Slow Horses Best Quotes from TV Series

Jackson Lamb: Did you find anything?
River Cartwright: I don’t know what I’m looking for.
Jackson Lamb: Yeah. The remnants of a once promising career.

River Cartwright: Are we actually acting on any intel, or are we just fishing?
Jackson Lamb: Yeah, but now, you don’t get to ask questions. That’s for spies who haven’t shat the bed.

Jackson Lamb: Is it me, or did all the fun go out of everything around 1979?

River Cartwright: Are we looking for something, or are we just wanting him to know that we are looking at him?
Jackson Lamb: What’s all this “we”? There is no “we”. There’s just me telling you what to do.

Jackson Lamb: [referring to River’s suggestion of doing surveillance] Well, that’s an interesting proposition, considering the last time you were given any sort of responsibility, a load of innocent people got blown to bits.
River Cartwright: And there it is.
Jackson Lamb: Well, I’m sorry you find it so tiresome, Cartwright, but it’s not the social faux pas you seem to think it was. You didn’t break wind during someone’s wedding vows.

River Cartwright: It was a training exercise.
Jackson Lamb: If a pilot crashes a simulator, he doesn’t then brush it off and go, “Well, I’m sorry. It was a f***ing exercise,” and then expect to be put behind the wheel of a 747.
River Cartwright: It’s not the same thing.
Jackson Lamb: No, it’s worse, you tit.

River Cartwright: You’re going to do this every day then?
Jackson Lamb: Well, if I didn’t hate the sight of you, I’d come to your home, and do it at the weekends too.

Jackson Lamb: I am surrounded by f***ups in this building, but you are the gold standard of f***ups. By alrights, you shouldn’t even be here. You should’ve skipped this purgatory and gone straight to hell. Melted you down for glue. But you avoided that because your name is Cartwright. So when you wonder why I have you going through the rubbish of a disgraced right-wing journo, wonder no more. It’s because I don’t like you. And I want you to quit.
River Cartwright: I’ll just get back to retching then, shall I?

River Cartwright: You never call me River.
Sid Baker: I never call anyone River.
River Cartwright: Yeah, well, thank my mother. It was her hippie phase.

Jackson Lamb: You sending a courier?
Diana Taverner: I’m not going to waste one of my grown-up spies. Send one of your donkeys.
Jackson Lamb: Okay, but I can’t guarantee it’ll get there.
Diana Taverner: Send Sid Baker. She’s the most capable.
Jackson Lamb: Oh, you mean the least s**t?

Sid Baker: The gloves really suit you, by the way.
River Cartwright: Taking the pi**, is it?
Sid Baker: I wouldn’t know where to start.

River Cartwright: Sid’s gone for coffee.
Jackson Lamb: No, she’s already had coffee. She was getting away from you. Failure’s contagious.

Spider Webb: [as he offers his hand to River to shake] Let’s not make this awkward.
River Cartwright: Has someone thrown up on your tie?
Spider Webb: Okay, awkward it is. It’s Karl Unger, peasant.

River Cartwright: You f***ed up. Yes, you did. Not me, you. And you let me take the fall.
Spider Webb: Own your mistakes, River. Stansted was your fiasco.
River Cartwright: Well, I mean, I get it. I get it. I was clearly Taverner’s favorite.
Spider Webb: Really?
River Cartwright: Yeah. And that really annoyed you. Really got under your skin, didn’t it? So you not only covered for your fiasco, you got me out of the way.

Spider Webb: It’s always about you, isn’t it? What about the people who lost their lives and limbs?
River Cartwright: It wasn’t real.
Spider Webb: What is this then? Other than a new training module entitled, “How to avoid a f***ing fiasco.”

River Cartwright: It was a training exercise.
Spider Webb: Yeah. It was. It was an exercise. But if it had been real, they’d have died. You f***ed up. Massively. Un-f***ing-forgivably.

River Cartwright: Yeah, well, there’s no lives in your hands here in HR, is there?
Spider Webb: Yeah, and what have you got in your hands at Slough House, apart from your d**k?

Spider Webb: You know why they call it Slough House?
River Cartwright: Yes. But I imagine you’re going to tell me what it is. Yeah, why not?
Spider Webb: It’s because, while it may only be three miles from where I sit, it is so far from the beating heart of the service it might as well be in Slough.
River Cartwright: Yeah, you see, if you have to explain a joke, it’s because it’s not working.

Catherine Standish: What did your last servant die of?
Jackson Lamb: What did your last boss die of?

Sid Baker: How long have you been here?
River Cartwright: What?
Sid Baker: You look like a mole.
River Cartwright: A mole?

River Cartwright: Just ended up down a pretty dark rabbit hole.
Sid Baker: All rabbit holes are dark. They’re underground.

Sid Baker: I’m not sure this is a great way to be spending your spare time.
River Cartwright: You’ve seen my work on the floor.
Sid Baker: Oh, cry me a river, River. No, seriously, as a friend…
River Cartwright: As a friend? Are we friends? I don’t think I’m ready to make that kind of commitment, to be honest with you.

