Our list of the best quotes from Disney+ spin-off television series created by Jac Schaeffer. In Agatha All Along when new tragedies hit Westview, Agatha Harkness (Kathryn Hahn), drained of power, is freed from a spell by a suspicious goth teen (Joe Locke). He convinces her to guide him through the legendary Witches Road, a perilous journey that promises to restore what witches lack. Together, they form a desperate coven and embark on the dangerous path.
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Best Campy and Frivolous Agatha All Along Quotes
Agatha Harkness: She is dead though, isn’t she, Herb?
Herb: Oh, she’s really, most sincerely dead.
Agatha Harkness: You never know.
Agatha Harkness: Only suckers wait their turn.
Rio Vidal: If you want to be in control, you can be.
Rio Vidal: [to Agatha] Is this really how you see yourself?
Rio Vidal: Did you know that it is a universally-acknowledged truth that a lady cop cannot be good at her job and have a healthy personal life at the same time?
Agatha Harkness: What compelled you to break into the home of a decorated detective?
Teen: When you say “decorated”, do you mean suspended without pay?
Agatha Harkness: What were you looking for in my house?
Teen: The respect of your peers and a fulfilling home life. But you were fresh out of both.
Rio Vidal: [to Agatha] There are two Jane Does in this case, and you know her name. So, what’s yours?
Herb: [to Agatha] You haven’t been yourself the past few days. Almost like you got bit by the true crime bug.
Agatha Harkness: [referring to Wanda] She took every little bit of power I had and left me with household appliances.
Rio Vidal: I’ve missed you.
Agatha Harkness: I hate you.
Agatha Harkness: This is undignified. Don’t you want me at my best? Admit it. You prefer me…
Rio Vidal: Horizontal, in a grave.
Rio Vidal: After all these centuries, Agatha Harkness will finally meet her end. Ugh! It really warms the heart.
Agatha Harkness: You don’t have a heart.
Rio Vidal: Yes, I do. It’s black. And it beats for you.
Teen: The Road will give you the thing you want the most. If you make it to the end.
Agatha Harkness: [referring to The Road] It will kill you.
Teen: Didn’t kill you.
Agatha Harkness: Well, I’m exceptional.
Teen: That’s my point.
Teen: [to Agatha] Okay, so, confession. I know an egregious amount about you. I’ve been obsessed since I first read up on your Salem days. One of my favorite “you” eras.
Teen: [to Agatha] The Road promises that what’s missing awaits you at its end. Power is what I’m missing. Sounds like it’s what you’re missing too.
Lilia Calderu: What witch in her right mind would join Agatha Harkness’s coven?
Agatha Harkness: I’m not looking for right-minded witches, as it happens.
Lilia Calderu: Witches like you are the reason people think we poison apples, and steal children, and eat babies.
Agatha Harkness: Babies are delicious.
Agatha Harkness: [to Lilia] You don’t look a day under a four hundred and fifty.
Teen: Years old?
Agatha Harkness: Historically, we as a group don’t do well in courtrooms.
Teen: I bid on a limited edition signed LP of the Ballad, but it cost more than I make in a whole summer at the Hokey Pokey Bowl.
Agatha Harkness: I don’t want to ever hear those words paired together again.
Lilia Calderu: You’re bound.
Jennifer Kale: And you need a chemical peel.
Agatha Harkness: Are there any real witches in the house? Because all I see are has-beens and could’ve-beens.
Lilia Calderu: You recruited us.
Agatha Harkness: And I was a fool. You can forget the Witches Road. I’d die before letting you befoul it with your noxious mediocrity.
Agatha Harkness: What a team of rejects. Coward. Fraud. Disappointment. I’d say you should burn like the rest of them but that would be a waste of kindling.
Teen: Well, there’s always analog magic. You know, labor-intensive, manual acts of magic. Witchcraft. Emphasis on the craft.
Teen: Why would someone want to hide me?
Teen: [referring to the house] It’s giving “middle-aged second chance at love” vibes and I’m here for it.
Alice Wu-Gulliver: Definitely a sip-your-tea-with-both-hands kind of place.
Mrs. Hart: Oh, my God! Bury me in that kitchen.
Alice Wu-Gulliver: “My age has value. I’m no fun alone. I mess with your mind, my tricks are well-known.”
Agatha Harkness: Sounds like a witch.
Jennifer Kale: Sounds like you.
Jennifer Kale: [to Teen, referring to Agatha] Did you know she traded her own child for the Book of the Damned?
Jennifer Kale: [to Teen] They say no one knows what happened to him. They say he might be dead. Others say he might be a demon, or an agent of Mephisto. But hey, that’s what happens when you have Agatha Harkness as your mom, right? I doubt she’d even recognize her own son if he showed up at her doorstep.
Mrs. Hart: Okay, so a witch is really just another name for a bad girl, is that right?
Lilia Calderu: That is extremely reductive. We are not a monolith. And, you know, I blame Halloween. Do you see any pointy hats in here? Any green skin? Any brooms? No, sir.
Alice Wu-Gulliver: Did you check the pantry for the gut of a eusocial insect?
Teen: That’s just a gross term for honey, isn’t it?
Agatha Harkness: They can take your power, Jen, but they can’t take your knowledge.
Lilia Calderu: We’re alive. We made it through the first test. Everyone is safe.
Teen: Not everyone. Sharon’s dead.
Agatha Harkness: Who’s Sharon?
Teen: We were supposed to look out for each other, but we didn’t. That was our fatal mistake.
