Zombieland: Double Tap Best Quotes – ‘Am I hallucinating?’

Starring: Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin, Rosario Dawson, Zoey Deutch, Luke Wilson, Bill Murray, Avan Jogia,, Thomas Middleditch, Dan Aykroyd

OUR RATING: ★★★½

Story:

Comedy horror sequel directed by Ruben Fleischer. The story follows Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg), Tallahasse (Woody Harrelson), Wichita, (Emma Stone), and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin), who move to the American heartland as they face off against evolved zombies, fellow survivors, and the growing pains of the snarky makeshift family.

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Our Favorite Quotes:

Best Quotes

[first lines]
Columbus: [voice over] Welcome to Zombieland. Back for seconds? After all this time? Well, what can I say, but thank you. You have a lot of choices when it comes to zombie entertainment, and we appreciate you picking us.

Columbus: [voice over] Well, the only reason we’ve survived the last several years is we’ve gotten to know our bloodthirsty enemies better than we know ourselves. In the time since we last saw you, zombies have evolved, so we’ve given them different names. This lady here is getting chased by the dumbest Z there is, what we call a Homer. In a world without YouTube, who isn’t entertained by a Homer?

Columbus: [voice over] Unfortunately, for every Homer, there’s a Hawking, as in Stephen. Or maybe his slightly less accomplished sister, Beatrix, who’s still got some brains left to figure sh*t out.

[referring to another zombie name]
Columbus: [voice over] The Ninja. Silent, deadly. The first thing you hear is your own scream.

Columbus: [voice over] You can imagine how thrilled we were to crack the zombie code. But life is about more than just survival. Ever since we were evicted from our normal lives, I’d been searching for a place to put down roots. My old pal Tallahassee has this saying, “Go big or go home.” I mean, it’s not his signature phrase, but it did give me an idea. Why not go big, and go home?

[as they enter the White House]
Tallahassee: Hail to the m*therf**king chief.

Columbus: [voice over] There are worse places to hang your hat.
[as he puts his feet up on the president’s desk at the White House]
Tallahassee: Casablanca.
Little Rock: Wait, why does he get to be president?
Tallahassee: Well, I think I would have made a damn fine president. Kissed a few hands, shook a few babies.
Wichita: You would have brought a real dignity to the office.
Tallahassee: Thank you.

Wichita: [to Tallahassee] You don’t have what it takes. I’ll be president. And I nominate Little Rock as my VP.
Little Rock: So that means I get to be president if you get killed by zombies.
Wichita: That wasn’t what I was thinking when I offered you the position, but technically, yes.

Columbus: [voice over] I have this rule, enjoy the little things. Which is what we spent a lot of time doing in those early days at the White House. And it was a really special time, making a house our home.

Columbus: [voice over] But for better or worse, we were a family. And for the first time since the virus, we were living somewhere truly safe, making every day feel like, well, like Christmas morning.

[wearing a Santa outfit and fake beard]
Tallahassee: Merry Christmas!
Little Rock: Hey, Tal.
Tallahassee: Santa. What would you like for Christmas, little girl? A pony?
Little Rock: No, I’d actually really like you to stop calling me “little girl”.
Tallahassee: Well, technically, you are little, and you’re a girl.
Columbus: Well, I am not a little girl, Santa.
[he sits down on Tallahassee’s knee]
Columbus: But do you know what I would like?
Tallahassee: I don’t give a f**k what you’d like.
[pushes Columbus off his knee]

[as he reading an issue of The Walking Dead comic book]
Columbus: God, this is really terrifying, but totally unrealistic.

[as Tallahassee shots a bottle in the air and then shoots at a zombie]
Columbus: Yeah, it’s good. You shot your alcohol with your gun.

[after Columbus goes to shoot at Madison, thinking she’s a zombie]
Madison: Oh, my God! Please forgive me!
[referring to her coat hood]
Madison: It’s fake fur!
Columbus: Oh, my God. I’m so sorry. I thought you were a…
Madison: You thought I was a zombie?
Columbus: Yeah. Of course, a zombie.
Madison: Oh, my God, no. I don’t even eat meat. I’m a vegetarian. Vegan, actually.
Columbus: Sorry. Hi, I’m Columbus.
Madison: Madison.
Columbus: Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.
Madison: Nice to meet you.
[she hugs him]
Columbus: Alright. We’re hugging. So soon. Nice to meet you.
Madison: It’s nice to touch a human.

