Starring: Anna Faris, Chris Evans, Ari Graynor, Blythe Danner, Ed Begley Jr., Joel McHale, Zachary Quinto, Martin Freeman, Andy Samberg, Anthony Mackie, Oliver Jackson-Cohen, Thomas Lennon, Mike Vogel, Chris Pratt
OUR RATING: ★★½
Story:
Romantic comedy directed by Mark Mylod, the story follows Ally Darling (Anna Faris), whose latest romance has just fizzled out, and she’s just been fired from her marketing job. Then she reads an eye-opening magazine article that warns that a high percent of women who’ve been with twenty or more partners are unlikely to find a husband. Determined to turn her life around and prove the article wrong, Ally embarks on a mission to find the perfect mate from among her numerous ex-boyfriends.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 85)
[first lines; after Ally wakes up early, makes herself up and goes back to bed pretending to wake up at the same time as her boyfriend]
Rick: How come you always look so great in the morning?
Ally Darling: Do I?
[Rick rolls over and goes back to sleep]
[as Ally serves Rick breakfast]
Ally Darling: Hey, so I was thinking that maybe you’d want to be my date to my sister’s wedding. There’s a vegetarian alternative, I already checked.
Rick: Are your parents going to be there?
Ally Darling: At my sister’s wedding? I think so.
Rick: I don’t know, it just feels a little serious.
Ally Darling: Oh, I’m sorry. It just, um, felt kind of serious last night when you were doing me from behind, but I couldn’t see your face, so.
Rick: You know, if you just want to hook up, just call me.
Ally Darling: Oh, thank you, Rick. That’s very generous of you.
[Rick turns to leave]
Rick: See you around.
[he turns back to face her again]
Rick: Keep it green.
[Ally is talking to her sister on the phone whilst walking to work]
Daisy Darling: I could have you it wasn’t going to work out with Rick two months ago.
Ally Darling: Why?
Daisy Darling: You love meat, you hate cyclists.
Ally Darling: I do love meat.
Daisy Darling: And to be honest, I was a little worried about the way he kept wanting to do it doggy style.
Ally Darling: Some people like that, you know?
Daisy Darling: No, nobody likes it. Even the dogs are just waiting for it to be over.
Ally Darling: How many relationships do I have to have before I meet the right guy?
Daisy Darling: Uh, evidently a lot.
[at work, Ally is called into her boss’ office]
Roger: Sweetheart, we have to let you go. I’m sorry, but, uh, we had to make some painful cuts.
Ally Darling: Who else is getting fired?
Roger: Well, for now, just you.
[after getting fired, Ally is riding home on the subway, she reads a magazine article stating the average woman has 10.5 sexual partners in their lifetime]
Ally Darling: Ten point five? Holy shit!
[the woman sat next to her looks at her as makes this outburst]
Ally Darling: I’m sorry. It just says here, the average number of lovers women have in their lifetime is ten point five.
Plant Lady: Yeah, that seems very high.
Ally Darling: High? No, that’s low! Ten point five is low!
Plant Lady: Whatever you say.
[Ally looks freaked out and starts making a list of all of the guys she has slept with]
[Ally arrives at her sister’s pre-wedding party]
Ava Darling: Where is Rick?
Ally Darling: Rick’s on a business trip, for his business.
Ava Darling: Nuts, I was looking forward to finally meeting him. Why aren’t you wearing the dress I bought you?
Ally Darling: This is the dress you bought me.
Ava Darling: What? It looked very different on the mannequin.
Ally Darling: Is Daisy upstairs?
Ava Darling: Yeah, she is. She is a wreck.
Ally Darling: Okay, I’m going to go check on her.
Ava Darling: Please, do.
[Ally starts to walk off]
Ava Darling: Oh, your cousin Beau is here.
[as she’s walking up the stairs, Ally shouts back]
Ally Darling: Step cousin! He’s a step cousin, we’re not even remotely related!
[she takes out her notebook and adds Beau to the list of guys she’s slept with]
Daisy Darling: Thank God you’re here. Mom has been such a bitch, ever since Eddie’s parents got here. She just cannot believe that her marriage ended before there’s did.
Ally Darling: Well, dad should be here soon. So she’ll have someone else to focus her hatred on.
Daisy Darling: Um, dad’s not coming. She won’t let me invite him here.
Ally Darling: Are you inviting him to the wedding?
Daisy Darling: Uh, I don’t know.
Ally Darling: Oh.
Ally Darling: Hey, what was creepy puppets guy’s actual name?
Daisy Darling: You mean the guy who lived next door that was obsessed with me? Gerry Perry.
Ally Darling: Gerry Perry! Thank you.
[Ally takes out her notebook and adds Gerry Perry’s name to her list of men she’s slept with]
Daisy Darling: What are you writing?
Ally Darling: Nothing, just some notes for my toast.
Daisy Darling: Is it going to rhyme?
Ally Darling: It depends. What rhymes with orgy?
Daisy Darling: You just keep it under three minutes. Ready?
Ally Darling: Oh, you look amazing.
Daisy Darling: Thank you.
Ally Darling: You go ahead. I’ll be down in a couple of minutes.
Daisy Darling: Okay
[as Daisy leaves the room, Ally counts the names on her list and it adds up to 19]
Ally Darling: Holy shit! Nineteen.
[Ally freaks out and takes a large sip of champagne]
[after finding out the number of guys she’s slept with, Daisy gets drunk and gives a toast to her sister and her fiancé]
Ally Darling: When Daisy first told me that she was dating Eddie, I couldn’t believe it. I said, Eddie Vogel? The schmuck you went out with in high school? He was the biggest douchebag of them all! Even worse than Baby Hands!
[to her friends, who are looking at her in amusement]
Ally Darling: Do you guys remember him? Baby Hands?
[she imitates doing baby hands]
Ally Darling: You know how Eddie broke up with her? He started dating her best friend, who’s here tonight, by the way. Sheila, stand up.
[Sheila laughs nervously and stands]
Ally Darling: But when Eddie saw Daisy at their high school reunion, he knew what a big mistake he had made. No offense, Sheila. And now, Eddie’s amazing. You wouldn’t even know he’s the same guy, except he looks exactly the same.
[Ally laughs]
Ally Darling: God! I wish I went to my high school reunion, but I was growing out my bangs. I’m always growing out my bangs. I don’t get bangs.
[there’s an uncomfortable silence as everyone is looking at her]
Ally Darling: Well, to Daisy and Eddie!
[as she salutes with her champagne bottle she clicks her bottle with the glass of guy standing next to her, but she hits his glass to hard and breaks it making her friends laugh]
[after her sister’s party, Ally, her sister and their friends are in a bar drinking, Ally suggests a game where they all write down the number of sexual partners they’ve had, put them in a jar then each draws one, reads it aloud and try to guess who it belongs to]
Jamie: Thirteen.
Katie: Thirteen? Who here has had thirteen?
Sheila: Me.
Daisy Darling: Girl, you’re a slut!
[everyone mocks Sheila and Ally looks worried]
Ally Darling: Slutty whore!
Sheila: What is the big deal?
Katie: That is thirteen different penises in one vagina.
Sheila: It’s not like they were all in there at the same time. You know what, I’m done with this. Ally, you go.
