Our list of the best quotes from Disney+’s MCU series, based on the characters Wanda Maximoff and Vision blended in the style of classic sitcoms. Set after the events of Avengers: Endgame (2019), we follow Wanda Maximoff (Elizabeth Olsen) and Vision (Paul Bettany), who are living the ideal suburban life in the town of Westview, trying to conceal their powers. As they begin to enter new decades and encounter television tropes, the couple suspects that things are not as they seem.
1. Filmed Before a Live Studio Audience
Vision: My wife and her flying saucers.
Wanda Maximoff: My husband and his indestructible head.
Vision: Aren’t we a fine pair?
Wanda Maximoff: What do you say to silver dollar pancakes, crispy hash browns, bacon, eggs, freshly squeezed orange juice, and black coffee?
Vision: I say, “Oh, I don’t eat food.”
Wanda Maximoff: Well, that explains the empty refrigerator.
Vision: Someone’s drawn a little heart right above today’s date.
Wanda Maximoff: Oh, yes, the heart. Well, don’t tell me you have forgotten, Vis.
Vision: Forgotten? Oh, Wanda, I’m incapable of forgetfulness. I remember everything. That’s not an exaggeration. In fact, I’m incapable of exaggeration.
Wanda Maximoff: Well, then tell me what’s so important about today’s date.
Vision: What was the question again? Oh, well, perhaps, you’ve forgotten yourself.
Wanda Maximoff: Me? Heavens, no. I’ve been so looking forward to it.
Vision: As have I. Today, we are celebrating.
Wanda Maximoff: You bet we are. It’s the first time we have ever celebrated this occasion before.
Vision: It’s a special day.
Wanda Maximoff: Perhaps an evening.
Vision: Of great significance.
Wanda Maximoff: To us both!
Agnes: Hello, dear. I’m Agnes, your neighbor to the right. My right, not yours.
Agnes: Forgive me for not stopping by sooner to welcome you to the block. My mother-in-law was in town, so I wasn’t.
Agnes: So what’s a single gal like you doing rattling around this big house?
Wanda Maximoff: Oh, no, I’m not single.
Agnes: Oh, I don’t see a ring.
Wanda Maximoff: Well, I assure you I’m married. To a man. A human one and tall.
Wanda Maximoff: It’s our anniversary!
Agnes: Oh, how marvelous! How many years?
Wanda Maximoff: Well, it feels like we’ve always been together.
Agnes: Lucky gal. The only way Ralph would remember our anniversary is if there was a beer named June 2nd.
Agnes: Say, I was just reading a crackerjack magazine article called “How To Treat Your Husband To Keep Your Husband”. And let me tell you, what Ralph could really use is, “How To Goose Your Wife So You Don’t Lose Your Wife”.
Norm: Hey, the music isn’t bothering you, is it, pal?
Vision: In terms of distraction from work, or the largely nonsensical nature of the lyrics?
Norm: The first one.
Vision: Ah, no. Thank you, Norm.
Vision: Then what is the purpose of this company?
Norm: All I know is, since you’ve gotten here, productivity has gone up three hundred percent.
Vision: Yes, but what is it we’re producing?
Norm: Computational forms. And no one can process the data quite like you do, pal. You’re like a walking computer.
Vision: What? I most certainly am not! I’m a regular carbon-based employee made entirely of organic matter. Much like yourself, Norm.
Mr. Hart: Wife and I are looking forward to this evening.
Vision: Mr. Hart. Of course! Dinner with Mr. Hart and his dear lady wife, Mrs. Hart.
Mr. Hart: That’s what I said. What’s wrong with you? Have you got a screw loose?
Vision: Oh, no, sir. Screws all tightened, sir.
Mr. Hart: Employee dinners are a rite of passage for the new hires. Jones over there failed miserably. Isn’t that right, Jones?
Phil Jones: The wife thought five courses would be sufficient.
Mr. Hart: And there was that paltry excuse for entertainment.
Phil Jones: A string quartet?
Mr. Hart: And then you had that embarrassing display of beatnik enthusiasm.
Phil Jones: I wore a turtleneck.
Mr. Hart: Yes. Best of luck out there in the unemployment line, Jones.
Mr. Hart: You know, I owe my success to being a keen judge of character. No skeletons in your closet, eh, Vision?
Vision: I don’t have a skeleton, sir.
Mr. Hart: Glad to hear it. Your future in this company depends on it.
Agnes: So we’ve got music covered, decor, wardrobe. Oh! What about seduction techniques?
Wanda Maximoff: Oh, I have those.
Agnes: Of course, you do.
Wanda Maximoff: Just out of curiosity, what does it say?
Agnes: That you should stumble when you walk into a room so he can catch you. It’s romantic.
Wanda Maximoff: Any other tricks?
Agnes: You could point out that the death rate of single men is twice that of married men.
Wanda Maximoff: Now, that’s romantic.
Vision: I must confess, I’m really rather nervous.
Wanda Maximoff: Nervous? Whatever for?
Vision: Well, you know, darling, I still get a little tongue-tied.
Wanda Maximoff: Vis, after all this time.
Vision: There’s an awful lot riding on this one, Wanda. If tonight doesn’t go just so, I think this could be the end.
Wanda Maximoff: Well, it’s just one night. There’s no need to get dramatic.
Vision: Look, I think the best course of action is to impress the wife.
Wanda Maximoff: And I think the best course of action is to impress the husband.
Vision: Well, wonderful. Glad to know we’re both on the same page.
Commercial Man: Is your husband tired of you burning his toast? Try our new and improved ToastMate 2000. It’s the go-to for clever housewives.
Commercial Woman: Say, this machine has some shine.
Commercial Man: You said it. Set the dial and get the taste back into your toast. Top and bottom heating elements can handle anything. From meatloaf, to cherry pie, to open-faced cheese sandwiches. The all new ToastMate 2000, by Stark Industries. Forget the past. This is your future.
Wanda Maximoff: [referring to Mr. and Mrs. Hart] Who are those people?
Vision: What are you wearing?
Wanda Maximoff: Why are they here?
Vision: What are you wearing?
Wanda Maximoff: Well, it’s our anniversary!
Vision: Our anniversary of what?
Wanda Maximoff: Well, if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you!
Vision: That man through there is my boss, Mr. Hart! And his dear lady wife, Mrs. Hart! The heart on the calendar was an abbreviation!
Wanda Maximoff: You move at the speed of sound, and I can make a pen float through the air. Who needs to abbreviate?
Mr. Hart: You’re awfully dense, aren’t you, Vision?
Wanda Maximoff: Oh, Agnes! You’re a life-saver!
Agnes: What kind of housewife would I be if I didn’t have a gourmet meal for four just lying about the place? Well, not that Ralph ever wants to eat anything but baked beans, which explains a lot about his personal appeal, mind you.
Wanda Maximoff: Oh, thank you, Agnes. I think I’ve got it covered from here.
Agnes: Oh, are you sure, dear? Many hands make light work. And many mouths make good gossip.
Wanda Maximoff: You’re so naughty!
Wanda Maximoff: Diane!
Vision: Yes? Oh, I think that must be my wife summoning me.
Mr. Hart: She calls you “Diane”?
Vision: Yes, it’s her pet name for me. I’m just coming, Fred.
Vision: How can I be of assistance?
Wanda Maximoff: Well, the chicken is no longer a chicken, and the lobsters just flew the coop, so the steak is the last man standing.
Wanda Maximoff: I hope you’re hungry.
Mr. Hart: Starved, is more like it.
Mrs. Hart: My head is starting to feel woozy.
Wanda Maximoff: [as they hear a thud coming from the kitchen where Vision is tenderizing the meat] Were either of you aware that married men are killing single men at an alarming rate?
Mr. Hart: What are you going on about?
Mr. Hart: [as Agnes knocks on their door] Who was that?
Wanda Maximoff: A salesman!
Vision: Telegram! A man selling telegrams.
Wanda Maximoff: Wouldn’t you know it. Good news is more expensive.
Mr. Hart: My wife’s head is spinning. Generally speaking, I don’t like her head to do that.
Mrs. Hart: So where did you two move from? What brought you here? How long have you been married? And why don’t you have children yet?
Vision: I think what my wife means to say is that we moved from…
Wanda Maximoff: Yes, we moved from…
Vision: And we were married…
Wanda Maximoff: Yes. Yes. We were married in…
Mr. Hart: Well? Moved from where? Married when?
Mrs. Hart: Now, patience, Arthur. They’re setting up their story. Let them tell it.
Wanda Maximoff: We… Our story…
Mr. Hart: Yes, what exactly is your story?
Wanda Maximoff: We are an unusual couple, you know?
Vision: Oh, I don’t think that was ever in question.
Wanda Maximoff: We don’t have an anniversary. Or a song. Or even wedding rings.
Vision: Well, we could remedy that. Today could be our anniversary.
Wanda Maximoff: Of what? Surviving our first dinner party?
Vision: And our song could be?
Wanda Maximoff: Yakety Yak, naturally.
Wanda Maximoff: And the rings?
Vision: Well, couldn’t you make some for us?
[Wanda uses her powers to put rings on their fingers]
Vision: I do. Do you?
Wanda Maximoff: Yes. I do.
Vision: And they lived happily ever after.
2. Don’t Touch That Dial
Wanda Maximoff: What do you see?
Vision: Only your lovely rose bushes.