Columbus: This is Tallahassee. This is Madison. Madison, Tallahassee.
Madison: Is this your dad?
Tallahassee: For sh*t’s sake! Slightly older, better looking friend.
Madison: Cute.
Tallahassee: You live here?
Madison: No, Paul Blart. I live in the freezer in Pinkberry. Mm-hmm. It keeps the zombies out, though it is awfully chilly.

Madison: I feel like you’re being super judgy. Like I’m getting a real anti-me vibe off of you.
Tallahassee: Are you?
Madison: Oh, my God. There it was again.
Columbus: Yeah, I saw it.
Madison: And that’s hurtful, okay? I’m lik, really good at surviving. I carry a can of mace with me everywhere I go. And I can run really, really, really, really fast. Probably because I used to do like hot yoga and SoulCycle.
Columbus: Cardio! Sorry, I do a lot of cardio too. It’s actually my number one rule, which is so dorky. But I have like a list of rules for surviving Zombieland.
Madison: Really?
Columbus: Yeah.
Madison: So do I!
Columbus: You have rules for surviving Zombieland?
Madison: Actually, mine is just mostly stay in the freezer.
Columbus: Oh.

Madison: You guys, I can’t believe we’re in the White House. This is soy random!

[referring to Madison]
Tallahassee: You got to broom this girl. You know why she’s still alive? Because zombies eat brains, and she ain’t got any!

[Wichita tells the story of how Little Rock left her]
Wichita: It was great. It felt so good to be on the move again.
Columbus: Yeah, we’ve been having like a really good time here too. Right? Together.
Tallahassee: Hm.
Wichita: We picked up someone new. Just a boy. He’s a couple years older than Little Rock, and he’s from Berkeley.
Tallahassee: Berkeley?
Wichita: Mm-hm.
Tallahassee: You said Berkeley?
Wichita: Yes.
Tallahassee: Berke-f**king-ley?
Wichita: He plays the guitar.
Tallahassee: Shut the f**k up right now! I know what you’re about to tell me. She’s dating a musician!
Columbus: Hey, come on, dude. Don’t you think you’re like overreacting, maybe like a little bit?
[calms down]
Tallahassee: Yeah. Yeah. No, I could be overreacting. I’m sorry. You’re right. You go ahead.
Wichita: And he’s a pacifist. He has survived on a strict policy of conflict avoidance, like Gandhi.
[screams and starts freaking out]
Tallahassee: No! No! Birkenstocks, sandals, wheatgrass! F**king basketballs!

Tallahassee: No, I really, I have nothing against pacifists. I just want to beat the sh*t out of them.

[referring to Little Rock running away with Berkeley]
Wichita: I’m so worried, you guys. They’re traveling all that way, and all they have is a f**king guitar.
Columbus: Yeah, with no intention of ever swinging it at anything. You know, because he’s a hippie.
Tallahassee: She’s supposed to be killing the dead, not following them.

Wichita: There’s something going on out there.
Columbus: What?
Wichita: Berkeley told us about this new kind of zombie that’s stronger, and faster, and deadlier, and better adapted to the hunt.
Columbus: What? I’m sorry, but that sounds totally made up. I mean, if you want us to come with you, just like ask us.
Wichita: No, honestly, I just came back for guns and ammunition.
Columbus: Yeah, sure. Come on. Stop begging. We’ll do it.

[referring to Little Rock running away]
Tallahassee: You know, this is all your fault.
Columbus: Me?
[referring to Wichita]
Tallahassee: If you hadn’t pushed her away…
Wichita: Well, not exactly. No. I didn’t just run from him. She ran from you too.
Tallahassee: What?
Wichita: You mean well, but you’re kind of overbearing.
Tallahassee: Oh, right. I’m overbearing?
Wichita: She’s not a kid anymore.
Columbus: Yeah, she’s not a kid. But I don’t know, it sounds like she needs us. Don’t you think?
Tallahassee: Whatever. We’re going to go get her.