Ally Darling: Oh, okay.
[Ally draws the last slip, her own, and rips it in half, so it reads 9 instead of 19]
Ally Darling: Oh, wow! Look at that! Nine. I drew myself. Game over.
Katie: Wait…
[Katie notices the piece if paper Ally had ripped and picks it off the floor and read it]
Katie: One. Is this yours?
Ally Darling: Uh…
Katie: Oh, my God! You’re at ninety-one!
Ally Darling: No! I’m a nine!
Daisy Darling: You’re at nineteen.
Katie: Nineteen?
Sheila: Hello, friend.
Ally Darling: Fine, I admit it. I’m at nineteen. Almost twice the national average, it’s bad. Look at this. There was even a whole article in Marie Claire about it.
[she takes out the article from her bag]
Ally Darling: I thought that playing this game would make me feel better about my number, but now I think I’m starting to believe this article is right. It’s high.
Jamie: Apparently in America, ninety-six percent of women who’ve been with twenty or more lovers can’t find a husband.
Ally Darling: It actually says twenty?
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Sheila: Who cares? Who did that study anyway? Some scientist over there at Marie Claire magazine?
Katie: Hey, that magazine taught me how to orgasm.
Eileen: Actually, that’s study was conducted by Dr. Keller, a post-doctoral fellow at Harvard University.
Ally Darling: Shit!
Eileen: I see it in my practice all the time. When you’re too sexually available, it messes with your self-esteem. The next thing you know, you’re forty five, no self-respect, no husband and no muscle tone in your pelvic floor.
Ally Darling: Okay, well that is not going to happen to me. Harvard says that twenty is the limit, I’m at nineteen, so that gives me one more chance.
Ally Darling: Okay, I’m going to make a proclamation.
[to the table nearby who are shouting]
Ally Darling: Shut up! I’m proclamation.
[holding up her glass]
Ally Darling: Okay, I am not going to sleep with one more guy until I am sure he’s the one. I may not have control over much, but I do have control over my pelvic floor. The next guy that vacations at Casa Esperanza, is going to be my husband. To taking control of my own destiny!
[as she toasts the girls take a sip of their drinks then Ally stands and makes another toast]
Ally Darling: To better decision making and full following through!
[the next scene shows the Ally is now drunk standing on the bar making another toast]
Ally Darling: To twenty!
[she ends up dancing at the bar and the next scene opens with her in bed with her ex-boss]
[Ally calls her sister after finding her ex-boss next to her, butt naked]
Ally Darling: I slept with my ex-boss!
Daisy Darling: Carole?
Ally Darling: No! The job I just got fired from!
Daisy Darling: You got fired?
Ally Darling: This is your fault!
Daisy Darling: When I tried to get you to leave the bar last night, you spit on me. But congratulations! You said twenty is your husband and now you’re at twenty.
Ally Darling: Shut up.
Daisy Darling: I have to admit, I just did not think it was going to happen this quickly, but I’m so excited.
[turning to her fiancée]
Daisy Darling: Hey, Eddie. Ally’s going to get married!
Eddie Vogel: Great!
Daisy Darling: He’s thrilled.
Ally Darling: Now you’re just being a bitch. But maybe he is my husband. Maybe it’s fate! Now I’ve got a great story to tell our grand kids.
[Ally turns and looks at her ex-boss, who’s getting dressed]
Ally Darling: I don’t know why I never considered him before.
[as she watches her ex-boss getting dressed, she sees him stick his hands down his pants and sniff his fingers]
Ally Darling: He’s not my husband.
[as Ally is trying to get rid of her ex-boss he neighbor knocks at her front door]
Colin Shea: I’ve locked myself out of my apartment with my keys and, well, everything is over there. Can I use your phone?
Ally Darling: Sure, of course. Let me just get that.
[to Roger, her ex-boss]
Ally Darling: Hey, Roger, why don’t we talk later? Because I think 6A really needs my help.
[Colin turns to Roger]
Colin Shea: Hi.
Roger: Nice to meet you.
[Colin holds out his hand and Rogers shakes it with the hand that he’s just put down his pants, Ally smiles to herself as she sees this]
[as Ally is trying to give her phone to Colin, Roger grabs hold of her]
Roger: So how about some dinner tonight?
Ally Darling: Tonight, tonight?
Roger: Mm.
[Colin, sensing Ally wants out of this situation, interject]
Colin Shea: Oh, we have that, uh, tenants meeting tonight.
Ally Darling: Oh, that’s right! Tenants meeting. Oh, we’re trying to get this very large bird evicted. But, um, why don’t I call you later and we’ll figure out, uh, maybe another time that we can get together, uh…
Roger: Okay.
[as Roger is about to leave her turns, picks Ally up and kisses her hard on the mouth]
[after Roger leaves as Ally is about to close her door she sees a woman come out of Colin’s apartment]
Ally Darling: Hey, do you think the woman coming out of your apartment could have helped you with the being locked out problem?
Colin Shea: Uh, okay. Uh, I had a little situation that I needed to get out of, not unlike your situation here. So I…
Ally Darling: Lied to her, then lied to me.
Colin Shea: I look at it as trying to avoid her feelings.
[referring to her sculptures]
Colin Shea: Wow, this is pretty cool. Where do you get this?
Ally Darling: I made it.
Colin Shea: No shit?
Ally Darling: Shit. Listen, I don’t want to have anything to do with your crusade to sleep with every woman in Boston, okay? They’re kind of like my sisters.
Colin Shea: Wow, I thought you’d be cooler than this. I saw that toast you made on YouTube, it seemed like you had a good sense of humor.
Ally Darling: Those bitches put my toast up on YouTube? How did you see it already?
Colin Shea: Oh, I get everybody in the building on Google Alert. I come from a family of cops, so it’s in my nature to dig up dirt. The guy in 4D, tried to marry his dog.
Ally Darling: No! Bandit?
Colin Shea: Oh, yeah.
[he checks through her front door peephole to see if the coast is clear]
Colin Shea: Alright. Well, looks like the coast is clear. Thank you, you’re a peach.
Ally Darling: You’re a pig.
[Colin smiles and leaves]
[as Ally is tasting cakes for Daisy’s wedding]
Daisy Darling: That’s enough. I think the idea it’s just to taste them.
Ally Darling: Why? Nobody’s ever going to see me naked again. Might as well enjoy myself.
Daisy Darling: Oh, yeah! Like you’re really going to be celibate.
Ally Darling: I don’t have a choice, I said I was going to stop at twenty. Now I have to accept finger smelling fuck as my twenty. Just promise me you’re not going to put me at the singles table with mom, please.
Daisy Darling: Sitting is really complicated.
[Ally spots a guy she used to date walking into the cake shop]
Ally Darling: That’s Disgusting Donald! I dated him.
Daisy Darling: Did I ever meet him?
Ally Darling: No! Nobody did. He’s the reason I learned to cook.
[she has flashback to when she was living with Donald who was very overweight]
Daisy Darling: That’s guy’s not disgusting at all. He’s actually kind of cute.
Ally Darling: I know, but I really think it’s him.
Daisy Darling: Alright. Well, go say hi and see.
