Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga Best Quotes

[after the sing-along at Alexander’s party]
Mita Xenakis: Oh, my God. Your sister. Huh!
Lars Erickssong: Oh. Yeah.
Mita Xenakis: She can really sing.
Lars Erickssong: I don’t think she’s my sister, but she can sing. No question. Yeah. She doesn’t always sing like that.

Mita Xenakis: Oh, work. Oh, come on, work. Is that all that you can think of? Can you think of nothing else?
Lars Erickssong: Like what?
Mita Xenakis: Like, um, romance.
Lars Erickssong: Yes, of course. No, no. I think of romance and sex play. And like, you know, French maid and little sailor boy.
Mita Xenakis: Oh, I like that.
Lars Erickssong: I have a good size p**is. You know, not too big. I kind of describe my p**is like a Volvo automobile, solid, sturdy, dependable, but not going to turn any heads.

Alexander Lemtov: Well, I have never sung better. Sigrit, you unlocked something inside me. I almost hit the Speorg note.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: You know about the Speorg note?
Alexander Lemtov: Of course. Icelandic folklore, one of my many passions.
Lars Erickssong: Yeah, but it’s a myth.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Lars.
Alexander Lemtov: I love the little elves. They’re cute.
Lars Erickssong: Yeah, I know,. It’s interesting, for some people, who believe them.

[as Mita shows up at Lars’s hotel room and grabs his crotch]
Mita Xenakis: This is going to happen, Lars.
Lars Erickssong: Okay. My balls!
Mita Xenakis: Keep fighting. I like it.
Lars Erickssong: I’m scared!

[after Sigrit spends the night with Alexander]
Alexander Lemtov: Oh, good morning.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Have you just been watching me?
Alexander Lemtov: No. I braid your hair.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: What?
Alexander Lemtov: I find it very relaxing pastime.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Wow. That’s quite good, actually.
Alexander Lemtov: Thank you very much.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: How long did that take you?
Alexander Lemtov: Six hours.

[referring to her dress as she arrives for their rehearsal]
Sigrit Ericksdottir: What is this?
Lars Erickssong: It is a costume I made.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Well, it’s bad.
Lars Erickssong: Well, maybe if you were more focused and not out dancing all night, you might feel better about it.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Oh!
[Sigrit starts tearing at the fabric of the dress]
Lars Erickssong: What are you doing? You don’t have to do this.
Eurovision Director: Okay, and are we ready now?
[after tearing off most of the fabric off the dress]
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Yep. I have never been more ready!

Lars Erickssong: Okay, do you think I’m stupid? A guy like Lemtov, all he wants from a girl like you…
Sigrit Ericksdottir: I didn’t sleep with Lemtov!
Lars Erickssong: Oh. Well, I didn’t sleep with Mita.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Yeah, and I think I know rotten shark meat when I smell it!

Sigrit Ericksdottir: You know what, Lars? Why don’t you just go ahead and sleep with everyone? Eh? You know, hey, maybe I will too. Because, you know, we’re both free, so let’s just go sex-nuts.
Lars Erickssong: I am happy to go sex-nuts. I am going to have sex with everyone!
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Great!

Lars Erickssong: And that guy over there. Yes, holding the iPad, or whatever that is. I can’t read what it says on your name tag.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Theo!
Lars Erickssong: Theo! I’m going to have sex with you, my friend. I’m going to be all over you. It’s going to be passionate and white-hot. You’re going to melt under my body heat.

Lars Erickssong: So listen up, everyone, there is a new sex machine in town, and his name is Lars! Go tell that to your Russian friend.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Yeah, well, at least he sees me.
Lars Erickssong: I see you every day!
Sigrit Ericksdottir: No, you don’t.

Sigrit Ericksdottir: You’re small, Lars Erickssong. So small.

[talking to his reflection in the fountain water]
Lars Erickssong: Look at you. You are an ugly loser. Sigrit was right. You are small. You need to grow up.
Lars Reflection: I know.
Lars Erickssong: And why did you say you would have sex with all those people? That was ridiculous. Come on, you embarrassed yourself.
Lars Reflection: Mm-hmm.
Lars Erickssong: Do you think you’d have a chance with Theo?
Lars Reflection: Never.
Lars Erickssong: Never. Not in a million lifetimes.

Jeff: Hey, dude. Do you know if this is where they shot GOT?
Lars Erickssong: Huh?
Jeff: Game of Thrones.
Lars Erickssong: Give me a break, man. Can’t you see I was talking to my reflection?