Wanda Maximoff: That’s all? Are you using your night vision, Vision?
Vision: I assure you, my love, I see nothing amiss. You have absolutely no reason to be frightened…
Wanda Maximoff: [Vision yelps as they hear the loud thudding noise] You were saying?
Vision: Actually, I did overhear a couple of lads at work remarking on a few unsavory characters settling in the neighborhood. Now, who knows what those ne’er-do-wells might be up to? Robbing houses, vandalizing property.
Wanda Maximoff: Walking through walls, moving objects without touching them.
Vision: Wanda, darling, you can’t be suggesting my colleagues were referring to us.
Wanda Maximoff: Darling, the talent show fundraiser is the most important event of the season, and it’s our neighborly duty to participate. Plus, it’s our chance to appear as normal as possible while doing so.
Vision: [points to his face] Well, I don’t think that should be a problem.
Wanda Maximoff: This is our home now. I want us to fit in.
Vision: Oh, darling, we do. We shall. And we’re going to knock their socks off.
[holds up a glittery glamorous leotard]
Vision: Especially, with you wearing this.
Wanda Maximoff: Oh, that’s actually the rest of your costume.
Vision: Would you look at us? Wanda and Vision, Westview fitter-inners.
Agnes: So, are you ready to meet Queen Cul de Sac and her Merry Homemakers?
Wanda Maximoff: Agnes, Dottie can’t be as bad as you say.
Agnes: Well, you’ll notice her roses bloom under penalty of death.
Agnes: Wanda, can I give you a bit of friendly advice?
Wanda Maximoff: Is it about the way how I’m dressed?
Agnes: Yes, but it’s too late for that.
Dottie: The devil’s in the details, Bev.
Agnes: [quietly to Wanda] That’s not the only place he is.
Dottie: Those little boys and girls are counting on us. All of this is for the children.
Women: “For the children”.
Wanda Maximoff: “For the children”.
Norm: “New business” actually means another round of Danish.
Phil Jones: Raspberry, or cheese-filled?
Vision: Oh, neither for me, thank you. I don’t eat food. What I mean to say is that I don’t eat food in between meals but at mealtimes. I’m a regular eating machine.
Vision: I too have some top secret gossip to share. Norm here’s a Communist.
Phil Jones: [the men laugh] Vision, you’re a real cut-up.
Norm: You know, I always thought you were kind of a square.
Vision: Me? No, I’m as round as they come.
Herb: [offers gum to Vision] Hey, care for a stick of Big Red?
Norm: Well, hold on there a second. Didn’t you hear the man? He doesn’t eat food.
Phil Jones: Is gum food?
Vision: Well, my understanding is that it’s purely for mastication.
Herb: Oh, no, I don’t do that.
Wanda Maximoff: I can’t help but wonder if you and I haven’t gotten off on the wrong foot, Dottie. And I would like to correct that if I can.
Dottie: And how would you do that? I’ve heard things about you. You and your husband.
Wanda Maximoff: Well, I don’t know what you’ve been told, but I assure you I don’t mean anyone any harm.
Dottie: I don’t believe you.
Dottie: Pop quiz, Wanda. How does a housewife get a bloodstain out of white linen? By doing it herself.
Commercial Man: They say a man is never fully dressed without two important accessories. His special lady, and his Strücker. Strücker. He’ll make time for you.
[we see the watch is made by Hydra]
Wanda Maximoff: Where have you been?
Vision: [intoxicated] Oh. Well, me and the boys were playing a rather thrilling game of horses with shoes. No, that’s not it. Shoe horses! No. Ah! Horse’s shoes.
Vision: [at the neighborhood talent show] I am Glamor, and this is my delightful assistant, Illusion.
Wanda Maximoff: I am Glamor, and he’s Illusion.
Vision: Yeah, what she said.
Vision: Today, we will lie to you, and yet you will believe our little deceptions because human beings are easily fooled due to their limited understanding of the inner workings of the universe. Flourish!
Wanda Maximoff: You just do it, you don’t say it out loud, honey.
Vision: And now my wife and I will delight in your dumbstruck little faces. Flourish!
[he starts to float up into the air]
Vision: Who stole my hat?
[sees the rabbit running off]
Vision: Oh! Oh, stop that rabbit! I got to need to pull a hat out of it.
Wanda Maximoff: Maybe we leave the poor bunny out this one, shall we?
Vision: Well then, I will just have to pull this hat out of myself.
Vision: And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our grand finale. I bring you, The Magnet of Crysteries!
Wanda Maximoff: The Cabinet of Mysteries!
Vision: Yeah, yeah. What she said. I will now make my wife disappear.
Agnes: Are you sure you don’t want an audience volunteer named “My husband Ralp”?
Wanda Maximoff: But what is going on with you?
Vision: I have no idea. I’ve been feeling weirdy all day.
Vision: [after Wanda uses her powers to pull the gum out of him] Would you look at that? That really gummed up my works, didn’t it?
Wanda Maximoff: Hmm.
Vision: I’m not as funny without it, am I?
Wanda Maximoff: Well, you’re back to yourself, and that’s all I care about. Now, let’s get out of here before Dottie and the planning committee string us up for ruining the show.
Dottie: Nothing like what you two just did up here has ever happened in the history of our talent show.
Wanda Maximoff: Dottie, we are so…
Dottie: Hilarious! That was the most hilarious act we’ve ever seen.
Geraldine: I have to ask. One second, I’m backstage and in the next, I’m in a dark cubby hole. How did you do it?
Vision: Oh, a magician never reveals his secrets. He leaves that to his assistant.
Wanda Maximoff: And she’s not talking.
Geraldine: I had a feeling you’d say that.
Vision: You were tremendous, Glamor.
Wanda Maximoff: As were you, Illusion.
Wanda Maximoff: I don’t know what I was so worried about. It wasn’t so hard to fit in after all.
Vision: And all we had to do was be ourselves.
Wanda Maximoff: Well, with a few modifications.
Vision: And it was all….
Wanda, Vision: For the children.
Wanda Maximoff: What?
[Wanda turn and we see she’s pregnant]
Wanda Maximoff: Vision, is this really happening?
Vision: Yes, my love. It’s really happening.
Jimmy Woo: [after Wanda resets their reality and the set changes to the 70s; through radio] Wanda? Who’s doing this to you, Wanda? Wanda?
3. Now in Color
Doctor Nielsen: Yep! Definitely pregnant.
Wanda Maximoff: Well, that much we figured.
Vision: It’s just kind of taken us by surprise. It’s just kind of suddenly. Quite suddenly, wasn’t it? I mean, practically overnight. I mean, how did this happen?
Doctor Nielsen: You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much…
Wanda Maximoff: Well, we’re just tickled pink, or blue.
Doctor Nielsen: You’re at about four months now. Is that right?
[Wanda nods, Vision shakes his head, they look at each other and Vision nods with Wanda]
Doctor Nielsen: I thought as much. We let the little ladies keep tabs on their growing babies with fruit. Makes it simple for them. At four months, the fetus is about as big as a pear. At five months, a papaya. Six, grapefruit. Seven, pineapple. Eight, honeydew.
Vision: Hypothetically speaking, what size fruit would it be at, say, twelve hours?
Doctor Nielsen: Uh, pardon? Twelve hours?
Wanda Maximoff: Well, I think this line of questioning is fruitless.
Vision: Well, hypothetically speaking, should we be concerned?
Doctor Nielsen: Hypothetically speaking, every new father-to-be gets nervous.
Vision: Well, I have nerves of steel, so there goes your theory, Mr. Doctor…
Wanda Maximoff: Vision, why don’t you see the doctor out?
Vision: I can’t wait to be a proud papaya.
Vision: [reading] “Nesting, the overwhelming urge during pregnancy to clean, organize, and prepare the home for the new baby.”
Wanda Maximoff: See? You’re an expert already. We’ve got nothing to worry about.
Vision: Well, nothing to worry about outside of morning sickness, mood swings, aching back, and feet. Darling, you should probably sit down.
Wanda Maximoff: Don’t be silly. All I feel is excitement, happiness.
Vision: [to Wanda] Well, if that was the first kick, that puts you at about six months! Boy, oh, boy. I thought I had super speed. I can’t keep up.
Wanda Maximoff: [debating their baby’s name between Tommy and Billy] Well, I guess there’s only one solution to this debate. Hope for a girl.
Vision: [referring to the baby name] Well, we ought to decide soon. I estimate the baby’s due, it’s not a constant progression, assumingly logarithmic, but were I to graph the fetal development thus far…
Wanda Maximoff: He’s going to be here before you figure it out.
Vision: Nearest I can conclude is that Billy…
Wanda Maximoff: Tommy.
Vision: Hmm. Is due Friday afternoon.
Wanda Maximoff: In three days? Maybe I should sit down.
Wanda Maximoff: Do any of your books talk about this? It’s not painful, but it’s strange.
Vision: A tightening sensation?
Wanda Maximoff: Yep, that’s it.
Vision: Yes. Where was it? Where was it? “Braxton Hicks contractions, also known as false labor, usually starts in the third trimester. Named after John Braxton Hicks in 1875.”
Wanda Maximoff: Honey.
Dottie: Phil? Do these earrings make me look fat?
Phil Jones: [just then the electricity cuts out] Oh, thank God.
Vision: [referring to the power being cut] It appears that the whole block is out.