Sid Baker: Look, what I’m seeing right now is just not good for your dating profile.
River Cartwright: What are you? My dating coach?
Sid Baker: Absolutely not. That would be a full-time job.

Jackson Lamb: If people are happy to spend time in this building after 5:00 PM, then I’m not really doing my job.

Jackson Lamb: F*** off.
River Cartwright: “F*** off” as in go home, or “f*** off” as in you don’t believe us?
Jackson Lamb: At the end of the working day, your pitiful, miserable time is your own. But if I find out you are indulging in extracurricular activities that could upset the equilibrium of this blessed sanctuary, then I will make it so that you wish you were in a Siberian gulag.

River Cartwright: [referring to the lemon] It’s as hard as an egg, this. You know they keep better in the fridge.
David Cartwright: I always understood a lemon could last as long as an 18th century naval voyage.
River Cartwright: Yes. Well, this is the 21st century, so we can take full advantage of modern food preservation techniques.

David Cartwright: [referring to Slough House] They won’t keep you there forever.
River Cartwright: I was given the impression that they probably will.
David Cartwright: Well, that’s the point. If you knew it was for only six months, it wouldn’t hurt.
River Cartwright: Yeah. It’s been eight months.
David Cartwright: Well, you do your time. Whatever grunt work Jackson Lamb throws your way. Then you head back to Regent’s Park. Your sins forgiven.

River Cartwright: Lamb’s been there years, so they’ve obviously never forgiven him. The man practically lives there. Was he ever actually good? I just, I can’t imagine it.

David Cartwright: I’ve told you all I know, and you should stay out of it. And if the Park are looking at him, there’ll be a good reason. And if they’re using Slough House to do it, it means they don’t want blowback. Which puts you at risk. Do you understand? And remember.
River Cartwright: Moscow rules, watch your back. London rules, cover your a**.

Sid Baker: Look, I know you landed here with a bump…
River Cartwright: Yeah. Yeah. I’ve still got whiplash.
Sid Baker: Well, if you want to do something useful, you can get rid of the stinking rubbish that’s still in our office.
River Cartwright: Yeah, but I want to actually be properly useful, Sid. Don’t you? Do Something. I mean, I could not be more bored if I tried, Sid. And I have actually tried.

Jackson Lamb: [to the team Well, what the f***’s it got to do with you? Whatever’s going on will be a job for the real agents, not you f***ups.

Jackson Lamb: Oh, you people are slow. Bringing you up to speed is like trying to explain Norway to a dog.

River Cartwright: [referring to the hostage situation] Alright, so what do we do then?
Jackson Lamb: What we always do here. Absolutely nothing.

Jackson Lamb: This changes nothing. Come on. Out! You’ve all got papers to shuffle, so why are you still in this room? No, wait, all apologies. Answer me one simple question. Where the f*** is River Cartwright?

Roddy Ho: Thermite’s made up of aluminium, iron oxide, and a thin strip of magnesium. You stick it in a clay pot, set it on top of your laptop, or desktop, pigs kick the door down, you ignite the strip, mix burns through the hard drive.
River Cartwright: You know that technically we’re the pigs.
Roddy Ho: I’m from the streets. Sometimes I talk street.

River Cartwright: You don’t want to know what I’m doing. Probably get me kicked out for good.
Sid Baker: River, is it really worth it?
River Cartwright: I can’t just sit around and do nothing, Sid. I’ve got one lead, and yes, it might be bulls**t. But I have to follow it. Otherwise, what good am I?

Jed Moody: Well, Duffy said he knew all about it. But I knew he was bluffing, because he didn’t know that Sid Baker’s a girl.
Diana Taverner: She’s a woman, and twice the agent you are.

Diana Taverner: What I want to know is, how did you find out about it?
Jed Moody: About what, ma’am?
Diana Taverner: You’re mistaking this for a conversation. When I ask for information, you give it. Don’t play dumb. Don’t lie. Clear?

Diana Taverner: I gave Lamb a specific instruction. Why were you in on the loop? Doesn’t respect you. Wouldn’t confide in you. Do you remember the bit about not lying?
Jed Moody: There’s a bug.
Diana Taverner: Are you seriously telling me you planted a bug in Jackson Lamb’s office?
Jed Moody: I never trusted that lazy b****rd.

Jed Moody: [referring to Lamb] He doesn’t give me anything to do. Or at least, you know, anything that matters. He’s just taking the pi**. So I wanted to see if I could get anything on him, and I have. The burnt-out twat. If he ever wants to get out, I know exactly how he’ll do it. I know where he’ll go, and under what name.

Diana Taverner: Slough House may be a dead end, but it’s still part of the service. If it gets out it’s been compromised, your former chums in the Dogs will tear you apart. Oh, and, Moody, a word of warning. Lamb’s a burnout for a reason. When he was in the field, he had a lot more to worry about than screwups like you. He risked being caught, tortured, and shot, and he survived. Might want to bear that in mind.

Jackson Lamb: [as Catherine is about to enter his office] Yeah, I’d hang back if I were you. God. I have just let one rip. It’s a killer.