Bill: Chill out, bro.
Lars Erickssong: You chill out, bro. Why do you Americans always say “chill out” like that to everyone?
Jenn: Jeff, let’s go. The guy’s nuts.
Lars Erickssong: Wait, I’m nuts? Hey, Europe is not your party town. Alright? You come over here, and you s**t on everything.
Jenn: Come on.
Lars Erickssong: Show some freaking respect. Alright? Go home and build your wall. You s**t-for-brains Americans.

Lars Reflection: Lars! Lars, they love Starbucks.
Lars Erickssong: Hey, go to Starbucks! They have a special for Americans.
Jenn: Where’s the Starbucks?
Lars Erickssong: That Starbucks, it’s anywhere you look, okay?
Jenn: Oh.
Lars Erickssong: Just smell for the Pumpkin Spice Latte.
Jenn: Okay. Thank you.
Lars Erickssong: I’m not saying “thank you” back.
Jeff: Was he trying to help?
Bill: I think so.
Lars Reflection: Goddamn Americans.

Mita Xenakis: Okay, but look. Life is long. And you and Lars have kind of spent most of it together. But if I had someone like that in my life, I don’t think I would let a night of nothing come between us.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Nothing?
Mita Xenakis: I’m equally surprised because, you know, I’m very sexy. I mean, I tried, but he didn’t want to.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Wait. What?

Lars Erickssong: Listen, Sigrit. Yesterday, I was angry.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Yeah, I was angry too. And you know what the elves say?
Lars Erickssong: I don’t know what the elves say. I don’t believe in elves, but…
Sigrit Ericksdottir: They say, “Anger cannot churn the butter.”
Lars Erickssong: “Churn the butter.” Yes, I know that one.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Yeah. And I think it’s really true.
Lars Erickssong: No argument here.

Lars Erickssong: [to Sigrit] And the song, I had them to go back to the way the song originally was. Before Jae-Bong added the “fresh, coz”, “flow” and all the “bish”.

[referring to Sigrit]
Alexander Lemtov: Oh, she is so special, Mita. With her by my side, I could be bigger than ever.
Mita Xenakis: But she will never be happy.
Alexander Lemtov: How you know this? I will give her everything he cannot.
Mita Xenakis: Not everything.

Lars Erickssong: It’s very kind of you to come support us, singing together, as a duo, that will never be separated.
Alexander Lemtov: George Michael said same thing about other Wham guy. No one even know his name.
Lars Erickssong: Andrew Ridgeley.
Alexander Lemtov: Oh, really?

Sigrit Ericksdottir: So guys, I am feeling quite nervous, actually.
Alexander Lemtov: What? Why? You don’t have even single chance of making it. Odds-makers say you wont get single vote. Don’t be nervous. You will be great.

Arnar: What’s wrong with you people? Lars and Sigrit are from our town. They’ve grown up with all of us. Lenderman, did you not teach them both as children? Steve Gundersson, they played music at your first wedding.
Steve Gunderson: And my fourth.
Erick Erickssong: Oh, shut up. No one wants to watch them.
Arnar: Arnar: Oh, the father speaks. Poor Erick. Half the children in this town are probably his. But the only one who truly loves him, he won’t even acknowledge. We know they’re awful, but they’re our awful! I say change the channel, and let’s take our medicine!

Graham Norton: Now the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Iceland. Every performance is an adventure with this group. They’re called Fire Saga. And why they’re here is anyone’s guess.

[after their disasterous performance involving a giant hamster wheel]
Sigrit Ericksdottir: The elves must hate us!

[as the audience cheers for Lars and Sigrit after their disasterous performance]
Graham Norton: I am stunned. Iceland managed to set a new low bar for Eurovision failure. And this audience of hysterical fans have responded in a typically irrational way.

Sigrit Ericksdottir: Our family, our friends, my students. We cannot let them down.
Lars Erickssong: What do you mean? We already did. We are a joke. I’m not going back in there where everyone is going to keep laughing at me.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Well, I am.
Lars Erickssong: Why?
Sigrit Ericksdottir: I am going to go into that artists area because I am an artist. And when I see that no votes come in for us, I’m going to sit there, and I’m going to take it, because I know I am more than this contest.

Sigrit Ericksdottir: Lars, I have never asked you for anything, ever. But I am asking you to do this for me.
Lars Erickssong: And I am asking you to go. Come on. Please, you’re being very selfish right now.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: I’m being selfish?
Lars Erickssong: You are. You know that all I’ve ever wanted is to win.