[after finding out the guy in the cake ship is Disgusting Donald]
Disgusting Donald: Oh, Ally, please meet my fiancée, Cara. This is Ally.
Cara: Hi, nice to meet you.
Ally Darling: You too. Wow! So, how did you guys meet?
Cara: Oh, at a conference.
[they look at each other and kiss]
Disgusting Donald: I mean, can you believe it? She’s a rocket scientist.
Cara: No, I’m not.
Disgusting Donald: Yes, you are.
Cara: I’m actually just an engineer, but he loves to say that. You know, I’m not the typical…
Ally Darling: Oh, I get it!
Disgusting Donald: Ally and I are old friends.
[to Ally]
Disgusting Donald: What are you doing here?
Ally Darling: Oh, I’m just tasting some cake for my wedding.
Disgusting Donald: Wow!
Ally Darling: I’m marrying a scientist too. Yeah, he doesn’t look smart either. I’m here with my sister, because, um, he’s up in the North Pole dealing with a whole ice cap situation.
Disgusting Donald: Oh.
Ally Darling: Yeah, he’s probably going to fix it.
[as they leave the cake shop]
Ally Darling: I can’t believe that he said that we were just friends! Like I was the embarrassment, he had man boobs! Big hairy ones! God, I can’t believe that’s the same guy, he looks so good now. He even looks taller.
Daisy Darling: A lot of men get better with age. I mean, you said yourself, Eddie used to be a total douche. People change.
Ally Darling: You’re right. Daisy, you’re a genius. I don’t know how to be celibate or go over twenty.
Daisy Darling: What do you mean?
Ally Darling: Donald can’t be my only ex who’s gotten better with time. Oh, okay! Love you.
[she kisses Daisy and leaves]
[Ally hears Colin opening his front door and she sees him naked, except for a towel in front of his crotch]
Ally Darling: Hi!
Colin Shea: Morning, 6E.
Ally Darling: Hey, um, I see that you have company, but I just want to ask you a really quick question. Remember how you said you were good at digging up dirt? Do you think that maybe I could pay you to find some people for me?
Colin Shea: Sweetheart, if I’m going to help you, you got to give me more info than that.
Ally Darling: Just some guys that I’ve dated.
Colin Shea: Oh, you have herpes. That’s not a phone call to make.
Ally Darling: No, I don’t know. I just, I think that one of these guys might be worth a second look.
[Colin walks over to Ally and takes the towel he had in front of him to wipe his mouth as he eats an apple]
Colin Shea: No, I refuse to be a part of this crazy. I don’t know why these guys broke up with you and I need to protect them.
Ally Darling: Wait, why are you suddenly all broke up with me?
Colin Shea: Because you seem like the type of girl who tries to make a bad thing work.
Ally Darling: Some people call that optimism.
Colin Shea: I call it crazy.
[she turns and walks back towards her apartment]
Ally Darling: I’m sorry I asked. I knew you’d be a jerk.
Colin Shea: Well, don’t be mad. It doesn’t mean I won’t sleep with you.
Ally Darling: Oh, gross!
[after Ally rescues Colin from getting away from the latest woman he’s slept with]
Ally Darling: You help me track down my ex’s, I’ll help you escape yours.
Colin Shea: What happened to protecting your sisters?
Ally Darling: If those girls can’t see you coming, they deserve what they get.
Colin Shea: Wow, Jesus! This place really goes on and on, doesn’t it?
Ally Darling: And, you can use my apartment to hide in.
Ally Darling: So, here’s all the info I have on the guys. Names, most recent phone numbers… Hey!
[she sees Colin is ignoring her and checking out the girl in the sandwich shop]
Ally Darling: Addresses. Find out who’s alive, single and still on the East Coast. Okay? I’ll take a car or a train, but not a plane. I prioritized the list, so start at the top.
[reading from her list]
Colin Shea: Jake Adams. Is that the one that got away?
Ally Darling: Well, something like that. His dad’s name is also Jake Adams, and he owns like half of Boston, so he should be pretty easy to find.
Colin Shea: The Jake Adams? Well, he may not be hard to find, but I guarantee he’s going to be hard to get to. You don’t have a phone number or an address or anything like that?
Ally Darling: If I had that I wouldn’t need you. I do know that Tom Piper is on fast track to becoming a senator. Oh, and move John Kimble to number three. He probably still works at Starbucks, but he’s the best sex I’ve ever had.
Colin Shea: You haven’t had sex with me.
Ally Darling: No, but I have had sex with other overly confident struggling musicians, so I’m good.
Colin Shea: What makes you think I’m a musician?
Ally Darling: Guitar in your apartment, you dress like a horny teenager, I paid for that sandwich. Struggling musician!
Colin Shea: So, I don’t get it. Why go through all this trouble? Why not just find a new guy?
Ally Darling: No. No new guys.
Colin Shea: New is always better than old.
Ally Darling: Of course you’d say that. I bet the longest relationship you’ve ever had is with that sandwich?
[Colin deliberately takes a large bite out of his sandwich and give him a look before walking away]
[as Daisy is trying on her wedding dress]
Sheila: That is a lot of poof.
Daisy Darling: The poof is what I like about it.
Sheila: But don’t you want to have wedding night sex with your dress still on?
Daisy Darling: I don’t know, do I?
Katie: Yeah. Naughty bride, you do.
Sheila: I’m just concerned that with all those layers he’s not going to be able to find your vagina.
Ally Darling: Good point.
Sheila: I mean, forget about sixty-nines.
Eileen: Oh, she’s not going to sixty-nine!
Sheila: Why not?
Eileen: Because, she’s a grown up. Sixty-nines are for when you’re seventeen and you’re trying to cram everything at once before your parents get home.
Katie: Thank you. Matt is always trying to do that, and I say, let’s just take turns. What’s the rush?
Daisy Darling: Are you tracking down all your ex-boyfriends, so you don’t have to go over twenty?
Eileen: What?
Ally Darling: Think about it, you know if it works out with one of these guys, that means a whole period of my life won’t have been a waste.
Daisy Darling: Yep, but it didn’t work out with any of those guys because they were all wrong for you.
Eileen: Dave Hansen? Isn’t that the magician you dated?
[Ally has flashback to when she was dating David the magician, and how he was always producing coins at every opportunity]
[meets Colin at a bar after he’s found one of Ally’s ex’s, David Hansen]
Ally Darling: Wow, you work fast!
Colin Shea: Well, this one was easy. He has his own website, super-sexy-magic-dot-com.
Ally Darling: Well, I’m sure I’ll be able to find him. So you can scoot and skedaddle.
Colin Shea: And miss the show?
[Colin points to where David is working behind a bar hitting on a woman with coin magic trick]
Ally Darling: Nope! I’m done here.
[Ally walks off]
[after Ally’s seen her ex, David Hansen and leaves the bar]
Colin Shea: That’s it? Why? Because he’s a bartender?
Ally Darling: No, because he’s still a bartender. That’s exactly where he was nine years ago, an out of work magician, sleeps till noon, bartends till three and goes around pulling money out of people. He keeps your quarter, by the way.
Colin Shea: So what? You could have had some fun for old times sake.
