Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Kevin Hart, Ed Helms, Amy Ryan, Danielle Nicolet, Bobby Brown, Aaron Paul
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Story: Action comedy directed by Rawson Marshall Thurber. Central Intelligence (2016) follows Calvin (Kevin Hart), who used to be the popular kid at high school but is now a mild-mannered accountant. At his 20-year high school reunion he is reunited with former classmate Bob (Dwayne Johnson), who was once an overweight nerd and a favorite target of bullies, but is now a deadly CIA agent. Bob then calls on Calvin to help him foil a plot to sell classified military secrets.
Where to Watch:
Best Central Intelligence Quotes
School Principal: [after Bob is thrown into the middle of the high school stadirum] Well, there’s no coming back from that.
Calvin Joyner: Honey, black people don’t go to therapy. We go to barbershops. That’s where we talk out our problems. Or we watch the movie Barbershop. One or the other.
Bob Stone: Woh, Calvin. It’s me, Bob.
Calvin Joyner: Sorry, do I know you?
Bob Stone: Robbie Wheirdicht, from high school!
Calvin Joyner: Are you kidding? What? Wait. You’re Robbie Wheirdicht? God, man, look at you! You’ve lost like two hundred pounds! I see you gained it back in muscle.
Calvin Joyner: What did you do?
Bob Stone: I just did one thing.
Calvin Joyner: I need to know.
Bob Stone: I worked out six hours a day, every day, for the last twenty years straight.
Bob Stone: Spoiler alert. I’m in the CIA.
Calvin Joyner: Oh, no s**t!
Bob Stone: I got a plan. Might get us both killed, but if it works it’ll be a totally bust story. Cool?
Calvin Joyner: No! No, it’s not cool!
Bob Stone: Cool.
Calvin Joyner: No, I said it’s not cool!
Bob Stone: Bottom line, are you in or are you out?
Calvin Joyner: Well then I’m out!
Bob Stone: Actually you’re already in.
Calvin Joyner: Then why would you ask me?
Bob Stone: Because I thought you would go, “I’m in, Bob!” And we would have had a really cool moment, but you kind of ruined the whole thing.
Bob Stone: Take my gun. We may have to kill some people.
Calvin Joyner: I will do no such thing.
Bob Stone: I think you’ll like it.
Calvin Joyner: I will not!
Bob Stone: I need your skillset to save the entire free world. You ready?
Calvin Joyner: No!
Bob Stone: Sweet. Let’s go.
Calvin Joyner: No! I said no!
Calvin Joyner: This is Facebook’s fault. Are you familiar with Facebook?
Agent Pamela Harris: We surveil it.
Calvin Joyner: He sent me a friend request. That’s how this whole thing started.
Agent Pamela Harris: And you accepted?
Calvin Joyner: Don’t do that. Don’t do that to me. You give me a second. Okay? Don’t fire back like that. First of all, f*** Mark Zuckerberg, alright? Now, I accepted because it was Facebook. And it’s rude when you don’t accept it, and I don’t know if the person on the other end can see me not accept it. That’s why I accepted.
Bob Stone: You’re like a chocolate Google.
Bob Stone: [presses his finger into Calvin like he’s a computer] Boop, boop, boop.
Calvin Joyner: Bob, don’t do that. Stop it. Stop it.
Bob Stone: Now that you’re in.
Calvin Joyner: Let me stop you right there. I’m not in. I never said that I was in. In fact, I expressly remember saying that I was out!
Bob Stone: I know. But they think you’re in.
Bob Stone: The smarter play is if we split up.
Calvin Joyner: You know what happens when people split up, Bob? Somebody dies.
Calvin Joyner: Dude, you used to be Fat Robbie. Look at you! This is like a total transformation. You look like Hercules or somebody.
Calvin Joyner: Which car are we taking?
Bob Stone: [throws a grenade under the car] Not that one.
Calvin Joyner: You chose to be an international CIA spy.
Bob Stone: Because I don’t like bullies.
Calvin Joyner: [to Bob] You were like Jason Bourne, man, but with jorts!
Bob Stone: You’re like a snack-sized Denzel.
Bob Stone: Do you remember those back flips you used to do?
Calvin Joyner: Let’s do the flip.
Bob Stone: [as Calvin does the flip and lands straight onto his face] That was so close.
Phil: What was that for?
Calvin Joyner: I was doing a backflip.
Phil: [flat on his back] Your point?
Calvin Joyner: A distraction.
Phil: For what?
[Bob shows up behind Phil and rips open his throat]
Calvin Joyner: You’re not even Robbie Wheirdicht. You’re Bob Stone!
Bob Stone: I made that name up.
Calvin Joyner: So what?
Bob Stone: It’s not real.
Calvin Joyner: What does that mean? What, you think Mr. T and Sting, and The Rock, you think those guys are real? That’s a bunch of dumba** nicknames by a bunch of dumba** people.