Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Morena Baccarin, Ed Skrein, T. J. Miller, Gina Carano, Brianna Hildebrand, Andre Tricoteux, Leslie Uggams
OUR RATING: ★★★★☆
Based on the Marvel Comics character of the same name which tells the origin story of former Special Forces operative turned mercenary Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds), who after being subjected to a rogue experiment that leaves him with accelerated healing powers, adopts the alter ego Deadpool.
Using his powers, Wilson seeks revenge on the man who experimented on him and nearly destroyed his life.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 43)
Deadpool: Dopinder, I’m starting to think there’s a reason I’m in this cab today.
Dopinder: Yeah, sir, you called for it, remember?
Deadpool: No, my slender brown friend. Love is a beautiful thing. When you find it, the whole world tastes like Daffodil Daydream. So you gotta hold onto love…tight!
Deadpool: And never let go. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Got it?
Deadpool: Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga.
Dopinder: Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like?
Deadpool: Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss.
Dopinder: Okay, enough.
Deadpool: I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it’s bad!
Dopinder: Hmm, it’s bad.
Dopinder: Uh, why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
Deadpool: Oh, that’s because it’s Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I’m after someone on my naughty list. I’ve been waiting one year, three weeks, six days and, oh, fourteen minutes to make him fix what he did to me.
Dopinder: And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?
Deadpool: This shit… Boo!
Deadpool: Oh, shit! I forgot my ammo bag.
Dopinder: Shall we turn back?
Deadpool: No, no time. Fuck it. I got this. Nine, Ten, eleven, twelve bullets, or bust. Right here!
[Dopinder suddenly stops the cab]
Dopinder: That’s, uh, twenty-seven fifty.
Deadpool: I…I never carry a wallet when I’m working. Ruins the lines of my suit.
Deadpool: But, uh, how about a crisp high five?
Deadpool: Merry Christmas.
Dopinder: And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, Pool!
[to the audience]
Deadpool: Oh, hello. I know, right? Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I can’t tell you, but it does rhyme with “Polverine.”
[in an Australian answer]
Deadpool: And let me tell you, he’s got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under.
[back to his own accent]
Deadpool: Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix and, oh… Bad guys to kill.
[strangling a henchman]
Deadpool: I never say this, but don’t swallow.
[as the car is swirling an is about to crash]
Deadpool: Shit, did I leave the stove on?
[after seeing the news about Deadpool Colossus decides to go after him]
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Colossus, wait up.
Colossus: I’ve given Deadpool every chance to join us but he’d rather act like a child.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: A heavily-armed child.
Colossus: When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Which benefits? The matching unitards? The house that blows up every few years? Please.
Colossus: House blowing up builds character. You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is most important meal of day. Here, protein bar. Good for bones. Deadpool may try to break yours.
[as thugs surround the SUV that Deadpool attacked, a window winds down and the thugs get ready to shoot, suddenly Deadpool raises his hands through the window]
Deadpool: Wait! You may be wondering why the red suit. Well, that’s so bad guys don’t see me bleed.
[points to one of the thugs]
Deadpool: This guy’s got the right idea. He wore the brown pants.
[to the audience]
Deadpool: You’re probably thinking, “My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kebab!” Well, I may be super, but I’m no hero. And yeah, technically, this is a murder, but some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that’s exactly what this is, a love story. And to tell it right I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex.
Wade Wilson: [to Vanessa] What’s a nice place like you doing in a girl like this?
[Wade and Vanessa are in sitting in their bed]
Wade Wilson: Listen, I’ve been thinking.
Vanessa Carlysle: Really?
Wade Wilson: About why we’re so good together.
Vanessa Carlysle: Why is that?
Wade Wilson: Well, your crazy matches my crazy, big time.
Vanessa Carlysle: Mm.
Wade Wilson: And, uh, we’re like two jigsaw pieces, you know, and we have curvy edges.
Vanessa Carlysle: But you fit them together and you see the picture on top.
Wade Wilson: Right.
Vanessa Carlysle: Wade, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you. Only because you haven’t gotten around to asking me. Will you, um, stick it in my…
[at the same time Wade holds up a giant ring and says]
Wade Wilson: Marry me?
Vanessa Carlysle: Uh, jinx?
Wade Wilson: Huh.
Vanessa Carlysle: Where were you hiding that?
Wade Wilson: Nowhere.
[she looks behind Wade and we see Wade’s naked butt as he isn’t wearing any pants]
Wade Wilson: [voice over] Rock, meet bottom. And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked, you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision. The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburgh.