Tallahassee: Rules are for pu**ies, nothing personal.
Columbus: How could that not be personal? That’s like my whole thing.
Tallahassee: Yeah, you’re right. It was personal.

[as he sees Madison with her suitcases in tow, as they are about to leave the White House]
Tallahassee: What in the butt?

Little Rock: You don’t have weed, do you? I’ve always wanted to smoke way too much weed.
Berkeley: Do I look like the type of person that would have weed on me?
Little Rock: Oh, no. I’m sorry, that was…
[suddenly Berkeley holds up a giant bag of weed]
Berkeley: Boom! Yeah!

[as Tallahassee breaks hard, Madison is thrown to the front, hitting her head on the dashboard]
Madison: Oh, shoot! I forgot the seatbelt rule.
Wichita: Oh, so she knows the rules?
Columbus: Yeah, I mean I told her just a few of them.
Madison: Seventy-three. Are there more?
Columbus: Nope, that’s it.
[Tallahassee gets out of the car]
Tallahassee: I got to check this out.
Wichita: [mockingly] ou guys have really spent a lot of time together, huh? That’s sweet. You’re cute together. I like it. Aw!

[as she’s looking through the wrong end of the binoculars at Tallahassee]
Madison: The old man is so tiny.
[Tallahassee holds up his middle finger at her]
Tallahassee: Can you see that?
Madison: [laughs] What’s-his-name, you’re so tiny.

Columbus: Look, you’re overreacting, okay? Madison’s not like a real thing. It was just circumstance. It was a lack of options.
Wichita: Well, you could say the same thing about us.
Columbus: What?
Wichita: Circumstance, lack of options.
Columbus: Really? You really think that?
Wichita: Whereas you two seem like soul mates. Destined to share deep intellectual thoughts.
Columbus: Maybe you’re right, maybe we are soul mates. Okay? Because she’s nice, alright? And I’m nice. And you’re not. You’re mean.
Wichita: Whatever. I’m not mean.
Columbus: Yeah, you’re kind of mean.
Wichita: Well, my sister is missing. She could be dead for all I know, and you’re screwing some forever twenty-one year-old. So if I want to be mean, I’ll be f**king mean.

[as they’re walking]
Madison: I don’t have the right shoes for this.
Wichita: Oh, you could borrow a pair of my strappy sandals.
Madison: Really?
Wichita: Mm-hm.
[as she realizes Wichita was being sarcastic]
Madison: Kidding. You, she was ki… You guys are all very sarcastic.
Columbus: Yeah, they’re not nice people. Sorry about that, Madison. Just try to ignore them.
Tallahassee: Yeah. Yeah. Ignore us.
Wichita: Please, God, ignore us.
Columbus: Ah, see? Mean.

[referring to the zombies]
Madison: Hey, don’t worry, you guys. They’re much more afraid of us than we are of them.
Wichita: God, that is not even remotely true.

Madison: Well, what do I do?
Tallahassee: You know how cheerleaders form a pyramid?
Madison: Yeah.
Tallahassee: And you know how the three on the bottom anchor the pyramid?
Madison: Oh, yeah.
Tallahassee: I don’t give a sh*t what you do. Just stay out of my way.

[as Madison is showing signs of zombification]
Columbus: Hey, I don’t know. Maybe she’ll pull through.
Wichita: What do you mean? You’re the one who always says don’t take chances.
Tallahassee: So who wants do the honors? I mean, personally, I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t want you guys calling me selfish.
Columbus: Hey, come on. She is a living, thinking being. Okay? She’s a living being.
Wichita: Look, I know you guys are in love, or whatever, but in two minutes, she’s going to become a…
[she growls and hisses to imitate a zombie]
Wichita: A zombie, not a velociraptor. And it’s the right thing to do. If you love something, you shoot it in the face, so it doesn’t become a flesh-eating monster.
Columbus: I know.
Tallahassee: She’s making a good point. Maybe it’s time for you to be the Brave Little Toaster.

