards Boremont]
Thadeous: That thing, is a dickless traitor!
Boremont: Traitor you say?
Courtney: Yes. I saw him seeking council with Leezar!
Boremont: Council? With Leezar?
[Fabious, Thadeous and Courtney nod their heads in agreement]
Boremont: Well, if what they say is true, then Julie I have but one question for you. What were our masters orders?
Fabious: What?!
Julie: His orders were simple. Capture Fabious and kill the rest!
Fabious: Boremont! How could you? What about the code of the Knights Elite?
Boremont: Code? Upon your choice of best man at your wedding your code became clear to me. You hurt my feelings. Now I shall hurt yours.
[shouting to the Knights Elite]
Julie: Kill them all!

Leezar: I have prepared this feast in honor and appreciation of Belladonna.
[turns to Belladonna who he’s handcuffed and gagged]
Leezar: Seems like that it was only yesterday that we used sorcery to burn your village to the ground. Come in and snatch you and I remember looking at you all those years ago and thinking; wow! That’s a baby. That’s the baby that someday I will have to have sex with. Now look at me. A nineteen year old boy, almost a man. Still a virgin.
Mother: To the fuckening!
[holds up her wine cup]
Leezar: Yes! To the fuckening!

See more Your Highness Quotes

Thadeous: I left Goddamn Steven back at camp.
Fabious: Who’s Steven?
Thadeous: He’s my loyal animal companion. And he means just as much to me as Simon means to you. But I guess I’ll never see him again.
Fabious: Very well. I understand that bond. Let us return to camp, face the traitors and rescue Steven.
Thadeous: No, fuck it! It’s over. But perhaps since my animal companion is no longer here, it’s only fair that we get rid of yours as well.
Fabious: No. That would serve no purpose, brother. That would be like me asking you to get rid of Courtney just because Julie is no longer with us.
Thadeous: I would drown Courtney in a shallow fucking pond right now, if that means fair is fair.
Courtney: I don’t like that idea, sir.
Fabious: No. Simon can help us.

Fabious: Belladonna isn’t like any maiden in the kingdom. She behaves without judgment. Defies expectation. When I first heard her voice, a tear came to my eye. And that tear turned to ice and I kept that frozen tear, far from my heart that burned with passion. If she had a wound, I would kiss it. If she had a splinter, I would pull it from her flesh with my lips.
Thadeous: Just say we are too late and Leezar has had his way with her. Would you still be able to be with her?
Fabious: I don’t want to think about that.
Thadeous: But just stay that we were moments late, and he was able to get her cookies?
Fabious: Shut up!
Thadeous: Yes, I know. But what if he butt-fucked her, would you still like her?
Fabious: Do I have to write you a poem? There’s never been a love so true as ours.
Thadeous: That’s pure love.
Fabious: Yes. It is.
Thadeous: No. That’s pure love. There’s a naked woman standing behind you.
[Fabious looks behind him to see a naked woman]

[Fabious has bitten by one of the giant snake heads]
Fabious: I’ve been bitten! I can’t move my leg! You’ve got to suck out the venom!
Thadeous: I don’t want to suck it! You suck it!
Fabious: I can’t suck my own venom!
Thadeous: Yes, you can! I’ll help you!
[he pushes Fabious’s head down]
Thadeous: Suck it! Suck your venom!
Fabious: I can’t! I can’t reach it with my mouth!
Thadeous: Courtney, suck the venom!
Courtney: But I’ve never sucked a…
[Thadeous pushes Courtney’s head down]
Thadeous: Suck it!

Isabel: I’m Isabel. The last living member of the harsh bulgarudah.
Thadeous: Well Isabel, my brother and myself will ensure that you run into no danger while you travel with us. With our huge muscles we shall protect you.
Isabel: Who protect what?
Fabious: To be fair, everyone will protect each other equally, I’m certain.
Thadeous: But we will protect her more, because we are men!

