Slow Horses Best Quotes (TV Series Seasons 1-4)

Our list of the best quotes from Apple TV+ spy thriller series based on the novel of the same name by Mick Herron. Slow Horses follows a team of British intelligence agents, led by Jackson Lamb (Gary Oldman), who due to their career-ending mistakes, have been banished to the agency’s lowest department, an administrative purgatory for service rejects, known as slow horses. However, because of the newly-exiled agent, River Cartwright (Jack Lowden), determination to get back on the field, the unlikely team gets caught up in a top-secret dangerous mission.

Season 2

Season 3

Season 4

Slow Horses is available to watch on Apple TV+.

Season 1 Quotes

Jackson Lamb: I thought spooks were supposed to be stealthy. Another day dawns on MI-F***ing Useless.

Catherine Standish: [as River’s going through the garbage] What are you looking for?
River Cartwright: A reason not to blow my brains out.

Roddy Ho: [to Catherine] Is today the day you finally give me something remotely challenging?

River Cartwright: I don’t know what I’m looking for.
Jackson Lamb: Yeah. The remnants of a once promising career.

Is it me, or did all the fun go out of everything around 1979? - Slow Horses Season 1 Quotes

Jackson Lamb: Is it me, or did all the fun go out of everything around 1979?

Jackson Lamb: What’s all this “we”? There is no “we”. There’s just me telling you what to do.

Jackson Lamb: The last time you were given any sort of responsibility, a load of innocent people got blown to bits.
River Cartwright: And there it is.
Jackson Lamb: Well, I’m sorry you find it so tiresome, Cartwright, but it’s not the social faux pas you seem to think it was. You didn’t break wind during someone’s wedding vows.

Jackson Lamb: If a pilot crashes a simulator, he doesn’t then brush it off and go, “Well, I’m sorry. It was a f***ing exercise,” and then expect to be put behind the wheel of a 747.
River Cartwright: It’s not the same thing.
Jackson Lamb: No. It’s worse, you tit.

River Cartwright: You’re going to do this every day then?
Jackson Lamb: Well, if I didn’t hate the sight of you, I’d come to your home, and do it at the weekends too.

Jackson Lamb: I am surrounded by f***ups in this building, but you are the gold standard of f***ups. By all rights, you shouldn’t even be here. You should’ve skipped this purgatory and gone straight to hell. Melted you down for glue. But you avoided that because your name is Cartwright. So when you wonder why I have you going through the rubbish of a disgraced right-wing journo, wonder no more. It’s because I don’t like you. And I want you to quit.
River Cartwright: I’ll just get back to retching then, shall I?

Failure is contagious. - Slow Horses Season 1 Quotes

River Cartwright: Sid’s gone for coffee.
Jackson Lamb: No, she’s already had coffee. She was getting away from you. Failure is contagious.

River Cartwright: There’s no lives in your hands here in HR, is there?
Spider Webb: Yeah, and what have you got in your hands at Slough House, apart from your d**k?

River Cartwright: Yeah, you see, if you have to explain a joke, it’s because it’s not working.

Catherine Standish: What did your last servant die of?
Jackson Lamb: What did your last boss die of?

Sid Baker: Oh, cry me a river, River. No, seriously, as a friend…
River Cartwright: As a friend? Are we friends? I don’t think I’m ready to make that kind of commitment, to be honest with you.

Sid Baker: Look, what I’m seeing right now is just not good for your dating profile.
River Cartwright: What are you? My dating coach?
Sid Baker: Absolutely not. That would be a full-time job.

Jackson Lamb: If people are happy to spend time in this building after 5:00 PM, then I’m not really doing my job.

Jackson Lamb: At the end of the working day, your pitiful, miserable time is your own. But if I find out you are indulging in extracurricular activities that could upset the equilibrium of this blessed sanctuary, then I will make it so that you wish you were in a Siberian gulag.

