Starring: Robert De Niro, Zac Efron, Zoey Deutch, Aubrey Plaza, Dermot Mulroney, Julianne Hough
OUR RATING: ★★☆☆☆
Comedy directed by Dan Mazer. Dirty Grandpa (2016) follows foul-mouthed former army general Dick Kelly (Robert De Niro) who guilts his straight-laced, soon to be wed grandson Jason Kelly (Zac Efron) into driving through Daytona Beach during the insanity of spring break. What Jason believed would be an innocent grandfather and grandson road trip of golf and relaxation soon becomes riotous frat parties, bar fights, and an epic night of karaoke, as Dick is on a quest to live his life to the fullest and bring Jason along for the ride. During the trip Jason also gets some advice from Dick about marrying his fiancée Meredith (Julianne Hough), his boss’s mega-controlling daughter, who may not be right for him at all. So of course he needs to sow his oats among all the shenanigans in Florida.
Jason Kelly: [at their grandmother’s funeral] What’s up, Nick?
Cousin Nick: Sucks about grandma, huh?
Jason Kelly: Yeah.
Cousin Nick: Murdered like that?
Jason Kelly: Nick, she had cancer.
Cousin Nick: We’ll never know the truth.
Jason Kelly: We absolutely know the truth. Grandma had cancer for ten years. Calm it down.
Cousin Nick: [starts pouring his drink all over their grandmother’s flowers on her casket] I’ll see you at the crossroads, grandma!
Jason Kelly: [grabs the bottle and pulls Nick away] What are you doing?! Are you kidding me right now? My dad and my fiancé are literally standing right next to us.
Cousin Nick: Beyoncé’s here?
Jason Kelly: No!
Jason Kelly: [referring to the E-Cigarette] What is that?
Cousin Nick: Hm?
Jason Kelly: [takes off Nick’s sunglasses to look at his eyes] Are you high right now?
Cousin Nick: No, this isn’t high. It’s an E-Cigarette. It’s filled with a little weed, but it’s an E-Cigarette.
Jason Kelly: Grow up, man. What are you doing?
Cousin Nick: Grow up? How adult are you? What are you listening to NPR in your Volvo? Do you play racquetball competitively against business associates?
Jason Kelly: No. No.
Cousin Nick: Do you ever go away to a rented house with other couples and then play Scattergories a bottle of white wine?
David Kelly: I don’t understand why you have to drive down to Florida; you’ve just had the funeral.
Dick Kelly: Your grandmother and I were there at this time every year.
Jason Kelly: I got to pick up my grandpa. He’s not doing too well, my grandma just passed.
Meredith: Why do you have to Florida? It’s just with the rehearsal brunch on Friday, I’m freaking out.
Jason Kelly: You don’t have to worry about anything.
Dick Kelly: So you’re a lawyer now?
Jason Kelly: Being a corporate lawyer is awesome. I get to handle SCC Compliants.
Dick Kelly: No s**t?
Jason Kelly: LP Agreements, LLC Agreements.
Dick Kelly: You know what I’d rather do?
Jason Kelly: What?
Dick Kelly: I’d rather Queen Latifah s**t in my mouth from a f***ing hot air balloon.
Lenore: Hey! We’re heading to Daytona. So you guys want to tag along for a bit maybe, party some babies into us?
Jason Kelly: We have a very important tee time.
Dick Kelly: Obviously I’ve got the bigger three-wood.
Lenore: Good, maybe you can use it to hit your balls right into my v***na.
Jason Kelly: Holy s**t!
Jason Kelly: We’re not going to Daytona! Are you kidding me right now?! Grandma’s funeral was yesterday!
Dick Kelly: She told me on her deathbed, you get back out there again!
Jason Kelly: Oh, so that’s what all this about? You wanted me to drive you down to Boga so I could be your wingman.
Dick Kelly: I haven’t had sex in fifteen years, and I want f***, f***, f***, f***, f***, f***!
Jason Kelly: I’m going to throw up.
Dick Kelly: Did ever go on spring break?
Jason Kelly: No. I can’t chug alcohol, I developed like a gag reflex.
Dick Kelly: You’re chugging a bear not taking it on a horse cart.
Jason Kelly: [inside a surf shop] I don’t understand how we got so far off schedule.