Wanda Maximoff: Oh, and that was just a fake contraction. Who knows what will happen when the real thing starts. Do you think they know it’s my fault?
Wanda Maximoff: With all the close calls we’ve been having, it seems the people of Westview are always on the verge of discovering our secret.
Vision: Yes, I know what you mean. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? Mr. and Mrs. Hart, dinner. Outside with Herb. I think something’s wrong here, Wanda.
[the scene suddenly resets again]
Vision: The truth is, we are in unchartered waters. And you know what? I’m anxious too.
Wanda Maximoff: We just don’t know what to expect.
Wanda Maximoff: Will the baby be human, or Synthezoid? A bit of both?
Vision: If he’s anything like his mother, Billy will be perfect.
Wanda Maximoff: You mean Tommy.
Wanda Maximoff: [referring to her contraction] This is a real one!
Wanda Maximoff: I thought you said Friday afternoon!
Vision: Well, I didn’t consider that the timings between developmental benchmarks could be quite random!
Wanda Maximoff: [as it starts raining on them in their home] Vis?
Vision: Yes, dear?
Wanda Maximoff: I think my water just broke.
Vision: Yes, dear.
Commercial Man: Do you need a break?
Commercial Woman: You read my mind.
Commercial Man: Come with me. Escape to a world all your own, where your problems float away. When you want to get away, but you don’t want to go anywhere. Hydra Soak, find the goddess within.
Vision: [referring to Dr. Nielson] Damn, the phones are down too. I better run. Except, he might have already left for vacation.
Wanda Maximoff: Where? At a time like this?
Vision: Well, in fairness, darling, the baby is approximately nine months early.
Geraldine: [as Wanda is wearing a coat to hide her pregnancy] It’s seventy-five degrees out. You’re making a fashion statement?
Wanda Maximoff: Hi, Geraldine. You know, now is not really a good time.
Geraldine: No, no, no, it’s foxy. You’ll have to let me borrow it sometime. But first, I got to borrow a bucket. Not to wear, to use.
Wanda Maximoff: It’s coming. Oh. The baby’s coming.
Geraldine: You’re pregnant?!
Geraldine: [as Wanda’s contractions is causing chaos in her house] I may be late to the party, but I imagine there is a logical explanation for this.
Wanda Maximoff: It’s all perfectly natural!
Wanda Maximoff: Well, don’t you want to meet your son as yourself?
[Vision changes into his natural form]
Wanda Maximoff: [to the babcy] Ooh. You’re strong.
Vision: Hello there, little Tommy.
Wanda Maximoff: Tommy?
Vision: Yes, Tommy.
Vision: Good heavens! There’s another baby coming.
Wanda Maximoff: Billy?
Doctor Nielsen: Twenty fingers and twenty toes. You’ve got two healthy baby boys on your hands.
Wanda Maximoff: Thank you, Doctor.
Doctor Nielsen: Yeah. All in a day’s work.
Vision: Allow me to walk you out, Doctor.
Doctor Nielsen: Oh, alright. As long as we actually walk this time.
Vision: Well, Dr. Nielson, I hope you’re still able to make your trip.
Doctor Nielsen: Ah, yes. My trip. I don’t think we’ll get away after all. Small towns, you know. So hard to escape.
Vision: Did you lose power too?
Agnes: Oh, sure did. But Ralph looks better in the dark, so I’m not complaining.
Wanda Maximoff: I’m a twin. I had a brother. His name was Pietro.
[Wanda starts singing a Sokovian lullaby to the twins]
Geraldine: He was killed by Ultron, wasn’t he?
Wanda Maximoff: What did you say?
Herb: [referring to Geraldine] She’s new to town. Brand new.
Agnes: There’s no family. No husband.
Vision: Well, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Agnes: No home.
Wanda Maximoff: What did you say about Pietro?
Geraldine: Pietro? Hey, I’ll take a shift rocking the babies.
Wanda Maximoff: No, I think you should leave.
Geraldine: Oh, Wanda, don’t be like that.
[Wanda notices Gerladine’s pendant, which has a SWORD emblem]
Herb: [referring to Geraldine] She came here because we’re all…
Vision: She came here because we’re all what? What are you trying to tell me?
Wanda Maximoff: [referring to Geraldine’s pendant] What is that?
Wanda Maximoff: That. That symbol.
Geraldine: I, uh, I…
Wanda Maximoff: Who are you?
Vision: Wanda. Where’s Geraldine?
Wanda Maximoff: Oh, she left, honey. She had to rush home.
[we then see Geraldine cast out from the town and SWORD agents surround her]
4. We Interrupt This Program
Dr. Highland: [after we see Monica returning from The Blip] Maria died three years ago.
Monica Rambeau: Three? No. No. No, no…
Dr. Highland: Which was two years after you…
Monica Rambeau: After I what? After I what?
Dr. Highland: After you disappeared.
Director Hayward: Captain Monica Rambeau.
Monica Rambeau: Director Tyler Hayward.
Director Hayward: Acting Director. You haven’t aged a day.
Monica Rambeau: And you look old as hell.
Director Hayward: The world’s not the same as you left it. Space is now full of unexpected threats.
Monica Rambeau: Always was full of threats. And allies.
Director Hayward: Listen, Monica, I just want to acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation. I know SWORD’s your home. Your mom built this place from the ground up. You grew up here. You should have been here to help name the replacement.
Monica Rambeau: You were the obvious choice.
Director Hayward: I was the only choice.
Monica Rambeau: I wasn’t going to say it.
Director Hayward: There’s no easy way to say this, but you’re grounded.
Monica Rambeau: I’m sorry, what?
Director Hayward: Terrestrial missions only.
Monica Rambeau: You’re kidding. For how long? Whose protocol is this?
Director Hayward: Your mother’s. She implemented guidelines in the event vanished personnel ever returned.
Director Hayward: Look, I know it’s a raw deal, but there is one positive takeaway.
Monica Rambeau: What’s that?
Director Hayward: She believed you’d come back.
Jimmy Woo: I’ve got a witness set up down the road in Westview, and this morning, it looked like he flew the coop.
Monica Rambeau: Your missing person is in the Witness Protection Program?
Jimmy Woo: I have contacted known associates, relatives…
Monica Rambeau: And let me guess, none of them have seen him either?
Jimmy Woo: No. None of them have ever heard of him.
Jimmy Woo: Would you mind repeating your claim about Westview to my colleague here?
Sheriff: No such place.
Monica Rambeau: You’re saying the town of Westview, New Jersey, doesn’t exist?
Sheriff: It’s what I keep telling your G-Man here, but he won’t listen.
Monica Rambeau: I see. And, I’m sorry, what town are you from?
Jimmy Woo: [referring to Westview] I pulled phone numbers for all the residents. I’m only through the Ds, but so far I got Diddly Squat.
Monica Rambeau: So you can’t reach anyone inside, and everyone on the outside has some sort of selective amnesia?
Jimmy Woo: This isn’t a missing person’s case, Captain Rambeau, it’s a missing town. Population three thousand eight hundred and ninety-two.
Monica Rambeau: Why haven’t you gone inside to investigate?
Jimmy Woo: Because it doesn’t want me to. You can feel it too, can’t you? Nobody’s supposed to go in.
Monica Rambeau: [to Woo] Why is it that you have an awareness of Westview? Or me, for that matter? Is it because we are outside of a certain radius? Or maybe because we don’t have a personal connection?
Jimmy Woo: What is it?
Monica Rambeau: Some sort of energy field.
[after which Monica is pulled into it]
Darcy Lewis: We got the full clown car. It means whatever the threat is, SWORD clearly has no idea what they’re dealing with.
Darcy Lewis: Those drones you’re sending in, what kind of data are you getting?
Agent Monti: I’m afraid that’s highly classified.
Darcy Lewis: You can’t see anything?
Darcy Lewis: Is there somewhere a lady could get a cup of coffee? You guys look like you might get down with those little pod things. Horrendous for the environment, you know.
Darcy Lewis: I need a TV. An old one. Like, not flat.
Jimmy Woo: Director Hayward, between you, me, and the bedpost, I am not confident about this mission.
Director Hayward: Thanks for the feedback, Jimmy. If only my drones were as forthcoming.
Jimmy Woo: We don’t know about the nature of the threat to send another agent when the first is yet to return.
Director Hayward: Someone must miss you back in Quantico.
Jimmy Woo: No, sir. Softball season’s over, sir.
Darcy Lewis: [after they discover broadcast signals for WandaVision sitcom] Look, I know it’s been a crazy few years on this planet, but he’s dead, right? Not blipped, dead.
Director Hayward: [referring to the WandaVision sitcom] Is it authentic?
Darcy Lewis: I’m not sure how to answer that.
Director Hayward: Is it happening in real time? Is it recorded? Fabricated?
Darcy Lewis: I don’t know. I don’t know. And I don’t know.
Jimmy Woo: So you’re saying the universe created a sitcom starring two Avengers?
Darcy Lewis: It’s a working theory.
Darcy Lewis: [as they discover Monica is Geraldine in the sitcom] Does she seem okay to you?
Jimmy Woo: Well, she doesn’t appear to be harmed in any way. But that is definitely not the boss lady I met yesterday.
Darcy Lewis: So what, deep cover? Monica has to play along?
Jimmy Woo: With whom? Or else, what?
Jimmy Woo: What are we looking at here? Is it an alternate reality? Time travel? Some cockamamie social experiment?
