Slow Horses is available to watch on Apple TV+.
Season 3 Quotes
Husband: [referring to Lamb as a homeless man] He’s making odors. It’s upsetting my wife.
Doctor’s Receptionist: There’s not much I can do about that, I’m afraid.
Jackson Lamb: It’s my colon. Terminal.
Doctor: Has it really been a year?
Jackson Lamb: It has. My balls are hanging a bit lower. But apart from that, all good.
Doctor: I’ll just take your blood pressure. Then we’ll get you on the treadmill.
Jackson Lamb: If you put me on a treadmill, you’ll be done for manslaughter.
Doctor: You need to do some light exercise, an hour’s walk a day, and watch what you eat.
Jackson Lamb: I think the time has passed for that, don’t you? Dodgy vindaloo and some steep steps should finish me off. Can’t think of a better way to go.
Catherine Standish: You can push things away, but sooner or later, you have to deal with them.
Sean Donovan: And secrets will always come out. There will always be a reckoning.
Diana Taverner: Can you just think before you speak, then perhaps not speak?
Douglas: Message received and understood.
Diana Taverner: But not yet applied.
Roddy Ho: What’s up, Ho-bros? Ho-bros. You’re my bros, but you’re also hoboes.
Douglas: As you can see, we have ample storage for George and Ringo-level files. The Paul and John-level still stored at the Park. Now, I find the nomenclature just a little harsh. Big George Harrison fan. I went through a bit of a transcendental phase myself, actually, which did result in a minor breakdown. But here I am.
Roddy Ho: [referring to Louisa] She’s sending out the Bat-Signal, but treating me like the Joker.
Louisa Guy: What does pi**ed-off Catherine look like?
River Cartwright: Exactly the same, which makes it worse.
Louisa Guy: [referring to Lamb making coffee] If he’s doing anything for himself, something’s up.
River Cartwright: Well, let’s film it then.
Jackson Lamb: [to Louisa] Oh, it’s good to know all those late nights and meaningless sex haven’t dulled your senses.
Jackson Lamb: [to River] And you’re only making these dumb suggestions because you don’t want to admit that you might’ve f***ed up. So why don’t you just tell me what happened, and I’ll decide how much I hurt you?
Shirley Dander: [referring to Catherine] This is exactly how I imagined her flat.
Marcus Longridge: Yeah? How do you imagine Ho’s?
Shirley Dander: Human skulls, stolen underwear, pictures of Louisa with her eyes cut out.
Louisa Guy: [referring to the cost of an Americano] Did the coffee beans fly in first class? Absolute thieves.
Jackson Lamb: You lot are about as much use as a paper condom.
Diana Taverner: [to River] I don’t want you in this building ever. You are the bane of my career. When you show up, frogs start raining from the sky and blood pours from the taps.
River Cartwright: Feels like I should go.
Diana Taverner: Yes. Keep walking until you get to the sea. And when you get to the sea, keep walking with your mouth open.
Hobbs: [to River] Your lecture on how not to end up in Slough House should just be you saying, “Don’t be a twat,” over and over again for an hour.
Roddy Ho: This must be how Jesus felt, surrounded by d**kheads.
Shirley Dander: Yeah, he was famously hated by everyone who met him.
Roddy Ho: Cartwright’s at the Park.
Jackson Lamb: What the f*** is he doing at the Park? He’s about as welcome there as a turd in a hot tub.
Sam Chapman: There are three firms that can mount that kind of op. Stormbreak and Strike Force.
Jackson Lamb: Jesus Christ. F***ing names. Why don’t they just go for Rock Hard C**ks?
Jackson Lamb: You might think you’re hot stuff, Cartwright, but in fact, you’re cold s**t.
River Cartwright: I just broke in and out of the Park. That’s not nothing.
Jackson Lamb: Oh, I take that back. Thank you for the sun which shines out of your a**.
Jackson Lamb: [referring to Catherine being threatened] Well, I’d done what they said. Then once they let her go, I’d have killed every one of the b****rds.
Jackson Lamb: [to River] If they threatened to kill you, on the other hand, I’d buy them a beer and the bullets.
Louisa Guy: S**t happens. You pick yourself up and move on. And, you know, that’s life. You move forward. That’s all you can do. You move forward towards your own death. Diana Taverner: Do you really think that you are happier than me at Slough House?
Jackson Lamb: So, Sly. Now, that’s a terrible name. What’s it short for? Slime?
Chauffeur: [as Lamb leaves Sly’s car after breaking wind] I advise you to leave quickly.
Jackson Lamb: I’d advise you to leave the windows open.
Spider Webb: They reached out to me as an ex-employee, and set me the task of selecting the biggest sucker on the books. I got to say, it didn’t take long. R to the I to the V-E-R.
Peter Judd: If you’ve come to tell me what you think of me, I should warn you, I have an incredibly thick skin. So your barbs might not wound as much as you hope.