Wade Wilson: [voice over] Life is an endless series of train-wrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break.
[we see Wade flushing the toilet]
Wade Wilson: [voice over] Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled program.
[as Wade turns to leave the bathroom he feels lightheaded]
Wade Wilson: [voice over] What the…
[suddenly Wade passes out]
Deadpool: Looking good, Francis. Well rested, like you’ve been pitching, not catching. Ringing any bells? No?
[takes off his mask]
Deadpool: How about now?
[Ajax chuckles slowly]
Ajax: Wade fucking Wilson. Well, hello, gorgeous.
Deadpool: Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Shar-Pei. Yeah. And whose fault is that, huh, Francis? Yeah, time to undo what you did to this butterface.
Ajax: Please, you should thank me. Apparently, I made you immortal. I’m actually quite jealous.
Deadpool: Yeah, but this ain’t a life worth living, is it? Now, I’m about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.
Wade Wilson: [voice over] I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways in the most colossal way. Well, maybe not the most.
Wade Wilson: Uh…This is my most prized possession.
Vanessa Carlysle: Wham?
Wade Wilson: No, no, no. Wham! “Make It Big” is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point.
Vanessa Carlysle: So, am I supposed to just smile and wave you out the door?
Wade Wilson: Think of it like spring cleaning.
Vanessa Carlysle: Only if spring was death.
Wade Wilson: God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.
Vanessa Carlysle: Sounds like you do. Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you’re not going anywhere. Drink.
Wade Wilson: You’re right. Cancer is only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All things I can live without.
Vanessa Carlysle: Ha. You belong here at home. Surrounded by your Voltronand your Bernadette, and you and me.
Wade Wilson: Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit-show. Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-opening-for-the-Spin-Doctors-at-the-Iowa-State-Fair shit-show. And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me, not the ghost of Christmas me.
Vanessa Carlysle: Well, I wanna remember us. I swear to God, I will find you in the next life and I’m gonna boom-box Careless Whisper outside your window.
Wade Wilson: Wham! No one is boom-boxing shit.
Vanessa Carlysle: Okay? We can fight this. Besides, I just realized something. You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine.
Vanessa Carlysle: I love you.
Wade Wilson: I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn’t having it.
Vanessa Carlysle: Hey, uh, they’ve made three of those movies.
Wade Wilson: At some point you have to wonder if he’s just a bad parent.
Wade Wilson: [to Vanessa] If I never see you again, know that I love you.
The Recruiter: What if I told you we can make you better? You’re a fighter. We can give you abilities most men only dream of. Make you a superhero.
Wade Wilson: You just promise me you’ll do right by me, so I can do right by someone else.
[as he’s been wheeled in to the operating room]
Wade Wilson: And please don’t make the suit green. Or animated!
The Recruiter: Mr. Wilson, you’ve recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. What if I told you we can cure you and give you abilities most men only dream of?
Wade Wilson: Well, I’d say you sound like an infomercial, but not a good one like Slapchop, more Shake Weighty.
Ajax: One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor.
Wade Wilson: Oh, we’ll see about that, Posh Spice.
[Ajax turns and stars walking away leaving Wade with Angel Dust]
Wade Wilson: Oh, come on. You’re gonna leave me all alone here with less angry Rosie O’Donnell?
Ajax: [to Wade] When I’m finished your mutated cells will heal anything. But you’re still thinking we’re making you a superhero. We’re making you a superslave.
Wade Wilson: [to Ajax] Oh, come on. You’re gonna leave me all alone here with Jose Canseco?
Wade Wilson: Whatever they did to me made me totally indestructible, and completely…unfuckable.
[when Wade takes off his hoody to reveal his scarred red face]
Weasel: No! You look like the inside of other people’s assholes.
Wade Wilson: No way. I’m not making her life as ugly as mine.
Weasel: Come on, Wade, it can’t be that bad.
Wade Wilson: Ah, bullshit! I’m a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus.
Wade Wilson: Wade, Vanessa loves you. She doesn’t care what you…
[Wade reveals his face to Weasel]
Weasel: Oh! Oh.
Wade Wilson: Do you like what you see?
Weasel: No. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.
Wade Wilson: Yeah.
Weasel: Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence.
Wade Wilson: And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. And he’s gone. Poof!
Weasel: Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this because as of now, you only have one course of action.
Wade Wilson: Damn straight. Find Francis.
Weasel: Star in horror films.
Wade Wilson: What?
Weasel: Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.