Darcy Lewis: It’s a sitcom. A 1950s sitcom.
Jimmy Woo: But why?
Darcy Lewis: Hey, man, we’re working with the same scarcity of intel.
Darcy Lewis: So, you’ve seen that radio in Wanda’s kitchen counter, right? The next time she’s washing dishes, which, by my count, happens about once an episode, barf, we’ll shoot a signal to that little guy. This transmitter will mimic the frequency of the broadcast, and if my theory is right, allow us to speak directly to her. This is totally going to work.
Darcy Lewis: Uh, Jimmy, Monica is talking to Wanda. She’s got a speaking part now.
Jimmy Woo: What is she saying?
Darcy Lewis: She likes Wanda’s pants.
Jimmy Woo: [attempting to use the radio to contact Wanda] Wanda. Who is doing this to you, Wanda? Wanda? Can you hear me? I’m here to help you.
Darcy Lewis: 1950s, 1960s, and now the ’70s. Why does it keep switching time periods? It can’t be purely for my enjoyment, and it?
Jimmy Woo: And I can’t believe Wanda and Vision are having a baby.
Darcy Lewis: You want any?
Jimmy Woo: Heck, I thought about it for sure. A little Jimmy Woo. Get him a tiny little FBI badge.
[then realizes Darcy was offering him a chip from her chips bag]
Darcy Lewis: [watching the sitcom] Twins. What a twist.
[Woo looks at her]
Darcy Lewis: What? I’m invested.
Jimmy Woo: [as they’re watching the sitcom] Did she just say the name Ultron? Has that happened before? A reference to our reality?
Darcy Lewis: No. Never.
Darcy Lewis: There’s nothing here. One second, Monica is standing right there, and the next, she isn’t. Someone is censoring the broadcast.
Jimmy Woo: But where’s Rambeau?
Wanda Maximoff: [back in the sitcom] Who are you?
Monica Rambeau: Wanda, I’m just your neighbor.
Wanda Maximoff: Then how did you know about Ultron? You’re not my neighbor. And you’re definitely not my friend. You are a stranger and an outsider. And right now, you are trespassing here. And I want you to leave.
[she uses her powers to cast Monica out of the town]
Vision: [as Wanda sees Vision is a corpse] What? What is it? What’s wrong?
[Wanda restores the illusion of Vision]
Vision: We don’t have to stay here. We could go wherever we want.
Wanda Maximoff: No, we can’t. This is our home.
Vision: Are you sure?
Wanda Maximoff: Oh, don’t worry, darling. I have everything under control.
Jimmy Woo: [after she’s been cast out of the town] Monica, are you okay?
Monica Rambeau: It’s Wanda. It’s all Wanda.
5. On a Very Special Episode…
Wanda Maximoff: If you go to sleep, I promise you will be my favorite twin.
Vision: Oh, come on now, darling. You know we love them both equally.
Wanda Maximoff: Well, don’t tell him that.
Wanda Maximoff: No luck with Billy?
Vision: Tried reading to him, but for some reason, Charles Darwin’s The Descent of Man made him cry even harder.
Vision: [as he quickly changes to his human form] Agnes, I was just fluffing this pillow. With my face.
Agnes: Oh, I was just on my way to Jazzercise when I heard your new little bundles of joy were on a sleep strike.
Vision: Oh? Who told you that?
Agnes: Uh, my ears.
Vision: [referring to their baby cribs] They’re empty.
Wanda Maximoff: Then where are the twins?
Tommy, Billy Maximoff: [we see the twins have aged] Mommy? Daddy?
Agnes: Kids. You can’t control them. No matter how hard you try.
Director Hayward: What’s the first thing you do remember?
Monica Rambeau: Pain. And then, Wanda’s voice in my head.
Director Hayward: Did you try to resist?
Monica Rambeau: There was this feeling keeping me down. This hopeless feeling. Like drowning. It was grief.
Director Hayward: Our initial theory had Wanda Maximoff as one of many victims. We now know she is the principal victimizer.
Jimmy Woo: I try not to speak ill of people.
Darcy Lewis: Then allow me. Hayward’s a…
Director Hayward: …terrorists.
Monica Rambeau: Wanda’s not a terrorist.
Director Hayward: By your own account, you described the experience of being under her mind control as, “Excruciating. Terrifying. A violation.”
Monica Rambeau: My point is, I don’t believe she has a political agenda, or any inclination toward destruction.
Director Hayward: Monica, she blasted you halfway across New Jersey.
Monica Rambeau: And I survived because she chose to protect me.
Director Hayward: She’s holding thousands of people hostage.
Monica Rambeau: And it could have been thousands more if she hadn’t put up her own quarantine. Listen, I don’t believe this is a premeditated act of aggression.
Director Hayward: Nine days ago. Maximoff stormed our facility, stole the Vision’s body, and resurrected him.
Jimmy Woo: But that’s in direct violation of Section 36B of the Sokovia Accords.
Director Hayward: And the Vision’s own living will.
Jimmy Woo: He didn’t want to be anybody’s weapon.
Director Hayward: Maximoff, in her grief, disregarded his wishes.
Jimmy Woo: [referring to resurrecting Vision] But how did she even do it? Bring him back without the Mind Stone?
Darcy Lewis: Who knows? But she has the world’s only vibranium synthezoid, playing Father-Knows-Best-In-Suburbia. What happens when he learns the truth?
Vision: Morning, wife. Morning, boys. Good morning, unfamiliar wet animal.
Vision: [as Wanda uses her powers to make a dog collar appear] Agnes was right there!
Wanda Maximoff: Well, she didn’t notice. She didn’t even notice when the boys went from babies to five year-olds.
Vision: That’s not what we agreed upon. You made no effort to conceal your abilities.
Wanda Maximoff: Well, I’m tired of hiding, Vis. And maybe you don’t have to either.
Vision: Wanda, we are usually so much of the same mind. But right now, what aren’t you telling me?
Monica Rambeau: What I need is a ten thousand pound fallout shelter comprised of lead for photons, cadmium for neutrons, tantalum for seismic blasts, on wheels. And then, I would be able to safely re-enter Westview. Right?
Darcy Lewis: Yes. Theoretically.
Monica Rambeau: I can work with theoretically.
Jimmy Woo: What did I miss?
Darcy Lewis: The twins aged up to ten.
Jimmy Woo: Holy Christmas. At this rate, they’ll be empty nesters by dinner time.
Monica Rambeau: What’s a Hex?
Darcy Lewis: Oh, it’s what I’m calling the anomaly, because of its hexagonal shape. It’s starting to catch on.
Monica Rambeau: Oh, Wanda’s twins are hers. Everything might look fake in the TV, but everything in there is real.
Jimmy Woo: But Wanda manipulates people’s perceptions, makes them hallucinate.
Darcy Lewis: Yeah, that’s her whole bag. If all the sets, and props, and wardrobe were solid matter, that would mean she’s wielding an insane amount of power.
Jimmy Woo: Far exceeding anything she’s displayed in the past.
Monica Rambeau: [referring to Wanda] She could have taken out Thanos on her own if he hadn’t initiated a blitz. I mean, nobody else came close.
Jimmy Woo: Well, I’d argue that Captain Marvel came close.
Darcy Lewis: Her powers came from an Infinity Stone too, right?
Monica Rambeau: We are not talking about her. We are talking about Wanda.
Monica Rambeau: Wanda is rewriting reality.
Darcy Lewis: Permanently?
Monica Rambeau: If she can change things as they go into the Hex…
Darcy Lewis: Ah, you called it the Hex.
Monica Rambeau: What happens if we send something in that requires no change?
Norm: So you’re telling me this is a typewriter, a Rolodex, and a calendar all in one? What else can it do? Find me a wife?
Vision: Eventually, yes.
Norm: [after Vision uses his power to stop Norm’s mind control] You have to stop her.
Vision: Stop who?
Norm: She’s in my head. None of it is my own. It hurts. It hurts so much. Just make her stop. Make her stop!
Wanda Maximoff: Sometimes, your dad and I aren’t on the same page. But that’s just temporary. Like the two of you, you might fight over toys, but he’s always going to be your brother. And he is always going to be yours. Because family is forever.
Tommy Maximoff: Do you have a brother, mom?
Wanda Maximoff: I do. Yeah. He’s far away from here. And that makes me sad sometimes.
Jimmy Woo: We can’t see the drone on the broadcast. Wanda’s framing it out of the shot.
Darcy Lewis: Just like all the jump cuts. Wanda decides what makes it onto her show and what doesn’t.
Director Hayward: The missile was just a precaution. You can hardly blame us, Wanda.
Wanda Maximoff: Oh, I think I can. This will be your only warning. Stay out of my home. You don’t bother me. I won’t bother you.
Director Hayward: I wish it could be that simple. You’ve taken an entire town hostage.
Wanda Maximoff: Well, I’m not the one with the guns, Director.
Monica Rambeau: But you are the one in control.
Monica Rambeau: Wanda, I didn’t know the drones were armed. But you know that, don’t you? A town full of civilians. And you, a telepath, brought a SWORD Agent into your home. You trusted me to help deliver your babies. On some level, Wanda, you know I am an ally. I want to help you.
Wanda Maximoff: How? What could you possibly have to offer me?
Monica Rambeau: What do you want?
Wanda Maximoff: I have what I want, and no one will ever take it from me again.