Ally Darling: No, even if it didn’t raise my number, I can’t afford to waste anymore time on guys like him.
Colin Shea: Wait, wait, wait! That’s what this is about? You don’t want to raise your number. That’s why you won’t sleep with me?
Ally Darling: No. There’s a lot of reasons why I won’t sleep with you.
Colin Shea: No, there’s not.
Colin Shea: I don’t know why you care so much about your number anyway.
Ally Darling: You guys all have this ideal girl in your minds, and if our number gets too high, we can’t be that girl.
Colin Shea: The ideal girl. Tell me about her.
Ally Darling: You know, you can take her home to the family, she’s smart, but not smarter than you, and she bakes apple pies with your mom and place catch with your handicap sister. But then when you’re alone, she takes off her glasses and puts on a vinyl cat suit and fucks you sideways.
Colin Shea: That girl doesn’t exist, if she did, I’d be sleeping with her. And what kind of guy cares about how many people you slept with anyway?
Ally Darling: Decent guys.
[after Ally wakes up to find Colin sleeping on her couch]
Ally Darling: Hey, what are you doing?
Colin Shea: Waiting for Amy to leave.
Ally Darling: You hooked up with someone last night after I left you?
Colin Shea: Hooking up sounds so crass. We shared a romantic experience, and then I told her I had an early dentist appointment and I’m hiding on your couch till she leaves.
Ally Darling: Well, maybe you could use this downtime to do some actual work.
Colin Shea: I am working. I set up a Facebook account for you.
Ally Darling: I don’t want to be on Facebook. What picture did you use?
Colin Shea: The one I just took of you sleeping. I think this is going to be better while you’re looking for them, they can be looking for you.
Ally Darling: Fine, but I refuse to tweet.
Colin Shea: Ooh, number fourteen, Evan Slater, has friend requested you. He’s tagged you in a photo and he’s suggested you become fan of Tito’s Tacos.
Ally Darling: Oh, I liked Evan.
Colin Shea: Yeah, who doesn’t like tacos?
[Ally goes and sits next to Colin and looks at Evan’s Facebook page]
Ally Darling: He’s adorable.
[then she sees the picture of him with his wife and kids]
Ally Darling: And so are his wife and kids.
Colin Shea: Well, he clearly doesn’t understand what Facebook is for.
Ally Darling: You know if you don’t start taking this job more seriously you’re fired from using my apartment. Where’s my coffee pot?
Colin Shea: I broke it. If you were on Twitter you’d know that already.
[referring to the coffee pot she’s just bought to replace the one Colin broke earlier]
Ally Darling: You owe me nineteen ninety five.
Colin Shea: How about I pay you in Chinese food? I ordered Charlie Chiang’s.
Ally Darling: Did you get the itty bitty spare ribs?
[Colin holds up a rib with his chop stick]
Ally Darling: Okay, I’ll be there in five minutes.
[as Ally and Colin go through the list of her ex-boyfriends]
Ally Darling: Anything on Jake Adams yet?
Colin Shea: No, I’m sorry. I told you, rich people are very good at protecting their privacy. Just be patient, we’ll find him.
[looking at the list of her ex-boyfriends]
Colin Shea: What about Simon Forester? He’s separated and his house just went on the market, so I’m guessing a divorce is right around the corner.
Ally Darling: Oh, okay. Let’s start with Simon.
Colin Shea: Simon.
Ally Darling: Okay, so what’s my plan? A guy getting a divorce…
[she thinks for a moment]
Ally Darling: I could find out who his lawyer is and get a job there as his assistant.
Colin Shea: Or, we keep it simple and you just go look at his open house.
Ally Darling: Oh.
[as they walk to Simon’s house]
Colin Shea: So the challenge of the newly divorced guy is that he’s just looking to have fun. What you got to do is give him the best sex of his life. He can’t realize that he’s falling in love with you until it’s too late.
Ally Darling: So I’m covering up the fact that I’m marriage material with amazing sex?
Colin Shea: Yeah. How’s your blow job?
Ally Darling: What?
Colin Shea: Relax, this is business. I’m trying to help you.
Ally Darling: Well, if you must know, it’s pretty good. It’s the hand job I haven’t quite figured out yet.
Colin Shea: Well, I guarantee you he has. So skip it.
[referring to Simon’s house]
Colin Shea: Alright, I guess this is it. Ready?
Ally Darling: Yeah.
[as Simon spots Ally outside his house, Ally tries to get rid of Colin]
Simon: Ally Darling? Is that you?
[suddenly Ally starts speaking in an English accent]
Ally Darling: Simon! I can’t believe it! What are the chances?
[Colin look at her with surprise and starts laughing]
Simon: It’s brilliant to see you.
Colin Shea: It is brilliant.
Ally Darling: Simon, this is my neighbor, Colin. But he has to go now.
Colin Shea: No, I don’t.
Simon: Oh, pleasure.
Colin Shea: No. No. The pleasure’s all mine.
[Colin shakes hands with Simon]
Simon: Wow, it’s great to see you. Did you look this good when we were dating?
Ally Darling: Oh, well, I had a fringe back then.
[turning to Colin]
Ally Darling: That’s bangs, fringe is bangs.
[to Simon]
Ally Darling: Americans!
Simon: They’re showing my house, so I’ve got to disappear for an hour or so. But do you fancy grabbing a pint?
Ally Darling: Smashing!
[turning to Colin]
Ally Darling: Cheerio, Colin.
[after her drink with Simon, she returns to her apartment where Colin is waiting for her]
Ally Darling: Cross Simon off the list.
Colin Shea: What happened?
Ally Darling: Well, my British accent was a little rusty and half way through darts I started sounding like Eliza Doolittle.
[Ally has flashback with Simon in the pub where her English accent got worse]
Simon: So, you were saying you got sacked.
Ally Darling: Yep. Losing me job wasn’t the end of the world. Still got me mates and a roof over me head. I don’t need much. Just a room somewhere, far away from the cold night air.
[back with Colin recalling her disastrous date with Simon]
Ally Darling: And then when I tried to pull out of it, for some reason I panicked and went whole Borat.
[flashback to Ally back with Simon at the pub where she’s now talking like Borat]
Ally Darling: So, I order another round?
Simon: Mm, no. No, I think we better call it a night.
Ally Darling: Oh, no! I talk all the time! I know nothing about you!
[there’s an awkward silence, Ally then starts speaking in a Swedish accent]
Ally Darling: So, what’s next for Svorgen?
[back with Colin]
Colin Shea: Svorgen?
Ally Darling: I turned into this Swedish chef from the Muppets.
Colin Shea: He was my favorite.
Ally Darling: Okay, who else we got?
[looking at her list of ex-boyfriends]
Colin Shea: We got ten possibilities left. Jay, from Club Med Turkoise. I’m trying, but I need more info.
Ally Darling: I’m sorry, it was spring break. Jay may not even be his real name. I’m certainly not Kelly with an I.
Colin Shea: Uh, Barrett Ingold, lives in Miami. I know it’s not geographically desirable, but he is a doctor now.
Ally Darling: I don’t care. I hate Miami. I think too much sun makes people stupid.
Colin Shea: Okay. Uh, how do you feel about Denver. I found the mountain man, and that guy has got a caboose worth relocating for.
