Our list of the best quotes from Disney+’s MCU series, based on the characters Wanda Maximoff and Vision blended in the style of classic sitcoms. Set after the events of Avengers: Endgame (2019), we follow Wanda Maximoff (Elizabeth Olsen) and Vision (Paul Bettany), who are living the ideal suburban life in the town of Westview, trying to conceal their powers. As they begin to enter new decades and encounter television tropes, the couple suspects that things are not as they seem.'You are my sadness, and my hope. But mostly, you're my love.' - Wanda Maximoff (WandaVision) Click To Tweet
1. Filmed Before a Live Studio Audience
Vision: My wife and her flying saucers.
Wanda Maximoff: My husband and his indestructible head.
Vision: Aren’t we a fine pair?
Wanda Maximoff: What do you say to silver dollar pancakes, crispy hash browns, bacon, eggs, freshly squeezed orange juice, and black coffee?
Vision: I say, “Oh, I don’t eat food.”
Wanda Maximoff: Well, that explains the empty refrigerator.
Vision: Someone’s drawn a little heart right above today’s date.
Wanda Maximoff: Oh, yes, the heart. Well, don’t tell me you have forgotten, Vis.
Vision: Forgotten? Oh, Wanda, I’m incapable of forgetfulness. I remember everything. That’s not an exaggeration. In fact, I’m incapable of exaggeration.
Wanda Maximoff: Well, then tell me what’s so important about today’s date.
Vision: What was the question again? Oh, well, perhaps, you’ve forgotten yourself.
Wanda Maximoff: Me? Heavens, no. I’ve been so looking forward to it.
Vision: As have I. Today, we are celebrating.
Wanda Maximoff: You bet we are. It’s the first time we have ever celebrated this occasion before.
Vision: It’s a special day.
Wanda Maximoff: Perhaps an evening.
Vision: Of great significance.
Wanda Maximoff: To us both!
Agnes: Hello, dear. I’m Agnes, your neighbor to the right. My right, not yours.
Agnes: Forgive me for not stopping by sooner to welcome you to the block. My mother-in-law was in town, so I wasn’t.
Agnes: So what’s a single gal like you doing rattling around this big house?
Wanda Maximoff: Oh, no, I’m not single.
Agnes: Oh, I don’t see a ring.
Wanda Maximoff: Well, I assure you I’m married. To a man. A human one and tall.
Wanda Maximoff: It’s our anniversary!
Agnes: Oh, how marvelous! How many years?
Wanda Maximoff: Well, it feels like we’ve always been together.
Agnes: Lucky gal. The only way Ralph would remember our anniversary is if there was a beer named June 2nd.
Agnes: Say, I was just reading a crackerjack magazine article called “How To Treat Your Husband To Keep Your Husband”. And let me tell you, what Ralph could really use is, “How To Goose Your Wife So You Don’t Lose Your Wife”.
Norm: Hey, the music isn’t bothering you, is it, pal?
Vision: In terms of distraction from work, or the largely nonsensical nature of the lyrics?
Norm: The first one.
Vision: Ah, no. Thank you, Norm.
Vision: Then what is the purpose of this company?
Norm: All I know is, since you’ve gotten here, productivity has gone up three hundred percent.
Vision: Yes, but what is it we’re producing?
Norm: Computational forms. And no one can process the data quite like you do, pal. You’re like a walking computer.
Vision: What? I most certainly am not! I’m a regular carbon-based employee made entirely of organic matter. Much like yourself, Norm.
Mr. Hart: Wife and I are looking forward to this evening.
Vision: Mr. Hart. Of course! Dinner with Mr. Hart and his dear lady wife, Mrs. Hart.
Mr. Hart: That’s what I said. What’s wrong with you? Have you got a screw loose?
Vision: Oh, no, sir. Screws all tightened, sir.
Mr. Hart: Employee dinners are a rite of passage for the new hires. Jones over there failed miserably. Isn’t that right, Jones?
Phil Jones: The wife thought five courses would be sufficient.