Louisa Guy: You doing anything tonight?
Min Harper: I’m praying for a lottery win. But I mean, that’s not, you know, necessarily location specific. I could do that on the move.

Struan Loy: We had such a laugh last time we went for a drink. We must do it again at some point.
Min Harper: Oh, absolutely.
Louisa Guy: Let’s do Christmas drinks.
Struan Loy: It’s February!

Sid Baker: You should be applauding me. I kept an eye on Hobden while you went to get your car.
River Cartwright: I would have stuck out, standing around on the street.
Sid Baker: Well, I didn’t. But then, as we’ve established, I am better at surveillance than you.
River Cartwright: That’s just depends how you look at it.

River Cartwright: Why are you here, Sid? Not in the car, at Slough House.
Sid Baker: I thought Slough House was like prison. You’re not supposed to ask what you’re in for.
River Cartwright: Well, you know why I’m there.
Sid Baker: Yeah, but everybody knows why you’re there.
River Cartwright: I was going to give you a compliment, but you can shove it now.
Sid Baker: Suit yourself. I get enough flattery from Lamb.

River Cartwright: [referring to Lamb] He can see that you’re not like the others. Because you’re not. I mean, Min, Struan, Roddy, maybe not Louisa, but I mean definitely Moody, they were always headed for the skids. They’re useless. But you’re, you know, it just doesn’t make sense. But whatever the reason for being put in Slough House, it must’ve come out of nowhere, right?
Sid Baker: Yeah. Yeah, it did. And it’s just none of your business.

Louisa Guy: You know, I don’t actually have any friends. No, I mean that I have people that I know, but like no one that I can talk to. Not about work anyway.
Min Harper: Do you not stay in touch with any of your old colleagues from the Park?
Louisa Guy: No, they kind of shunned me.
Min Harper: Well, I wasn’t just shunned. I was shamed by everyone after, you know.
Louisa Guy: You left a top secret file on a train.
Min Harper: Yes. That.

Louisa Guy: And you let us all think you had a home life.
Min Harper: Well, yeah. I mean, I keep up the lie partly because I don’t want to accept it. Partly because I do not want to give Lamb any more ammo. And, well, perhaps most importantly, because it stops me having to go to the pub with Struan.

River Cartwright: You’re watching me for Taverner? Why would she want you watching me?
Sid Baker: Look, I don’t know. But it’s the reason why I’ve been sent to Slough House. To keep an eye on you.
River Cartwright: You’re kidding, right?
Sid Baker: No. No, I’m not.

River Cartwright: Slough House? Why have you brought me back here?
Jackson Lamb: Because you’re my agent, and you were there when another of my agents was shot. So I’m doing your debrief.

River Cartwright: [referring to Sid] She told me she’d been put in Slough House to watch me.
Jackson Lamb: Was that before or after she got shot in the head?

Jackson Lamb: [as it’s revealed that Jed was the masked attacker] If you had issues with him, I could have spoken to HR.
Louisa Guy: No, we didn’t know it was him. He jumped out.
Jackson Lamb: I’m not sure that counts as a defense.
Min Harper: He had a gun.
Jackson Lamb: Better. He used it earlier. Shot Sid Baker with it.
Louisa Guy: What, he killed Sid? Why?
River Cartwright: No. She’s fine. She’s alive.
Jackson Lamb: She was twenty minutes ago.

Jackson Lamb: Can you account for your movements?
Louisa Guy: Well, we were over the road. And…
Min Harper: In the pub.
Jackson Lamb: F*** me. If this is nicer than going back to your place, I pity you.

Min Harper: [referring to Jed] I didn’t mean to kill him.
Jackson Lamb: Of course you didn’t. If you meant to kill him, he’d still be alive.

Jackson Lamb: Two mobiles. Jed, Jed, Jed. I’m surprised you had enough friends to carry one.

Jackson Lamb: [referring to Jed’s phone] This one’s barely used. Just one incoming call.
River Cartwright: You should ring it.
Jackson Lamb: Thank f*** you’re here. I would never have thought of that.

Peter Judd: Robert Hobden, as I live and breathe and shag like a lord. Good to see you, old chum. Timing’s a little off. But when a friend drops by, my door is always open, and my wine is waiting to be uncorked.

Jackson Lamb: Don’t know why they had to clean up the canals. There was a time you could find an oil drum, or a corpse to use as a target.

Diana Taverner: What do you think you’re playing at?
Jackson Lamb: Well, that’s f***ing choice, considering I lent you an agent for what you said was a run of the mill op, who now has a bullet in her head.So, “What do you think you’re playing at?” is my line, with a few f***ing f***s thrown in.

Jackson Lamb: So, if I may be so bold, what the living f*** do you think you’re playing at?
Diana Taverner: Check the rule book, Lamb. You run Slough House, and God knows no one wants to take that away from you, but I am Second Desk, head of ops, which means directing personnel. All personnel. Yours or anybody else’s.

Jackson Lamb: [as he passes gas] Better out than in.
Diana Taverner: Oh, God. You’re vile.
Jackson Lamb: [as takes a sniff] Actually, maybe not.

