Starring: Russell Crowe, Ryan Gosling, Matt Bomer, Kim Basinger, Margaret Qualley, Jack Kilmer



Comedy thriller directed and co-written by Shane Black in which the story is set in Los Angeles in the 1970s and follows a criminal fixer, Jackson Healy (Russell Crowe), who finds himself embroiled in a mystery surrounding a young woman’s disappearance. But it seems the only guy who can help him solve the case is a seemingly incompetent private detective, Holland March (Ryan Gosling), who he had previously roughed up as part of another job.


Best Quotes   (Total Quotes: 40)


Mrs. Miller: It’s my husband, he’s gone missing.
Holland March: Missing?
Mrs. Miller: I’m terribly worried, it’s just Fred’s never gone this long before.
[March looks over and notices the urn of ashes over the fireplace with Fred’s name on it]
Holland March: How long has he been missing?
Mrs. Miller: Since the funeral.
Holland March: Well I can start right away.


[as he’s brushing his teeth he looks up the word of the day on his calendar]
Jackson Healy: “Equanimity: The quality of being calm and even-tempered.”


[knocks on March’s front door]
Holland March: Who is it?
Jackson Healy: Messenger service.
[as March opens the door suddenly Healy hits him hard in the face]
Holland March: Fuck!
Jackson Healy: March, we’re gonna play a game.
Holland March: I think you have the wrong house.
[Healy throws March across the room]
Jackson Healy: It’s called “shut up unless you’re me”.
[he kicks March in his stomach]
Holland March: I love that game. [looking at March’s ID in his wallet]
Jackson Healy: You’re a private investigator?
Holland March: There’s twenty bucks in there, all right? Just take it.
Jackson Healy: No, I’m not here for that. I’m a messenger. Give me your left arm.
Holland March: No!
Jackson Healy: Yeah, come on.
[March struggles]
Holland March: No!
Jackson Healy: When you’re talking to your doctor you tell him you have a spiral fracture.
Holland March: No!
Jackson Healy: Deep breath.
[Healy breaks March’s arm making him howl in pain]


Jackson Healy: [voice over] I’m not in the yellow pages, but if you got trouble with someone you might ask around for me, Jackson Healy.


Judith Kuttner: [to Healy] I work for the Department of Justice, my daughter Amelia is in danger. Please find her, protect her.


[Healy calls to March as he’s sat on the toilet]
Jackson Healy: March, Jack Healy. Don’t get upset, I’m not here to hurt you, I just want to ask you a question.
[he opens his cubicle door and points his gun at Healy]
Holland March: How stupid do you think I am? I got a license to carry, dumb ass! And ever since your little visit this little baby is gonna stay right here.
[he lets go of the cubicle door to tap his pocket with his gun, as the door closes he tries to keep it open but drops the cigarette from his mouth onto himself]
Holland March: Fuck! Fuck!
[March tries to grab the cigarette, fumbles and the stall door closes again, he repeatedly slams it open with his foot, Healy looks quietly amused]
Holland March: Stay right here.


Holland March: Look away.
[Healy turns and sees March through the bathroom mirror]
Jackson Healy: You know there’s a mirror here, right?
Holland March: What do you want?


Holland March: This is a high profile case.
Jackson Healy: It made the newspapers.


Jackson Healy: You’re a private investigator? There’s a couple people that say you’re a good detective. I want you to help me with this case.
Holland March: My profession is very complicated, okay? It’s nuanced.


Holland March: Well, look who decided to show up for class?


Jackson Healy: There’s a couple of people I trust that say you’re good at this. I want you to find Amelia.
Holland March: I would have thought your job ended with breaking my fucking arm.
Holly March: You’re the guy who beat up my dad.
Jackson Healy: Hey.
Holland March: Sucker punched your dad, big difference.


Holly March: You beat people up and charge money?
Jackson Healy: Yeah.
Holland March: Sad, isn’t it?
Holly March: How much would you charge to beat up my friend Janet?
Holland March: What?
Jackson Healy: How much you got?
Holly March: Thirty bucks.
Holland March: That’s good, this conversation is over.
Jackson Healy: No, problem.


Holland March: Have you seen this girl? She’s got dark hair, her name is Amelia.
Bartender: What’s in it for me?
[points to Healy]
Holland March: He’ll stop doing it.
Bartender: Doing what?
[suddenly Healy grabs the bartender by his tie and smacks hi head on the bar counter]
Bartender: Ow! Fuck!
Holland March: That.


Holland March: Have you seen this girl?
Bartender: What’s in it for me?
Jackson Healy: Well you can do this the easy way.
[suddenly Healy grabs the bartender by his tie and smacks hi head on the bar counter]
Bartender: Ow!
Jackson Healy: We’re currently doing it the easy way.
Bartender: Whatever happened to offering me twenty bucks?
Holland March: It’s the recession.


Holland March: What the hell is going on?
Jackson Healy: Oh, yeah, there’s guy coming to kill us. That kind of crap.


[at a late night party]
Holly March: Dad, there’s like whores here and stuff.
Holland March: Sweetheart, how many times have I told you? Don’t say “and stuff”, just say, “Dad, there are whores here.”


Holland March: Where are you going?
Jackson Healy: I think this is going to work better if we split up.
Holland March: Wow, that’s really insensitive.


Holland March: Munich.
Jackson Healy: What?
Holland March: Guy without his balls. A Munich.
Jackson Healy: Munich, is a city in Germany, Munich. München.
Holland March: You sure?
Jackson Healy: My dad was stationed there.
Holland March: Right. Hitler only had one ball.