Mr. Hart: And there was that paltry excuse for entertainment.
Phil Jones: A string quartet?
Mr. Hart: And then you had that embarrassing display of beatnik enthusiasm.
Phil Jones: I wore a turtleneck.
Mr. Hart: Yes. Best of luck out there in the unemployment line, Jones.
Mr. Hart: You know, I owe my success to being a keen judge of character. No skeletons in your closet, eh, Vision?
Vision: I don’t have a skeleton, sir.
Mr. Hart: Glad to hear it. Your future in this company depends on it.
Agnes: So we’ve got music covered, decor, wardrobe. Oh! What about seduction techniques?
Wanda Maximoff: Oh, I have those.
Agnes: Of course, you do.
Wanda Maximoff: Just out of curiosity, what does it say?
Agnes: That you should stumble when you walk into a room so he can catch you. It’s romantic.
Wanda Maximoff: Any other tricks?
Agnes: You could point out that the death rate of single men is twice that of married men.
Wanda Maximoff: Now, that’s romantic.
Vision: I must confess, I’m really rather nervous.
Wanda Maximoff: Nervous? Whatever for?
Vision: Well, you know, darling, I still get a little tongue-tied.
Wanda Maximoff: Vis, after all this time.
Vision: There’s an awful lot riding on this one, Wanda. If tonight doesn’t go just so, I think this could be the end.
Wanda Maximoff: Well, it’s just one night. There’s no need to get dramatic.
Vision: Look, I think the best course of action is to impress the wife.
Wanda Maximoff: And I think the best course of action is to impress the husband.
Vision: Well, wonderful. Glad to know we’re both on the same page.
Commercial Man: Is your husband tired of you burning his toast? Try our new and improved ToastMate 2000. It’s the go-to for clever housewives.
Commercial Woman: Say, this machine has some shine.
Commercial Man: You said it. Set the dial and get the taste back into your toast. Top and bottom heating elements can handle anything. From meatloaf, to cherry pie, to open-faced cheese sandwiches. The all new ToastMate 2000, by Stark Industries. Forget the past. This is your future.
Wanda Maximoff: [referring to Mr. and Mrs. Hart] Who are those people?
Vision: What are you wearing?
Wanda Maximoff: Why are they here?
Vision: What are you wearing?
Wanda Maximoff: Well, it’s our anniversary!
Vision: Our anniversary of what?
Wanda Maximoff: Well, if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you!
Vision: That man through there is my boss, Mr. Hart! And his dear lady wife, Mrs. Hart! The heart on the calendar was an abbreviation!
Wanda Maximoff: You move at the speed of sound, and I can make a pen float through the air. Who needs to abbreviate?
Mr. Hart: You’re awfully dense, aren’t you, Vision?
Wanda Maximoff: Oh, Agnes! You’re a life-saver!
Agnes: What kind of housewife would I be if I didn’t have a gourmet meal for four just lying about the place? Well, not that Ralph ever wants to eat anything but baked beans, which explains a lot about his personal appeal, mind you.
Wanda Maximoff: Oh, thank you, Agnes. I think I’ve got it covered from here.
Agnes: Oh, are you sure, dear? Many hands make light work. And many mouths make good gossip.
Wanda Maximoff: You’re so naughty!
Wanda Maximoff: Diane!
Vision: Yes? Oh, I think that must be my wife summoning me.
Mr. Hart: She calls you “Diane”?
Vision: Yes, it’s her pet name for me. I’m just coming, Fred.
Vision: How can I be of assistance?
Wanda Maximoff: Well, the chicken is no longer a chicken, and the lobsters just flew the coop, so the steak is the last man standing.
2. Don’t Touch That Dial
Wanda Maximoff: What do you see?
Vision: Only your lovely rose bushes.
Wanda Maximoff: That’s all? Are you using your night vision, Vision?
Vision: I assure you, my love, I see nothing amiss. You have absolutely no reason to be frightened…
Wanda Maximoff: [Vision yelps as they hear the loud thudding noise] You were saying?