Commercial Woman: You’ve got a mess, and you’re still using the next leading brand. You need Lagos brand paper towels. The most absorbent paper towel available. Husbands can use it too, you know. Lagos. For when you make a mess you didn’t mean to.
Wanda Maximoff: [after Sparky dies] Wait. Don’t. Don’t.
Tommy Maximoff: Don’t what?
Wanda Maximoff: Don’t age yourselves up. The urge to run from this feeling is powerful. I know.
Billy Maximoff: It’s too sad.
Tommy Maximoff: You can fix anything, mom. Fix the dead.
Wanda Maximoff: What? No.
Agnes: You can do that?
Wanda Maximoff: [to Tommy and Billy] I am trying to tell you that there are rules in life, okay? We can’t rush aging just because it’s convenient. And we can’t reverse death. No matter how sad it makes us. Okay? Some things are forever.
Vision: How are the boys?
Wanda Maximoff: A little heartbroken, but they’ll be alright.
Vision: Well, it’s not often you get a dog and bury them the same day.
Wanda Maximoff: Well, life moves pretty fast out in the suburbs.
Wanda Maximoff: [after Vision reveals he’s spoke to Norm] Listen, can we just…
Vision: What? Watch TV? Turn in for the night so that you can change everything over again? No, Wanda. You can’t control me the way you do them.
Wanda Maximoff: Can’t I?
Vision: What is the “Maximoff Anomaly”?
Wanda Maximoff: The what?
Vision: I have to believe that this, whatever this is, was subconscious at first, and that you only recently became aware of it.
Wanda Maximoff: Aware of what?
Vision: Norm has a family, Wanda! He has a family, and he can’t reach them, because you won’t let him reach them!
Wanda Maximoff: I don’t know what you’re talking about!
Vision: Stop lying to me!
Wanda Maximoff: This, all of this is for us. So let me handle it.
Vision: What is outside of Westview?
Wanda Maximoff: You don’t want to know, I promise you.
Vision: You don’t get to make that choice for me, Wanda!
Wanda Maximoff: You’ve never talked to me like this before.
Vision: Before what? Before what?
Vision: I can’t remember my life before Westview. I don’t know who I am! I’m scared!
Wanda Maximoff: You are my husband. You are Tommy and Billy’s father. Isn’t that enough?
Vision: Wanda, what you’re doing here, it’s wrong. It is wrong.
Vision: Wanda, who is this?
Pietro Maximoff: [to Wanda] Long lost bro get to squeeze his stinking sister to death or what?
Darcy Lewis: She recast Pietro?
Pietro Maximoff: [referring to Vision] Who’s the popsicle?
6. All-New Halloween Spooktacular!
Billy Maximoff: Halloween’s a magical holiday. All about family, friends, and the thrill of getting to be someone else for a day.
Tommy Maximoff: Wrong! Halloween’s about candy. And scaring people, but mostly candy.
Billy Maximoff: Where’s your costume, Tommy?
Tommy Maximoff: This is my costume. I’m the cool twin.
Billy Maximoff: What does that make me?
Tommy Maximoff: A dorksaurus rex.
Billy Maximoff: Not a real dinosaur.
Tommy Maximoff: [referring to Pietro] Man. He even snores cool.
Billy Maximoff: Woh, mom. Are you old Red Riding Hood?
Wanda Maximoff: I’m a Sokovian fortune teller.
Pietro Maximoff: Wow. That is so…
Tommy Maximoff: Rad.
Pietro Maximoff: Lame.
Billy Maximoff: Mom has been weird since Uncle Pietro got here. I think it’s because she hasn’t seen him in a long time. And he’s what you call, “a man child”.
Pietro Maximoff: Sweet costume bro-ham-in-law. Let me guess. Uh, traffic light. Half-shucked corn. A booger!
Pietro Maximoff: Yes!
Wanda Maximoff: Thank you for humoring me and wearing this ridiculous get-up, honey.
Vision: Well, there were no other clothes in my closet, so.
Vision: You never told me much about your brother. I had no idea he’d be so great with kids.
Wanda Maximoff: Yeah. He’s just full of surprises.
Vision: I’m undercover. Halloween is a bacchanal for adolescent trouble-makers, and the neighborhood watch is the only thing that stands between the trees, and the toilet paper.
Billy Maximoff: Mom and dad have been, not fighting, just like different.
Wanda Maximoff: [to Vision] It’s their first Halloween. You have to be there.
Pietro Maximoff: Woh, woh, woh. What’s the big dealio? Big guy has a conflict, twins need a father figure for the night. Don’t sweat it, sis. I got the old XY chromosome. Uncle P to the rescue, huh?
Vision: There you go. Problem solved.
Pietro Maximoff: It was Billy’s idea.
Tommy Maximoff: I’m Tommy.
Pietro Maximoff: And don’t you forget it!
Darcy Lewis: Hey, there he is. The guy who almost got murdered by his own murder squad.
Director Hayward: You work for me?
Darcy Lewis: I actually don’t know.
Monica Rambeau: She’s with me.
Director Hayward: I see. And which one of you is the sassy best friend?
Jimmy Woo: There is no time for you to diminish your colleagues when you’re about to start a war you can’t win.
Director Hayward: Maximoff was never going to negotiate with us. We take her out, this whole nightmare ends.
Monica Rambeau: We don’t know that. We actually have no idea what will happen in there, or out here, if Wanda dies.
Director Hayward: So, what? We just surrender to that? Not happening.
Monica Rambeau: We can’t outgun her. And clearly antagonizing her is only making things worse. If Wanda is the problem, she has to be our solution.
Director Hayward: Captain Rambeau, you have become an impediment to this mission. Constantly advocating on behalf of super-powered individuals. Yes, I know your history with Carol Danvers.
Director Hayward: You know, you people who left, still have the luxury of optimism. You have no idea what it was like. What it took to keep the lights on.
Monica Rambeau: Don’t use the last five years as an excuse to be a coward.
Director Hayward: Maybe it’s a good thing you weren’t here when your mother died. Because clearly you don’t have the stomach for this job. Get her off my base. Now. All of them.
Jimmy Woo: Hayward is way overstepping his provisional authority.
Monica Rambeau: He was looking for a reason to sideline us. He’s up to something.
Pietro Maximoff: You’re testing me.
Wanda Maximoff: No, I’m not.
Pietro Maximoff: Hey, it’s cool. I know I look different.
Wanda Maximoff: Why do you look different?
Pietro Maximoff: You tell me. I mean, if I found Shangri-La, I wouldn’t want to be reminded of the past either.
Shark: Yo-Magic! The snack for survivors!
Pietro Maximoff: This is so lame. I can’t believe you’re making them return all the candy.
Wanda Maximoff: I can’t believe what a bad influence you are.
Pietro Maximoff: Who beefed in your borscht? I’m just trying to do my part. Okay? Come to town unexpectedly. Create tension with the brother-in-law. Stir up trouble with the rugrats, and ultimately give you grief. I mean, that’s what you wanted, isn’t it?
Wanda Maximoff: What happened to your accent?
Pietro Maximoff: What happened to yours? Details are fuzzy, man. I got shot like a chump on the street for no reason at all, and the next thing I know, I heard you calling me. I knew you needed me.
Monica Rambeau: Who is that?
Jimmy Woo: Wanda’s brother came to town.
Darcy Lewis: He brought the wrong face.
Jimmy Woo: These people, near the edge of town. They’re barely moving. Are they alive?
Agnes: Town Square Scare. Where is it?
Vision: Oh, well, the Town Square. I expect.
Agnes: Took a wrong turn. Got lost.
Vision: In the town you grew up in?
Agnes: You’re one of the Avengers. You’re Vision. Are you here to help us?
Vision: I am Vision. I do want to help. But what’s an Avenger?
Agnes: What? Why don’t you know?
Agnes: Am I dead?
Vision: No. No. Why would you think that?
Agnes: Because you are.
Vision: Because I’m what?
Agnes: Dead. Dead. Dead! Dead!
Vision: Agnes, it is my intention to reach those outside of Westview and make sense of our situation.
Agnes: How? No one leaves. Wanda won’t even let us think about it.
[she starts laughing]
Agnes: All is lost.
Vision: I will fix this, Agnes. I promise.
Agnes: Okey-dokey, neighbor.
Darcy Lewis: You can’t go back into the Hex.
Monica Rambeau: Worst case scenario, Wanda removes my free will and puts me in ultra-low-rise jeans.
Darcy Lewis: Hayward has your blood work. You’ve gone through the boundary twice already, Monica. The energy inside has re-written your cells on a molecular level twice. It’s changing you.
Monica Rambeau: Seen enough lab results to last me a lifetime. Cells metastasizing. Cells in remission. I know what Wanda’s feeling, and I won’t stop until I help her.
Wanda Maximoff: Now, I know that you think that I have have gone full soccer mom. Yeah, but it really is nice, right?
Pietro Maximoff: Yeah. I think mom and dad would’ve loved it.
Pietro Maximoff: Where were you hiding these kids up till now?
Wanda Maximoff: What?
Pietro Maximoff: I assume they were sleeping peacefully in their beds. No need to traumatize beyond the occasional holiday episode cameo, am I right? You were always the empathetic twin.
Pietro Maximoff: You’ve handled the ethical considerations of this scenario as best you could. Families and couples stay together. Most personalities aren’t far off from what’s underneath. People got better jobs. Better haircuts, for sure.
