Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Rose Byrne, Isabela Moner, Tig Notaro, Margo Martindale, Octavia Spencer, Gustavo Quiroz, Julianna Gamiz, Iliza Shlesinger, Tom Segura
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Comedy directed by Sean Anders. Instant Family centers on a couple, Ellie and Pete (Rose Byrne and Mark Wahlberg), who decide to start a family and are inspired to pursue adoption through the foster care system. They feel like wonderful, altruistic people until they suddenly have three wild kids in their home. Now they must learn to love and parent children who have no interest in being parented.
Our Favorite Quote:
Russ: I love what you two are doing with this house, but what are you going to do with five bedrooms? You guys are obviously never having kids.
Russ’s Wife: [to Ellie] What was that look?
Ellie: I did not do a look.
Pete: You’re doing a look right now.
Ellie: There’s no look.
Russ: Have a good fight, guys.
Ellie: There are so many kids in foster care, and they’re having an orientation.
Pete: Ellie, people who take in foster kids are really special. The kind of people who volunteer when it’s not even a holiday. We don’t even volunteer on a holiday.
Karen: Over a half million children are currently in foster care.
Sharon: Pete, I appreciate your cultural sensitivity, but we have every color of kid in the system. And we have every color of parent.
Karen: Every color.
Sharon: Just not nearly enough.
Karen: Not nearly enough parents.
Karen: [to Pete and Ellie] And listen, you’re going to get some funny looks. And people are going to say some stupid s**t. But if you’re willing to love these kids, who need a mom and dad, and somebody has a problem with that, you just ask them how many goddamn kids they’ve adopted.
Karen: [referring to the fair] The county puts these on because they can match a lot of kids and parents quickly.
Ellie: Look at the big kids.
Pete: Everybody’s avoiding them, I’m going to go and say hi.
Ellie: But they’re teenagers, okay. They use drugs and they watch people video games on YouTube. We’re not equipped for any of that.
Lizzie: Hi. Just FYI, we can all hear you.
Lizzie: Okay, go and mingle with the kiddies and don’t give it another thought. Bye-bye.
Ellie: [to Pete] She was cool.
Karen: Lizzie comes with two younger siblings.
Pete: Three kids, too much.
[the social workers shows them the kids photos]
Pete: Oh, my God!
Ellie: God, they’re adorable!
Pete: Why would you show us that? That’s wrong.
Ellie: [to the kids] Here we are!
Pete: Make yourself at home, because you are home.
Juan: Do you like the Clippers?
Pete: I’m more of a Lakers man.
Juan: [Pete throws the basketball and hits Juan in the face] You hit me because I like the Clippers!
Pete: I think the Clippers are awesome. I think they were smart for trading Blake Griffin, their best player.
Pete: [to Juan’s, who’s on the roof of the house] Just stay there until the fire department comes, okay!
Lizzie: [to Ellie] You’re just another white lady who wants to adopt charity orphans to make you feel good about yourself!
Lizzie: [to Ellie] Pretend mom!
Pete: We might have a little bit of knack for this.
Sharon: No, I beg to differ.
Karen: This stuff takes time. Lizzie wanted to parent Juan and Lita all by herself.
Pete: You remember I told you we weren’t special enough for this? We were doing fine.
Ellie: You said that we were in a rut.
Pete: Maybe we were spoiled and didn’t appreciate the rut. The rut was easy and quiet. You know, I miss the rut. But you had to be a mommy.
Ellie: Whose idea was it to go and talk to the teenagers? We could’ve had a toddler who doesn’t have opinions and thong underwear.
Ellie: You pushed us into some next-level s**t!
Pete: Look, we can’t start turning on each other here. If we just stay calm and we work together, we can find a way to get these little a**holes out of our house!
Ellie: Now we’re talking!
Ellie: That’s exactly what I was thinking.
Ellie: I hate them so much.
Pete: Yeah, me too. They’re the worst.
Ellie: They’re so ungrateful. We’re doing everything for them.
Pete: And they could give two s**ts.
Pete: But guess what? They’re not adopted yet.
Ellie: No. No, they’re not. We could just put them back. I mean, yes, we would look like the worst people in the world, but…
Pete: Yeah, we would. And right now everybody thinks we’re saints.
Ellie: I know. I love that part. I do love that part. That’s the only good part.
Pete: Just an idea. What if we say that some relatives came forward? The courts took them. There’s nothing we could do. Right? We squirt a few tears, and we act super devastated.
Ellie: Okay. That’s good. That’s very good. And we get our clean house and date night back. And everybody feels sorry for us.
Ellie: Right? And get some presents maybe.
Ellie: We’re never going to do that.
Ellie: It’s a nice thought, but we’re, we’re stuck, aren’t we?
Pete: Yeah, we are. You know, we got to just accept that we made a terrible mistake, and our life is mostly going to suck now. Good night, honey.
Ellie: We love you.
Lizzie: Will you just go away?
Karen: Things that matter are hard.
Karen: Your real kids are different. You can’t erase them.
Karen: You’ve got to laugh or you’ll never make it through this.
Pete: When I’m pi**ed, do you know what I like to do?
[he takes a hammer, hits the wall, then offers it to Lizzie]
Pete: [referring to Lita’s doll] Alright, let me fix it, okay?
Lita: Thanks, daddy.
Pete: [Ellie hits him in annoyance] I just got my first daddy! Ow, what the…
Ellie: You suck. I want some of that!
Ellie: [goes after Lita] Hey, honey, can I help you with anything?
Ellie: It’s that kid Jacob! Hey, I saw the picture you sent to her, Jacob.
Pete: You’re lucky I don’t end your life right now, carrot top!
Ellie: We’re going to call your mom!
Pete: You’re going down today!
Ellie: So what do you think of that, Jacob?
Charlie: My name is not Jacob!
[we then see the police take Pete and Ellie away in handcuffs]