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Starring: Kristen Stewart, Naomi Scott, Ella Balinska, Elizabeth Banks, Djimon Hounsou, Noah Centineo, Sam Claflin, Patrick Stewart, Luis Gerardo Méndez
OUR RATING: ★★½
Action comedy reboot directed and written by Elizabeth Banks. The story follows Charlie’s Angels, who work for the mysterious Charles Townsend, whose security and investigative agency has expanded internationally. With the world’s smartest, bravest, and most highly trained women all over the globe, there are now teams of Angels guided by multiple Bosleys taking on the toughest jobs everywhere. When a systems engineer, Elena Houghlin (Naomi Scott), blows the whistle on a dangerous technology, Charlie’s Angels, Sabina Wilson (Kristen Stewart) and Jane Kano (Ella Balinska), are called into action, putting their lives on the line to protect us all.
Sabina Wilson: [Sabina is flirting with her mark, Jonny Smith] I think women can do anything.
Jonny Smith: Well, I mean, just because they can, doesn’t mean they should, right? Think about women fixing cars, driving a taxi, installing some drywall.
Sabina Wilson: Why not?
Jonny Smith: No. Look, trust me. A girl like you, you don’t really want this.
Sabina Wilson: A girl like me?
Jonny Smith: Mm-hmm.
Sabina Wilson: I mean, I want all my options available, so I can decide for myself.
Jonny Smith: Ah, Miss Independent.
Sabina Wilson: [laughs softly] That’s right. That’s me.
Sabina Wilson: But don’t you think it’s sort of what you do with those gifts that really matters? Every one of us. Men, women. We all just want to fulfill our potential, live our heart’s desires. That’s the kind of world I want to live in.
Jonny Smith: Ah. Well, my world is me making millions with you by my side.
Sabina Wilson: It’s just that I’m so good at so many things.
Jonny Smith: Oh, yeah?
Sabina Wilson: Yeah.
Jonny Smith: Like what?
Sabina Wilson: Well, at my job, it’s actually considered a huge advantage to be a woman. Yeah, if you’re beautiful, nothing else is really expected of you. And if you’re not, you’re pretty much rendered invisible. And in my line of work, invisibility, low expectations, they come in very handy.
Sabina Wilson: [as she’s slowly showing Johnny her skills] Did you know…
Jonny Smith: [as Sabina suddenly wraps the curtain around his neck using her legs] What?
Sabina Wilson: That it takes men an additional seven seconds to perceive a woman as a threat compared to a man. Isn’t that wild?
Jonny Smith: Who are you?
Sabina Wilson: Who, me? I’m just the decoy, stud.
[before his guards get her, fellow Angel Jane along with other Angels, joins her]
Sabina Wilson: [to Johnny] Oh, baby, baby, you swiped right! I’m your girlfriend now!
[she head butts him]
Sabina Wilson: Bosley!
John Bosley: Evening, Angels. Well, all this looks very promising. Outstanding. But what about Australian Jonny?
Sabina Wilson: [she takes the bag off of Johnny’s head] Ta-da!
Jonny Smith: Oh, you’re going to regret this.
Sabina Wilson: Yeah.
Jonny Smith: I was going to give you the world.
Sabina Wilson: The thing is, is you just talk way too much. You’re super clingy, and come on way too strong.
Jonny Smith: And you are the most incredible woman that I’ve ever met.
Sabina Wilson: I know.
Jonny Smith: [referring to Sabina, Jane, and the other Angels] So who were they?
John Bosley: You were in the presence of Angels. But the question is, Jonny, who are you?
Ingrid: [after Elena comes out of her meeting with her boss, she stops her] You dropped something.
Elena Houghlin: Oh, no. That’s not mine.
Ingrid: Well, I don’t litter, so it must be yours. You might need it.
[she picks up the card, with the Angel’s logo on it, and gives it to Elena]
John Bosley: [as the Bosleys are celerbating John’s retirement] Well, frankly, I am overwhelmed. I’m grateful for all the work that we have done together. And, you know, Charlie wasn’t sure that we could replicate the success that he had here in California. But we made it work in a world that was really not ready for the Angels. For forty years, I recruited them, I trained them, and I’m so very proud of them. Bosleys, you keep them safe.
Edgar Bosley: Listen, I’ve set a meeting with a new client. A corporate whistle-blower. Putting a team together.
Jane Kano: A team?
Edgar Bosley: Yes.
Sabina Wilson: Oh, hey. You’re the former MI6 ninja. Is it June?
Jane Kano: Oh, Jane.
Sabina Wilson: Oh, Jane. Jane. Not the month.
Jane Kano: Sabrina?
Sabina Wilson: Sabina. It’s Italian.
Jane Kano: Oh, are you Italian?
Sabina Wilson: No. Maybe.
Edgar Bosley: We have a situation in Hamburg, a new client.
Sabina Wilson: Hamburg. Interestingly, not where hamburgers were invented. That was in Frankfurt, where frankfurters were not invented, which…
Jane Kano: I really don’t think that this is…
Edgar Bosley: I’m sorry. I’m vegetarian. Thank you very much. But I recall hearing you two worked well together in Rio.
Sabina Wilson: I recall her pushing me off a roof.
Jane Kano: I recall it was time to go.
Sabina Wilson: That makes sense. Who’s the client?
Edgar Bosley: Follow me.