Jackson Lamb: So, say you’re right, and this is none of my business, what do I do about the body on my staircase?
Diana Taverner: Moody?
Jackson Lamb: Yeah.
Diana Taverner: He’s dead?
Jackson Lamb: It’s hard to tell, given his IQ, but yes.

Jackson Lamb: If you wanted to subcontract, you could’ve done better than Jed Moody. Even when he was good, he wasn’t any good. The guy’s a f***ing fridge magnet.
Diana Taverner: Who took him down?
Jackson Lamb: Here’s the funny part. He forgot to tie his shoelaces. He fell down the stairs.

Jackson Lamb: So, do we call in the Dogs? Hell, it’s a death, Diana. I could call the police. I should. I’ve got a mobile phone on me. Yeah, I could use that. Yeah, I found it on Moody’s body. The odd thing is, the only number in it is yours.
Diana Taverner: Yeah, you’ve made your point.

Jackson Lamb: This isn’t a sanctioned service op, Diana. This is off the books! This is pirate s**t! Now you’ve got Hobden in the wind! You got to roll this up!
Diana Taverner: It can still work.

Jackson Lamb: Just humor me and explore the flip side. If those Sons of Nonsense get wind of what you’re up to, that kid is as good as dead, and your man too. You’ve got to call him and tell him his cover’s blown.
Diana Taverner: Not possible. He wanted them to go dark. No phones.

Jackson Lamb: [after Diana’s asked for his help] I’ve got other things I could do tonight, Diana. I’ve got a really massive s**t brewing. I could sit and read a book and birth that beauty.

Diana Taverner: Was Moody alone when he died?
Jackson Lamb: We’re all alone in the end, don’t you think, Diana? In those final moments?
Diana Taverner: If he did have company, that company might come under intense scrutiny.
Jackson Lamb: Oh, by all means, call in the Dogs. And when they’re finished tearing you apart, maybe they’ll have enough strength to pick at the rest of this. Either way, I couldn’t give a monkey’s.

Jackson Lamb: [as Diana is threatening to blackmail his team] That is not a can of worms you want to open.
Diana Taverner: Do I look keen? Like it or not, Slough House is part of this now. You’ll all get turned over.

Jackson Lamb: I’ll go knock on the door for you. But in return, I want the Standish file. And you’ve been using Slough House as your personal toy box, which pi**es me off. Are we clear?
Diana Taverner: Crystal.
Jackson Lamb: Oh, there’s more. Moody disappears. Baker, a victim of street crime. Anyone with me tonight is fireproof. Oh. And you are in my debt until you’re in a care home.

Diana Taverner: God, you really care about them, don’t you?
Jackson Lamb: No. I think they’re a bunch of f***ing losers. But they’re my losers.

Diana Taverner: For what it’s worth, I’m sorry about Baker.
Jackson Lamb: I’ll have that marked on her chart. You know, the one that clips to the bottom of her bed that tells you when her catheter needs changing.

River Cartwright: Where we going?
Jackson Lamb: Roupell Street. South of the river.
River Cartwright: Why?
Jackson Lamb: To assist with the rescue of Hassan Ahmed.

River Cartwright: It was money, wasn’t it?
Jackson Lamb: What?
River Cartwright: “What?” Come on. In that envelope you took off Moody. It’s your flight fund, in case you need to make a run for it.
Jackson Lamb: Flight fund? Why, I haven’t heard that for a long time. Where did you get that? Your grandfather?

River Cartwright: How much?
Jackson Lamb: Fifteen hundred, a passport, and a key to a box.
River Cartwright: Switzerland?
Jackson Lamb: F*** you, Switzerland. Bank in a two-donkey French town four hours drive from Paris. Why am I telling you all this?
River Cartwright: Probably so you’d have an excuse to kill me.
Jackson Lamb: That’s probably it.

River Cartwright: [as they arrive at the kidnappers place] Seems pretty quiet.
Jackson Lamb: What did you expect? Balloons tied to the door?
River Cartwright: [as Lamb takes out his gun] Woh. Woh. Why are you taking a gun if you just have to knock on the door?
Jackson Lamb: Because this whole op is f***ed up. Taverner’s playing London rules, but I’m the one in joe country, so I’ll play Moscow rules. Thank you.
[after Lamb enters the building, the team follow and they find the undercover agent’s decapitated head on the table]

Louisa Guy: Okay, so what do we do? Do we do what Lamb said? Or do we head to Regent’s Park and turn ourselves in?
River Cartwright: Stick to Lamb’s plan.
Min Harper: Turn ourselves in.
Louisa Guy: Right. Fine. I say that we round up everybody, head to Blake’s grave, and if Lamb doesn’t show, then we know he’s f***ed us.
River Cartwright: Yeah.
Min Harper: Yes, stick to the plan.

Nick Duffy: Ma’am, I know it’s not my place to ask, but what is going on?
Diana Taverner: You’re right. It’s not your place. Why do you think Lamb bolted?
Nick Duffy: Maybe he saw Black’s head and worried about what it looked like.
Diana Taverner: It looked like what it was. The head of the Slow Horse is panicking because a Slow Horse op went south. Lamb’s gone rogue, and one of my agents is dead.

