Starring: Michael Fassbender, Elisabeth Moss, Oscar Kightley, Uli Latukefu, Rachel House, Kaimana, David Fane, Beulah Koale, Chris Alosio, Taika Waititi, Will Arnett, Rhys Darby
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Story: Bio-sports comedy drama directed and co-written by Taika Waititi. Next Goal Wins (2023) follows the American Samoa soccer team, considered to be one of the weakest football teams in the world, the team hires down-on-his-luck, maverick coach Thomas Rongen (Michael Fassbender) hoping he will turn the world’s worst soccer team into an elite squad.
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Best Underdog Next Goal Wins Quotes
American Samoan Priest: Come in here and listen to this wonderful tale of woe. Not woe as in, “Ah, bummer, man!” But woe as in, “Whoa! That’s amazing! I can’t believe that pretty much actually happened! With a couple of embellishments along the way.”
American Samoan Priest: And just like any incredible story, our tale begins with utter humiliation.
Tavita: I know we’ve never ever scored a goal, ever! But we have to because I’ve made a bet with the heads of the football federations from the other islands that we could. And if we don’t, they’re going to draw a lady boobs on my face. That’s some pretty powerful motivation.
Tavita: Where am I going to find a new coach?
Ruth: You have to look off island.
Tavita: No, that’s treason.
Ruth: Treason is sending that poor team to play games they have no hope of winning. You have to think outside the box.
Tavita: Well, sometimes the box is too small to think inside of.
Ruth: Drawings of boobs are a gateway to the real thing. Be careful, my mister.
Thomas Rongen: Football, soccer, as you like to call it, is like life. You know? You’re riding high in April and shot down in May.
Thomas Rongen: I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I’ve acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. I’ve come here to impasse my knowledge and unique insight into the beautiful game and turn this team around. I’m not God, but I may as well be. Because I perform more miracles than him.
Tavita: [referring to Thomas] I really think things are going to turn around. You know, son? It’s like in The Matrix. I think this man is the Neo.
Tavita: Your castle awaits. Your landlord is Sione. He lives in the house next door. And he’s available seven-twenty-four to address your every need.
Thomas Rongen: Seven-twenty-four?
Tavita: Seven days out of every twenty-four.
Convenient Store Cashier: [to Thomas] Welcome to the convenience store. I see you found our conveniently located libation station. And conveniently, we’re the local movie rental place. And the convenient dreamcatcher outlet.
Ace: [to the team] Now, we’re going to practice pointing and blaming where you point to someone and just blame them.
Thomas Rongen: Well, gentlemen. I’ve been watching you. And it’s safe to say, you’re useless. You have zero talent, skill or understanding of the game.
Thomas Rongen: [to the team] You’re all a bunch of Daniel-sans. And I’m Mr. Miyagi.
Daru: [referring to Thomas] Something not right about this guy.
Pisa: Well, he is white.
Ace: Oh, and there’s Jaiyah, the Cindy Crawford of soccer.
Ruth: [to Thomas] You’re just a skinny white guy, sitting there looking out to sea for answers. But maybe the answers you seek are right in front of you.
Ruth: What was all that tin can mumbo-jumbo s**t you made me say and all that “family is what you make it” crap? It sounded like that old lady from The Matrix.
Tavita: No, he’s a Palagi. White people love all that spiritual stuff.
Tavita: Can you imagine the world without yoga? There’d be all this unstretchy white people around with no ethnic tattoos.
Ruth: And no white dreadlocks.
Tavita: Exactly! They need us.
Jaiyah: Something to drink?
Thomas Rongen: Whiskey, beer, wine?
Jaiyah: Yep. We got all those. Which one?
Thomas Rongen: Whiskey, beer, and wine.
Thomas Rongen: I can honestly say it’s the worst bunch of players I’ve ever come across in my life.
Tavita: [to Thomas] We have our methods too. Traditions. It’s like with that appetizer. I’m sure that little fish didn’t think that one day it would be chopped up, covered in spring onions, a little bit of tomato, yellow pepper, lemon zest, and a dash of chili. But if you ask anyone around here, it’s a better fish because of it. You may need to just marinate too. See how you feel.
Thomas Rongen: We’ve worked too long and hard for this.
Daru: You’ve only been here a few days.
Ace: The bell means curfew. It’s time to pray. The whole island stops. Same time, every day.
Thomas Rongen: But what am I supposed to do? I’m not religious.
Ace: Pretend?
Ace: I’ll pray for you.
Thomas Rongen: When did that ever work?
Thomas Rongen: This is church. Football is church. You’ve got zero commitment.
Tavita: We’re very committed to church.
Thomas Rongen: This place is a carnival of crap.