Vision: Actually, I did overhear a couple of lads at work remarking on a few unsavory characters settling in the neighborhood. Now, who knows what those ne’er-do-wells might be up to? Robbing houses, vandalizing property.
Wanda Maximoff: Walking through walls, moving objects without touching them.
Vision: Wanda, darling, you can’t be suggesting my colleagues were referring to us.
Wanda Maximoff: Darling, the talent show fundraiser is the most important event of the season, and it’s our neighborly duty to participate. Plus, it’s our chance to appear as normal as possible while doing so.
Vision: [points to his face] Well, I don’t think that should be a problem.
Wanda Maximoff: This is our home now. I want us to fit in.
Vision: Oh, darling, we do. We shall. And we’re going to knock their socks off.
[holds up a glittery glamorous leotard]
Vision: Especially, with you wearing this.
Wanda Maximoff: Oh, that’s actually the rest of your costume.
Vision: Would you look at us? Wanda and Vision, Westview fitter-inners.
Agnes: So, are you ready to meet Queen Cul de Sac and her Merry Homemakers?
Wanda Maximoff: Agnes, Dottie can’t be as bad as you say.
Agnes: Well, you’ll notice her roses bloom under penalty of death.
Agnes: Wanda, can I give you a bit of friendly advice?
Wanda Maximoff: Is it about the way how I’m dressed?
Agnes: Yes, but it’s too late for that.
Dottie: The devil’s in the details, Bev.
Agnes: [quietly to Wanda] That’s not the only place he is.
3. Now in Color
Doctor Nielsen: Yep! Definitely pregnant.
Wanda Maximoff: Well, that much we figured.
Vision: It’s just kind of taken us by surprise. It’s just kind of suddenly. Quite suddenly, wasn’t it? I mean, practically overnight. I mean, how did this happen?
Doctor Nielsen: You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much…
Wanda Maximoff: Well, we’re just tickled pink, or blue.
Doctor Nielsen: You’re at about four months now. Is that right?
[Wanda nods, Vision shakes his head, they look at each other and Vision nods with Wanda]
Doctor Nielsen: I thought as much. We let the little ladies keep tabs on their growing babies with fruit. Makes it simple for them. At four months, the fetus is about as big as a pear. At five months, a papaya. Six, grapefruit. Seven, pineapple. Eight, honeydew.
Vision: Hypothetically speaking, what size fruit would it be at, say, twelve hours?
Doctor Nielsen: Uh, pardon? Twelve hours?
Wanda Maximoff: Well, I think this line of questioning is fruitless.
Vision: Well, hypothetically speaking, should we be concerned?
Doctor Nielsen: Hypothetically speaking, every new father-to-be gets nervous.
Vision: Well, I have nerves of steel, so there goes your theory, Mr. Doctor…
Wanda Maximoff: Vision, why don’t you see the doctor out?
Vision: I can’t wait to be a proud papaya.
Vision: [reading] “Nesting, the overwhelming urge during pregnancy to clean, organize, and prepare the home for the new baby.”
Wanda Maximoff: See? You’re an expert already. We’ve got nothing to worry about.
Vision: Well, nothing to worry about outside of morning sickness, mood swings, aching back, and feet. Darling, you should probably sit down.
Wanda Maximoff: Don’t be silly. All I feel is excitement, happiness.
Vision: [to Wanda] Well, if that was the first kick, that puts you at about six months! Boy, oh, boy. I thought I had super speed. I can’t keep up.
Wanda Maximoff: [debating their baby’s name between Tommy and Billy] Well, I guess there’s only one solution to this debate. Hope for a girl.
Vision: [referring to the baby name] Well, we ought to decide soon. I estimate the baby’s due, it’s not a constant progression, assumingly logarithmic, but were I to graph the fetal development thus far…
Wanda Maximoff: He’s going to be here before you figure it out.
4. We Interrupt This Program
Dr. Highland: [after we see Monica returning from The Blip] Maria died three years ago.