Wanda Maximoff: You don’t think it’s wrong?
Pietro Maximoff: What, are you kidding? I’m impressed! Seriously. It’s a pretty big leap from giving people nightmares, and shooting red wiggly-woos out of your hands.
Pietro Maximoff: How did you even do all this? Hey, I’m not some stranger, and I’m not your husband. You can talk to me.
Wanda Maximoff: I don’t know how I did it. I only remember feeling completely alone. Empty. Just endless nothingness.
[she then turns and sees Pietro looking dead]
Director Hayward: [referring to Vision] He really does want out, doesn’t he?
Billy Maximoff: [as Vision is disintegrating] I hear dad in my head. He’s in trouble.
Billy Maximoff: I don’t understand. What’s happening to me?
Wanda Maximoff: Where is he? Where’s your dad?
Pietro Maximoff: Hey, don’t sweat it, sis. It’s not like your dead husband can die twice.
Wanda Maximoff: Billy, I need you to focus.
Billy Maximoff: I can’t tell. I see these soldiers. They think he’s dying.
Director Hayward: [as Wanda expands the hex wall] Come in. Anyone read me? Anyone hear my voice? Does anyone read me? Anyone read me? Over.
7. Breaking the Fourth Wall
Wanda Maximoff: Look, we’ve all been there, right? Letting our fear and anger get the best of us. Intentionally expanding the borders of the false world we created.
Billy Maximoff: Mom, my head feels weird. It’s like really noisy. I don’t like it.
Wanda Maximoff: As punishment for my reckless evening, I plan on taking a quarantine style staycation. A whole day, just to myself. That’ll show me.
[referring to the milk carton constantly changing]
Wanda Maximoff: Yeah, I’m not sure what that’s about. It’s probably just a case of the Mondays. Am I right?
[after Vision becomes conscious near a circus]
The Strongman: You’re the new clown? At least you’re already in makeup. You’re late for rehearsal with the escape artist.
Darcy Lewis: Yeah, I’m not great at this gig, I got to be honest. It doesn’t really speak to my skill set. I put in for the bearded lady, but this alabaster complexion wasn’t fooling anyone.
Darcy Lewis: Can I help you, creeper?
Vision: You don’t remember me from last night? We locked eyes. There was a unspoken understanding.
Darcy Lewis: Um, hard pass.
Billy Maximoff: [referring to Vision] Do you want to go look for him?
Wanda Maximoff: Well, if he doesn’t want to be here, there’s nothing I can do about it.
Billy Maximoff: Hey, mom, last night, Uncle P said that thing about re-killing dad?
Wanda Maximoff: Don’t believe anything that man said. He is not your uncle.
Tommy Maximoff: Who is he?
Wanda Maximoff: Here’s the thing, boys. I’m your mom. And as such, you were counting on me to have all the answers, right? Well, I don’t. I have no answers. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Niente. I’m starting to believe that everything is meaningless. I mean, you’re welcome to draw your own conclusions, of course, but that’s just where I’m at.
Wanda Maximoff: Okay, so maybe I went a little too dark there. But they’ll be fine. Vision is made of vibranium. They literally inherited tough skin.
Wanda Maximoff: Hi, Agnes. Come on in. I’d get up, but I just don’t want to.
Agnes: [referring to Wanda acting off] I think I got there in the nick of time, because she was one split end away from cutting her own bangs.
Wanda Maximoff: [as Agnes offers to babysit the kids] Is there anything I can do for you?
Agnes: You know what? I do have a suspicious mole on my back that I just can’t see. Ah. Boundaries. I get it. Say no more.
Jimmy Woo: Hayward wasn’t decommissioning Vision. He was trying to bring him back online. Nothing worked until…
Monica Rambeau: Wanda stole Vision’s body.
Jimmy Woo: That’s why he was so focused on tracking Vision inside the Hex.
Monica Rambeau: Hayward wants his sentient weapon back.
Jimmy Woo: Someone has to tell Wanda.
Vision: Hello? Excuse me. Uh, you tried to help me.
Darcy Lewis: Doubtful. I’m notoriously self-involved.
Vision: No, no, no. Please. Just hear me out. Alright. I believe that you were part of a team monitoring a supernatural anomaly. And now, well, you’re in it.
Darcy Lewis: Fine. I’ll go out with you, but I’m ordering the lobster.
Darcy Lewis: [after Vision releases Darcy from her spell] Oh, hello, self. You know, part of me secretly wanted a guest spot on the show. But seriously, that sucked.
Vision: Dr. Lewis, my questions. Are my children safe?
Darcy Lewis: That I don’t know.
Vision: And who is that imposter, Pietro?
Darcy Lewis: Beats me.
Wanda Maximoff: [as parts of her house keep changing] I don’t understand what’s happening. Why it’s all falling apart, and why I can’t fix it.
Interviewer: Do you think maybe this is what you deserve?
Wanda Maximoff: What? You’re not supposed to talk.
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Billy Maximoff: I like it here.
Agnes: Oh, good. Is it because Senor Scratchy is such a good listener?
Billy Maximoff: No. It’s because it’s quiet. You’re quiet, Agnes. On the inside.
Tommy Maximoff: Do you think our mom is okay?
Agnes: Oh, for sure! Oh, you don’t have to worry about your mom. Your mom can do anything. She’s supermom.
Agnes: Ralph says I sugarcoat things. But you try telling a ten year-old that his mother is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Jimmy Woo: [as Monica is getting ready to enter the hex] Darcy’s not here to give her stamp of approval.
Monica Rambeau: I know. She’s in there, and I’m going to go get her out. It’s our last shot, Jimmy.
Jimmy Woo: Godspeed, Captain.
[referring to the SWORD vehicle Monica is using to cross the barrier]
Marjor Goodner: The structural integrity is failing. It’s disintegrating.
Jimmy Woo: No, it’s being rewritten. Monica, get out of there!
Vision: So Wanda killed me?
Darcy Lewis: Yes. But it’s not that simple. You asked her to do it.
Vision: Why would I have done that?
Darcy Lewis: To save the universe. Well, half of it.
Vision: Did it work?
Darcy Lewis: It did. Until the bad guy rewound time, and killed you himself. There are a few extra steps, but to set up the context…
Vision: I came back and died again.
Darcy Lewis: And she had to watch.
Darcy Lewis: Oh, man, another red light? It’s kind of overkill out in the sticks here, don’t you think?
Vision: I believe, I think that Wanda is creating these impediments to stop me returning home. I’m not amused.
Vision: So if I understand correctly, my original code dates back to an AI called Jarvis? But my corporeal form was born of Ultron’s plan for global genocide?
Darcy Lewis: Correct-o.
Vision: What am I now?
Darcy Lewis: Honestly, I’m a STEM type of lady. So I thought she just flipped a switch on your head and brought you back to life. But what I don’t get is why you can’t leave the Hex. What I do know is I’ve been watching WandaVision for the past week. And the love you two have is real. You belong together.
[after Monica passes through the hex and gains some kind of powers]
Monica Rambeau: Listen to me. This whole thing is about Vision.
Wanda Maximoff: Get out of my house!
Monica Rambeau: Hayward was trying to bring him…
Wanda Maximoff: [uses her power on Monica] Don’t talk to me about that. I don’t want to hear about it. The drones, the missiles. Pietro?
Monica Rambeau: No, wait. Pietro. No, no, no. That wasn’t us.
Wanda Maximoff: All you do is lie!
Monica Rambeau: The only lies I’ve told are the ones you put in my mouth.
Wanda Maximoff: Careful what you say to me.
Monica Rambeau: Do it then. Take me out.
Monica Rambeau: See, see? That’s where you and Hayward differ. He’s going to burn Westview to the ground just to get what he wants. Don’t let him make you the villain.
Wanda Maximoff: Maybe I already am.
Monica Rambeau: I’m not afraid of you, Wanda. I lost the person closest to me too. The worst thing I can think of has already happened to me, and I can’t change it. I can’t undo it. I can’t control this pain anymore. And I don’t think I want to, because it’s my truth.
Monica Rambeau: Wanda, you have to take it down.
Wanda Maximoff: No. Don’t make me hurt you.
Vision: I had no idea how much Wanda had endured before coming to Westview, how much we both had, I guess. Though I can’t remember it. For me, it feels like it happened to someone else, you know? But for her, it’s mere weeks ago. What am I doing here, sitting, talking to you when I should… This is absurd. I need to get to my wife.
Agnes: [after Wanda discovers the lair in Agnes’s basement] You didn’t think you were the only magical girl in town, did you? The name’s Agatha Harkness. Lovely to finally meet you, dear.
[we then see the various ways she used her magic in the town]
Agatha Harkness: And I killed Sparky too.
[does an evil laugh]
Pietro Maximoff: [to Monica as she finds Agatha’s lair] Snooper’s going to snoop.
8. Previously On
Evanora Harkness: [Salem, 1693] Agatha Harkness, are you a witch?
Agatha Harkness: Yes. I am a witch.
Evanora Harkness: Yet you have betrayed your coven.
Agatha Harkness: I have not!
Evanora Harkness: You stole knowledge above your age and station. You practice the darkest of magic.
Agatha Harkness: I know nothing of these crimes. I swear it!
Evanora Harkness: Enough deception!
Agatha Harkness: I did not break your rules. They simply bent to my power.