Ally Darling: Pass! He always wanted to breath fresh air. Do you know how exhausting it was to pretend to enjoy the outdoors with that kind of enthusiasm?
Colin Shea: More exhausting than pretending to be British?
Ally Darling: I never had to wipe myself with a leaf when I was pretending to be British.
Colin Shea: Touché.
Colin Shea: What about Jerry Perry? He’s a puppeteer, so he’s single.
[she has flashback to when she first met Jerry and had sex with him with his puppet looking at them]
Ally Darling: I don’t want to go out with Jerry Perry. Where is Jake Adams?
Colin Shea: Ouagadougou.
What? Where the hell is that?
Colin Shea: Africa. He runs his family philanthropic foundation and he’s overseeing the construction of a school there.
Colin Shea: If he was so perfect, why didn’t it work out in the first place?
Ally Darling: Well we made this pact that we would lose our virginity to each other, but Jake went abroad in junior year and while he was gone, I broke the pact.
Colin Shea: With who? Which one of the twenty could have possibly been better than Jake Adams? And why aren’t we looking for him?
Ally Darling: You already found him.
Colin Shea: Jerry Perry? You lost your virginity to the puppeteer?
[Colin starts laughing]
Ally Darling: I know! I felt bad for him.
Colin Shea: Oh, Ally, I underestimated you. That’s amazing. That’s my new favorite thing about you.
[after Ally blurts out to her mom that Daisy has invited their father to her wedding]
Daisy Darling: You have to fix this.
Ally Darling: I’ll talk to her when I get back.
Daisy Darling: Where are you going?
Ally Darling: Miami, for a Pap smear.
Daisy Darling: Why?
Ally Darling: Do you remember Barrett Ingold?
Daisy Darling: The guy who threw up in our dishwasher?
Ally Darling: Yeah, he’s a gynecologist now.
Daisy Darling: But you hate Miami.
Ally Darling: I know, but I’m not having as much luck as I’d hope locally and I’m running out of time, money and viable eggs.
Daisy Darling: So, you’re telling me that tracking down your ex-boyfriends is more important than helping me plan my wedding?
Ally Darling: I know it sounds stupid to you, but it is important. I feel like everyone else is moving on with their lives but me.
Daisy Darling: Ally, I’m all for moving on, I really am, but it just feels like this quest you’re on is a little nuts.
Ally Darling: You know what? If you hadn’t given your ex-boyfriend a second chance, you wouldn’t even be having a wedding! Besides, I need a Pap smear and he takes my insurance.
[she turns to leave]
Ally Darling: I’m late for my spray tan!
[as Ally is gets ready for her Pap smear, Barrett walks into the room]
Dr. Barrett Ingold: Hello, Alison.
Ally Darling: Barrett? Oh, my God! Is that you?
[Barrett looks blankly at Ally, not recognizing her]
Dr. Barrett Ingold: Hi.
Ally Darling: It’s Ally. Ally Darling.
Dr. Barrett Ingold: Oh, yeah. From spinning.
Ally Darling: No!
Dr. Barrett Ingold: From, oh! Greg’s Birthday party.
Ally Darling: We went to college together.
[Barrett looks at her blankly again]
Ally Darling: We dated.
Dr. Barrett Ingold: Oh! How about that? Well, that was a long time ago. So let’s see how things are going now. Can you scooch?
[he puts her legs up and starts examining her and suddenly he remembers her]
Dr. Barrett Ingold: Ally! Of course.
[back at her apartment building after returning back from visiting Barrett in Miami]
Ally Darling: He recognized my vagina! What’s going on down there? I got to say, I’m a little freaked out.
Colin Shea: Well, I’d be happy to take a look for you.
Ally Darling: Oh, I used all my miles for that! Cross Barrett off the list. You know what? Cross the list off the list! What am I doing? Unemployed! Spending every last dime trying to track down these assholes who already broke up with me once. Maybe I should just quit.
Colin Shea: Well that’s too bad, because I found Tom Piper.
Ally Darling: Keep talking.
Colin Shea: He’s in D.C., like you said, he’s working as an aid for Senator Mitchell.
Ally Darling: I don’t have anything that a politicians wife would wear.
[she thinks for a moment]
Ally Darling: Ooh! I do have a store credit for Ann Taylor. Huh!
[as Ally returns to her apartment she sees Colin sat naked, with only his guitar covering him, next to Daisy on the couch]
Ally Darling: Jesus! Tell me you’re not naked on my couch next to my sister.
[Colin moves his guitar up from his lap to reveal that he’s wearing boxer shorts]
Daisy Darling: Thankfully he doesn’t like to play without his underwear. The guitar gets cold against his penis.
Ally Darling: So, you two have met. Hey, remember Tom Piper? Colin found him in D.C., so I’m going there tomorrow, wearing this!
[she takes out a grey suit from her shopping bag]
Ally Darling: I’m so excited!
Colin Shea: Then why would you wear a pant suit?
Daisy Darling: Don’t you have your interview at Chefield and Bloom tomorrow?
Ally Darling: That’s the beauty of a pant suit! You know? It works for both a super boring interview and for an accidental-on-purpose encounter with my future husband.
Colin Shea: Hey, did you ever try and sell those freaky little sculptures you make?
Daisy Darling: No, she needs a real job.
Ally Darling: Oh, yeah. Those are just a hobby.
Colin Shea: I think they’re amazing. You should try, not everyone can do that, you know.
Daisy Darling: Excuse me, would you mind giving me and Ally a little bit of privacy please.
Ally Darling: She has to poo.
Daisy Darling: Ally!
Ally Darling: Hey, hasn’t your lady friend left yet?
Colin Shea: Uh, no. I guess this one’s a late sleeper.
Daisy Darling: Wait, are you, is he hiding out here because there’s a woman in his apartment?
Colin Shea: He is.
Daisy Darling: That’s it. I’m going to Anthony’s Bakery. Excuse me.
Colin Shea: You want to grab me a cannoli?
[Daisy gets up and walks out of the apartment]
Colin Shea: No?
[after Ally gets rid of one Colin’s one night stands]
Ally Darling: Hey, wouldn’t it be easier if you just spent the night at their apartment and left in the morning like a normal guy?
Colin Shea: No. I once stayed in a relationship with a girl because of a picture she had on her bedside table. It was her, dressed as Cinderella on her fifth Birthday.
[pointing to the pillow by his bed]
Colin Shea: Grab that.
Ally Darling: So?
Colin Shea: So, every time I tried to split with her, I’d picture that little girl in the blue dress, happy, excited about Monty, her new gerbil, who she would later kill by accidently putting him in the drier. I just couldn’t break that little girl’s heart.
Ally Darling: So you’re saying it’s easier to sleep with girls and never call them again if you don’t know anything about them? Kind of like a serial killer.
Colin Shea: Yeah, I guess so.
[as Ally is about to find Tom Piper in Washington she bumps into Donald]
Ally Darling: Donald!
Disgusting Donald: Ally! What are you doing here?
Ally Darling: Visiting my fiancée.
Disgusting Donald: Your fiancée who was at the North Pole?
Ally Darling: Yep. He’s back. Pierre is back.