Monica Rambeau: Three? No. No. No, no…
Dr. Highland: Which was two years after you…
Monica Rambeau: After I what? After I what?
Dr. Highland: After you disappeared.
Director Hayward: Captain Monica Rambeau.
Monica Rambeau: Director Tyler Hayward.
Director Hayward: Acting Director. You haven’t aged a day.
Monica Rambeau: And you look old as hell.
Director Hayward: The world’s not the same as you left it. Space is now full of unexpected threats.
Monica Rambeau: Always was full of threats. And allies.
Director Hayward: Listen, Monica, I just want to acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation. I know SWORD’s your home. Your mom built this place from the ground up. You grew up here. You should have been here to help name the replacement.
Monica Rambeau: You were the obvious choice.
Director Hayward: I was the only choice.
Monica Rambeau: I wasn’t going to say it.
Director Hayward: There’s no easy way to say this, but you’re grounded.
Monica Rambeau: I’m sorry, what?
Director Hayward: Terrestrial missions only.
Monica Rambeau: You’re kidding. For how long? Whose protocol is this?
Director Hayward: Your mother’s. She implemented guidelines in the event vanished personnel ever returned.
Director Hayward: Look, I know it’s a raw deal, but there is one positive takeaway.
Monica Rambeau: What’s that?
Director Hayward: She believed you’d come back.
Jimmy Woo: I’ve got a witness set up down the road in Westview, and this morning, it looked like he flew the coop.
Monica Rambeau: Your missing person is in the Witness Protection Program?
Jimmy Woo: I have contacted known associates, relatives…
Monica Rambeau: And let me guess, none of them have seen him either?
Jimmy Woo: No. None of them have ever heard of him.
Jimmy Woo: Would you mind repeating your claim about Westview to my colleague here?
Sheriff: No such place.
Monica Rambeau: You’re saying the town of Westview, New Jersey, doesn’t exist?
Sheriff: It’s what I keep telling your G-Man here, but he won’t listen.
Monica Rambeau: I see. And, I’m sorry, what town are you from?
Jimmy Woo: [referring to Westview] I pulled phone numbers for all the residents. I’m only through the Ds, but so far I got Diddly Squat.
Monica Rambeau: So you can’t reach anyone inside, and everyone on the outside has some sort of selective amnesia?
Jimmy Woo: This isn’t a missing person’s case, Captain Rambeau, it’s a missing town. Population three thousand eight hundred and ninety-two.
Monica Rambeau: Why haven’t you gone inside to investigate?
Jimmy Woo: Because it doesn’t want me to. You can feel it too, can’t you? Nobody’s supposed to go in.
5. On a Very Special Episode…
Wanda Maximoff: If you go to sleep, I promise you will be my favorite twin.
Vision: Oh, come on now, darling. You know we love them both equally.
Wanda Maximoff: Well, don’t tell him that.
Wanda Maximoff: No luck with Billy?
Vision: Tried reading to him, but for some reason, Charles Darwin’s The Descent of Man made him cry even harder.
Vision: [as he quickly changes to his human form] Agnes, I was just fluffing this pillow. With my face.
Agnes: Oh, I was just on my way to Jazzercise when I heard your new little bundles of joy were on a sleep strike.
Vision: Oh? Who told you that?
Agnes: Uh, my ears.
Vision: [referring to their baby cribs] They’re empty.
Wanda Maximoff: Then where are the twins?
Tommy, Billy Maximoff: [we see the twins have aged] Mommy? Daddy?
Agnes: Kids. You can’t control them. No matter how hard you try.
Director Hayward: What’s the first thing you do remember?
Monica Rambeau: Pain. And then, Wanda’s voice in my head.
Director Hayward: Did you try to resist?
Monica Rambeau: There was this feeling keeping me down. This hopeless feeling. Like drowning. It was grief.
Director Hayward: Our initial theory had Wanda Maximoff as one of many victims. We now know she is the principal victimizer.
Jimmy Woo: I try not to speak ill of people.