[March and Healy meet with Amelia’s Mother, Judith Kuttner]
Judith Kuttner: First of all I want to say I thank you. We’ve been watching interviews and it sounds like you might have saved my daughter’s life.
Jackson Healy: That was mostly Holly, his daughter.
Holland March: It’s genetics.
Judith Kuttner: I need your help. I want to know if I can trust you.
Jackson Healy: I’m kind of getting the idea that, you know, you might not have much choice.
Judith Kuttner: Well my situation is very delicate.
Jackson Healy: I… That’s where I know you from, right, the TV. You’re prosecuting that car company thing.
Judith Kuttner: The lawsuit of the catalytic converter, yes, that’s half my day. The other half I spend on pornography.
Holland March: What kind? Like which films? What’s your favorite?
Jackson Healy: No, no.
[Healy chuckles]
Jackson Healy: Anti, anti-porn.
Holland March: Right.
Jackson Healy: Like a crusader.
Holland March: Should I be writing this down?
Jackson Healy: Yeah, write it down.
[March takes a pen and paper]
Judith Kuttner: The Vegas Mob is trying to spread its porn operation to Hollywood Boulevard, and I’m doing everything I can to stop it.
Holland March: Thank you.
[to himself as he writes this down]
Holland March: “Porn is bad.”


Holland March: So you’re telling me you made a porno where the plot is the point?


Judith Kuttner: [to Healy] The mob is trying to spread its operation to Los Angeles. Somehow my daughter Amelia is involved. Please, find her.


Jackson Healy: [voice over] One thing we know for sure, something funny is going on.


[as they watch a guy get shot and then see him as he’s thrown out the building screaming]
Jackson Healy: Oh, this just keeps getting better and better.
[March looks like he’s about to barf]


Holly March: You’re the world’s worst detectives.
Holland March: The world’s worst.


Jackson Healy: March! Gun! Gun!
[March throws his gun towards Healy but it smashes out through the window instead]
Jackson Healy: Fuck!
Holland March: Shit!


Holland March: [screams] I’m alive!
[just then someone starts shooting at him]


Holland March: Look at the bright side, nobody got hurt.
Jackson Healy: People got hurt.
Holland March: I’m saying I think they died quickly so I don’t think that they got hurt.


[March is crying like a baby]
Holland March: Oh, my God!
Jackson Healy: Hey, can you behave like a professional.
Holland March: I’m sorry.


Jackson Healy: She’s in danger, man. We have to do something about it.
Holland March: She’s dead.
Jackson Healy: She’s not dead!
Holland March: She’s dead!
Jackson Healy: She’s not dead!
[just then Amelia lands on the hood of their car]


Holland March: [to Healy] Why do you think everyone involved with this case is dying?


Woman: Weapons on the floor.
[the woman points her gun at March]
Holland March: This is not you. You’re not a murderer.
Jackson Healy: She just killed three people.
Holland March: I know, but I’m saying deep down.


Jackson Healy: Look if you come into here, you beat up on me, it’s part of the job, I accept it. But what do you do? You piss me off.


Holland March: Before we go solving the crime of the century let’s deal with the rotting corpse.
Jackson Healy: I got a plan.


[as they’re carrying the dead body towards the fence]
Jackson Healy: Did you fall down the hill?
Holland March: I had like two or three drinks tops.
Jackson Healy: Yeah, that’s why you can’t walk straight.
Holland March: Oh, excuse me I’m carrying a dead body and I have a schvantz in my face, so I’m sorry I’m not Pakishnirov.
Jackson Healy: You can’t even say Baryshnikov!
[the put down the dead body next to the fence]
Jackson Healy: You did, didn’t you? You fell down the hill. You get drunk, you lose your gun, you take a header off the balcony, and then you’re going to tell me it’s like a hallowed time on a detective ploy right?
Holland March: It was very slippery up there, okay? I was just, I was in the pool.
Jackson Healy: You were in the pool!
Holland March: Yeah.
Jackson Healy: Why?
Holland March: I had to question the mermaids. What were you doing while I was working?
[Healy looks too flabbergasted to answer]
Holland March: Thank you.
Jackson Healy: Let’s get rid of this guy.
[they pick up the dead guy]
Holland March: Oh, God.
[March and Healy rolling the dead body over the fence, it lands on the table of neighbor next door who’s having a dinner party]
Jackson Healy: Run!


Holly March: Promise you’ll get them
Holland March: Yeah, I promise.
[puts up her little finger]
Holly March: Pinky promise?
[March reluctantly links his pinky finger to hers to promise]


Holly March: Dr. Malik, would you like a cookie? I just baked them.
Jessica: There’s none left, remember?
Holly March: No, there is a couple. Doctor?
[John Boy turns and looks around the apartment as Holly goes to the kitchen]
John Boy: I could be persuaded, after I look at Sleeping Beauty.
[as he turns we see Holly retrieve a gun from the cookie jar and point it at him]
John Boy: Oh, nurse Holly.
[he raises his arms and drops his bag]
Jessica: Holly, what are you doing? Are you crazy?
Holly March: There are handcuffs behind the bar, get them.
John Boy: This is really slowing me down, Holly.


[as they are being shot at by John Boy]
Holland March: I think I’m invincible. I don’t think I can die.
[John Boy continues to shoot at them]
Holland March: Let me.
[he steps out of his hiding place with his arms wide open]
Jackson Healy: That’s not the smart idea. March, March, March!


Holland March: I got a cool ad though. I made your head small because I know you’re sensitive how big it is.
[he shows Healy the cutout of the ad showing a drawing of their heads]
Jackson Healy: It’s terrible. Yeah.


Holland March: All right, which one of you cock-and-balls wants to make twenty bucks?


Kid on Bike: You guys want to see my dick?
Holland March: No kid, we don’t want to see your dick.

Total Quotes: 40