What's Your Number Quotes: By the Numbers Rom-Com

What’s Your Number? Quotes Page  1   2   THE NOVEL

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[first lines; after Ally wakes up early, makes herself up and goes back to bed pretending to wake up at the same time as her boyfriend]
Rick: How come you always look so great in the morning?
Ally Darling: Do I?
[Rick rolls over and goes back to sleep]

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[as Ally serves Rick breakfast]
Ally Darling: Hey, so I was thinking that maybe you’d wanna be my date to my sister’s wedding. There’s a vegetarian alternative, I already checked.
Rick: Are your parents gonna be there?
Ally Darling: At my sister’s wedding? I think so.
Rick: I don’t know, it just feels a little serious.
Ally Darling: Oh, I’m sorry. It just, um…felt kind of serious last night when you were doing me from behind, but I couldn’t see your face, so.

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Rick: You know, if you just wanna hook up, just call me.
Ally Darling: Oh, thank you, Rick. That’s very generous of you.
[Rick turns to leave]
Rick: See you around.
[he turns back to face her again]
Rick: Keep it green.

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[Ally is talking to her sister on the phone whilst walking to work]
Daisy Darling: I could have you it wasn’t gonna work out with Rick two months ago.
Ally Darling: Why?
Daisy Darling: You love meat, you hate cyclists.
Ally Darling: I do love meat.
Daisy Darling: And to be honest, I was a little worried about the way he kept wanting to do it doggy style.
Ally Darling: Some people like that, you know?
Daisy Darling: No, nobody likes it. Even the dogs are just waiting for it to be over.
Ally Darling: How many relationships do I have to have before I meet the right guy?
Daisy Darling: Uh…evidently a lot.

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[at work, Ally is called into her boss’ office]
Roger: Sweetheart, we have to let you go. I’m sorry, but, uh…we had to make some painful cuts.
Ally Darling: Who else is getting fired?
Roger: Well, for now, just you.

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[after getting fired, Ally is riding home on the subway, she reads a magazine article stating the average woman has 10.5 sexual partners in their lifetime]
Ally Darling: Ten point five? Holy shit!
[the woman sat next to her looks at her as makes this outburst]
Ally Darling: I’m sorry. It…it just says here, the average number of lovers women have in their lifetime is ten point five.
Plant Lady: Yeah, that seems very high.
Ally Darling: High? No, that’s low! Ten point five is low!
Plant Lady: Whatever you say.
[Ally looks freaked out and starts making a list of all of the guys she has slept with]

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[Ally arrives at her sister’s pre-wedding party]
Ava Darling: Where is Rick?
Ally Darling: Rick’s on a business trip, for his business.
Ava Darling: Nuts, I was looking forward to finally meeting him. Why aren’t you wearing the dress I bought you?
Ally Darling: This is the dress you bought me.
Ava Darling: What? It looked very different on the mannequin.
Ally Darling: Is Daisy upstairs?
Ava Darling: Yeah, she is. She is a wreck.
Ally Darling: Okay, I’m gonna go check on her.
Ava Darling: Please, do.
[Ally starts to walk off]
Ava Darling: Oh, your cousin Beau is here.
[as she’s walking up the stairs, Ally shouts back]
Ally Darling: Step cousin! He’s a step cousin, we’re not even remotely related!
[she takes out her notebook and adds Beau to the list of guys she’s slept with]

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Daisy Darling: Thank God you’re here. Mom has been such a bitch, ever since Eddie’s parents got here. She just cannot believe that her marriage ended before there’s did.
Ally Darling: Well, dad should be here soon. So she’ll have someone else to focus her hatred on.
Daisy Darling: Um…dad’s not coming. She won’t let me invite him here.
Ally Darling: Are you inviting him to the wedding?
Daisy Darling: Ah…I don’t know.
Ally Darling: Oh.