Teen: I mean, seriously. We’re an album cover waiting to happen. Lilia Calderu: The only way to end a curse is to face it. Agatha Harkness: You don’t have to know a person’s name to know who they are. Lilia Calderu: Enjoy the now, baby. It’s the only thing that’s certain. Agatha Harkness: Hey, you want straight answers, ask a straight lady. Lilia Calderu: The flow of time is an illusion, Jen. Most people don’t realize that Lilia’s Maestra: Death comes for us all. Alice Wu-Gulliver: This can’t be the end. It has to be the beginning. Rio Vidal: You’re calling me “evil”? I am the natural order of all things, baby. And you love me.
Alice Wu-Gulliver: So, you’re a Green Witch?
Rio Vidal: Less “a” Green Witch. More “the” Green Witch.
Lilia Calderu: [referring to Rio] We know Agatha hates her. I’d say that goes in the “pro” column.
Jennifer Kale: [referring to Rio] Honestly, I don’t know how to feel. Do I hate her? Or do I want her phone number?
Alice Wu-Gulliver: Same.
Jennifer Kale: Right?
Agatha Harkness: [after Rio suggests Agatha kill the others] Hey! That’s my coven you’re talking about. I’m not that kind of witch anymore.
Lilia Calderu: You know, the worst part of being a witch? All the misconceptions and rumor mongering. That we talk to goats. That we’ve all got an extra nipple.
Rio Vidal: You guys don’t have extra nipples? I’m covered in nipples. You want to see?
Teen: Careful you don’t say something nice to me.
Rio Vidal: A long time ago, I loved someone. And I had to do something that I did not want to do, even though it was my job. And it hurt them. She is my scar.
Rio Vidal: [referring to Teen] Agatha. That boy isn’t yours.
Agatha Harkness: The moral of the story, kids, is always finish what you started. Also, mercy is overrated.
Teen: That’s what it means to be a witch? Killing people to serve your own agenda? No. Not for me.
Agatha Harkness: [to Teen] You’re so much like your mother.
Ralph Bohner: Are you CraftCrazy17?
Billy Maximoff: You must be Bohnerrific69.
Ralph Bohner: You can just call me Ralph. Randall. Call me Randall
Ralph Bohner: I mean, Wanda’s dead. Word on the street is SWORD used Vision for parts. And the twins, they just disappeared. But you want to know what I think? I think they got sucked up into that red bubble thing like everything else Wanda made. After that, I cut and run. Left my entire Blu-ray collection behind. Agatha can keep my BowFlex. I’m never going back.
Agatha Harkness: Even with the sigil in the way, you and your mother have the same tell.
Billy Maximoff: Which is?
Agatha Harkness: Very inconvenient for you.
Agatha Harkness: [to Billy] Don’t you dare feel guilty about your talent. You survived like witches have been doing for centuries. You saw an opportunity, an empty vessel, and you moved in. So you broke the rules. Big deal. That’s what kept you alive. That’s what makes you special. It’s what makes you a witch.
Agatha Harkness: [to Billy] Gosh, you really are a Maximoff. Otherwise, none of this would be nearly as dramatic.
Agatha Harkness: [to Billy] Let’s go find the next trial. Last one there is a nice person.
Billy Maximoff: I honestly believed your experience would be the key to our success here.
Agatha Harkness: We’re alive. Success.
Agatha Harkness: [dressed like the Wicked Witch of the West] She’s based on me, you know.
Billy Maximoff: Prove it.
Agatha Harkness: Well, you seem pleased with your look.
Billy Maximoff: [dressed like Maleficent] Well, if the cheekbones fit.
Jennifer Kale: The son of the Scarlet Witch kicked us off The Road.
Billy Maximoff: I thought we were cool!
Lilia Calderu: We are not cool, Teenager.
Billy Maximoff: Damn, using his full name.
Lilia Calderu: You’re reading my mind.
Billy Maximoff: Only because it’s so loud. No offense.
Lilia Calderu: Jen, aren’t you furious?
Jennifer Kale: I mean, always. But collectively, we’ve moved on.
Lilia Calderu: What am I wearing? This is so demeaning.
Jennifer Kale: Hey. Focus up, Calderu. We can be culturally offended later.
Lilia Calderu: Who’s the querent?
Billy Maximoff: You mean the subject? Me. I guess I’m the queer-ent.
Billy Maximoff: Am I William or am I Billy?
Lilia Calderu: That’s a very good question.
Lilia Calderu: You say it like it’s a comfort.
Lilia’s Maestra: It is what we all have in common.
Rio Vidal: In the end, all roads lead to me.
Agatha Harkness: What can I say? I like the bad boys.
Lilia Calderu: I loved being a witch.
Rio Vidal: Why do you let them believe those things about you, hmm? About Nicky?
Agatha Harkness: Because the truth is too awful.
Billy Maximoff: [referring to Rio] So Agatha’s ex is Death.
Jennifer Kale: That also makes sense.
Agatha Harkness: [to Jennifer] Your last name is a vegetable. Worst kind. It’s like swallowing a doily.
Billy Maximoff: Agatha, am I killing this boy so my brother can live?
Agatha Harkness: No, Billy. Sometimes, boys die.
Agatha Harkness: [as she gives birth to Nicholas] I spoke no spell. I said no incantation. You were made from scratch.
Billy Maximoff: I saw you die.
Agatha Harkness: Yeah. And now, I’m a ghost. Can you dig it?
Agatha Harkness: [to Billy] The song doesn’t mean anything. It never did. The Road wasn’t real until you made it real.
Billy Maximoff: I killed them. My mind killed them.
Agatha Harkness: Don’t give yourself too much credit. If you actually do the math on it, you saved a life.
Agatha Harkness: We could make a good team. You and me.
Billy Maximoff: Coven two?
Agatha Harkness: I do tend to kill my Coven members.
Billy Maximoff: So do I.
Agatha Harkness: One door closes…
Billy Maximoff: And another opens.
Agatha Harkness: Let’s go find Tommy.