Sigrit Ericksdottir: Lemtov was right. You just will never be satisfied.
Lars Erickssong: Lemtov? What does Lemtov know?
Sigrit Ericksdottir: He actually knows a lot.
Lars Erickssong: Like what?
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Like he knows about elves. And, uh, how to braid hair.

Lars Erickssong: Fine, walk away. Go to Lemtov. And go sing your love song to him, alright?
Sigrit Ericksdottir: What?
Lars Erickssong: Yeah, I know all about your song. I heard you writing it back at the hotel. So go ahead.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: I wrote that song for you.
[she turns and leaves]

[to the Eurovision audience]
Neils Brongus: I’m so sorry about tonight. They were awful. Next year, it will be better. I promise. We’ll send someone else. Just anyone.

[after Lars returns back to home to Iceland]
Stephan: What are you doing?
Lars Erickssong: I’m taking this rope that’s loose and I’m rolling it around to make it like in a circle. I’m going to become a fisherman. And drink myself to death like a real Erickssong man. This is my new life.
Stephan: But what about Sigrit?
Lars Erickssong: Rich, hairless Russian guy with a huge dingle-dong came between us.
Stephan: S**t happens.

Lars Erickssong: [to Stephan] Remember, give up on your dreams now while you’re still young.

Lars Erickssong: Ew, it stinks.
Erick Erickssong: How can you be a fisherman if you’re scared of the fish?
Lars Erickssong: What, are you joking at me?
Erick Erickssong: Joking at you? Not in the least.
Lars Erickssong: No, I’m tired of it.
Erick Erickssong: Tired of what?
Lars Erickssong: I’m tired of you constantly making fun of everything that I do. I’ve spent my whole life trying to earn your respect! And you know what? I don’t need it anymore! I don’t want it anymore. And if you’re never going to respect me, then, so be it! I don’t need it, okay?

Lars Erickssong: How do you get off this boat? Where is the exit?
Erick Erickssong: There is no exit. It’s a boat, Lars.
Lars Erickssong: How do you get off this thing?

Erick Erickssong: And you have done something for Iceland. Something great. Something none of us could ever do. Your song singing, it has brought us all great pride.
Lars Erickssong: No, it was a disaster.
Erick Erickssong: Yes, but you did not quit. You have Viking spirit in you. First, I didn’t understand that, until you got back up on that stage after that stupid hamster wheel went into the audience. You didn’t quit.

Lars Erickssong: I’ve always loved Sigrit. How did I let this happen?
Erick Erickssong: Oh, it doesn’t matter what happened. What happens now is that you have to fight for her. Yes? You have to fight for her like you fought for that stupid song contest. Fight for your dream of a life with her. Fight, like a Viking!

Ian: Sorry to disturb, but you two do know that Iceland made it into the Eurovison finals?
Lars, Erik: What?!
Erick Erickssong: Why the hell didn’t you tell me?
Ian: We thought you didn’t care.
Lars Erickssong: What? Well, we have to turn the boat around.
Erick Erickssong: No, we can’t lose a day of fishing.
[Lars then jumps off the boat and into the water]

Sigrit Ericksdottir: Alexander, we barely know each other.
Alexander Lemtov: Yes, but you are beautiful and kind. I handsome and rich. This is typically very winning combination. When we sing, I feel connection that is unique for me. And if it helps, I can throw in Fabergé egg, personal submersible, pet tiger.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: I don’t really care about that stuff.
Alexander Lemtov: I know.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Maybe a tiger.
Alexander Lemtov: It can be arranged.

[as Lars goes to talk to the elves]
Lars Erickssong: Hey there, elf. It’s me, Lars. I really messed up. And I just wanted to come up here to ask of you guys for any help you can give me. I don’t know how I’m going to fix things with Sigrit, but I have to try. Okay. Have a good lunch, or whatever you’re doing in there. Goodbye!

[after an unseen elf kills Victor with a small knife as he tries to murder Lars]
Lars Erickssong: Thank you! Enjoy the biscuits! I’ll just leave the knife here, in case you have to do other murders!

[as Lars gets is getting a lift to the contest from the tourists he insulted earlier]
Lars Erickssong: Jeff, bro, man. Come on. Put the pedal to the metal. Let’s go!
Jeff: What about the speed limit?
Lars Erickssong: There is no speed limit in all of Europe. You can go any speed.
Jeff: Oh cool.
Lars Erickssong: There you go. Okay. Jeff got some balls. They may be small, but you’ve got them.

Jenn: So, is Eurovision like The Voice?
Lars Erickssong: Would you shut up? No! It’s not like The Voice.
Bill: Is that it over there?
Lars Erickssong: Yes! Of course it is, you s**thead! It says Eurovision right on it. Don’t slow down!