[catching Thadeous watching Isabel as she gets undressed to bathe in the pond]
Fabious: What right have you to spy on a bathing woman from these shrubs?
Thadeous: I’m simply keeping an eye on her. She is not like one of our dim witted chamber maids that let me take from behind. This woman has been vexed. What exactly would it take for one to tame such an adventurous slut?
Fabious: Well, I imagine she’d want a man to be honorable, bold, brave. Know his way round a blade.
[Isabel looks over her shoulder straight towards them]
Thadeous: Oh, God! She’s looking at us! Remain perfectly still.
[they freeze in their positions and Isabel ignores them and dives into the pond]

Thadeous: What exactly is your problem with me? You have a sword stuck so far up your butt-hole that you could not even enjoy yourself for one moment.
Isabel: My quest affords me no such luxury.
Thadeous: Not even on a tender night like this? The moon glimmering. The cold air licking your tits.
Isabel: On a night just like this I returned home from a hunt, to find a blood bath. Nothing remained of my six beloved brothers, save for the severed heads on sticks! Their eyes had been plucked. Their teeth taken as tokens. I wear this bracelet, forged of the steel of their shields. A constant reminder of my vow to avenge them.
Thadeous: My only advice in this would be to keep your head up, hang in there, live everyday to the fullest, have sex as much as you can by camp fire when you’re all alone when your brother is out gathering wood. Just simple things like that.
[Isabel gives him a confused suspicious look]

Belladonna: Look at yourself? Why would anyone ever want to be with you?
Leezar: Mmmm. I’m not sure, really. Oh yeah, perhaps because I’m rich, I live in a castle and I can do magic.
Belladonna: Okay then, why did you need to kidnap me if you’re so desirable?
Leezar: Because I’m the prophecy boy, maybe? Where I’m going to have a dragon soon, which I’ll be able to control and it’s going to give me ultimate power.
Belladonna: How? Because you can make a dragon do things?
Leezar: Yes! I can make it devour people or breath fire over the kingdom of Mourn.
Belladonna: Mmm. Sounds flimsy.
Leezar: First of all, you obviously don’t know Jack shit about the prophecy.

Leezar: What are you laughing at?
Belladonna: I was just thinking about your penis, and how unusual it must look.
Leezar: It doesn’t look unusual.
Belladonna: How do you know it’s going to work?
Leezar: Because I’ve tested it.
Belladonna: Really?
Leezar: If you’re vagina is anything like my hand, there will be no problem.

[after finding out that Isabel has run off with their magical compass]
Fabious: [shouting] God! She’s run off with the compass!
Thadeous: We don’t know that for sure!
Fabious: Oh, yeah! Where is it? Where is she?
Thadeous: All right! Well it, it wasn’t my fault! I was falling madly in love with her! I was bedazzled by her sweet bosom. It was hopeless!
Fabious: [shouting] You fool! Without the compass how do we find the blade of unicorn? And without that sword, how do we defeat Leezar?
Thadeous: Maybe we can find some other way, with nets or something.
Fabious: [shouting] Nets! Oh, that’s a great plan! And meanwhile, Belladonna is going to get raped and die!
Thadeous: We don’t know for sure if she’ll die.

Thadeous: Look, I’m sorry! But I shouldn’t even be here. We’ve almost been killed multiple times! I will probably die on this quest! Courtney, definitely will!
Fabious: Fuck Courtney! And fuck you! Maybe they’re right! Everything they say about you.
Thadeous: They only say that stuff because of you. Because you go out and have to pretend to be the best! And then they look at me like I’m some sort of idiot! Everyone in the kingdom wants to suck your dick! No one wants to suck mine!

[whilst drinking in a tavern, they spot Isabel sat at a table with some men]
Courtney: Sir! Sir! Look over there? It’s that thieving Isabel.
Thadeous: My, God! The balls of this woman! Do you think any of those men are her boyfriends?
Courtney: Possibly.
Thadeous: Who’d ever want to be her boyfriend!
Courtney: What do we do?
Thadeous: I’ll tell you what we do. We go over there, we get the compass back, we give it Fabious and make him horrible for the way in which he treated me. And then you and I head for home.
Courtney: Oh, and you believe it to be easy as that, sir?
Thadeous: Courtney, she is a woman and we are a man! How hard could this be?
Courtney: It’s my birthday today.
Thadeous: Fuck that!