Roddy Ho: Why the f*** are you here?
River Cartwright: There’s been a complaint about your music. It’s s**t.

Min Harper: So, do you want to talk about what just happened?
Louisa Guy: Well, we were too late is what happened.
Min Harper: No. I meant us.
Louisa Guy: I think we should talk about how we evade MI5 security, Min.
Min Harper: Well, it turns out we evade them by kissing.
Louisa Guy: There’s not going to be any “us” if we don’t stay ahead of the Dogs and work out what the f*** Black was up to.
Min Harper: Yes, of course. But once that’s sorted, “us” could still be a thing?
Louisa Guy: Less likely every time you bring it up.

Catherine Standish: It’s the middle of the night. You can’t just show up unannounced.
Jackson Lamb: No. Leave the light off.
Catherine Standish: What do you want?
Jackson Lamb: Fallen off the wagon, have we?
Catherine Standish: It’s actually a water bottle. You’ve probably never seen one.

Roddy Ho: If you’re in any kind of personal trouble, I just want you to know, I couldn’t give a f***. And I don’t want to be dragged into it.
River Cartwright: Yeah, you’re already in it.

Diana Taverner: How does it feel to be back here at the Park?
Struan Loy: Well, this isn’t really the Park I knew. I mean, I’ve never been down here. I didn’t know we had rooms like this.
Diana Taverner: Not many people do. That’s why I chose it for you. I don’t want anyone to know you’re here.

Diana Taverner: [to Struan] Your little boy must be, what, six? And Evie, seven? No, eight. They must love the idea their daddy’s James Bond.

Diana Taverner: [to Struan] You probably know how many people have made it back from Slough House to upstairs here at Regent’s Park. None. It’s not impossible.

Diana Taverner: Have you seen anything unusual at Slough House, any activity?
Struan Loy: No. I don’t think so. What sort of unusual activity?
Diana Taverner: It’s a shame you haven’t noticed anything. I was relying on you. You see, I have a problem. Quite a big problem. How would you like to be part of the solution?

Roddy Ho: I hacked the personnel database at the Park. I changed my address. My phone, my Internet, my bills, even my bank account are all linked to false IDs that rotate every twenty-four hours. I’m so far off the grid, I don’t even know where the grid is.
River Cartwright: Lamb followed you home.
Roddy Ho: When the f***?
River Cartwright: I don’t know, but he told everyone.

Diana Taverner: [referring to Alan Black] You haven’t seen him recently in the company of Jackson Lamb?
Struan Loy: Well, not since he left.
Diana Taverner: Then you’re not part of the solution then, are you? You’re just another problem.

Catherine Standish: Get out of my bedroom!
Jackson Lamb: What, you think I want to catch you in your underwear?
Catherine Standish: I imagine you’d like that. Almost as much as I’d like to see you in your nylon Y-fronts.

Catherine Standish: It’s River, isn’t it? Has he gone off the rails, and now we’re paying the price?
Jackson Lamb: Well, not a million miles off. Baker’s been hurt. Moody’s dead. There’s probably a C&C out on all of us. F***ers.
Catherine Standish: How badly hurt is Sid?
Jackson Lamb: Not as badly hurt as Moody’s dead. Did you catch that bit?
Catherine Standish: Jed Moody was always going to end badly, but I like Sid.

Nick Duffy: [to Diana, over phone] Inbound with Lamb and Standish.
Jackson Lamb: Tell her she best interrogate me in a room with a window. I had a lamb bhuna earlier that’s going to make its presence felt.

Jackson Lamb: Is she going to stick us in those new basement cells? I’ve not seen them myself. I used to work out of the old building. But, you know, I’ve been in the Stasi cells, so anything you’ve got will be a luxury. And then what? Lady Di’s going to rewrite the time line, stick Slough House in the frame for this f***ing disaster.

Jackson Lamb: [as he sneezes] Is no one going to say, “Bless you?” No? Bit rude. Of course, she’d rather that kid had his head cut off than admit it was her fault. She’s scorching the earth. She’s covering her tracks. But it’s the covering of the tracks that always gets you in the end. Isn’t that right, Nick? I mean, she knows that, of course. She thinks she’s the exception. That’s what everybody thinks. Everybody’s always wrong.

Catherine Standish: [as she pretends to get a tissue out of her bag and pulls out a gun] Now, we all know I’m not going to shoot you dead, Mr. Webb. But I’ll put a bullet through your foot if I have to. Pull over.

Jackson Lamb: You’re full of surprises, Standish. You know that? How did you know my Y-fronts are nylon?
Catherine Standish: Because I have to buy them for you.
Jackson Lamb: Drip-dry. Very efficient.

River Cartwright: That back there, that’s you goading them into action, right?
Jackson Lamb: F*** no. I meant every word.
River Cartwright: Right. Just checking.

Jackson Lamb: See any lights?
River Cartwright: Second floor, maybe.
Jackson Lamb: Did you leave them on?
River Cartwright: I don’t remember.
Jackson Lamb: Well, think.
River Cartwright: I don’t know. You were there too. Why didn’t you check?
Jackson Lamb: Because I’ve earned the right not to.

