Starring: Sam Claflin, Olivia Munn, Aisling Bea, Eleanor Tomlinson, Freida Pinto, Jack Farthing, Joel Fry, Allan Mustafa, Tim Key
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Netflix’s romantic comedy written and directed by Dean Craig. Alternate versions of the same wedding unfolds as Jack (Sam Claflin) tries to make sure his little sister, Hayley (Eleanor Tomlinson), has the perfect wedding day. But he has e to juggle an angry ex-girlfriend, an uninvited guest with a secret, a misplaced sleep sedative, and unexpectedly reuniting with the girl of his dreams who got away, Dina (Olivia Munn). If he succeeds, Jack might find a happy ending of his own.
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Our Favorite Quotes:'We live in a universe that's ruled by chaos and chance, where all it takes is just one moment of ill fortune for all our hopes and dreams to go right down the sh**ter.' - The Oracle (Love Wedding Repeat) Click To Tweet 'Love is a weird thing, isn't it? It's unpredictable, sometimes confusing. But I think the most important thing is that the person you're with loves you for being you. You are enough. And you love them just for being them.' - Bryan Click To Tweet 'It's pretty scary, but if we're honest with ourselves, then it all comes down to chance. And I guess life is about grabbing those chances when they come around.' - 'Bryan (Love Wedding Repeat) Click To Tweet
The Oracle: [voice over] A wise person once said about love, “We live in a universe that’s ruled by chaos and chance, where all it takes is just one moment of ill fortune for all our hopes and dreams to go right down the sh**ter.”
[to himself as he’s trying to muster up the courage to kiss Dina]
Jack: You’ve spent the whole weekend putting off this moment, and now you’re actually out of time. Literally, out of time.
[as they are walking in Rome]
Jack: This has been a pretty special weekend.
Dina: Yeah. You know, I have to admit that when Hayley told me her older brother was coming to visit the same weekend that I was coming, I was pretty bummed.
Dina: But it turns out you’re not as irritating as I thought you’d be.
Jack: Wow. Uh, I think that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Dina: Well, that’s the nicest thing I’ve ever said to anyone, so.
Jack: Well, then I’m doubly honored. Thank you.
Dina: You’re welcome.
[after Greg interrupts them as they are about to kiss]
Greg: We used to share a dorm at university.
Greg: Yeah, we used to call him Mr. W*nk. Because he used to w*nk a lot.
Jack: I don’t think that was me.
Greg: No, that was definitely you!
[after Jack awkwardly says goodbye to Dina in front of Greg and leaves her]
Greg: Mate, can you believe what luck this is?
Jack: No, no. I actually can’t.
The Oracle: [voice over] And so, with the coincidental appearance of just one twat from the past, chance comes along and gives love a massive kick in the b*llsack. As the wise person would say, “Chance can be a real b*st*rd.”
[three years later; Jack is at his sister Hayley’s wedding as she gets prepared]
Hayley: [to Jack] Life’s random, isn’t it? I mean, one minute I’m exchanging obscenities with a stranger in a car park, and the next, we’re six months on, totally in love and getting married.
Hayley: Everything okay? You know your role? You’re alright?
Bryan: Yeah. I’m great. Um, couple of questions though. Can we stop calling it “maid of honor” and call it “man of honor” instead?
Hayley: No. Second question?
Bryan: Only because I’m a man, obviously. But, secondly, am I sitting next to Vitelli?
Bryan: Okay. Uh, why not? I mean, you know, he’s casting for a new film right now. Do you have any idea what that could do for my career?
Jack: Give you one?
Bryan: Yeah. Exactly.
Jack: This is happening! My sister’s getting married!
Bryan: Yes, she is!
[referring to the wedding ceremony]
Bryan: I’m going to see you there. Just got to have a quick haircut.
Jack: What, now? You’ll be late for the ceremony.
Hayley: Yeah, Bryan?
Bryan: Wow! I mean, how long have we known each other? And you still have absolutely no faith in me, do you?
Jack: None whatsoever.