Disgusting Donald: [sarcastically] Wow! Pierre just happens to be in Washington D.C. at the same time that I have a conference?
Ally Darling: Yep. He is meeting with the President.
Disgusting Donald: Ooh, what a coincidence?
Ally Darling: I know! It’s crazy, isn’t it?
Disgusting Donald: Yep, it is. It’s exactly what it is. Okay.
[he turns and walks off]
[talking to Colin on the phone in her hotel room after meeting Tom Piper]
Ally Darling: Oh, my God! He’s taking me to this party tonight. I offered to stay at the Best Western, but he insisted on putting me up at the Omni!
Colin Shea: He dropped you off at the hotel and didn’t come up for ‘it’s good to see you sex’? What did you do to turn him off?
Ally Darling: Nothing. He’s a gentleman.
Colin Shea: You wore that pant suit, didn’t you?
Ally Darling: That pant suit is sexy. It’s very Katharine Hepburn.
Colin Shea: Alright, let’s clear something up right now. Katharine Hepburn was not sexy. Audrey Hepburn was sexy. Katharine Hepburn was a dude.
Ally Darling: Well, Tom is just a good guy. Besides, you wouldn’t know a gentleman if he tiptoed up behind you and tickled your balls.
[someone knocks on her door and she answers it as she’s talking to Colin to find a hotel staff delivering a box to her]
Ally Darling: Oh! I just got a present! Oh! He just sent over the most beautiful dress I’ve ever seen! I feel like Cinderella!
Colin Shea: Be careful. If you’re not home by midnight, it might turn into a pant suit.
[as Ally walks towards him, walking awkwardly as the dress she’s wearing is too tight]
Tom Piper: Wow! Look at you.
Ally Darling: You don’t think it’s a little small?
[Tom laughs]
Tom Piper: I’m sorry. It was hard to tell what was going on underneath the pant suit. Uh, perfect. You ready?
Ally Darling: Okay.
Tom Piper: I can’t believe Senator Phillips and his wife were talking to us for like fifteen minutes!
Ally Darling: I know!
Tom Piper: He didn’t even know my name before tonight, now he wants to hear my ideas about the tobacco reform bill.
Ally Darling: And she wants to take me out to lunch! Some place with popovers!
[Tom laughs]
Tom Piper: We make a great team. With you by my side, we could own this town.
Ally Darling: We could totally own it.
Tom Piper: I mean it, Ally. I have my eyes on a senate seat and then the presidency. Now if tonight is an indication, I think together we could go all the way.
Ally Darling: Oh, let’s do it!
Tom Piper: So we’re doing it?
Ally Darling: Yeah! What are we doing?
Tom Piper: We’re getting married!
Ally Darling: Oh!
Tom Piper: Yeah!
Ally Darling: Well, maybe we should kiss first and see how that goes.
Tom Piper: Kiss? No, Ally, no! I want you to be my beard. I’m gay.
Ally Darling: What?
Tom Piper: I’m gay, like, super gay. Like one down here, one here, one here, one here gay. I thought you knew that. America’s ready for a black president, not ready for a gay black president. And we have history. Ally, I mean, I wouldn’t have known I was gay if I hadn’t dated you. So what do you say?
Ally Darling: Can I get back to you?
[Ally returns home dejected, and finds Colin in her apartment]
Ally Darling: What are you doing here? I’m not depressed enough to sleep with you.
Colin Shea: Close your eyes.
Ally Darling: That won’t help.
[Ally closes her eyes]
Colin Shea: And open them.
[he surprises her with some lit displays for her sculptures that he has set up]
Colin Shea: What do you think?
[Ally looks speechless]
Colin Shea: My wiring is a little spotty, every time these go on, your bathroom light burns out, but I think it’s worth it.
Ally Darling: What did you do?
Colin Shea: I think it really brings out the detail, you know?
[referring to one of her sculptures]
Colin Shea: I never noticed Louis’ gold tooth before. I named him Louis by the way.
Ally Darling: I can’t believe it. This is amazing.
Colin Shea: Yeah, well, you sounded depressed on the phone, so. You hungry?
Ally Darling: I’m starving.
Colin Shea: So I got good news. I found Julie from college, she is a man now and she’s single. She’s cute. Looks like Ralph Macchio.
[Ally smiles]
Ally Darling: You know what? Even if he were straight, it wouldn’t have worked anyway. You got to be a lady to be the first lady, and I ain’t no lady.
Colin Shea: You’re a lady. You’re lots of lady. You’re once, twice, twenty times a lady.
[Colin then starts playing and singing her a song on his guitar and she starts dancing to it]
[after dancing to Colin’s song]
Ally Darling: Wow! Oh, shit! I need to lie down or throw up.
Colin Shea: You okay?
Ally Darling: Yeah. No. I have to go to my sister’s wedding alone.
Colin Shea: I’ll go with you.
Ally Darling: You’d do that?
Colin Shea: Yeah. Why not?
Ally Darling: Well, thanks. I really appreciate that. I still think I’m going to throw up.
Colin Shea: Let’s get some air.
[after they enter Madison Square Garden]
Colin Shea: Ever played a horse in the garden?
Ally Darling: No.
[she takes the basketball and shoots it straight in the net]
Ally Darling: But I have played horse.
Colin Shea: Okay. Okay.
[he shoots the basketball and misses the net]
Ally Darling: Oh, no! H for you my friend.
[Colin sits and starts taking his shoes off]
Ally Darling: What are doing?
Colin Shea: We’re playing strip horse. Is there another kind?
Ally Darling: There’s the kind where you keep your clothes on.
Colin Shea: What’s fun about that? Alright, H.
Ally Darling: Backboard.
[they start shooting hoops, Ally shoots the ball in the net every time but Colin keeps missing and strips down to his shorts, Ally then finally misses and has to take off her dress]
Ally Darling: This is not fair. I miss one shot and then I’m almost totally naked.
Colin Shea: Well, that’s the game.
Ally Darling: Well, the game’s changing. It’s now one on one.
[as they start playing, the security guard enters and they make a run for it leaving her red dress on the basketball net]
[after leaving Madison Square Garden]
Colin Shea: I think that dress is going to look good on him.
Ally Darling: It’s a good thing you can play the guitar, because you suck at basketball.
Colin Shea: Well, you can’t be good at everything. It just wouldn’t be fair.
Ally Darling: And I can’t believe that you can play Lionel Richie!
Colin Shea: I can play a lot of things.
Ally Darling: So, how come you don’t make a living at it? You’re really good.
Colin Shea: Uh, I want to play my own music.
Ally Darling: Don’t you worry about paying the rent? I don’t love marketing, but…
Colin Shea: What do you love?
Ally Darling: I love making those freaky little sculptures, but I’m not going to make any money at that.
Colin Shea: How do you know? You’ve never tried.
Ally Darling: I’ve never jumped into the harbor either. It doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea.
Colin Shea: I think it’s a great idea. I think it’s the best idea you’ve ever had.
Ally Darling: No!
Colin Shea: Yes.
Ally Darling: No!
Colin Shea: Yes.
Ally Darling: No!
Colin Shea: Yes! We are going to jump in the harbor!