River Cartwright: Lamb’s been there years, so they’ve obviously never forgiven him. The man practically lives there. Was he ever actually good? I can’t imagine it.

River Cartwright: Moscow rules, watch your back. London rules, cover your a**.

Bringing you up to speed is like trying to explain Norway to a dog. - Slow Horses Season 1 Quotes

Jackson Lamb: Oh, you people are slow. Bringing you up to speed is like trying to explain Norway to a dog.

River Cartwright: [referring to the hostage situation] Alright, so what do we do then?
Jackson Lamb: What we always do here. Absolutely nothing.

Jackson Lamb: When Cartwright comes back, tie him to his desk by his bollocks. I want my people in here, doing nothing.

Catherine Standish: Where were you?
River Cartwright: Just getting some air.
Catherine Standish: We have air in here.
River Cartwright: Yeah, well, it’s pretty fetid.

Roddy Ho: I’m from the streets. Sometimes I talk street.

All Season 1 Best Quotes

Lamb's a burnout for a reason. - Slow Horses Season 1 Quotes

Diana Taverner: Moody, a word of warning. Lamb’s a burnout for a reason. When he was in the field, he had a lot more to worry about than screwups like you. He risked being caught, tortured, and shot, and he survived. Might want to bear that in mind.

Jackson Lamb: [as Catherine is about to enter his office] I’d hang back if I were you. God. I have just let one rip. It’s a killer.

Louisa Guy: You doing anything tonight?
Min Harper: I’m praying for a lottery win. But I mean, that’s not, you know, necessarily location specific. I could do that on the move.

Jackson Lamb: [to River] A shoe in a bag? I’m embarrassed for you.

Jackson Lamb: [referring to being back in the office] If this is nicer than going back to your place, I pity you.

Min Harper: [referring to Jed] I didn’t mean to kill him.
Jackson Lamb: Of course you didn’t. If you meant to kill him, he’d still be alive.

Peter Judd: Robert Hobden, as I live and breathe and shag like a lord.

Diana Taverner: What do you think you’re playing at?
Jackson Lamb: Well, that’s f***ing choice, considering I lent you an agent for what you said was a run of the mill op, who now has a bullet in her head. So, “What do you think you’re playing at?” is my line, with a few f***ing f***s thrown in.

Jackson Lamb: [as he passes gas] Better out than in.
Diana Taverner: Oh, God. You’re vile.
Jackson Lamb: [as takes a sniff] Actually, maybe not.

Diana Taverner: [referring to Moody] He’s dead?
Jackson Lamb: It’s hard to tell, given his IQ, but yes.

Jackson Lamb: [after Diana’s asked for his help] I’ve got other things I could do tonight, Diana. I’ve got a really massive s**t brewing. I could sit and read a book and birth that beauty.

Diana Taverner: Was Moody alone when he died?
Jackson Lamb: We’re all alone in the end, don’t you think, Diana? In those final moments?

They're my losers. - Slow Horses Season 1 Quotes

Diana Taverner: God, you really care about them, don’t you?
Jackson Lamb: No. I think they’re a bunch of f***ing losers. But they’re my losers.

Diana Taverner: For what it’s worth, I’m sorry about Baker.
Jackson Lamb: I’ll have that marked on her chart. You know, the one that clips to the bottom of her bed that tells you when her catheter needs changing.

Min Harper: I FaceTime my kids on this.
Jackson Lamb: I don’t care if you A**Time the Pope on it. Give it to me.

Roddy Ho: Why the f*** are you here?
River Cartwright: There’s been a complaint about your music. It’s s**t.

Catherine Standish: How badly hurt is Sid?
Jackson Lamb: Not as badly hurt as Moody’s dead.

Jackson Lamb: [referring to Diana] Tell her she best interrogate me in a room with a window. I had a lamb bhuna earlier that’s going to make its presence felt.

Jackson Lamb: It’s the covering of the tracks that always gets you in the end.