Bryan: I’m meeting Federico Vitelli. I can’t do it with sh*t hair.
[after he’s found out Hayley’s put Jack on Amanda’s table for the wedding reception]
Hayley: I’m really sorry. I had no choice. Is that cool?
Jack: Is it cool to be sat next to my nightmare of an ex-girlfriend for a whole day?
Hayley: Look, no. It’s fine. It’s going to be fine, okay?
[as they drive up to Hayley’s wedding reception]
Chaz: I’ll tell you what, I’m not having us having a foreign wedding.
Amanda: Well, I haven’t said yes to us getting married yet.
Chaz: Yes, I’m well aware of that, believe me. My friends think it’s mental you haven’t jumped at the chance.
Amanda: To spend the rest of your life with someone is a big deal. It’s not a decision I’m just going to jump into.
Chaz: I asked you six months ago.
Amanda: Here we go.
[as she greets the wedding guests]
Rebecca: You know, I actually thought penne was the Italian for pe**is, because they’re kind of small like tube-like. But it’s actually just penne is just the Italian for penne.
[referring to his suit]
Amanda: Did you just buy that to pi** me off?
Chaz: No, I wore it because it looks cool.
Amanda: You look like a f**king magician.
Chaz: It cost me three grand.
[greeting Amanda and Chaz as they arrive for the wedding]
Rebecca: Oh, my God! Amanda, hi! Oh, wow, you look gorgeous.
Amanda: Ah, thank you, love.
[as she sees Chaz]
Rebecca: Have they booked a cabaret act?
Chaz: No. I’m Amanda’s boyfriend.
Rebecca: And you’re in the cabaret? That’s amazing!
Rebecca: [to Amanda] I didn’t know you had a new boyfriend. That’s good. I’m so glad you’ve moved on from that last guy you were seeing. What was his name? Chaz? Last time I saw her she was like, “I’m seeing this d**khead.”
Chaz: No, I’m Chaz.
Chaz: I’m Chaz, so.
Rebecca: Oh, my God. Have you gone out with two Chazes in a row? That is such a unique name. That’s nuts.
Rebecca: So how long have you been in the cabaret business?
Chaz: I’m not. I’m a music producer.
Chaz: Who the hell’s this other Chaz guy?
Amanda: Don’t worry about it.
[as Jack is about to walk Hayley down the aisle]
Hayley: Oh, no. I nearly forgot to tell you. You remember Dina, my American friend that you met in Rome?
Hayley: She’s here.
Jack: Uh, what?
[after the wedding ceremony, meeting Roberto’s older male relative]
Jack: He just kissed me full on the mouth.
Bryan: Me too. I think I got some tongue actually.
Jack: Did you even get your hair cut? It looks exactly the same.
Bryan: No, it doesn’t.
Jack: It does.
Bryan: It’s rounder.
Bryan: It’s rounder, Jack.
Sidney: So where’s your other half?
Dina: Oh, yeah. No other half. Just, you know, half a person today.
Sidney: I’m half a person.
Dina: You are? Oh, well.
[they shake hands]
Sidney: Wedding buddies.
Dina: Oh. Is that, that was the deal we made?
Sidney: We shook on it.
Dina: We shook. What do wedding buddies do?
Sidney: We hang out, a little bit.
[referring to Jack]
Chaz: Still can’t believe you made me come all the way out here just to stare at the guy you were sha**ing for two years.
Amanda: Stop staring at him then.
Chaz: At least you got an upgrade.
Amanda: What upgrade?
Chaz: What do you mean, “what upgrade”?
[referring to Jack]
Chaz: I’m better looking than him, I’m taller than him, and I’m definitely better in bed than him.
Amanda: I mean, I don’t know how you know so much. Have you slept with him?
Chaz: Well, no. It’s obvious, look at him. He’s just… What do you mean? What, are you saying that he’s better in bed than me?
Amanda: You know what? I haven’t had time for a full analysis, Chaz.