[Colin start taking his clothes off and running towards the edge of the harbor]
Ally Darling: No. No. No. No! God! No!
Colin Shea: Let’s do it!
[they both get naked, hold hands and jump into the water]
Ally Darling: Holy fuck! This is fucking cold!
Colin Shea: This is the worst idea you’ve ever had!
[returning to her apartment after their naked swim in the harbor]
Ally Darling: I can’t believe you finally got me naked.
Colin Shea: Well, my shirt does look good on you.
Ally Darling: Good, because I’m keeping it.
Colin Shea: No, you’re not. I can’t afford to lose anymore shirts. Women are always stealing my shirts.
Ally Darling: Women aren’t always stealing your shirts. They’re borrowing them, fully intending to give them back, but you never call.
Colin Shea: So you’re saying, if I had fewer one night stands, I’ll have more shirts.
Ally Darling: I think so.
[he comes up close to her]
Colin Shea: Well then that settles it. I’m changing my ways.
[he starts unbuttoning the shirt she’s wearing]
Colin Shea: And I’m not going to lose anymore shirts.
Ally Darling: Really?
Colin Shea: Really. In fact, I think I’m going to take this one back right now.
Ally Darling: Good for you.
[suddenly they grab each other and start kissing]
[as they start making out on her bed]
Ally Darling: I have to slow down.
Colin Shea: Okay. Okay, that’s fine.
Colin Shea: What if I just put it in a little bit. It won’t even count.
Ally Darling: Eileen says it counts.
Colin Shea: What about, like that much?
[he holds out his hands to indicate a length]
Colin Shea: That’s nothing. You won’t even feel it. I understand, that’s fine. But I am going to keep kissing you.
[Ally wakes up to find Colin sleeping next to her, as she reaches for her brush on the bedside table Colin opens his eyes]
Colin Shea: Hi.
Ally Darling: Hi.
Colin Shea: You look so beautiful in the morning.
Ally Darling: I do?
Colin Shea: Yeah.
Eileen: We want to hear about D.C. Did you go to the Holocaust Museum.
Ally Darling: No, but that would have been more fun.
Daisy Darling: So there were no sparks with Tom?
Katie: Tom? What happened to Jake? I thought you were looking for Jake.
Ally Darling: Jake’s in Africa and Tom’s gay, but it’s okay, because Colin is going to be my date for the wedding.
Eileen: Is that the guy who answered your cell phone and got mad at me for waking him up at two o’clock in the afternoon?
Ally Darling: Yeah. I took his phone by mistake.
Daisy Darling: You invited Colin, your rapey neighbor?
Ally Darling: Do we call him that?
Katie: Just behind your back.
Ally Darling: Okay, well, let’s stop. Because he’s actually a pretty good guy.
Daisy Darling: Oh, Ally.
Ally Darling: What?
Daisy Darling: You slept with him.
Katie: Oh, no!
Ally Darling: I did not. I didn’t!
Eileen: Good. Don’t. Because he’s not the kind of guy you end up with. He’s the kind of guy you date before the guy you end up with.
Ally Darling: How do you know? You haven’t even met him.
Eileen: I don’t have to meet him. I’ve had sex with him, except his name is Doug, and he’s a fucking liar!
Daisy Darling: Well, I have met him, and he’s dangerously sexy. And if he wanted to come in through the back door, you’d let him.
Katie: Don’t let him, Ally.
Ally Darling: You guys don’t need to worry. I’m not going to let him in any door. He’s just a friend who’s doing me a favor.
[after Ally finds that Colin had found Jake from the text messages on his phone]
Ally Darling: Hey, so, just out of curiosity. Did you ever hear anything from Jake?
Colin Shea: Nope.
Ally Darling: Really? Not a phone call? Nothing?
Colin Shea: Nope.
Ally Darling: Okay. Well, uh, I’m kind of busy right now, so I guess I’ll just see you later.
[she drops his phone onto his lap]
Colin Shea: Shit. Ally, wait! Wait. Wait.
Ally Darling: Just go. I don’t want to hear anymore lies.
Colin Shea: Alright. Yes, Jake is back in town and I do have his number, but I didn’t think that mattered now.
Ally Darling: Would you please just go.
Colin Shea: What about last night?
Ally Darling: I think we should just forget about last night.
Colin Shea: Because of Jake?
Ally Darling: No. Because you’re not the kind of guy I’m supposed to end up with.
Colin Shea: What kind of guy am I, Ally?
Ally Darling: You’re the kind of guy you date before you meet the guy you end up with, and I’ve already dated twenty of you.
Colin Shea: So you’re going to try and make it work with Jake, a guy you haven’t seen in years, just so you don’t go over the number twenty?
Ally Darling: It’s not just about the number anymore, okay?
Colin Shea: Well then, what it is?
Ally Darling: It’s what I want!
Colin Shea: You don’t know what you want, Ally! You’re so busy trying to be what everyone else wants you to be, you don’t know who you are.
Ally Darling: At least I have relationships! You can’t even hang out with a woman for twenty four hours without sleeping with her!
Colin Shea: That was true until I met you!
Ally Darling: Well, I’m sure that if we had slept together, you’d be long gone by now. Because that’s who you are, Colin, and that’s who you’ll always be.
Colin Shea: Alright. Whatever you say, Ally. You obviously have it all figured out.
[he leaves her apartment and walks over to his own, just as he’s about to go into his apartment]
Ally Darling: And I do know who I am! I’m someone who’s not going to let another undeserving asshole into my heart! Or my vagina!
[leaving a voice message for Jake Adams]
Ally Darling: Hi, Jake Adams. It’s Ally! Ally Darling, from high school. Go Vikings! Um, I came across your number, and, uh, and I thought, wow! I should really call Jake, and leave him a long rambling message on his voice mail. Um, anyway, if you’re feeling up to it, uh, you can give me a call anytime. Um, my number is 61755…
[she suddenly hiccups]
Ally Darling: Oh, my God! I just hiccupped. I’m sorry. Uh, 61755…
[she hiccups again]
Ally Darling: Alright, okay. Um, my number is 6175550192, okay. Bye.
[she hangs up and hiccups again; to herself]
Ally Darling: Well, who doesn’t call that girl back?
[Ally is in wedding dress shop with her sister, talking about Jake Adams after her date with him]
Ally Darling: Did I tell you that he speaks four different languages? But he’s so not obnoxious about it. And he’s still so God damn handsome and he smells so fucking good, it’s crazy! He’s taking me to a gala at The Institute of Contemporary Art, and then I think we’re going to go…
[Daisy comes out of the changing room with her new wedding dress on]
Ally Darling: Woh! That’s not your dress.
Daisy Darling: Yeah. Yeah, I know. I just, um, yeah, I just like this one better. Because there’s just, you know, it’s more comfortable, there’s just more room to eat and to move and to dance.
Ally Darling: Okay.
Daisy Darling: I couldn’t breathe in my other dress. A bride should be able to breath in her own fucking dress! I’m sorry. I just am feeling really stressed out right now, because I don’t know how I’m going to convince mom to come to my wedding, because our dad is bringing our new mommy and she’s not…
[as Daisy starts to break down]
Ally Darling: Stop. I will go with you to talk to mom, and you don’t even have to trick me. Okay? Now, are you sure you can breathe in this dress?