Louisa Guy: You hacked the Dogs comms?
Roddy Ho: Snuck into their kennel, muzzled them b**ches, stole their bones.
Louisa Guy: Oh, that’s so wrong.
Roddy Ho: Whatever. They’re outside our homes and waiting for us. Waiting for us to use our phones, and credit cards, or passports.
Min Harper: So, we just hole up in here for the rest of our lives, do we? Right. We’re f***ed then.

Catherine Standish: [referring to Lamb] You hurt his Joes, he’ll never stop coming for you. And the thing, for Lamb, there’s nothing worse than not being able to get even.
Louisa Guy: And he’s not going to want to lose to Taverner.
Catherine Standish: Exactly.
Louisa Guy: I think he’s got even more contempt for her than he does for us.
Min Harper: Wow, that’s a skip-load of contempt.

Catherine Standish: The one thing that we can bring to this is that we knew Alan Black. So what do we remember about him?
Roddy Ho: He was sent to Slough House for sleeping with the Venezuelan ambassador’s wife while undercover.
Catherine Standish: Apart from that.
Min Harper: He moaned a lot. Never bought biscuits.
Louisa Guy: Oh, my God.
Min Harper: Sorry, what? We’re free-forming, aren’t we. There’s no bad ideas here.
Louisa Guy: He was really lazy.
Min Harper: Oh, and that’s better than what I said, is it?

Louisa Guy: I thought you could hack anything.
Roddy Ho: I can. I’m not saying I can’t do it. Just that it will take some time.
Min Harper: How much time do you need, Ho? Because the kid’s going to get beheaded in about, oh, two and a half hours.
Roddy Ho: I’ll tell you what I can do real quick. Check your search history and tell everyone what p**n you look at.
Min Harper: Fine, because I’ve got nothing to hide. Don’t you f***ing dare!

Nick Duffy: Get out of the car.
Jackson Lamb: Are you going to shoot me?
Nick Duffy: Not right now.
Jackson Lamb: Yeah, well, what about one of your lads? Hair triggers make natural scratching posts for itchy indexes.
Nick Duffy: They’re not going to do anything unless you do. You got my word on that.

Diana Taverner: I’m going to make you an offer, Jackson.
Jackson Lamb: I’m sure. I mean, obviously you have to have this all wrapped up before Tearney lands, and I can blow the whistle on you.
Diana Taverner: You don’t have a whistle. All you have is a CV littered with dead Joes.

Jackson Lamb: Make your pitch. I’m sure you’ve got some sweetener to help me neck this absolute bulls**t.
Diana Taverner: Sign a statement that tallies with Loy’s, and that’ll be the end of it.
Jackson Lamb: Oh, you mean the end of me.
Diana Taverner: Well, you’d be fired, but no charges. And enough of a pension to keep you in single malts. A heavily redacted file will state that you were thinking out loud and Black went rogue.

Diana Taverner: [to Lamb] Or we can sit here and watch the Slow Horses walk in one by one and accept a job back here at the Park, while you fester in the basement until this is all cleared up, which I can make last a very long time. And if you get lonely, I can always send Standish down. The treason charge against her will be resurrected, and this time I can make it stick.

Jackson Lamb: [to Diana] Well, it sounds like a wonderful deal. And hats off to you. You really got me boxed in. So print off a statement. Give me a pen. F***, I’ve just remembered. Yeah, there was something I meant to tell you as soon as I walked in. The car that I returned. The one that’s now parked in the basement. It’s got a bomb in the boot.

River Cartwright: [referring to Diana meeting with Black] I know what she did. She got you to f*** me over at Stansted because then she’d have an excuse to get rid of me.
Spider Webb: It was your fiasco.
River Cartwright: Now, I’m pretty sure that she’ll have asked you to destroy that photograph. And I’m even more sure that you’ll have kept a copy for insurance. So tell me where they are, and then I won’t shoot you straight in the face.
Spider Webb: Sorry, mate. You lost me.

Diana Taverner: This is yours, I believe.
Jackson Lamb: Oh, yeah. Must have forgot to attach the bomb part.
Diana Taverner: Duffy and his men are sweeping the building as we speak. I assume it was Cartwright you smuggled in.
Jackson Lamb: No, I thought it was helpful to test your security. I’ve got bad news. Your guys are not very good.

Diana Taverner: In three seconds, I could have a dozen guns pointed at your heads.
Jackson Lamb: Yeah, but you won’t do that.
River Cartwright: [referring to the photos of Diana with Black] Because you don’t want anyone to see these.
Jackson Lamb: Here, look. There’s you, and there’s Alan Black. Huh? Remember setting up the thing you’re accusing me of? Kidnapping Hassan Ahmed in a false flag operation so you could rescue him, look good, and score some points. You did tell me all that earlier, but this is evidence. Yeah, I’ve put your name in. If you’d just initial the changes. Sign at the bottom.
Diana Taverner: I met with an ex-agent. That means nothing.
River Cartwright: Oh, you won’t mind if we send this to Tearney then?
Jackson Lamb: Yeah, and everyone else at the Park.