Chaz: Really? Well, I have. I’ve literally asked people, and they’ve all pretty much said, “Yeah, you’re great. Cheers, mate.”
[after she runs into Marc, who looks drunk]
Hayley: What the f**k are you doing here?
Marc: You’re surprised to see me?
Hayley: Yeah, I am a bit. I mean, everyone else was invited. What do you want?
Marc: I know! I know! You felt like you had to go through with this facade. But I’m here now. And I’m ready for us to be a happy couple.
Hayley: What? I am already in a happy couple with my husband, who’s just in that next room.
Hayley: I am not interested.
Marc: No, I know. I know. I know. Because you thought I didn’t really love you, but now I’m proving that I do, by doing something properly romantic.
Hayley: This is not properly romantic, this is psychopathic!
[after Jack and Dina run into each other at the wedding party]
Jack: What about you? You had a boyfriend.
Dina: Yeah. No more though. He thought it was a good idea to sleep with almost all of his staff.
Dina: So, yeah. So it was either fly out for Hayley’s beautiful wedding in Rome, or go home and kick the living f**k out of him.
Jack: I use to ask about you all the time.
Dina: I used to ask about you too.
Hayley: Just listen to me, because I’ve got a bit of a problem.
Jack: Fine. What is it?
Hayley: Marc Fisher is here.
Jack: What, the creep from school?
Jack: Why the hell did you invite him?
Hayley: I didn’t invite him, he just came.
Jack: Well, just tell him to leave. You can’t just turn up to a wedding uninvited.
Hayley: Jack, you don’t understand. He’s saying that he’s in love with me, and he’s threatening to go full-on psycho and ruin my wedding!
Jack: He’s what?
Hayley: I know. He’s f**king nuts. And he’s f**king coked up to his eyeballs!
Hayley: This is the sleep medicine that I’ve been taking. Couple of drops of this, it would knock him out for hours. It’s seriously strong.
Jack: Sorry, what?
Hayley: And Roberto has put him on your table. Oh, my God. It’s perfect.
Hayley: Just put a couple of drops of that in his champagne glass. It’ll be brilliant. But just use it sparingly because it’s the last that I have, okay? Put it in your pocket.
Jack: Hayley, just a quick question.
Jack: Are you f**king mental? I’m not going to roofie Marc Fisher.
Hayley: Listen, Jack. Marc is just about mad enough to ruin this whole wedding and humiliate me in front of my new family, many of whom already think I’m a bit of a d**k.
Jack: There has to be another way.
Hayley: There is no other way.
Jack: No, there is.
Hayley: There isn’t.
Jack: There has to be.
Hayley: Please, there is no other way.
Jack: There has to be!
Hayley: No, there is no other way.
Jack: There has to be another way!
Hayley: Please, Jack. Jack.
[they are interrupted by the groom]
Roberto: Hayley! Why do you keep disappearing, my beautiful? We need to do the photos. Hey.
Roberto: Your sister is an angel, isn’t she?
[awkward pause as Jack smiles]
[to himself as he puts the sleep medicine in Marc’s glass]
Jack: You f**king owe me, Hayley.
[as Jack leaves the room, some kids change all the name places]
The Oracle: [voice over] Do you know how many different ways eight people can sit around a table? No, don’t try to work it out. It’s really complicated maths. You won’t be able to. But there are thousands. Trust me. Look it up later. Anyway, the point is, something as seemingly insignificant as where we’re sitting at a table, is actually chance dictating whether love will succeed or fail.
[referring to Jack]
Chaz: There’s no way his c**k’s bigger than mine. It might be thicker, but it’s definitely not longer, is it?
Amanda: Are you seriously still going on about this?
Chaz: Well, yeah.
Amanda: For you information, thicker is just as important. You don’t want a long thin pencil d**k going up there.
Chaz: Have I got a pencil d**k?
Amanda: Can you please stop? You’re like a twelve year-old child!
Chaz: Yeah, well, I haven’t got the equipment of a twelve year-old child.
Amanda: No, you don’t.
Amanda: You have the brain of one though.