[as Leezar’s men surround Fabious]
Fabious: Boremont! You dare betray me twice?!
Boremont: No, it’s the same betrayal as before. It all just counts as one.

[as Isabel is about to leave the tavern Thadeous comes up behind her]
Thadeous: Not so fast, trickster!
Isabel: Hello, Thadeous.
Thadeous: The time for pleasantries is through. Do you feel that tiny prick in your back?
Isabel: Is that your cock?
Thadeous: Hah! No! It is a knife. But I’ll gladly penetrate you with it. Now, look over your shoulder.
[she looks over her shoulder]
Thadeous: Other shoulder.
[she looks over her other shoulder and sees Courtney looking drunk]
Isabel: [sarcastically] Frightening.

Thadeous: The compass, hand it over now?
Isabel: You lied! It does nothing.
Thadeous: Maybe if you had gone to the Wize Wizard, like we did, he could have explained to you that it only works in sun light.
Isabel: Really?
Thadeous: Shit! I shouldn’t have told you that.
Isabel: Isn’t the Wize Wizard a pervert?
Thadeous: Yes. Sadly, I think he molested my brother.
Isabel: That’s unfortunate.

Isabel: You deceitful pricks! You stole the compass from me!
Thadeous: No! I didn’t! Courtney did.
Courtney: Uh, please have mercy on us, lady warrior.
[he gives the compass to Isabel]
Courtney: Fabious has been captured by Leezar and his men.
Isabel: He was captured?
Thadeous: Yes. We got into a huge sword fight and we were able to escape and he was not.
Isabel: I know how you’re feeling inside. As if you cannot rest until you destroy those who harmed your family. You want to skin them alive and wear their skin as a cape as you dance around their convulsing corpses.
Thadeous: Yes, of course.
Courtney: Yes.
Thadeous: Yes.

[after Thadeous has found and removed the blade of unicorn]
Thadeous: Shall I just slide the sword back into the thingy, or place it gently upon the ground?
Soul of the Maze: If I told you that your brother will die without the help of this blade, will you still want to go back home. Without the blade he’ll be helpless again Leezar.
[Soul of Maze shows Fabious being tortured by Leezar’s men]
Thadeous: Shut your magical hole! Why are you showing me this?
Soul of the Maze: It’s what you wanted, is it not? You’re brother gone. You’ll be king of all the land. Think of your power. The women.
Thadeous: Well, it would be nice to be king.
Soul of the Maze: All you have to do is forget about the blade. Leave it where you found it. Never think of this place again.

[after killing the minotaur with the blade of unicorn]
Thadeous: Did you just see that? I came back for you all! I saved you!
Isabel: What? You were going to leave us?
Thadeous: No! Of course not.
Courtney: Is that the…
Thadeous: Blade of unicorn? Yes, my companion. It is.
Courtney: Beautiful.
Thadeous: It’s very, very sharp.

[as Fabious is bound and hanging above a spike]
Fabious: Do what you will to me. But unhand my love. Let Belladonna go!
Leezar: Cast your glance heaven wards and know that when the ceiling parts and the moons align, I will be entering your love.
Fabious: Sacrilege! You wretched wizard!
Leezar: My mothers have already moistened Belladonna for foreplay. You’ll excuse me if I take my leave.

Julie: Anyway, so that you don’t feel like you’re missing out on any of the fun. Let me introduce you to my friend, Timotay. As Leezar enters Belladonna, he will lower you onto that spike. There by, giving you a good poking as well!
Fabious: [shouting] Belladonna, I love you!

[after rescuing Fabious]
Thadeous: I know that you do not expect much from me, Fabious. But I will stand with you on this night.
Fabious: Is this the same brother that would not be my best man?
Thadeous: I did not deserve to be your best man.
Fabious: You do now.
[Fabious holds out his hand and Thadeous walks over to grab it]
Isabel: We can finish this whenever you maidens are ready.
Thadeous: Ready!