Diana Taverner: What do you want?
Jackson Lamb: I want that kid found alive.
Diana Taverner: And you think I don’t?
Jackson Lamb: I think your attention’s been split between finding him and burning me!

Diana Taverner: We are doing everything we can.
Jackson Lamb: There’s something more you could do. Cartwright got Hobden’s phone. It turns out there’s a certain someone he called when it all went to s**t. Maybe you should pay that someone a visit.

Catherine Standish: Judging by the tone of the woman who answered the phone, this was likely the one thousandth tip they received today.
Min Harper: Well, surely it made a difference coming from you.
Catherine Standish: Well, who was I to say was calling? “Oh, hello, Scotland Yard? I’m with the punishment detail at MI5. Although at present, they’re hunting me for the kidnapping that I’m trying to help you solve.”

Catherine Standish: Roddy and I will go to Lamb’s flat, in case he shows.
Roddy Ho: Lamb’s not at his flat.
Catherine Standish: And how do you know that?
Roddy Ho: I put a tracker on his car a year ago. I put one on all of your cars. What? I did it precisely for a situation like this.

Peter Judd: I know about the Frontline Club, Diana. And what Hobden overheard you say to your brother, was it?
Diana Taverner: Your one card. Are you sure you want to play that now?
Peter Judd: Now is the only time to play it. Game will be over soon.
Diana Taverner: Then go and get dressed. I’ll take the hit when it comes, but you are going to the Park. Down to a floor with no number. I’d wear something comfortable. Something you don’t mind ruining with piss, s**t, and blood.
Peter Judd: Now, now, Diana. I’m not suggesting mutually assured destruction.

Catherine Standish: They haven’t cuffed us. You must have the photographs.
River Cartwright: Yeah. We checkmated Taverner.
Roddy Ho: Were you planning on telling us?
Jackson Lamb: No, I was enjoying not seeing you.

Catherine Standish: Well, Ho worked out a way to track the kidnappers. Min and Louisa are chasing after them.
Jackson Lamb: My orders were pretty clear. Do f*** all! You’ve let two Slow Horses tear off in a doomed attempt to try and not make things worse.
Catherine Standish: I didn’t let them. Jackson, they’re autonomous beings.
Jackson Lamb: I just hope they only get themselves killed and don’t set an orphanage on fire.

Diana Taverner: [referring to Lamb and River] They’re going after the kidnappers, aren’t they? God, men are such boys.
Catherine Standish: Ma’am, while I appreciate you offering to include me in your circle of sisterhood, I’ll have to decline. Unless you want to fulfill the promise you made, and tell me what you know about Partner’s death?
Diana Taverner: That ship sailed, Standish, when you pulled a gun on one of my Dogs. Just think, if you’d returned my call, you’d be back at the Park tomorrow.
Catherine Standish: And why on earth would I want that?

Min Harper: [as they stop at the gas station] Did you not get any food?
Louisa Guy: You can see I didn’t. Let’s go, Min.
Min Harper: Do you mind if I nip in and get something?
Louisa Guy: Yeah, sure. Only if you don’t mind admitting at Hassan’s inquest that we arrived too late because you needed crisps.

Jackson Lamb: [after telling River that Sid is dead] Count yourself lucky.
River Cartwright: Yeah, lucky me. Yeah.
Jackson Lamb: From my end of the telescope, surviving’s the short straw. By the time I was your age, I’d lost a baker’s dozen. It was bad enough when the Wall was up, but once they reduced it to bricks and rubble, everything went to s**t. Whole networks of joes rounded up, blown. I haven’t forgotten any of them. And I won’t forget Sid. Besides, she was the only one of you…
River Cartwright: Who wasn’t complete s**t. Yeah. Yeah. You’ve said that.
Jackson Lamb: Any rate, the moral of the story is, get used to death. Because you’re going to see a lot more of it. And if that scares you, then open the door and roll out now.

Min Harper: I’ve run out of petrol.
Louisa Guy: Are you f***ing kidding? How can we be out of petrol? We were just at a petrol station.
Min Harper: Well, hang on. We weren’t stopping for petrol.
Louisa Guy: Yeah, I know, Min. Otherwise you’d have got f***ing petrol!

Min Harper: I was distracted. I was thinking about stuff.
Louisa Guy: What stuff? Huh?
Min Harper: I don’t know. Nothing.
Louisa Guy: No. No one thinks about nothing, Min, unless they’re a Zen master. Are you a f***ing Zen master?
Min Harper: No, I’m not! No, I’m tired. I was thinking about sleeping. Food, you know. F***.
Louisa Guy: Oh, my God.
Min Harper: What?
Louisa Guy: You were thinking about sex.
Min Harper: No.
Louisa Guy: Yes, you were. Specifically about shagging me.