[after Amanda has been seated next to Jack]
Rebecca: So how long have you and Amanda been seeing each other?
Chaz: Well, I’ve been with her for about a year.
Chaz: Yeah, and she’s chose to sit next to her ex-boyfriend over her actual boyfriend, so.
Rebecca: Yeah, it is pretty rude. Especially when you consider what sort of, um, relationship they had.
Chaz: What do you mean?
Rebecca: It was all very physical, you know?
Chaz: Oh, great.
Rebecca: I personally don’t believe that any sort of meaningful relationship is ever built on that much s*x, so it is kind of weird that they’d sit together.
[referring to Jack and Amanda]
Rebecca: The proof was in the pudding. They ended up breaking up.
Chaz: Well, no, because she keeps talking about his massive d**k, so.
Chaz: Yeah, well, mine’s big anyway, so.
Rebecca: How big?
Chaz: Bigger than his, probably.
Rebecca: What you talking about? A spoon or a fork?
Rebecca: Can you point out on the table what size?
Chaz: Both. Stuck together.
Rebecca: Those two stuck together?
[referring to Dina drinking champagne as he tells her what he does for a living]
Sidney: God, you’re slinging them back, aren’t you?
Dina: You know, if the situation calls for it.
Sidney: Oh, sure. Which it does.
[after they’ve managed to get some alone time away from Sidney]
Dina: Quickly, before Sidney gets back. Just tell me what you’ve been up to.
Jack: Quickly? Just tell you…
Dina: Tell me everything you’ve done in three years in ten seconds. Sid can do that.
Jack: Since the last time I saw you, I’ve had a failed relationship. Amanda, who’s sat right next to me. Then I went to Asia, traveled around. Got a horrible disease. Um, came back. And then I just recently qualified as a structural engineer, at last.
Dina: Hey, that was eight seconds!
Jack: You were actually counting?
Dina: Mm-hmm. I mean, you have two seconds left, but you don’t have anything to fill.
Jack: No, I really don’t. It’s a sad, sad, sad admission.
Dina: I mean, that’s a lot of just blah.
[after Bryan drinks the drugged champagne]
Hayley: You’re awake.
Marc: I’m awake. Of course I’m awake. Why wouldn’t I be awake? Anyway, we need to talk.
Hayley: Right. Um, yes. Just as long as you’re not going to say that we’re meant to be together.
Marc: Oh. Uh, we are meant to be together.
Jack: So, come on. Your turn.
Dina: I was a foreign correspondent, as you might remember. I went off to some very horrific places. Jack: I saw a lot of people get shot. I was kidnapped. Came back home. My mom got sick and died. And I found out that my boyfriend loves having s*x with anything with an available orifice, so.
Dina: That’s it. Yeah.
Jack: I’m sorry.
Dina: Oh, yeah. It’s okay. It’s just, you know, it’s life.
Jack: No, I mean I’m sorry that was twelve seconds. So that’s… Ooh, it means you lose. Wow. Hey, let’s just hope it’s only good luck from now, right?
Dina: Yeah, fingers crossed.
Hayley: Marc is still totally f**king wide awake!
Jack: What? How?
Hayley: Jesus, Jack. It was a simple plan! How did you mess this up?
Jack: Hey! You do know this is my first time spiking someone’s drink.
Hayley: Shush! Shush!
Hayley: How’s it going with Dina?
Jack: Yeah, no. It’s good. It’s good. It’s good. It’s good.
Hayley: That’s great.
Jack: You know what though? It’s like mum always used to say. You know, you expect the worst, but hope for the best, and I feel like this is our moment.
Chaz: I was going to say, well done back there.
Jack: Excuse me?
Chaz: No, it’s the way you orchestrated that you’d be sitting next to Amanda at the wedding.
Jack: What, you think I wanted to sit next to my ex-girlfriend at my sister’s wedding? I’m not a masochist.
Chaz: Bit of a coincidence though, isn’t it?
Jack: Is it though?
Chaz: Yeah, it is. You know, yeah.