Jackson Lamb: How did you know my Y-fronts are nylon?
Catherine Standish: Because I have to buy them for you.
Jackson Lamb: Drip-dry. Very efficient.

Roddy Ho: [referring to River and Sid] Went to try and wake Sleeping Beauty. Sid. She’s in a coma and is a beauty. Or was, till she got shot in the head.

Jackson Lamb: Look, I don’t normally do these kind of speeches, but this feels like a big moment, and if it all turns to s**t, I might not see any of you again. You’re f***ing useless. The lot of you. Working with you has been the lowest point in a disappointing career.

Min Harper: What do we do?
Jackson Lamb: Well, try not to get caught for as long as you can. My money’s on about thirty minutes.

Louisa Guy: Well, we can try and save Hassan.
Jackson Lamb: Oh, that’d be a sure way to get him killed. Go lock yourselves in a toilet somewhere.

River Cartwright: You were there too. Why didn’t you check?
Jackson Lamb: Because I’ve earned the right not to.

Jackson Lamb: I can blow the whistle on you.
Diana Taverner: You don’t have a whistle. All you have is a CV littered with dead Joes.

Jackson Lamb: [to Diana] I think your attention’s been split between finding him and burning me!

River Cartwright: [to Lamb] I could have called them if you hadn’t thrown away Min and Louisa’s phones. Should let them know they’re not being hunted anymore, in case they’re halfway through some dodgy backstreet plastic surgery.

Catherine Standish: Well, who was I to say was calling? “Oh, hello, Scotland Yard? I’m with the punishment detail at MI5. Although at present, they’re hunting me for the kidnapping that I’m trying to help you solve.”

Jackson Lamb: My orders were pretty clear. Do f*** all! You’ve let two Slow Horses tear off in a doomed attempt to try and not make things worse.
Catherine Standish: I didn’t let them. Jackson, they’re autonomous beings.
Jackson Lamb: I just hope they only get themselves killed and don’t set an orphanage on fire.

Diana Taverner: [referring to Lamb and River] They’re going after the kidnappers, aren’t they? God, men are such boys.

Jackson Lamb: [to his team] Get used to death. Because you’re going to see a lot more of it. And if that scares you, then open the door and roll out now.

Min Harper: Look, it’s been a while for me, okay?
Louisa Guy: Since you had sex?
Min Harper: No. No. Since I’ve been with someone who doesn’t completely f***ing loathe me.

Louisa Guy: And now we’ve got no petrol, and no way to catch up to the b****rds, so.
Min Harper: We were never going to catch them, were we? Just felt good being part of something, didn’t it, you know?

Roddy Ho: You are at the right location. I’ve done my bit. Over to you.
Min Harper: Right. Ho, there’s no “I” in “team”, but there is a big “f*** you” in f*** you.

River Cartwright: How do you know?
Jackson Lamb: Reading the signs of the earth.
Min Harper: What, like snapped branches, trampled grass?
Jackson Lamb: No, you dozy sod. The dead body over there.

River Cartwright: I don’t really have a phone at the minute. Sorry.
Hassan Ahmed: What kind of spy are you?
River Cartwright: Yeah. Hard to tell, really.

Jackson Lamb: Come on, everyone. Back to work!
Catherine Standish: It’s Saturday.
Jackson Lamb: Then everyone pi** off!

David Cartwright: I will permit one evening of indulgent self-recrimination, which will end when I nod off after approximately twenty minutes.

David Cartwright: [to River] You need to get your head down. Keep your nose clean, and then maybe, just maybe, there’s a way back in. Oh, come on. Even the best spies have their time in the cold. Smiley was always coming back from redundancy.

Jackson Lamb: [to Catherine] I didn’t want to be in the field. I wanted to be a civilian even less. So, this is why I asked for this place. Somewhere where I could run out the clock, nothing matters, and no one gets hurt. Oh, come on. One of us has to leave the room now. And I’m just too f***ing tired.

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