Wade Wilson: Here’s what I’m actually gonna do. I’m gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis force him to fix this, then put a bullet in his skull and fuck the brain hole. I don’t wanna see that or think of it again.
Weasel: But the douchebag does thinks you’re dead, right?
Wade Wilson: Yeah.
Weasel: That’s good. You should keep it that way.
Wade Wilson: What, like, wear a mask?
Weasel: Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. I am sorry…you are haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
Wade Wilson: Like a testicle with teeth.
Weasel: You will die alone. I mean, if you could die. Ideally, for others’ sake.
Wade Wilson: That’ll do.
Weasel: All you need now is a suit and a nickname like Wade the Wisecracker or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie. Oh, shit.
Wade Wilson: What?
Weasel: I put all my money on you and now I just realized I’m never gonna win the, uh…Dead pool.
Wade Wilson: Captain Deadpool. No, just…just Deadpool, yeah. Just Deadpool.
Weasel: To you, Mr. Pool. Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise.
Deadpool: Some kinds of anger can’t be managed like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered. That said, when it comes time to licking wounds, there’s no place like home. And I share that home with someone you’ve met, the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al.
Blind Al: God, I miss cocaine.
Deadpool: A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break, that’s like sixteen walls!
[referring to Al]
Deadpool: [voice over] She’s like Robin to my Batman, except she’s old, and black, and blind, and I think she’s in love with me. Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too.
[Al wakes up]
Deadpool: Morning, sleepyhead.
Deadpool: It smells like old lady pants in here.
Blind Al: Yes, I’m old. I wear pants.
Deadpool: But you’re no lady.
Blind Al: Upside of being blind: I’ve never seen you in Crocs.
Deadpool: You mean my big, rubber masturbating shoes?
Blind Al: Yes, I know. Downside of being blind: I hear everything in this duplex.
Blind Al: Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?
Deadpool: About the size of a KFC spork.
Blind Al: I get why you’re so pissy, but your mood’s never gonna brighten till you find this woman and tell her how you feel.
Deadpool: What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn’t have me. If you could see me, you’d understand.
Blind Al: Looks aren’t everything.
Deadpool: Looks are everything. You ever heard David Beckham speak? It’s like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method?
Blind Al: Love is blind, Wade.
Deadpool: No. You’re blind.
Blind Al: So, you’re just gonna lie there and whimper?
Deadpool: No, I’m gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty and then I’m gonna come up with a whole new Christmas Day plan. In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. I bet it feels huge in this hand.
Wade Wilson: I didn’t ask to be super, and I’m no hero. But when you find out your worst enemy is after your best girl, the time has come to be a fucking superhero.
Colossus: We can’t allow this, Deadpool.
Deadpool: I don’t have time for your X-Men bullshit, Colossus! Besides, nobody’s getting hurt!
[just then a man falls off a bridge and crashes on top of car]
Deadpool: That guy was up there before we got here.
Vanessa Carlysle: [to Ajax] I’ve played a lot of roles, damsel in distress ain’t one of them.
Deadpool: Time to make the chimi-fucking-changas!
[holding up a hand drawn picture of himself]
Deadpool: Have you seen this man?
Deadpool: Daddy needs to express some rage.
[starts shooting his gun]
Deadpool: She’s gonna do a superhero landing. Wait for it!
[Angel Dust jumps down from the rooftop and lands with ease, Deadpool claps and mocks her]
Deadpool: Wooh! Superhero landing.
Deadpool: You know, that’s really hard on your knees. Totally impractical, they all do it.
[Angel Dust starts walking towards them]
Deadpool: You’re a lovely lady but I’m saving myself for Francis. That’s why I brought him.
[points to Colossus]
Colossus: I prefer not to hit a woman. So please, play…
[suddenly Angel Dust punches him and knocks him out]
Deadpool: I mean, that’s why I brought her?
[points at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who’s busy on her cellphone]
Deadpool: Oh, no. Finish your Tweet. It’s not… That’s fine…
Deadpool: [to Angel Dust] Just give us a second here.
Deadpool: [to Warhead] There you go, hashtag it.
[Warhead tosses her phone aside]
Deadpool: Go get her, Tiger!
[Warhead charges at Angel Dust and knocks her out]
Deadpool: Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.
Deadpool: It reeks like old lady pants in here.
Blind Al: It sounds like you have a dick in your mouth.
[he shoots some thugs with his guns then takes a long whiff of his gun barrels]
Deadpool: Oh. I’m touching myself tonight.
Total Quotes: 43