Jack: Amanda and I are totally, totally done. I mean, we went out for two years, but by the end of which, we pretty much hated each other.
Chaz: Oh, alright. So you’re saying you hate her now, eh?
Jack: Hate’s a strong word.
Chaz: You just said it.
Jack: But definitely dislike.
Chaz: You be careful, mate. Because that’s my future fiancée you’re talking about.
Chaz: What do you mean, “really”? Oh, what? Because I haven’t got that? Yeah? I couldn’t fill those boots? Huh?
Chaz: What went through your mind just then? Oh, what? “Oh, this guy in front of me has got a really tiny weird pe**is that everyone’s laughing at.” No, they’re not. They’re laughing at you, mate. Because you’re the weirdo who’s walking around the party with your big pe**is. “Oh, look at me! I’m at a wedding with a big d**k! Everyone respect me because of my big pe**is! Ooh! Oh, it’s really girthy! It’s really girthy! Please like it! Please like it!”
Jack: I’m sorry, you completely lost me.
Chaz: Exactly. Stay away from her.
Jack: I know you have this thing for Hayley, right. But she doesn’t feel the same, so you need to accept that.
Marc: Oh, oh, oh. Is that right? Then, how come we sha**ed three weeks ago?
Marc: That’s right. Sha**ed.
Jack: Okay, I really don’t know what’s happening here. But I do know that she’s happy. Please, please don’t ruin that.
Marc: Okay. Okay. But I’m going to make her happy, idiot!
[Jack then drags Marc, with Sidney’s help into a closet, where they lock him up]
Jack: So, I just heard something a little bit weird. Apparently, you sha**ed Marc Fisher three weeks ago.
Hayley: Did he say that? You know, that really is unbelievable. I mean, the nerve!
Jack: My God! You are the worst liar in the entire world! What were you thinking?
Hayley: I know, I really f**ked up. It was an accident.
[referring to Marc]
Hayley: Of course, it turns out that he’s been obsessed with me since we were fifteen. Fifteen, Jack, and nothing ever happened. Yeah, we snogged a couple of times. Maybe he felt my tits. I don’t know. Maybe I rubbed him up against his jeans.
Jack: I don’t need the details.
[a drugged Bryan gives his maid of honor speech]
Bryan: [slurring] Why are all these people looking at me? Oh. This dream just gets weirder and weirder. And even Vitelli. The Italian film director. Yeah, he’s good looking, isn’t he? I fancy him a bit, but I’m not even gay, but I’d do it anyway. I wish he’d give me a part in one of his films though. Just a part. Just a little part. I’d do it good. I’d do it good for you. Just give me a part, you bastard!
[as Dina is about to leave the wedding party]
Dina: Jack. Hi, I was looking for you.
Jack: You’re not going, are you?
Dina: I know. I’m so sorry. I was trying to say goodbye. But there’s been this hurricane in Mexico, and I got to get back, because my editor has food poisoning. It’s a long story, but I’m so sorry. I tried to say goodbye. But maybe we can get together another time. Or will you be in Mexico or Guadalajara anytime soon?
[as Jack is trying to say goodbye to Dina, they get interrupted by Amanda and Chaz]
Amanda: Chaz just told me you hate me.
Jack: I didn’t say hate. I didn’t.
Chaz: Well, you did say, so.
Jack: Okay, no. No, I did say hate, but then I changed it.
Chaz: Yeah, to dislike.
Amanda: Oh, that’s so sweet of you, Jack.
Jack: Well, you don’t like me either! Why do we have to pretend our relationship was anything other than the misery that it was? Right?
Amanda: Okay. Yeah, okay. I guess you make a fair point.
[after Amanda has confronted Jack about saying he hates her]
Amanda: Just one more thing.
[she suddenly head-butts Jack on the nose]
Dina: Oh my God! Jack!
Amanda: You are a piece of sh*t!
Dina: Jack, are you okay? Oh, my God. Jack, wait.
Amanda: Yes, I will marry you, Chaz.