[Daisy nods her head]
Ally Darling: Okay, then do that.
[as Ally and Daisy visit their mom to tell her about their dad coming to the wedding]
Ava Darling: I don’t believe you. When were you planning to tell me about all this?
Ally Darling: Uh, now.
Daisy Darling: That’s why we’re here, mom.
Ava Darling: I have to read about it in a magazine! You and Jake Adams! Are you an item?
Ally Darling: Yes.
[Ally’s mom squeals]
Ally Darling: Did you just squeal, mom?
Ava Darling: Well, I don’t know. I’m out of my body right now. Is it serious?
Ally Darling: It could be, but we’re taking it slow.
Ava Darling: Do you really have that luxury?
Ally Darling: I want to make sure that it’s right.
Ava Darling: Oh, it doesn’t get anymore right than Jake Adams. This is your life, Ally. Don’t get creative. Oh, when I saw you two in that magazine, I went and found some old photographs. Just look at this!
[she brings them a photo of Jake and Ally taken when they were young]
Ava Darling: I knew he was the one. Tell me, Ally, is he going to be your date to the wedding?
Daisy Darling: Is he, Ally?
[Ally pauses for a moment before replying]
Ally Darling: Yes!
[as Ally leaves her apartment to go to Daisy’s wedding, Colin steps out of his apartment at the same time dressed nicely]
Ally Darling: Fancy meeting you here, dressed all fancy. Where are you off to?
Colin Shea: Uh, a wedding. You too, right? Today is, uh, Daisy’s big day.
Ally Darling: Yeah. Wow. You’re going to a wedding too? That’s weird. Who’s wedding?
Colin Shea: Uh, nobody you know.
[Colin turns and starts walking down the stairs]
Ally Darling: Oh. Is it like a date, or something? Are you seeing somebody?
Colin Shea: Don’t worry about it, Ally.
[Ally looks upset as Colin just keeps on walking down the stairs]
Ally Darling: Don’t drink too much champagne!
[dancing with her dad at Daisy’s wedding]
Mr. Darling: You’re mom only wants what’s best for you, you know.
Ally Darling: I know.
Mr. Darling: Unfortunately she thinks what’s best for you is being exactly like her, only you’re not, Ally. You may have her looks, but you have my rhythm, kid. I’m afraid it’s a little off beat.
Ally Darling: I guess that explains why she’s always disappointed in me.
Mr. Darling: I think it’s hard for her to look at you and see so much of me.
Ally Darling: I think the last time we slow danced was prom night.
Jake Adams: Yeah. Yeah, it was. I remember that. I believe that was also the night where you finally gave me the honor of making you unfit for every other man in the village.
Ally Darling: Oh, boy. I know this isn’t the ideal place to tell you, but I want to be honest. You weren’t my first.
Jake Adams: I wasn’t?
Ally Darling: No. I’m sorry.
Jake Adams: So, you’ve been with two guys in your life. Big deal.
Ally Darling: More like, two times ten.
[thinking she’s joking, Jake starts laughing]
Jake Adams: Right! Like you’ve had sex with twenty guys! Yuck!
Ally Darling: Gross!
Jake Adams: Alright, you know, I may not have been your first, but maybe I’ll be your last.
Ally Darling: Why? Are you going to rape and kill me?
Jake Adams: No. But I’m going to kiss you.
[Jake kisses her but Ally doesn’t look that into it and keeps her eyes open]
[Ally gives her wedding speech]
Ally Darling: When Daisy and Eddie first got together, I have to admit, I was a little bit nervous. I could tell that it was serious, and I thought that the closer she got to him, the further away she’d get from me. But that didn’t happen. Not only do I see more of Daisy, I see a happier, even better Daisy. It’s like with Eddie, she’s completely herself. When you’re a big sister, it’s your job to teach your little sister everything. You know, how to ride a bike, how to lie to your parents, how to kiss. Not with tongues. Settle down, uncle Charlie. But, I never thought about what my little sister could teach me until right now. So I want to thank you, Daisy. Thank you, for teaching me that being in love means being yourself. To Daisy and Eddie!
[after her wedding speech]
Ally Darling: Jake, there actually is something here in Boston that’s really important to me. And as much as I want to travel the world, I’m not sure I want to do it with you. Which is insane, I know, because you’re perfect. But you’re not perfect for me, and I don’t think I’m perfect for you. I’m so sorry, Jake. If I had been honest with myself earlier, or ever, I wouldn’t have put you through all this.
[Jake looks angry]
Jake Adams: Yeah, well, that would have been preferable. Right, I don’t think I’m going to stick around for the cake. Excuse me.
[he walks out of the room]
Ally Darling: It’s really good.
[after Ava sees Jake leaving the wedding]
Ava Darling: Why are you doing this? We were finally happy!
Ally Darling: No! You were finally happy. I don’t want to marry Jake Adams! That’s not who I am. I’m a jobless whore who slept with twenty guys!
Ava Darling: Shh!
Ally Darling: And I want to be with somebody who appreciates that about me. You may not understand me, mom, but you don’t have to. All you have to do is love me. I know that I’m not perfect, but that’s why you have Daisy.
Daisy Darling: My dress is too tight because I’m four months pregnant.
Ally Darling: What?
[she hugs Daisy]
Ally Darling: You’re pregnant?
Daisy Darling: Yes. Now get out of here.
[after Ally heads out to find the wedding that Colin is at, she finally finds him playing at a ritzy wedding, she goes on stage, interrupts his performance, and takes him to a quiet corner]
Colin Shea: What are you doing here, Ally?
Ally Darling: I have a speech that I want to make to you, but I was afraid that I was going to forget it. So I figured it’ll be easier to drive, bike and run across town in my high heels so I could tell you right now.
Colin Shea: What’s the speech?
Ally Darling: Um, well. The gist of it was, I’m sorry.
Colin Shea: That’s it?
Ally Darling: No, wait. There’s more. I, um, I’m happiest when I’m being myself, and I’m myself when I’m with you. That was it. I guess, I was just so afraid that you were another asshole that I became the biggest asshole of all.
Colin Shea: You weren’t an asshole, I was an asshole. I should have given you Jake’s number, I just, I didn’t think I could compete with that.
Ally Darling: There’s no contest. You’re the most decent guy I’ve ever met. I think I love you, twenty one.
Colin Shea: I love you too. Three hundred and…
[she quickly stops him by putting her hand over his mouth]
Ally Darling: No.
[she laughs and they kiss]
[last lines, Ally and Colin are lying in bed, making out, when her phone rings and it goes to voice mail]
Jay: Hey, Kelly! Kelly with an I. What’s up? It’s Jay, from Club Med Turkoise. I got a weird message from your assistant, and I just wanted to let you know, um, we never had sex. Uh, you did this awkward striptease, involving maracas, and then gave me a shitty hand job. It was something you like to do called, dry style. You vomited in my suitcase, and then you passed out in the shower. So, uh, yeah, we never slept together.
[Ally and Colin laugh and Ally starts jumping on the bed]
Ally Darling: You’re number twenty! I’m still at twenty! I can’t believe it! You are number twenty! Yes!
Total Quotes: 85
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