Tavita: [to Thomas] We want to learn from you. But we will not deny who we are just to win.
Tavita: Unhappiness is a curse that I would not wish on anyone.
Thomas Rongen: Once you quit, you got to commit to the quit.
Jaiyah: You know, you should eat first. And, then get angry.
Thomas Rongen: Makes sense.
Nicky Salapu: [to Thomas] How did you get this coaching job? You’re terrible at this.
Thomas Rongen: They need work, yeah. And they need a lot of work. But I see a bunch of guys in that team, including her, who all work multiple jobs just to play. Who’ve got more heart and they’re dreaming bigger than nearly any of the jaded fools that mess around in the pro league for money they don’t deserve. Don’t tell them I said that.
Ace: Wowie, that was some journey!
Rambo: Yeah, I think I got the jet lags. I need a nap.
Jaiyah: Guys, it was only a thirty-five minute flight.
Tavita: Slow down. Heaven’s full.
Tongan Player: Nice of you guys to show up.
Rambo: That’s very kind of you. Thank you.
Tongan Player: It was an insult!
Rambo: Oh, I should have known you were going to put a twist on it.
Rambo: Obviously, you’re trying to get under our skin. But American Samoan skin is impenetrable. Okay? Unless you got a sharp object, like scissors, screwdriver, needle. Anything that kind of comes down to a really sharp point.
Alex Magnussen: Look, the herd is only as fast as its slowest animal. That’s like circle-of-life s**t.
Thomas Rongen: They are not weak. Some of the sacrifices these players have made, I mean, I’m talking about life-altering sacrifices.
Alex Magnussen: Look, I wish there was something I could say that would magically make you feel better about this. Oh. Hakuna matata.
Gail: You define love as wanting to be wanted. You just don’t want to be alone.
Thomas Rongen: Yeah. That’s the definition of love.
Nicky Salapu: [to Thomas] I did some research on you, and it turns out you’re a bigger loser than I am. Yeah. I mean, you’ve failed so many times or been fired. It actually makes me feel better about being the worst goalkeeper in the world.
Thomas Rongen: Don’t know what to say, really. A few minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives. All comes down to today. Now, either we heal as a team. Or we’re going to crumble, inch by inch, play by play, till we’re finished.
Daru: Hang on. That’s the Any Given Sunday speech.
Tavita: [to Thomas] Ever since you got to our island, you’ve been somewhere else. Even now, you’re somewhere else. Maybe it’s in the past, because you thought you were happier then. But I think you could be happy here, now. But you actually have to be here, now.
Thomas Rongen: I can’t win.
Tavita: Then lose. But don’t lose alone. Lose with us. And there’s always the second half. That’s another chance.
Thomas Rongen: [to the team] I shouldn’t have called you losers. It’s not true. You’re not. I’m the loser.
Thomas Rongen: [to the team] You know, I thought I was better than you. And fact of the matter is, you don’t need me at all. You’re already perfect. So basically, my advice to you would be, “Don’t listen to me.” Go out there and do what you do. Or don’t do it. Whatever. You know?
Thomas Rongen: You’ve reminded me that I’ve always loved playing more than winning. So, enjoy this match. I mean, life’s short. Football’s a game. I just want you all to be happy.
Daru: But we want to win, coach.
Thomas Rongen: Then be happy.
Thomas Rongen: [to the team] No pressure. Enjoy yourselves. It’s just a game. Life is good.
Tavita: We scored a goal! We actually scored a goal!
Tavita: They said I suffered a massive stroke.
Ruth: Heat stroke.
Tavita: Yeah, a massive heat stroke. It was awful, son. Scary for everyone involved. But in time, maybe even an hour, I think I’ll be up on my feet again.
Tavita: Dear Lord. What more can I say? Nothing, really. I had a dream and it came true. We scored a goal. And then we scored another goal. And then we won a game! And then, we lost the next game. And we didn’t qualify for the World Cup. But you know what, Lord? Despite that loss, I’m happy.
Tavita: So, thank you for sending us Mr. Rongen. We’ve become quite attached to him. It’s like finding a little lost white kid at the mall and telling him which way to go.
Thomas Rongen: Well, Lord, the thing is I’m still leaving. But not for football, Lord. I want some time for me. You know, so I can remind myself that there’s other more important things to life than this game. Amen.
Tavita: Dear Lord. Way to get our hopes up, jeez! It’s a real rollercoaster ride, this one.
American Samoan Priest: [post-credits lines] No matter what happens to you, when the going gets rough, when the chips are down, when you feel like you can’t carry on, when you feel like there’s no hope, or you just can’t do it, anything can happen and a whole lot of miracles when you just have a little bit of faith.