[after Marc is freed from the closet and rushes to the mic]
Marc: Hayley and I sha**ed, and we love each other. Hayley, come on. Tell them. Tell them.
Hayley: Get the hell off the stage!
[Hayley grabs him off the stage and starts hitting him]
[after he’s found out Hayley slept with Marc]
Roberto: I can’t believe it. How could you do it? It’s a f**king nightmare, Hayley.
Hayley: I know. It was such a mistake, and I’m so sorry. And I love you more than…
Roberto: No, it’s over.
Hayley: Please, let me just explain it to you.
Roberto: No! No, no, no. I don’t want to talk to you. Never. Never again. It’s over. This wedding is over!
Hayley: Roberto! Oh, my God!
[as she goes towards him, Roberto falls off the balcony]
The Oracle: [voice over] And there we go. One bit of bad luck, and it all goes tits up. But what if things had gone differently? Remember what I was saying about the thousands of ways eight people can sit around a table?
[we then see glimpses of several scenarios of how things would have played out when different people drink the drugged champagne]
The Oracle: [voice over] And then, finally, there’s just one last hope that it might all go right.
[after we see the true scenario where Jack drinks the drugged champagne and runs to the bathroom]
Bryan: What on earth are you doing?
Jack: I’ve just taken a really strong sedative!
Bryan: That’s a really weird thing to do at your sister’s wedding.
Jack: Well, I didn’t do it on purpose, you t*t!
[as he’s trying to make himself puke]
Jack: Jesus! How do you make this fingers-down-the-throat thing work? Oh, I can’t. I can’t do it. Look, you have to help me. Put your fingers down my throat.
Jack: Look, I can’t do it myself. I just, I need you to do it for me, alright? You’ve got those big, long, weird, gangly fingers. They’ll go further down my throat.
Bryan: I’ve got to go impress Vitelli. I can’t be getting involved in this.
Jack: What’s Dina going to think if I start falling asleep at the table? She’s going to think I’m a total f**k-wit!
[as Jack is trying to put Bryan’s finger down his throat Dina walks in]
Bryan: Oh, God! This is the worst moment of my life.
Dina: Uh, sorry. I just wanted to check to see if you guys were good. You’re good? Good? Yeah, I can, I’m going to find something…
[after Jack and Bryan return to their table]
Jack: Can we just pretend that, you know, whatever you saw back there, never happened?
Dina: It’s a pretty enduring image. Kind of hard to forget.
Jack: Right. Uh, no. There’s a totally reasonable explanation for that. It’s a funny story. Really. Very funny. And I will tell you about it, just not today.
Jack: You were about to tell me what you’ve been up to since I last saw you.
Dina: Okay, well, I guess the main thing has been work. You know, it’s taken everything. Honestly. I mean, I only really stopped and looked up when my mom got sick.
[as the drug is takin effect, Jack starts to yawn]
Dina: Is my mom’s terminal cancer boring you?
Jack: No. No, it’s not. Carry on.
[as Jack tries to listen to Dina talk about how her mother died of cancer]
Dina: You know, the whole thing was just a really huge punch to the gut, honestly.
[Jack tries to suppress a yawn]
Dina: The truth is, I just can’t get over the randomness of it, you know? Like, why her?
Jack: Yeah, why?
Dina: You know, I don’t normally talk to people about this, because it just feels really weird. But, you know, I’m really devastated by it. I don’t really think I’m over it. The truth is, I don’t think I’ll ever really be over it, you know?
[she looks over to Jack and sees him alseep, snoring]
Dina: Are you f**king kidding me?
Jack: I’m just really stressed. Hayley’s in a really big mess.
Bryan: Look, you’re always getting Hayley out some mess or other.
Jack: Well, yeah. She’s my sister. She needs me. Also, I think Dina hates me.
Jack: I was falling asleep as she was telling me about her mum dying.
Bryan: Oh, man. Yeesh.
Jack: I’m such an a**hole.
Bryan: No, you’re not an a**hole, Jack.