Edgar Bosley: [meets Edgar in a cafe in Hamburg] Well, it takes a lot to come forward, and I appreciate your courage. You sure you want to take this risk?
Elena Houghlin: Yeah.
Edgar Bosley: Okay, we can help you.
Elena Houghlin: I can’t sleep at night, knowing and not being allowed to do, or say anything about it. I can fix it, but I just need the opportunity.
Edgar Bosley: I believe you. Were you able to get the evidence?
Elena Houghlin: [she shows him the USB stick that she’d hidden] All my reports, all my data.
Edgar Bosley: [sensing the danger in the cafe] Elena, you need to go to the ladies room.
Elena Houghlin: No, I’m fine. Thank you.
Edgar Bosley: Quickly.
Sabina Wilson: [over earpiece] Hey, what’s happening? Jane?
Edgar Bosley: Now!
Sabina Wilson: Hello? Oh, s**t!
[an assassin, Hodak, throws his typewriter at Jane]
Elena Houghlin: What’s going on? Oh, God. You’re not a waitress?
Jane Kano: No. I’m Jane. Nice to meet you.
Jane Kano: [as Hodak continues to chase them] Who is this chick?
Elena Houghlin: Who am I?! Who are you?! Who is he? And why is he shooting at us?
Jane Kano: Keep it steady.
Elena Houghlin: Oh, my God. I’m going to die.
Bosley: [after Hodak kills Edgar and gets away] Charlie sends love, Angels.
Elena Houghlin: Who is she? Who is she?
Sabina Wilson: Hey, she’s in shock. And she smells like puke.
Elena Houghlin: Who are you?
Bosley: I’m Bosley.
Elena Houghlin: Bosley?
Bosley: Bosley is a rank in our organization. It’s like a lieutenant. The real name of the man you met was Edgar Dessange.
Jane Kano: Edgar.
Bosley: Jane, I’m really sorry. I know how much he meant to you.
Jane Kano: [as Bosley goes to hug her] Oh, I don’t need a hug.
Bosley: [she hugs Jane] Well, I do. He was my friend too. Hugs work.
Jane Kano: [after they go to a safehouse] Okay, you didn’t see this guy. He was a pro, and he brought quite a lot of firepower for such an easy target.
Sabina Wilson: Yeah, he was so extra, right? I mean, I could take that girl out with like a flyswatter, and he rocks up in this urban assault vehicle.
Bosley: So we’re thinking what? He was…
Jane Kano: Maybe she was being watched, but what if we are? And by who?
Elena Houghlin: I’m kind of getting this, you know, you guys are like lady spies. And I just need you to explain who this guy is, and why was he shooting at you?
Jane Kano: Oh, you. He was shooting at you.
Elena Houghlin: At me? Oh, God.
Bosley: The shooter’s a ghost. Facial recognition’s popped him in a few places over the years, but no name, no record, nothing.
Sabina Wilson: Well, he’s got friends in high places then, huh?
Jane Kano: I’m going to kill him.
Bosley: I’m obliged to remind you, Charlie frowns on revenge, Jane.
Bosley: So, Miss Houghlin, your file says you are a systems engineer on the Calisto project.
Elena Houghlin: You know about Calisto?
Bosley: We know about a lot of things. That you graduated top of your class at MIT, that you take Krav Maga on Sundays. You ride your bike to work. You think yellow is one of your colors when, in fact, it’s no one’s. That you could be dating a lote more if you played up those cheekbones in your online profile pictures. What we don’t know is why someone wants you dead.
Edgar Bosley: [plays the recording of Elena’s meeting with Edgar earlier] Let’s take this one step at a time.
Elena Houghlin: There’s a flaw in the system.
Bosley: What’s the flaw?
Elena Houghlin: Calisto can be weaponized. I mean, I can fix it. But right now, any decent hacker, curious or criminal enough, could turn Calisto into an EMP on the human body.
Jane Kano: An electromagnetic pulse.
Sabina Wilson: Yeah, like a brain seizure essentially.
Elena Houghlin: Yes.
Sabina Wilson: See? I know stuff.
Bosley: Who knows about this?
Elena Houghlin: Well, I filed a report after it almost killed my colleague during a security test. But I think it was buried. My report, not my colleague. No. Julio is fine. He just can’t speak, or see color anymore.
Elena Houghlin: [as they infiltrate Brok Industries all wearing the same hairstyle and outfit] Oh, God. What did you do to Pradeep?
Sabina Wilson: Nothing. Pradeep’s fine. I nabbed his ID card from the gym this morning.
Elena Houghlin: And Sven?
Jane Kano: I compressed his carotid and deoxygenated his brain stem.
Elena Houghlin: What? Well, that sounds painful.
Jane Kano: Yeah, it’s like taking a nap. You smell burnt toast, then everything goes dark.
Sabina Wilson: Hey, don’t worry, he’s going to wake up.
Jane Kano: Unless he doesn’t.
Jane Kano: [as they’re trying to distract the surveillance cameras in Brok Industries] Sabina? This one’s real hard. I need you to exhibit some attention-seeking behavior.
Sabina Wilson: I have so many ideas.
[we see Sabina on camera as she imitates a monkey]
Jane Kano: [enters one of the Brok Industries labs] Sit down. Hands where I can see them.
Langston: [trying to open a sauce sachet] Are you with Health and Safety? God, these things are impossible to open. You’re really not supposed to be touching things in here, unless you’re supposed to be touching things in here. You know?