Dick Kelly: Anybody work here?
Tan Pam: [suddenly appears in a horse mask pointing a gun] Okay, everybody on the floor!
Jason Kelly: What the f…!
Tan Pam: This is a robbery!
Tan Pam: [akes off his mask] Oh, my God! You should see your faces. I just went to grab lunch and a new horse mask, I left mine at the beach the other day. Wooh! Gun’s real though.
Tan Pam: [as he fires the gun several times] Relax. This is Florida, everything is a licensed gun range.
Jason Kelly: You just shot through a wall, man! Half pedestrians outside!
Tan Pam: Yeah, again, it’s Florida. These people don’t matter.
Jason Kelly: What?!
Tan Pam: So, welcome to Tan Pam’s Surfs Lamb. What can I do for you gentlemen? I’m Pam.
Dick Kelly: I’m just going to check the testosterone levels on your phone first.
Jason Kelly: Grandpa, give me my phone now.
Dick Kelly: Just as I thought, pretty low.
Jason Kelly: This is Meredith calling!
Dick Kelly: [as Jason goes to grab his phone it falls down under Dick’s car seat] Now look what you did. You dropped it in the car’s v***na.
Jason Kelly: Dammit. I have to put it on speaker. Don’t say anything.
Dick Kelly: I will not say a word.
Dick Kelly: [as Jason answers Meredith’s calls] Ballbags!
Meredith: Hey. Who is that?
Jason Kelly: No one. We’re in a restaurant, sorry.
Meredith: [as Dick mocks Meredith’s voice] Who’s that?
Jason Kelly: What’s up?
Meredith: Okay. Well, I really want them to post our wedding announcement on the New York Time’s website before our rehearsal lunch Friday. So just wanted to run your section back to you.
Jason Kelly: Yeah, you know, now’s really not a good time.
Meredith: Jason, can we just do this please?
Meredith: [we see Dick continue to quietly make fun of Meredith] Jason Richard Kelly, son of…
Dick Kelly: Dr. Smegmovon Boxmunchers.
Meredith: …David and Brook. Is a junior associate at the law firm of…
Dick Kelly: Cream pie, fart and donkey punch.
Meredith: Okay, who is that?!
Drunk Guy: [falls on top of Jason’s windscreen] Daytona Beach!
Dick Kelly: Daytona Beach! You’re right, buddy!
Meredith: You’re in Daytona Beach?!
Jason Kelly: Listen, we’re just driving through Daytona Beach. We’re in route…
Meredith: Jason! I don’t know why you’re there, you better call me from your grandfather’s house when you get there tonight! Okay?
Jason Kelly: No. Hey, you know one in three of these girls have herpes. Even if you can’t see it.
Dick Kelly: [squeezes too much sun cream onto Lenore’s chest] Whoops. That never usually happens.
Lenore: Really? It happens to me all the time.
Dick Kelly: [to Jason, referring to Meredith] She’s not right for you! If you marry her you’re going to be sleeping walking through the rest of your life.
Dick Kelly: The way I see it, this is our last stab.
Tan Pam: This is crack.
Jason Kelly: I just smoked crack?
Tan Pam: Yeah, but just like a lot.
Jason Kelly: I just smoked crack!
Dick Kelly: [to Jason] I need you to know how much I appreciate you doing this for me.
Jason Kelly: Did you just get naked?
Dick Kelly: Yeah, it’s the best way to sleep.
Jason Kelly: Oh, my God!
Dick Kelly: Are those my pants?
Lenore: I found a Werther’s Original in the pocket and I’ve been sucking on it all morning.
Lenore: I want you to tear open my bra like it’s a social security check. Now fumble around and pretend like you’re trying to find your glasses.
Dick Kelly: [Lenore pushes her chest into his face] I found them! I can see!
Dick Kelly: The greatest gift a grandson can give his grandfather is a hot college girl who wants to have unprotected sex with her before he dies.
Jason Kelly: You know, most grandpa’s just want toffee or socks.
Lenore: I like your pull out couch.
Dick Kelly: Yeah? Well I got news for you, that’s the only thing that’s going to be pulling out tonight.
Stinky: [referring to Jason] Who’s the lesbian?
Dick Kelly: My grandson, Jason.
Stinky: Is he here to scissor with me?