Jack: I am.
Bryan: You’re not. I think you might be the best person I know. But you can’t keep putting everybody else first. I’m worried about you, man. Yeah.
Jack: I love you, man.
Bryan: Yeah, alright.
Jack: No, I mean. No, no. I properly love you. More than just a mate, you know?
Bryan: Yeah. Alright.
[Jack then slumps in Bryan’s arms and starts snoring]
Hayley: You’ve taken the sleep drops, haven’t you?
Hayley: Jack! You total bell end. Please wake up!
Jack: I’m so awake.
[Hayley taps Jack on the face to wake him]
Jack: Ow! Why does everyone keep hitting me?
Hayley: I need you.
Jack: Why? I mean, look, is this really such a big deal? Like can’t we just relax and go to sleep?
Hayley: Marc is going to tell Roberto that I had s*x with him.
Jack: What like from when you were younger? How recently?
Hayley: A few weeks ago.
Jack: Oh, Jesus.
Hayley: I’m a colossal loser!
Jack: You are not a loser. Alright? You are my sister. And you’re the funniest, most brilliant, most caring person in the world. And if it turns out that Roberto can’t forgive you for a really, really stupid mistake…
Hayley: [crying] Oh, Jack!
Jack: But, no. Listen, listen, listen. Look, if he can’t forgive you, I’ll still be here. I’ll always be around. We can be losers together.
Jack: I think you and I have the same problem.
Hayley: Do we?
Jack: Mm-hmm. We’re just afraid to let a real relationship happen, because we know how easy it is to lose the ones we love.
[as he embraces her, he falls asleep]
Bryan: Why do you like me? I mean, I’m a totally self-obsessed, neurotic mess.
Rebecca: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I suppose I don’t really mind those things about you.
Bryan: But don’t you think I’m a bit of an idiot?
Rebecca: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, you’re a massive idiot. Yeah. Yeah.
Bryan: Well, yeah.
Rebecca: But I suppose there’s one or two people who would say that I am a bit of a massive idiot. And so, you being a massive idiot is sort of what I actually like the best about you. I suppose what I’m saying is that I just like you for being you.
Bryan: Oh, wow. I don’t think anybody’s ever liked me for being me before. They usually like me for who I pretend to be. Like occasionally.
Rebecca: Well, with me you don’t have to pretend.
[Bryan then kisses her]
Jack: I know how you feel about Hayley. But maybe some things just aren’t meant to be.
Marc: Not this.
Jack: Just, what I do know is that Hayley deserves to be happy.
Jack: But she’s happy with Roberto. If you really, truly care about her, please let her go.
[Marc looks at him and walks off]
Jack: I’m really not on my best right now.
Sidney: You see, Jack, you’re good with ladies, and I was wondering if you had any pointers.
Jack: Believe me, I’m not the best person to ask for advice about anything.
Sidney: Yes, you are. Yes, you are, Jack.
Jack: Not right now.
Sidney: Now, I know I’m not as s*xy as Brad Pitt. But now I’m starting to worry that I might be… I’m probably overthinking it. But, well, am I boring?
[Jack falls asleep, snoring]
Jack: Just listen more to people. And I know they’re your friends, alright, but stop going on about Jim and Jeff.
Sidney: I don’t know them that well.
Jack: Then why do you go on about them?
Sidney: I suppose to make myself sound more popular.
Jack: It’s not working.
Sidney: Definitely not?
Sidney: Stop talking about Jim and Jeff. And for heaven’s sake, listen.
Jack: Good luck.
[giving his maid of honor speech]
Bryan: Love is a weird thing, isn’t it? It’s unpredictable, sometimes confusing. But I think the most important thing is that the person you’re with loves you for being you. You are enough. And you love them just for being them. And that’s what Hayley and Roberto have. And that’s what I have with Rebecca.
[as Marc goes up to the mic to reveal his affair with Hayley, he hesistates]
Marc: Hayley and Roberto, I hope you’ll both be very happy together.