Jackson Lamb: Oh, I’m sorry to disappoint. I don’t think of you at all.
Jackson Lamb: Who was it who said, “You cannot reason with a tiger when your head is in its mouth?”
Roddy Ho: [referring to Catherine] Looks like she’s in a house.
Jackson Lamb: Well, that narrows it down. Employee of the week.
Jackson Lamb: Alright, make this quick. I’ve got underlings to bully. I’m busy.
Shirley Dander: [referring to Lamb] “You’re f***ing fired. I’ve got f***ing hemorrhoids that are more f***ing use than you.” That was the message.
David Cartwright: What happened to your face?
River Cartwright: Oh, it was a filing accident.
River Cartwright: I had to see my grandfather.
Jackson Lamb: Well, I hope you gave the old b****rd my disregards.
Jackson Lamb: Well, if this is going somewhere, great. But I really don’t need to know the ins and outs of a cat’s a**.
Marcus Longridge: You’re honestly firing me too?
Jackson Lamb: Christ. It’s like you can’t sack anyone around here without a phrase book.
Jackson Lamb: [as he sees Ho’s car] F*** me with a wire brush.
Roddy Ho: I know. Total pu**y magnet.
Jackson Lamb: Shut up.
Roddy Ho: Got it. Strap in. This baby’s g-forces will hit you right in the tits.
Jackson Lamb: No, seriously. Shut up. Or it’ll be me hitting you in the tits.
Louisa Guy: I think I’m pretty self-aware.
River Cartwright: Ironically, that statement demonstrates a complete lack of self-awareness.
Chieftain Receptionist: Excuse me. Do you have an appointment?
Hobbs: Yes, love.
Chieftain Receptionist: In what name?
Hobbs: James Bond to see Mickey Mouse.
River Cartwright: Yeah. No, you’re right. You do. You sound like you’re in a great place.
River Cartwright: Sorry. Have we met?
Douglas: No. No. But I know your handiwork. Your itemizing skills are, pardon my French, absolument merde. Which is genuine French for “absolutely s**t.”
Diana Taverner: Oh, my God. So I’m relying on the Slow Horses to save me.
Ingrid Tearney: Yes, you are. Tell me, have they ever saved you before?
Douglas: Where in the name of Gandalf’s dangly gray balls are you going?
Marcus Longridge: Hit a s**t streak recently, which only means a golden streak is coming.
Jackson Lamb: I fired Scratch and Sniff a little while ago, maybe they’re still kicking around the office nicking pens and toilet rolls.
River Cartwright: I’ve called Slough House.
Louisa Guy: That’s our cavalry?
River Cartwright: Yeah.
Louisa Guy: Great. Kill me now.
River Cartwright: Which f***ing side are we on?
Louisa Guy: I’m on the “stay alive” side.
Nick Duffy: Must have been scary for you. Blowing the doors off, coming at you with guns.
Douglas: Well, I won’t need a colonic for a while. Not that I’m into that. It actually gets rid of a lot of essential bacteria from your gut, and, well, you need those guys. Your bacteria are your friends, in terms of your digestion. Like I have very firm stools.
Nick Duffy: You’re in shock. Yeah. It makes you lose your inhibitions, talk a lot.
Douglas: No. I am always like this.
Roddy Ho: That’s a hundred and eighty pounds smart mug.
Jackson Lamb: A hundred and eighty quid? You’re the mug.
Marcus Longridge: I got this for an emergency. You know, sort of a, I don’t know, hundred-to-one type situation.
Shirley Dander: What have you got for a thousand-to-one situation? A f***ing nuke?
Shirley Dander: [as they’re being shot at] You smiling?
Marcus Longridge: Yeah. I feel f***ing alive. Don’t you?
Shirley Dander: No. I feel really close to death actually.
Shirley Dander: [as they’re being shot at] I don’t think I want my job back this badly.
Jackson Lamb: [after Ho crashes into the house with the bus] Can you talk me through your thinking here?
Roddy Ho: Take out the bad guys. Did I get anyone?
Jackson Lamb: No. We already did that.
Roddy Ho: [after destroying the house] It’s a good excuse for a makeover. What? Seriously. Insurance means you can get it done up better than before.
Jackson Lamb: No, I don’t think insurance will cover it. Deliberate destruction using a bus driven by a f***ing idiot.
Catherine Standish: [to Lamb] You don’t want people to see the decent side of you because it makes you feel vulnerable.
Jackson Lamb: Back to mine then?
Diana Taverner: Oh, I’d rather bathe in the canal.
Jackson Lamb: Oh, come on. You can buy me an ice cream.
Diana Taverner: You can buy yourself an ice cream. And don’t eat it in front of me. Ugh.
Jackson Lamb: Yeah, I do. And I’m f***ing miserable.