[as they arrive outside the Eurovision building]
Lars Erickssong: Thank you, Americans! You’re awful people! No, but seriously! Don’t come to Iceland! We don’t want you! You might be killed by elves!

Sigrit Ericksdottir: Are you gay?
Alexander Lemtov: What? No! No, no! Of course not. I am Russian.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: No?
Alexander Lemtov: There no gay people in Russia.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Statistically speaking, I think that’s impossible.
Alexander Lemtov: I assure you. Hundred percent.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Gender-fluid?
Alexander Lemtov: Fact of truth. No gay Russian.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Non-binary?
Alexander Lemtov: No, non-binary. I, he, him pronoun. He, him.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Okay.

[as the ghost of Katiana appears to Lars]
Katiana: Your life is in danger. Victor Karlosson killed me. He blew me up on the boat, and now he’s going to try to kill you.
Lars Erickssong: Where have you been? Seriously. Have you not been using your ghost powers to watch anything that’s happening? He already tried. He’s dead.
Katiana: What?
Lars Erickssong: Yes, he already tried. Yeah. So like come on. Seriously. Thank you so much. Is that it?
Katiana: Goodbye, Lars.
Lars Erickssong: She’s not a very helpful ghost.

Graham Norton: Iceland is next. The audience have been warned. Fire marshals are standing by.

[as Lars lunges at Alexander starts to him him]
Lars Erickssong: Why are you laughing? I’m trying to have a fist fight with you!
Alexander Lemtov: You hit me, but it’s very light. It’s almost relaxing.

[referring to Sigrit]
Lars Erickssong: You stay away from her.
Alexander Lemtov: Lars, it’s too late. You are the one who should stay away. You can give her nothing. I give her everything. Comfort, security, mansion, palace, Wi-Fi every room. What you give her? Nothing.
Lars Erickssong: It’s quite an impressive list.
Alexander Lemtov: Thank you.

[as Lars shows up on the stage to join Sigrit]
Lars Erickssong: My name is Lars Erickssong from Iceland. And I’m sorry to be messing up the show. I shouldn’t. I love this show. The Eurovision Song Contest means everything to me. It is my life. Ever since I was a small child, I always dreamed of winning the contest. But as most of you know, Eurovision is much more than a competition. The music is not a contest. And the perfect song isn’t the winning song, but a song that comes from the heart.
[he starts playing Sigrit’s love song for her to sing]

[after Sigrit performs her song]
Graham Norton: Quite beautiful, really. They will, of course, be disqualified for changing their song, but quite beautiful.

Lars Erickssong: I see you.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: There you are.
Lars Erickssong: Here I am.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: I’m checking you out.
Lars Erickssong: I’m checking you out.
[Lars and Sigrit kiss as the crowd cheers]

[as the crowd is cheering for Lars and Sigrit]
Alexander Lemtov: I still win, of course, but I am happy for them. How could I not be?
Mita Xenakis: You deserve to be happy too.
Alexander Lemtov: Mother Russia does not agree.
Mita Xenakis: Come to Greece with me.
Alexander Lemtov: I do like the statues. Maybe we get a yacht. I look fantastic with tan.
Mita Xenakis: I wouldn’t know, I haven’t seen you with a real one.

[Lars and Sigrit performs with their at baby Erick and Helka’s wedding, and they kiss]
Lars Erickssong: That’s never not going to be weird.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: No. Super not.
Lars Erickssong: They do the tongue too.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Ugh.
Lars Erickssong: And a thumbs up. Okay. You don’t have to do the thumbs up, dad.

[to the American tourists he met during Eurovision]
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Hey, Americans! Are you having a good time in Iceland?
American Tourists: Yeah!
Lars Erickssong: Well, we hate that you’re here. Yeah. So why don’t you go back home, alright? Don’t you have some traffic to sit in with your monster trucks, and your chili corn dogs?
[the bar crowd laughs and cheers]

[still berating the American tourists]
Lars Erickssong: Why, I have some opiates for you, you can take, while you over leverage your credit cards, and you buy too many houses.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Okay. Wow.
Lars Erickssong: Yes! How does that feel?
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Hey! Hey!
Lars Erickssong: No, I’m not done! I hate you! I hate your guts!

[last lins; after singing Jaja Ding Dong for the bar crowd]
Lars Erickssong: Okay, how about the Eurovision song now?
Bar Crowd: No!
Lars Erickssong: Alright. Fair enough!