Min Harper: Look, it’s been a while for me, okay?
Louisa Guy: Since you had sex?
Min Harper: No. No. Since I’ve been with someone who doesn’t completely f***ing loathe me. And, you know, us kissing in the stairwell, that was, I mean, that was good. It was great. But then us going upstairs with the paperweight, and the stapler, that was amazing. I mean, that was, you know, we were good. We were a team. You know. I mean, we had each other’s back.
Louisa Guy: Bit cheesy. And now we’ve got no petrol, and no way to catch up to the b****rds, so.
Min Harper: We were never going to catch them, were we? Just felt good being part of something, didn’t it, you know?

Louisa Guy: Two years.
Min Harper: Since you last had sex?
Louisa Guy: God, no.
Min Harper: Since someone had my back.

River Cartwright: [as they pass Min and Louisa on the road] You not going to stop?
Jackson Lamb: We’re ten minutes from Harwich. Dogs, bad guys, guns. You want to miss the show?

Roddy Ho: You are at the right location. I’ve done my bit. Over to you.
Min Harper: Right. Ho, there’s no “I” in “team”, but there is a big “f*** you” in f*** you.

Jackson Lamb: This is the place. Three men came into the woods. One came out. I’m assuming the one who took the van to Harwich.
River Cartwright: How do you know?
Jackson Lamb: Reading the signs of the earth.
Min Harper: What, like snapped branches, trampled grass?
Jackson Lamb: No, you dozy sod. The dead body over there.

Hassan Ahmed: Can you ring my parents?
River Cartwright: I don’t really have a phone at the minute. Sorry.
Hassan Ahmed: What kind of spy are you?
River Cartwright: Yeah. Hard to tell, really.

Min Harper: I’ve got a bottle of wine in the desk, if anyone wants to celebrate.
Jackson Lamb: Celebrate? What?
Min Harper: Well, we saved him.
Jackson Lamb: How? You were useless.
Roddy Ho: I tracked the van.
Jackson Lamb: Yeah, to Harwich, where the Dogs were waiting for him. Thanks to me squeezing Lady Di.
River Cartwright: Yeah, well, I actually did save him. Whilst he was being shot at and threatened with an axe.
Jackson Lamb: The kid saved himself, with a rock.
River Cartwright: I just love these team talks, I really do.

Jackson Lamb: Come on, everyone. Back to work!
Catherine Standish: It’s Saturday.
Jackson Lamb: Then everyone pi** off!

Louisa Guy: [after she turns down staying for a drink] But I am free tonight for some drinks, or maybe some food, or something. Yeah.
Min Harper: Yeah. Great. Sounds good. Yeah, I’m just thinking, how about, well, how about I just actually stop talking before I spoil everything?
Louisa Guy: Smart.

Roddy Ho: There’s no record of her ever having been at the hospital. And, when I pop through my own private backdoor into MI5’s database, there’s no record of her whatsoever.
River Cartwright: So what does that mean?
Roddy Ho: It means, far as you know, and even as far as Roddy Ho knows, which is a f*** of a lot farther than anyone has ever known, there is going to be no funeral, or memorial service, or so much as drinks at the pub for Sidonie Baker. Because no one named Sidonie Baker ever existed.

River Cartwright: Well, thing is, Roddy, you’re in Slough House because you’re too good. You showed everyone else up. Made them all look bad, so they shoved you in here.
Roddy Ho: Figures. Tried to cage me up, but you can’t cage a dragon.

Jackson Lamb: [to Diana] Do you know what boils my pi**? Is that you won. Boy saved, you get to look like a hero. Made your boss look even more of a hero.

Diana Taverner: I’m assuming you don’t want Struan Loy back.
Jackson Lamb: Well, you put him in a very difficult position, Diana. Betray me, get back to the Park. Or don’t, and be cast into the wilderness.
Diana Taverner: He betrayed you, so wilderness.
Jackson Lamb: F*** yeah.
Diana Taverner: And River Cartwright?

David Cartwright: So you thought, what? Diana Taverner would confess her sins, in order to benefit your career, while simultaneously destroying her own? Tad naive, wouldn’t you say?
River Cartwright: Moscow rules, watch your back. London rules, cover your a**. Yeah. I seem to have covered her a**, while she stabbed me straight in the back.
David Cartwright: I will permit one evening of indulgent self-recrimination, which will end when I nod off after approximately twenty minutes.

David Cartwright: [to River] You need to get your head down. Keep your nose clean, and then maybe, just maybe, there’s a way back in. Oh, come on. Even the best spies have their time in the cold. Smiley was always coming back from redundancy.

Jackson Lamb: [referring to Catherine’s partner, Charles] I gave him the gun.
Catherine Standish: Why?
Jackson Lamb: Because he asked for one. And he was my friend. This was after the Wall came down. Cold War scores were being settled. And he told me he’d seen some old, unfriendly faces. I thought he was being paranoid. But, you know, what if I was wrong, and he ended… Well, it threw my mojo off. Put a dent in my armor. I didn’t want to be in the field. I wanted to be a civilian even less. So, this is why I asked for this place. Somewhere where I could run out the clock, nothing matters, and no one gets hurt. Oh, come on. One of us has to leave the room now. And I’m just too f***ing tired.
[in flashback we see it was Lamb who killed Charles, with Cartwright as his accomplice]