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Ally Darling: Hey, what was creepy puppets guy’s actual name?
Daisy Darling: You mean the guy who lived next door that was obsessed with me? Gerry Perry.
Ally Darling: Gerry Perry! Thank you.
[Ally takes out her notebook and adds Gerry Perry’s name to her list of men she’s slept with]
Daisy Darling: What are you writing?
Ally Darling: Nothing, just some notes for my toast.
Daisy Darling: Is it gonna rhyme?
Ally Darling: It depends. What rhymes with orgy?
Daisy Darling: You just keep it under three minutes. Ready?
Ally Darling: Oh, you look amazing.
Daisy Darling: Thank you.
Ally Darling: You go ahead. I’ll be down in a couple of minutes.
Daisy Darling: Okay
[as Daisy leaves the room, Ally counts the names on her list and it adds up to 19]
Ally Darling: Holy shit! Nineteen.
[Ally freaks out and takes a large sip of champagne]

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[after finding out the number of guys she’s slept with, Daisy gets drunk and gives a toast to her sister and her fiancé]
Ally Darling: When Daisy first told me that she was dating Eddie, I couldn’t believe it. I said, Eddie Vogel? The schmuck you went out with in high school? He was the biggest douchebag of them all! Even worse than Baby Hands!
[to her friends, who are looking at her in amusement]
Ally Darling: Do you guys remember him? Baby Hands?
[she imitates doing baby hands]
Ally Darling: You know how Eddie broke up with her? He started dating her best friend, who’s here tonight, by the way. Sheila, stand up.
[Sheila laughs nervously and stands]

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Ally Darling: But…but, when Eddie saw Daisy at their high school reunion, he knew what a big mistake he had made. No offense, Sheila. And now, Eddie’s amazing. You wouldn’t even know he’s the same guy, except he looks exactly the same.
[Ally laughs]
Ally Darling: God! I wish I went to my high school reunion, but I was growing out my bangs. I’m always growing out my bangs. I don’t get bangs.
[there’s an uncomfortable silence as everyone is looking at her]
Ally Darling: Well, to Daisy and Eddie!
[as she salutes with her champagne bottle she clicks her bottle with the glass of guy standing next to her, but she hits his glass to hard and breaks it making her friends laugh]

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[after her sister’s party, Ally, her sister and their friends are in a bar drinking, Ally suggests a game where they all write down the number of sexual partners they’ve had, put them in a jar then each draws one, reads it aloud and try to guess who it belongs to]
Jamie: Thirteen.
Katie: Thirteen? Who here has had thirteen?
Sheila: Me.
Daisy Darling: Girl, you’re a slut!
[everyone mocks Sheila and Ally looks worried]
Ally Darling: Slutty whore!
Sheila: What is the big deal?
Katie: That is thirteen different penises in one vagina.
Sheila: It’s not like they were all in there at the same time. You know what, I’m done with this. Ally, you go.
Ally Darling: Oh, okay.

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[Ally draws the last slip, her own, and rips it in half, so it reads 9 instead of 19]
Ally Darling: Oh, wow! Look at that! Nine. I drew myself. Game over.
Katie: Wait…
[Katie notices the piece if paper Ally had ripped and picks it off the floor and read it]
Katie: One. Is this yours?
Ally Darling: Uh…
Katie: Oh, my God! You’re at ninety-one!
Ally Darling: No! I’m a nine!
Daisy Darling: You’re at nineteen.
Katie: Nineteen?
Sheila: Hello, friend.

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Ally Darling: Fine, I admit it. I’m at nineteen. Almost twice the national average, it’s bad. Look at this. There was even a whole article in Marie Claire about it.
[she takes out the article from her bag]
Ally Darling: I thought that playing this game would make me feel better about my number, but now I think I’m starting to believe this article is right. It’s high.
Jamie: Apparently in America, ninety six percent of women who’ve been with twenty or more lovers can’t find a husband.
Ally Darling: It actually says twenty?
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Sheila: Who cares? Who did that study anyway? Some scientist over there at Marie Claire magazine?
Katie: Hey, that magazine taught me how to orgasm.
Eileen: Actually, that’s study was conducted by Dr. Keller, a post-doctoral fellow at Harvard University.
Ally Darling: Shit!
Eileen: I see it in my practice all the time. When you’re too sexually available, it messes with your self-esteem. The next thing you know, you’re forty five, no self-respect, no husband and no muscle tone in your pelvic floor.
Ally Darling: Okay, well that is not gonna happen to me. Harvard says that twenty is the limit, I’m at nineteen, so that gives me one more chance.