Darcy Lewis: Then allow me. Hayward’s a…
Director Hayward: …terrorists.
Monica Rambeau: Wanda’s not a terrorist.
Director Hayward: By your own account, you described the experience of being under her mind control as, “Excruciating. Terrifying. A violation.”
6. All-New Halloween Spooktacular!
Billy Maximoff: Halloween’s a magical holiday. All about family, friends, and the thrill of getting to be someone else for a day.
Tommy Maximoff: Wrong! Halloween’s about candy. And scaring people, but mostly candy.
Billy Maximoff: Where’s your costume, Tommy?
Tommy Maximoff: This is my costume. I’m the cool twin.
Billy Maximoff: What does that make me?
Tommy Maximoff: A dorksaurus rex.
Billy Maximoff: Not a real dinosaur.
Tommy Maximoff: [referring to Pietro] Man. He even snores cool.
Billy Maximoff: Woh, mom. Are you old Red Riding Hood?
Wanda Maximoff: I’m a Sokovian fortune teller.
Pietro Maximoff: Wow. That is so…
Tommy Maximoff: Rad.
Pietro Maximoff: Lame.
Billy Maximoff: Mom has been weird since Uncle Pietro got here. I think it’s because she hasn’t seen him in a long time. And he’s what you call, “a man child”.
Pietro Maximoff: Sweet costume bro-ham-in-law. Let me guess. Uh, traffic light. Half-shucked corn. A booger!
Pietro Maximoff: Yes!
Wanda Maximoff: Thank you for humoring me and wearing this ridiculous get-up, honey.
Vision: Well, there were no other clothes in my closet, so.
Vision: You never told me much about your brother. I had no idea he’d be so great with kids.
Wanda Maximoff: Yeah. He’s just full of surprises.
7. Breaking the Fourth Wall
Wanda Maximoff: Look, we’ve all been there, right? Letting our fear and anger get the best of us. Intentionally expanding the borders of the false world we created.
Billy Maximoff: Mom, my head feels weird. It’s like really noisy. I don’t like it.
Wanda Maximoff: As punishment for my reckless evening, I plan on taking a quarantine style staycation. A whole day, just to myself. That’ll show me.
[referring to the milk carton constantly changing]
Wanda Maximoff: Yeah, I’m not sure what that’s about. It’s probably just a case of the Mondays. Am I right?
[after Vision becomes conscious near a circus]
The Strongman: You’re the new clown? At least you’re already in makeup. You’re late for rehearsal with the escape artist.
Darcy Lewis: Yeah, I’m not great at this gig, I got to be honest. It doesn’t really speak to my skill set. I put in for the bearded lady, but this alabaster complexion wasn’t fooling anyone.
Darcy Lewis: Can I help you, creeper?
Vision: You don’t remember me from last night? We locked eyes. There was a unspoken understanding.
Darcy Lewis: Um, hard pass.
Billy Maximoff: [referring to Vision] Do you want to go look for him?
Wanda Maximoff: Well, if he doesn’t want to be here, there’s nothing I can do about it.
Billy Maximoff: Hey, mom, last night, Uncle P said that thing about re-killing dad?
Wanda Maximoff: Don’t believe anything that man said. He is not your uncle.
Tommy Maximoff: Who is he?
Wanda Maximoff: Here’s the thing, boys. I’m your mom. And as such, you were counting on me to have all the answers, right? Well, I don’t. I have no answers. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Niente. I’m starting to believe that everything is meaningless. I mean, you’re welcome to draw your own conclusions, of course, but that’s just where I’m at.
8. Previously On
'What is grief, if not love persevering.' - Vision (WandaVision) Click To Tweet
Evanora Harkness: [Salem, 1693] Agatha Harkness, are you a witch?
Agatha Harkness: Yes. I am a witch.
Evanora Harkness: Yet you have betrayed your coven.
Agatha Harkness: I have not!
Evanora Harkness: You stole knowledge above your age and station. You practice the darkest of magic.
Agatha Harkness: I know nothing of these crimes. I swear it!