[after she’s drained the life from the other witches]
Agatha Harkness: Please, I can be good.
Evanora Harkness: No, you cannot.
Agatha Harkness: [referring to Wanda] She does look shocked to meet the real us, doesn’t she? Oh. That’s adorable. My thoughts are not available to you, toots. They never, ever were. So don’t go giving yourself a migraine.
Wanda Maximoff: Where are my children?
Agatha Harkness: [mockingly] “Where are my children?” Ooh! That accent really comes and goes, doesn’t it?
Wanda Maximoff: Where are they?
Agatha Harkness: Oh, your magic’s no good here.
Agatha Harkness: These are runes, Wanda. In a given space, only the witch that cast the runes can use her magic. How do you not know the fundamentals?
Agatha Harkness: Who are you? All those costumes and hairstyles. I was so patient, waiting for you to reveal your true self. I got close with fake Pietro. Fietro, if you will. But no dice.
Wanda Maximoff: That was you.
Agatha Harkness: No, it wasn’t literally me. Just my eyes and ears. A crystalline possession. Necromancy was a non-starter since your real brother’s body is on another continent. Not to mention, full of holes. But you’re so crippled by your own self-doubt that you believed it.
Agatha Harkness: When I sensed this place, the afterglow of so many spells cast all at once. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
Agatha Harkness: Mind control. A classic. Quick incantation, and a feeble psyche, and you’re good to go.
Agatha Harkness: [to Wanda] With thousands of people under your thumb, all interacting with each other, according to complex storylines. Well, that’s something special, baby. And of course, there’s transmutation.
Agatha Harkness: Years of study to achieve even the smallest convincing illusion. But Westview through your lens, Wanda. Every little detail in place, down to the crown molding. You’re even running illusions miles away at the edge of town. Magic on autopilot! What’s your secret, sister?
Agatha Harkness: Hey, Wanda, I need you to tell me how you did this.
Wanda Maximoff: I didn’t do anything.
Agatha Harkness: I tried to be gentle, to nudge you awake from this ridiculous fantasy. But you would rather fall apart than face your truth. You left me no choice. What was it you said to your not-brother? Hm? All you could recall was the feeling. You felt empty. Alone. Endless nothingness. Let’s start there.
Agatha Harkness: It’s been fun playing pretend for a while, hasn’t it, Wanda? But it’s time to look at some real reruns.
Agatha Harkness: After you, superstar.
[as they enter Wanda’s past in Sokovia]
Agatha Harkness: Oh. Charming. Love the Cold War aesthetic. Why are we here?
Young Pietro: You said the only rule of TV night is we try to practice our English.
Iryna Maximoff: Yes. Yes, he is right. We were just making rid of last little bit of Sokovian.
Olek Maximoff: This is your pick, yes?
Young Wanda: Season 2, Episode 21.
Young Pietro: Dick Van Dyke again? Always sitcom, sitcom, sitcom.
Iryna Maximoff: Rob and Laura have for the most fun shenanigans.
Young Pietro: What is “shenanigan” again?
Young Wanda: Shenanigan is like problem, but more silly than scary, but can sometimes be a little scary.
Iryna Maximoff: Yeah, like mischief.
Olek Maximoff: But a silly mischief that always becomes fine.
[stuck next to a Stark Industries bomb with the TV still playing Dick Van Dyke]
Young Wanda: At the end of the episode, you realize it was all a bad dream. None of it was real.
Agatha Harkness: Did you stop that bomb?
Wanda Maximoff: What?
Agatha Harkness: You used a probability hex.
Wanda Maximoff: No. It just never went off. It was defective. We didn’t know that. We were trapped.
Agatha Harkness: For how long?
Wanda Maximoff: Two days.
Agatha Harkness: So much trauma. And yet you were safe as kittens the whole time. So what I see here is a baby witch, obsessed with sitcoms, and years of therapy ahead of her. Doesn’t explain your recent hijinks. Where did you get the big guns, Wanda?
Wanda Maximoff: I don’t want to go back there.
Agatha Harkness: I know you don’t, but it’s good medicine, angel. The only way forward is back.
Agatha Harkness: Ah, Wanda. The rebellious years. Quick question, your reaction to the bombing of your civilian apartment building, and the murder of your parents, was to join an anti-freedom terrorist organization.
Wanda Maximoff: We wanted to change the world.
Agatha Harkness: [to Wanda] Don’t be scared. You already lived it once.
Agatha Harkness: So little orphan Wanda got up close and personal with an Infinity Stone that amplified what, otherwise, would’ve died on the vine. The broken pieces of you are adding up, buttercup. I have a theory, but I need more.
Agatha Harkness: So where are we now?
Wanda Maximoff: The Avengers compound. It was the first home Vision and I ever shared. Pietro was dead, and I was in a new country. I was all alone.
Vision: [at the Avengers compound] I apologize. I don’t mean to intrude.
Wanda Maximoff: You don’t?
Vision: Well, I suppose, yes. I did intend to come in here.
Wanda Maximoff: And now?
Vision: And, well, whatever is your preference.
Vision: [as they’re watching a sitcom] Is it funny because of the grievous injury the man just suffered?
Wanda Maximoff: No, he’s not really injured.
Vision: How can you be certain?
Wanda Maximoff: It’s not that kind of show.
Vision: Wanda, I don’t presume to know what you’re feeling, but I would like to know. Should you wish to tell me. Should that be of some comfort to you.
Wanda Maximoff: What makes you think that talking about it would bring me comfort?
Vision: Oh, see, I read that the…
Wanda Maximoff: [referring to Pietro] The only thing that would bring me comfort is seeing him again.
Wanda Maximoff: I’m so tired. It’s just like this wave washing over me, again, and again. It knocks me down, and when I try to stand up, it just comes for me again. It’s just going to drown me.
Vision: No. No, it won’t.
Wanda Maximoff: How do you know?
Vision: Well, because it can’t all be sorrow, can it?
Vision: [to Wanda] I’ve always been alone, so I don’t feel the lack. It’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve never experienced loss, because I have never had a loved one to lose. But what is grief, if not love persevering.
Agatha Harkness: So, to recap. Parents dead. Brother dead. Vision dead. What happened when he wasn’t there to pull you back from the darkness, Wanda?
Wanda Maximoff: I can’t do this anymore.
Agatha Harkness: Come on, Wanda! You’re on the precipice. You are right there! Tell me how you did it.
Agatha Harkness: Vision was gone. But you wanted him back.
Wanda Maximoff: I wanted him back. I wanted him back.
Wanda Maximoff: [as she goes to SWORD for Vision] When I came back, he was gone. His body. And I know he’s here. He deserves a funeral, at least. I deserve it.
Director Hayward: I understand you’re here to see the Vision. To recover the body, that is, is that right?
Wanda Maximoff: Well, I’m his next of kin.
Director Hayward: I understand. I’d like to show you something.
Wanda Maximoff: And then you’ll give him to me?
Director Hayward: Please, just come with me.
Wanda Maximoff: What are you doing to him?
Director Hayward: We’re dismantling the most sophisticated, sentient weapon ever made.
Wanda Maximoff: But Vision’s not a weapon. You can’t do this.
Director Hayward: In fact, it is our legal and ethical obligation.
Wanda Maximoff: I just want to bury him. That’s all I want.
Director Hayward: Are you sure?
Wanda Maximoff: Excuse me?
Director Hayward: Not everyone has the kind of power that could bring their soulmate back online. Forgive me. Back to life.
Wanda Maximoff: No, I can’t do that. That’s not why I’m here.
Director Hayward: Okay. But I cannot allow you to take three billion dollars worth of vibranium just to put it in the ground. So the best I can do is, let you say goodbye to him here.
Wanda Maximoff: He’s all that I have.
Director Hayward: Well, that’s just it, Wanda. He isn’t yours.
Wanda Maximoff: [as she touches Vision’s dismantled body] I can’t feel you.
[after Wanda creates the house on the lot that Vision bought them in Westview, and manifests a version of Vision]
Vision: Wanda. Welcome home.
Agatha Harkness: [to Wanda] I know what you are.
Agatha Harkness: You have no idea how dangerous you are. You’re supposed to be a myth. A being capable of spontaneous creation. And here you are, using it to make breakfast for dinner.
Wanda Maximoff: Let go of my children.
Agatha Harkness: Oh, yes. Your children. And Vision, and this whole little life you’ve made. This is Chaos Magic, Wanda. And that makes you the Scarlet Witch.
Director Hayward: [mid-credit lines] We took this thing apart, and put it back together again a million times. Tried every type of power supply under the sun, when all we needed was a little energy directly from the source.
[Vision is brought back to life]
9. The Series Finale
Agatha Harkness: [to Wanda] I take power from the undeserving. It’s kind of my thing.
Agatha Harkness: [to Wanda] You’re clearly in over your little red head. So why don’t you surrender your magic to someone who knows what to do with it? And I’ll let you keep this pathetic little corner of the world all to yourself. What do you say?
Wanda Maximoff: [as she sees White Vision] Vision? Is it really you?
White Vision: Wanda.
[after he’s saved Wanda from being killed by White Vision]
Vision: Where are the boys?
Wanda Maximoff: They’re in the house. Safe. Vision, I should’ve told you everything. The moment I realized what I had done.
Vision: It’s alright, Wanda. I know why you made this world, but this…
Wanda Maximoff: I can fix it.
Vision: Can you?