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Ally Darling: Okay, I’m gonna make a proclamation.
[to the table nearby who are shouting]
Ally Darling: Shut up! I’m proclamation.
[holding up her glass]
Ally Darling: Okay, I am not gonna sleep with one more guy until I am sure he’s the one. I may not have control over much, but I do have control over my pelvic floor. The next guy that vacations at Casa Esperanza, is going to be my husband. To taking control of my own destiny!
[as she toasts the girls take a sip of their drinks then Ally stands and makes another toast]
Ally Darling: To better decision making and full following through!
[the next scene shows the Ally is now drunk standing on the bar making another toast]
Ally Darling: To twenty!
[she ends up dancing at the bar and the next scene opens with her in bed with her ex-boss]

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[Ally calls her sister after finding her ex-boss next to her, butt naked]
Ally Darling: I slept with my ex-boss!
Daisy Darling: Carole?
Ally Darling: No! The job I just got fired from!
Daisy Darling: You got fired?
Ally Darling: This is your fault!
Daisy Darling: When I tried to get you to leave the bar last night, you spit on me. But congratulations! You said twenty is your husband and now you’re at twenty.
Ally Darling: Shut up.
Daisy Darling: I have to admit, I just did not think it was gonna happen this quickly, but I’m so excited.
[turning to her fiancée]
Daisy Darling: Hey, Eddie. Ally’s gonna get married!
Eddie Vogel: Great!
Daisy Darling: He’s thrilled.
Ally Darling: Now you’re just being a bitch. But maybe he is my husband. Maybe it’s fate! Now I’ve got a great story to tell our grand kids.
[Ally turns and looks at her ex-boss, who’s getting dressed]
Ally Darling: I don’t know why I never considered him before.
[as she watches her ex-boss getting dressed, she sees him stick his hands down his pants and sniff his fingers]
Ally Darling: He’s not my husband.

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[as Ally is trying to get rid of her ex-boss he neighbor knocks at her front door]
Colin Shea: I’ve locked myself out of my apartment with my keys and…well, everything is over there. Can I use your phone?
Ally Darling: Sure, of course. Let me just get that.
[to Roger, her ex-boss]
Ally Darling: Hey, Roger, why don’t we talk later? Because I think 6A really needs my help.
[Colin turns to Roger]
Colin Shea: Hi.
Roger: Nice to meet you.
[Colin holds out his hand and Rogers shakes it with the hand that he’s just put down his pants, Ally smiles to herself as she sees this]

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[as Ally is trying to give her phone to Colin, Roger grabs hold of her]
Roger: So how about some dinner tonight?
Ally Darling: Tonight, tonight?
Roger: Mm.
[Colin, sensing Ally wants out of this situation, interject]
Colin Shea: Oh, we have that, uh…tenants meeting tonight.
Ally Darling: Oh, that’s right! Tenants meeting. Oh, we’re trying to get this very large bird evicted. But, um…why don’t I call you later and we’ll figure out, uh…maybe another time that we can get together, uh…
Roger: Okay.
[as Roger is about to leave her turns, picks Ally up and kisses her hard on the mouth]

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[after Roger leaves as Ally is about to close her door she sees a woman come out of Colin’s apartment]
Ally Darling: Hey, do you think the woman coming out of your apartment could have helped you with the being locked out problem?
Colin Shea: Uh…okay. Uh…I had a little situation that I needed to get out of, not unlike your situation here. So I…
Ally Darling: Lied to her, then lied to me.
Colin Shea: I look at it as trying to avoid her feelings.

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[referring to her sculptures]
Colin Shea: Wow, this is pretty cool. Where do you get this?
Ally Darling: I made it.
Colin Shea: No shit?
Ally Darling: Shit. Listen, I don’t wanna have anything to do with your crusade to sleep with every woman in Boston, okay? They’re kind of like my sisters.
Colin Shea: Wow, I thought you’d be cooler than this. I saw that toast you made on YouTube, it seemed like you had a good sense of humor.
Ally Darling: Those bitches put my toast up on YouTube? How did you see it already?
Colin Shea: Oh, I get everybody in the building on Google Alert. I come from a family of cops, so it’s in my nature to dig up dirt. The guy in 4D, tried to marry his dog.
Ally Darling: No! Bandit?
Colin Shea: Oh, yeah.
[he checks through her front door peephole to see if the coast is clear]
Colin Shea: Alright. Well, looks like the coast is clear. Thank you, you’re a peach.
Ally Darling: You’re a pig.
[Colin smiles and leaves]

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[as Ally is tasting cakes for Daisy’s wedding]
Daisy Darling: That’s enough. I think the idea it’s just to taste them.
Ally Darling: Why? Nobody’s ever gonna see me naked again. Might as well enjoy myself.
Daisy Darling: Oh, yeah! Like you’re really gonna be celibate.
Ally Darling: I don’t have a choice, I said I was gonna stop at twenty. Now I have to accept finger smelling fuck as my twenty. Just promise me you’re not gonna put me at the singles table with mom, please.
Daisy Darling: Sitting is really complicated.

 

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