[as he’s preparing to shoot Madison as she’s about to turn into a zombie]
Columbus: [voice over] They say when something bad happens, you have three choices. Let it define you, destroy you, or strengthen you. Time to teach Lennie about the rabbits.

[pointing a gun at Tallahassee]
Nevada: Start talking.
Tallahassee: You first.
[she cocks her gun]
Tallahassee: My name’s Tallahassee.
Nevada: Nevada.
Tallahassee: Which part?
Nevada: Nevada is as close as you get.

[referring to Little Rock and Berkeley not taking his car]
Tallahassee: Why didn’t they take the Beast?
Nevada: He said it was too establishment.
Tallahassee: Oh, I will kill that little fart snack myself.
Nevada: You’re lucky I didn’t do the same to you. Seriously. You know how close I came to Murraying you?
Wichita: To what-ing him?
Nevada: Murraying him. You know, when you shoot someone because you think they’re a zombie. Apparently, that’s how Bill Murray died.
[acting like he doesn’t know anything]
Columbus: Wow. God, who’s Bill Murray? I never, I don’t even know what that is. Oh, the actor! That’s so sad. I don’t read like Variety, or anything. That’s sad. I’m so sorry if you knew him. But if you didn’t, I’m still sorry. I mean, it’s sad when anybody dies. That
sounds like an urban legend though.
Nevada: It happened.
Columbus: Hm, I doubt it. It’s weird. What?
Nevada: I’ll say this about Murray. If I ever find out who did him, I’m going to do him.
Columbus: [nervously] Me too. I’ll be… You first, but me second. Yeah.
Wichita: Don’t listen to this guy. He’s killed more celebrities than cocaine.

[as they arrive at a hippie commune and are being asked to hand their guns over]
Berkeley: No guns. No guns. Just hugs.

[as they watch Albuquerque driving his monster truck on top of the Beast]
Tallahassee: Hey, m*therf**ker, that’s my ride!
[referring to Tallahassee dressed as Elvis]
Albuquerque: Oh, my apologies, Tiny Elvis. I just didn’t expect anything to be parked in my driveway!
Tallahassee: Your driveway?
Albuquerque: That’s right. My driveway.
Tallahassee: Well, that’s funny. When I parked in it, no one told me to pull out.
Nevada: Well, actually, it’s my driveway.
Albuquerque: Hey, Nevada.
[to Tallahassee]
Albuquerque: But see, when I’m in town, I use it.
Tallahassee: Well, I’m in town now, and I’m using it.
Nevada: Keep talking like this, and I can arrange so neither of you ever uses my driveway again.
Columbus: I don’t think they’re talking about the actual driveway.
Wichita: No, I don’t think so.

[referring to Albuquerque resembling Tallahassee]
Columbus: Is it me, or does he kind of remind you of…
Wichita: Yeah, it’s weird.
[looking at each other]
Tallahassee and Albuquerque: I don’t like you, at all.
Wichita: It’s not weird, it’s creepy.
Columbus: It’s like an un-funhouse mirror.

[referring to Flagstaff resembling Columbus]
Wichita: Does he not remind you of…?
Flagstaff: Hello, everyone.
Columbus: Of what?

[referring to the super zombies]
Columbus: We actually call them T-800s.
Flagstaff: Terminator. Yes! I love it.
Columbus: Really?
Flagstaff: Yes. Literally, my favorite movie. Well, T2.
Columbus: Yeah, T2 is my second favorite movie.
Flagstaff: What’s number one?
Columbus: Uh, it’s Fantasia.

[referring to Albuquerque driving his truck on top of his car]
Tallahassee: You murdered the Beast.
Albuquerque: Yeah, well, let me call triple A for you. I’m sure they’ll be right over.

Tallahassee: Okay. It’s time to put up or shut up.
Albuquerque: That saying is very 2009.
[Wichita laughs]

[referring to the horde of super zombies coming their way]
Tallahassee: Okay. We got this.
Albuquerque: Ho! You don’t send a boy to do a man’s job. We brought them here. We’ll take care of it.
Tallahassee: Yeah, you know what? Have at them. You have a safe word, in case things go bad?
Albuquerque: That’s good. Come on, Flag. Let’s show these f**kers how it’s done.
Flagstaff: Sure. You got it, boss.
[turns to Columbus]
Flagstaff: Hasta la vista, baby. Terminator 2. Remember?
[turns to follow Albuquerque]
Flagstaff: Ready, buddy?
Columbus: He’s so cool.