Evanora Harkness: Enough deception!
Agatha Harkness: I did not break your rules. They simply bent to my power.
[after she’s drained the life from the other witches]
Agatha Harkness: Please, I can be good.
Evanora Harkness: No, you cannot.
Agatha Harkness: [referring to Wanda] She does look shocked to meet the real us, doesn’t she? Oh. That’s adorable. My thoughts are not available to you, toots. They never, ever were. So don’t go giving yourself a migraine.
Wanda Maximoff: Where are my children?
Agatha Harkness: [mockingly] “Where are my children?” Ooh! That accent really comes and goes, doesn’t it?
Wanda Maximoff: Where are they?
Agatha Harkness: Oh, your magic’s no good here.
Agatha Harkness: These are runes, Wanda. In a given space, only the witch that cast the runes can use her magic. How do you not know the fundamentals?
Agatha Harkness: Who are you? All those costumes and hairstyles. I was so patient, waiting for you to reveal your true self. I got close with fake Pietro. Fietro, if you will. But no dice.
Wanda Maximoff: That was you.
Agatha Harkness: No, it wasn’t literally me. Just my eyes and ears. A crystalline possession. Necromancy was a non-starter since your real brother’s body is on another continent. Not to mention, full of holes. But you’re so crippled by your own self-doubt that you believed it.
9. The Series Finale
'We have said goodbye before, so it stands to reason... We'll say hello again.' - Vision and Wanda (WandaVision) Click To Tweet
Agatha Harkness: [to Wanda] I take power from the undeserving. It’s kind of my thing.
Agatha Harkness: [to Wanda] You’re clearly in over your little red head. So why don’t you surrender your magic to someone who knows what to do with it? And I’ll let you keep this pathetic little corner of the world all to yourself. What do you say?
Wanda Maximoff: [as she sees White Vision] Vision? Is it really you?
White Vision: Wanda.
[after he’s saved Wanda from being killed by White Vision]
Vision: Where are the boys?
Wanda Maximoff: They’re in the house. Safe. Vision, I should’ve told you everything. The moment I realized what I had done.
Vision: It’s alright, Wanda. I know why you made this world, but this…
Wanda Maximoff: I can fix it.
Vision: Can you?
Agatha Harkness: Oh, this is awkward. Your ex and your boyfriend together at the same party. Who are you going to choose, Wanda?
Wanda Maximoff: Vision, this is our home.
Vision: Then let’s fight for it.
Vision: Might we resolve this peacefully?
White Vision: Wanda Maximoff must be neutralized. You must be destroyed.
Vision: A no, then.
Jimmy Woo: You’ll never be able to cover this up.
Director Hayward: I won’t have to. Wanda cancelled her show, so there’s no footage proving there was ever more than one Vision.
Jimmy Woo: Oh, there’s SWORD HQ security tape, and evidence of tampering, no doubt.
Director Hayward: No one’s going to care once I’ve eliminated Wanda Maximoff. They’ll believe that the Vision who emerges from the Westview rubble is the same one she illegally tried to bring back to life. They’ll thank me for recovering such a valuable asset.
Director Hayward: You could be a part of that victory, Jimmy. If only you had a little more vision.
Jimmy Woo: That’s a good one, Hayward.
Jimmy Woo: Okay, I’m convinced. Trouble is, my friends at Quantico will probably have something to say about your plan when they arrive inside the hour.
Director Hayward: You’re bluffing.
Jimmy Woo: Am I?
Agatha Harkness: Wanda, you’ve never been up against another witch before. Did you know there’s an entire chapter devoted to you in the Darkhold? That’s the book of the damned. “The Scarlet Witch is not born, she is forged. She has no coven, no need for incantation.”
Wanda Maximoff: I’m not a witch. I don’t cast spells. No one taught me magic.
Agatha Harkness: Your power exceeds that of the Sorcerer Supreme. It’s your destiny to destroy the world.
Wanda Maximoff: I’m not what you say I am!
Agatha Harkness: Oh, really?
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