[as he’s about die]
Boremont: God! I never wanted it to end like this, old friend. You must know Fabious, I loved you!
Fabious: I loved you too, Boremont. As only a knight can love a knight.
Boremont: No! I loved you as a man loves another man.
Fabious: Oh.

[after they’ve killed Leezar and rescued Belladonna]
Thadeous: I think I’m beginning to like the feel of blood and filth upon these fingers. Perhaps I will never bathe again. Unless of course, there were a woman brave enough to bathe beside me. You fought with honor, why don’t you treat yourself and take rest at our castle?
Thadeous: We have all the slaves, pickles and servants one could ever desire. We have dancing bears, orientals and all the berries care to pick.
Isabel: I wish I could, but I never rest. There’s yet another quest that calls me to the western margins. I must surprise a band of thieves and burn them alive one by one in a symphony of shrieks. I will not forget you, prince.
Thadeous: Nor will I.

[taking off the Minotaur’s dick he had hanging round his neck as a trophy of his kill]
Thadeous: Here. To remember me.
Isabel: Oh! I don’t want that thing touching me.
[holding the dick in front of her]
Thadeous: Say hello?
Isabel: Ooh! No!
Thadeous: Shh. Take it.
Isabel: No! It’s yours. I cannot accept another warriors trophy.
Thadeous: Courtney, take my dick.
[he hands the trophy dick to Courtney]
Isabel: Till we meet again.
[she kisses him on the cheek and walks away]

[as they watch Fabious’s wedding celebrations]
King Tallious: I’m proud of you, son. Well, you saved the entire land. Not a bad run for a first quest.
Thadeous: Well, I would be remiss to say I did it alone. Fabious did help where he could.
King Tallious: Hmm. I’m sure.

[lying in bed]
Thadeous: Finally, alone!
[he pours some oils on his hands and just as he begins to masturbate]
Thadeous: [to himself] Hello, there! Cockadoodle doo! Aah! Easy, there.
[suddenly Fabious enters his chambers]
Fabious: Brother?
Thadeous: Yes!
Fabious: Am I interrupting something?
Thadeous: Nothing. I was preparing for bed time and just looking at the oils that father gave me.
Fabious: Ahh! I know what you’re doing!
Thadeous: No, you don’t!

Fabious: Well, seeing you by yourself at the wedding didn’t seem right. So, I’ve brought you someone. Someone I know you’ve been missing.
[Fabious leaves to get his surprise]
Thadeous: [to himself] Isabel!
Fabious: Who’s been missing you. I brought you Steven!
Thadeous: [disappointed] Oh!
Fabious: I went on a mini-quest and I found him for you.
Thadeous: Well, that was very nice of you, Fabious. Thank you.
Fabious: I had so much fun on our adventure together.
Thadeous: Yes, I know. You have told me fifteen fucking times now.
Fabious: All right. Sweet dreams, brother.

[Isabel has sneaked into Thadeous’s chamber]
Isabel: I’ve not been able to stop thinking of you.
Thadeous: What a coincidence, I was just about to finish thinking of you.

[last lines; she comes into his arms and they start kissing]
Isabel: Wait! Before we go any further, there’s something I have to show you.
Thadeous: What?
[she reveals a chastity belt that she’s wearing]
Thadeous: What the hell is that?
Isabel: It’s a chastity belt. Put upon me by an evil witch long ago. She now roams the snow mountains of Charmain. If I can defeat her, the curse will be broken. The belt will fall free.
Thadeous: So, in order for us to make love, we have to track down an evil, and I’m assuming, dangerous witch?
Isabel: Exactly.
Thadeous: Hmm. We would have to do this right now?
Isabel: Well, if you don’t want to join me, I could just take care of it myself.
Thadeous: Oh, of course I want to come. Well, it’s, we just got home. I was hoping to have a few hours of just doing nothing. Perhaps just relaxing.
Isabel: Let’s just stay here and snuggle.
Thadeous: Hmmm. No, fuck it! Let’s kill that bitch!

Total Quotes: 57

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