Chaz: I’ve been thinking. Maybe we shouldn’t get married. Because, I mean, you’re clearly not in love with me. And that wouldn’t really work, would it? Would it?
Amanda: Someone somewhere is going to be so lucky to have you.
Amanda: Especially with those awesome genitals.
Chaz: [emotional] Oh, I knew it. But it’s nice of you to confirm it, because it’s been playing on my mind.
[after Sidney meets a wedding guest and successfully chats to her]
Cristina: Oh. I love your kilt.
Sidney: Ooh, careful! Buy me dinner first.
Cristina: Are you here alone?
Sidney: I am here alone, yes. Are you here alone?
Cristina: Yes, I’m alone.
Dina: Wow, look who’s woken up.
Jack: Uh, hi. Yeah, I am so sorry about what happened earlier. Tonight didn’t quite turn out as I’d planned.
Dina: Yeah? Well, what in life really turns out as planned?
Jack: Yeah, I suppose.
[as Dina is about to leave the wedding party becuase of her work]
Jack: I was about to kiss you that night. I just felt that there was something special between us. And, um, I know this seems nuts, because we’d only known each other a couple of days, but I’ve never felt a connection like that before. Or since. And I had a feeling you felt the same. So I just want to, I just need to know if I was imagining it.
Dina: You weren’t imagining it. I guess we just missed our moment.
[she turns and walks off]
Bryan: Where’s the American?
Jack: Oh, she’s gone.
Bryan: I’m sorry, man.
Jack: Some things just aren’t meant to work out.
Bryan: True. Like me and acting.
Bryan: Yeah. I’ve realized that I don’t need to act. I’m fine just being me.
Jack: So that’s it.
Bryan: That’s it. Done. No more. You’ve got to change at some point, don’t you?
[after Vitelli offers Bryan a role in his next film because he was moved by Bryan’s speech]
Jack: I thought you were quitting acting.
Bryan: No, that’s bullsh*t. I’m all about acting.
Jack: Well, at least one of us has had some luck.
Bryan: What are you talking about? We’re all lucky.
Jack: Are we really?
Bryan: Have you ever thought about how small the chances are that you would be born? If just one thing in history had changed, just one of your millions of ancestors hadn’t crossed paths at the exact moment they did, then you wouldn’t exist. You’d never have even lived a single day.
Jack: Did you just make that up?
Bryan: No. It’s a quote from one of Vitelli’s films. But it’s true though, right?
Bryan: I mean, it’s pretty scary, but if we’re honest with ourselves, then it all comes down to chance. And I guess life is about grabbing those chances when they come around.
[after a moment’s pause Jack rushes off to find Dina]
[last lines; after Jack finds Dina and as he goes to kiss her an old acquaintance of her’s interrupts them]
Dina: I’m sorry. Do I know you?
Olof: Do you remember we met at that party.
Jack: F**k off. Seriously, f**k off!
[the guys turns and walks off, and Jack finally kisses Dina]
[mid-credits lines; we see a “what if” scenario after Jack drugs in Marc’s champagne and the name places are changed]
Jack: Hang on. You’re not supposed to be sat there, are you?
Marc: I think I am.
[stops Chaz drinking from his champagne glass]
Chaz: What the f**k are you doing? What the f**k was that about?
[mid-credits lines; in another “what if” scenario, Rebecca and Bryan are talking to Vitelli]
Rebecca: He’s the most amazing actor you’ve ever seen.
Bryan: I don’t know about that.
Rebecca: No. No, he is. He’s brilliant. Yeah.
Vitelli: Thank you.
Rebecca: And you’d be “amoron” not to put him into one of your movies. Like an actual f**king moron.
Bryan: Calm it down a bit.
Rebecca: If he was any more obsessed with you, he would actually be a stalker.
Bryan: I’m not a stalker.
Rebecca: No, he’s not a stalker.
Bryan: I’m a watcher. I love watching. I’m a watcher.
Rebecca: But he’s a bit like a crazy fan. Expect him in your shower being like, “I want to watch your films.”
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