Berkeley: Hey. Hello. I got something going. I think I might have a plan.
Wichita: Oh.
Columbus: What?
Berkeley: [chuckles] I got nothing. I’m just a songwriter.
Little Rock: No. No, you’re a song transcriber. Listen, Berkeley.
Berkeley: Yeah?
Little Rock: I don’t think this is going to work out. Even twelve year-olds know who Bob Dylan is, you f**king poser.
[putting his arm around Little Rock]
Tallahassee: Oh, my God. I’m not going to lie, I have truly enjoyed this moment.

[referring to the zombies]
Civil War Bearded Guy: We’ll fight them.
Tallahassee: You’ll be the first to die, but I like your enthusiasm.
Wichita: You might die.
Columbus: Thank you for your sacrifice.

Tallahassee: Time to nut up or shut up.
Wichita: You need a new line.
Tallahassee: Let’s kick some d*cks.
Wichita: Just because it rhymes doesn’t make it a great catchphrase.
Tallahassee: What’s her problem?
Columbus: I don’t know. I like it when it rhymes.

[to Columbus, who is trying to help get rid of the zombie holding onto Tallahassee]
Tallahassee: You hit me in the nuts with a hacky sack!

[after Wichita accepts Columbus’s proposal of marriage]
Columbus: What changed your mind?
Wichita: Because Zombieland or not, we’re meant to be together.
[takes out the ring from her pocket and tosses it to him]
Madison: So basically, that means this belongs to her.
Columbus: Oh, hm. Cool. Thank you.
[he kneels in front of her, puts the ring on her finger and then they kiss]

[referring to Wichita getting married to Columbus]
Tallahassee: I’m going to walk that little spitf**k down the aisle.
Nevada: It’s a good thing you didn’t die then.
[referring to where she’s from]
Nevada: Washoe County.
Tallahassee: What?
Nevada: Washoe County, Nevada.
Tallahassee: Ah, Reno.
Nevada: Biggest little city in the world.
[they kiss]

[as they’re driving off]
Nevada: Where to?
Columbus: Mm, how about home?
Tallahassee: Home?
Columbus: Yeah.
Tallahassee: Yes, good idea. Where’s home?
Columbus: I think we’re already there.

[last lines]
Columbus: [voice over] Because if our adventures had taught us about anything, it was home. Wichita didn’t need to be afraid of it. I didn’t need to keep looking for it. Because home isn’t a place, it’s the people you’re with. I guess that’s why they’re called your homies. And my homies are pretty f**king awesome. So till next time, this is Columbus, Ohio, on behalf of Wichita, Little Rock, Reno, and Tallahassee, saying hasta la vista, baby. That one’s for you, Flagstaff.

[mid-credit lines]
Columbus: [voice over] Oh, hey. Yeah, sorry. One more thing. I’m still actually feeling a little guilty about what Nevada said. You know, about Murraying a certain you know who? Yeah, my bad. I blew a hole through the finest comic actor of our generation. But I would love to make it up to you, to all of you. And for that, we got to go back to 2009.

[mid-credits; flashback to the start of the zombie outbreak on day zero where we see Bill Murray at a press junket]
Bill Murray: The idea of a trilogy was something, as an artist, you think the great ones, Godfather, Lethal Weapon.
Reporter: But the question is, why in the world Garfield 3?
Bill Murray: Can this be just between us?
Reporter: Yes.
Bill Murray: Drugs cost money.
Reporter #2: And I have to say, as an actor, how many of your nine lives do you think you have left?
Bill Murray: Well, I’ve done three of these. Three Garfields. So that’s six.
Reporter #3: The essence of Garfield, I think…
Bill Murray: Right.
Reporter #3: …is the hairball.
Bill Murray: [chuckles] Didn’t I say? I had a feeling this would come up.

[mid-credits; as he’s killing the zombies]
Bill Murray: I ain’t afraid of no ghost.

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