Agatha Harkness: Oh, this is awkward. Your ex and your boyfriend together at the same party. Who are you going to choose, Wanda?
Wanda Maximoff: Vision, this is our home.
Vision: Then let’s fight for it.
Vision: Might we resolve this peacefully?
White Vision: Wanda Maximoff must be neutralized. You must be destroyed.
Vision: A no, then.
Jimmy Woo: You’ll never be able to cover this up.
Director Hayward: I won’t have to. Wanda cancelled her show, so there’s no footage proving there was ever more than one Vision.
Jimmy Woo: Oh, there’s SWORD HQ security tape, and evidence of tampering, no doubt.
Director Hayward: No one’s going to care once I’ve eliminated Wanda Maximoff. They’ll believe that the Vision who emerges from the Westview rubble is the same one she illegally tried to bring back to life. They’ll thank me for recovering such a valuable asset.
Director Hayward: You could be a part of that victory, Jimmy. If only you had a little more vision.
Jimmy Woo: That’s a good one, Hayward.
Jimmy Woo: Okay, I’m convinced. Trouble is, my friends at Quantico will probably have something to say about your plan when they arrive inside the hour.
Director Hayward: You’re bluffing.
Jimmy Woo: Am I?
Agatha Harkness: Wanda, you’ve never been up against another witch before. Did you know there’s an entire chapter devoted to you in the Darkhold? That’s the book of the damned. “The Scarlet Witch is not born, she is forged. She has no coven, no need for incantation.”
Wanda Maximoff: I’m not a witch. I don’t cast spells. No one taught me magic.
Agatha Harkness: Your power exceeds that of the Sorcerer Supreme. It’s your destiny to destroy the world.
Wanda Maximoff: I’m not what you say I am!
Agatha Harkness: Oh, really?
Dottie: My name is Sarah. I have a daughter. She’s eight. Maybe she could be friends with your boys. If you like that storyline. Or the school bully even. Really, anything. If you could just let her out of her room. If I could just hold her, please.
Wanda Maximoff: What are you doing to her? You’re making her say this.
Agatha Harkness: She’s your meat puppet. I just cut her strings.
Monica Rambeau: What is this stuff?
Pietro Maximoff: This is my man-cave. A place to chillax, you know, while the missus is stirring up trouble. You a fan of Steven Seagal?
Monica Rambeau: [looking at his photo] Agnes doesn’t live here. You do. Oh. You’re Ralph Bohner?
Pietro Maximoff: Boner.
Herb: [to Wanda] I don’t recognize my face in the mirror, my voice when I speak. I used to try to resist you, but now, I can’t remember why. Do you?
Wanda Maximoff: You’re all going to be fine.
Norm: When you let us sleep, we have your nightmares.
Wanda Maximoff: No, that’s not true. I’ve kept you safe in here. You feel at peace.
Dottie: We feel your pain.
Wanda Maximoff: No.
Mrs. Hart: If you won’t let us go, just let us die. Please.
Wanda Maximoff: I will. I will let you go. I will. I will.
Agatha Harkness: What’s stopping you? Use your power, and do it now. Heroes don’t torture people.
[Wanda then starts to open the barrier to let the people escape]
[as the open barrier starts to make Vision and the twins to disintegrate]
Agatha Harkness: Now, do you see? You tied your family to this twisted world, and now one can’t exist without the other. Save Westview, or save your family.
[Wanda closes the barrier again]
Vision: [as Hayward and his agents surround them] Listen, boys. Your mother and I never really prepared you for this.
Wanda Maximoff: But you were born for it.
Vision: [as White Vision is trying to kill him] Why are you doing this?
White Vision: My programming directive is to destroy the Vision.
Vision: But I’m not the true Vision. Only a conditional Vision.
White Vision: I request elaboration.
Agatha Harkness: Same story, different century. There’ll always be torches and pitchforks for ladies like us, Wanda.
Wanda Maximoff: Boys, handle the military. Mommy will be right back.
Darcy Lewis: [to Hayward] Have fun in prison.
Vision: You are familiar with the thought experiment the Ship of Theseus in the field of identity metaphysics?
White Vision: Naturally. The Ship of Theseus is an artifact in a museum. Over time, its planks of wood rot and are replaced with new planks. When no original plank remains, is it still the Ship of Theseus?
Vision: Secondly, if those removed planks are restored and reassembled, free of the rot, is that the Ship of Theseus?
White Vision: Neither is the true ship. Both are the true ship.
Vision: Well, then, we are agreed.
White Vision: But I do not have the Mind Stone.
Vision: And I do not have one single ounce of original material. Perhaps, the rot is the memories. The wear and tear are the voyages. The wood touched by Theseus himself.
White Vision: I have not retained memories.
Vision: But you do have the data. It is merely being kept from you.
White Vision: A weapon to be more easily controlled. But, certainly, you are the true Vision, for you believe yourself to be.
Vision: That was once the case. But upon meeting you, I have been disabused of that notion. As a carbon-based synthezoid, your memory storage is not so easily wiped. May I?
[Vision then restores White Vision’s memories]
White Vision: I am Vision.
[he then flies off]
Wanda Maximoff: [referring to the witches Agatha killed] You see, the difference between you and me, is that you did this on purpose.
Agatha Harkness: You can’t win, Wanda. Power isn’t your problem, it’s knowledge.
Agatha Harkness: Give me your power, and I will correct the flaws in your original spell. And you and your family, and the people of Westview, can all live together in peace. And no one will ever have to feel this pain again. Not even you.
Agatha Harkness: [as she’s taking Wanda’s power] Come on, Wanda! Escape your fate! Release your burden! There’s more. I want it all.
Agatha Harkness: [to Wanda] About our deal. Once cast, a spell can never be changed. This world you made will always be broken. Just like you.
Wanda Maximoff: [after Wanda’s stripped Agatha from her magic] “In a given space, only the witch who cast them can use her magic.” Thanks for the lesson. But I don’t need you to tell me who I am.
Agatha Harkness: [to Wanda] Oh, God. You don’t know what you’ve done.
Agatha Harkness: Good girl. So what now? You just going to lock me up somewhere?
Wanda Maximoff: No. Not somewhere. Here.
Agatha Harkness: Here?
Wanda Maximoff: I’ll give you the role you chose. The nosy neighbor.
Wanda Maximoff: I’m sorry.
Agatha Harkness: No, you’re not. You’re cruel. You have no idea what you’ve unleashed. You’re going to need me.
Wanda Maximoff: If I do, I know where to find you.
Agnes: [after Wanda’s turned Agath into Agnes] Hiya, hon. Say, that’s some kind of getup you’re wearing. Did I leave the oven on, or is that just you, hot stuff?
Wanda Maximoff: You live here now. No one will ever bother you.
Agnes: Okey dokey, artichokee.
Wanda Maximoff: I’ll be seeing you, Agnes.
Agnes: Not if I see you first, hon.
Vision: So it would appear that our dream home has been reduced to a fixer-upper. I know you’ll set everything right. Just not for us.
Wanda Maximoff: No. Not for us.
Vision: It’s time. Should we head home?
Wanda Maximoff: Yeah.
[as they walk home Wanda starts removing the barrier from Westview]
Vision: [to the twins] Your mother and I are very proud of you both.
Wanda Maximoff: Very proud. You know, a family is forever. We could never truly leave each other, even if we tried. You know that, right?
Wanda Maximoff: Boys. Thanks for choosing me to be your mom.
Vision: [as he turns on the lights Wanda just turned off] Oh, I read somewhere that it’s bad luck to say goodbye in the dark.
Wanda Maximoff: No, you didn’t.
Vision: No. No. Perhaps not. Perhaps I just wanted to see you clearly.
Wanda Maximoff: And?
Vision: And there you are.
[as they watch the barrier being removed outside their window]
Vision: Wanda, I know we can’t stay like this. But before I go, I feel I must know. What am I?
Wanda Maximoff: You, Vision, are the piece of the Mind Stone that lives in me. You are a body of wires, and blood, and bone that I created. You are my sadness, and my hope. But mostly, you’re my love.
Vision: I have been a voice with no body. A body, but not human. And now a memory made real. Who knows what I might be next? We have said goodbye before, so it stands to reason…
Wanda Maximoff: We’ll say hello again.
Vision: [as he disintegrates and disappears] So long, darling.
Monica Rambeau: [referring to the people in Westview] They’ll never know what you sacrificed for them.
Wanda Maximoff: It wouldn’t change how they see me. And you, you don’t hate me?
Monica Rambeau: Given the chance, and given your power, I’d bring my mom back. I know I would.
Wanda Maximoff: I’m sorry For all the pain I caused.
Monica Rambeau: I know.
Wanda Maximoff: I don’t understand this power. But I will.
Monica Rambeau: [mid-credits lines] Authority looks good on you, Jimmy.
Jimmy Woo: Where’s Darcy?
Monica Rambeau: Something about “debriefs are for the weak”. But we can thank her for that.
[they see Hayward being arrested]
Skrull Agent: I was sent by an old friend of your mother’s. He heard you’ve been grounded. He’d like to meet with you.
Monica Rambeau: Where?
[the Skrull agent points up]
[end credits lines, Wanda is in a cabin in the mountains learning about her powers from the Darkhold when she hears the twins]
Billy Maximoff: Mom, help! Mom, please!
Tommy Maximoff: Help! Mom, please!
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