Starring: Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell, Kathryn Hahn, Jada Pinkett Smith, Christina Applegate, Lilly Singh, Annie Mumolo
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Comedy written and directed by Jon Lucas and Scott Moore. Bad Moms (2016) centers on Amy Mitchell (Mila Kunis), who has a seemingly perfect life, over-achieving kids, beautiful home and a career. However she’s over-worked, over-committed and exhausted to the point that she’s about to snap. When the PTA alpha moms (Christina Applegate and Jada Pinkett Smith) at her kids’ school push her too far, Amy finally snaps. Fed up, she joins forces with two other over-stressed moms (Kathryn Hahn and Kristen Bell), on a quest to liberate themselves from conventional responsibilities, going on a wild, un-mom-like binge of long overdue freedom, fun and self-indulgence putting them on a collision course with the PTA perfect moms.
Amy: I’m Amy Mitchell, and I’m a mom. I had my first kid when I was twenty years-old, and I’ve been running late ever since. My days are filled with dropping the kids at school, then racing to work where I have meeting, after meeting, after meeting. I usually end up eating a s**tty lunch at my desk, and I try to work out once a week. Why do I suck at Zumba? Most days, I race back to school for the kids plays, and poetry readings and class projects, which I’m always late for. And then there’s PTA meetings, and volunteering and parent-teacher conferences. Jesus, Miss Wiggins f***ing hates me. At least once a day, I feel like the worst mom in the world, and I cry in my car. Then I shuttle the kids to piano lessons and soccer games and dance classes and doctors’ appointments, before my daily trip to the grocery store. This chick seems like she’s got it all figured out. But I feel like I’m screwing up all the time. Still, I love being a mom.
Amy: Okay, so your dad had to go out of town on a business trip, so I’m going to try to do everything myself today, which should be fine, as long as everybody does what they are supposed to do. Right?
Amy: [the family dog limps into the kitchen] Oh, no.
Gwendolyn: [referring to Kiki] Oh, my God. She just got all her sadness all over me.
Stacy: You know what? I saw him install a car seat yesterday in two seconds. I’m telling you, it was like, boom, boom, click. It was so hot.
Vicky: Oh, gosh.
Stacy: You know what? I think I’d let him put it in my butt. I mean, in theory, I’m not really into the butt thing, but I would let him go to town back there.
Vicky: I’m with you.
Amy: [pulling up in front of her kids school] Okay, I got four minutes to get Roscoe to the vet, so I love you kids, get out, get out, get out, get out. I love you so much. I’m so sorry.
Dylan: Bye, Mom.
Amy: [Gwendolyn knocks on her car window, taking her by surprise and she sprays herself with her hot coffee] Oh, my God! F***, it’s so hot!
Gwendolyn: Can you roll down? Can you roll down the window?
Amy: Okay. Okay, okay. Hey.
Gwendolyn: Hey, babe. Listen. Hi. There is a emergency PTA meeting today at five o’clock. It should be about two to three hours.
Amy: Awesome. Awesome.
Jane Mitchell: I can’t believe I’m going to be late to my first soccer practice.
Amy: Baby, I’m doing the best that I can.
Jane Mitchell: Yeah, that’s what makes it even sadder.
Amy: Excuse me, Coach? I’m so sorry that Jane is late. It is all my fault.
Soccer Coach: You look wrecked. You having a bad day?
Amy: Oh, God, it literally could not get any…
Soccer Coach: [as Amy suddenly gets hit by a soccer ball] S**t.
[Amy starts screaming in frustration]
Gwendolyn: Now, I called this emergency PTA meeting to address an issue that radically affects the safety of our children. The bake sale.
Amy: Is this a joke?
Gwendolyn: Now, this is a list of the toxic ingredients that are absolutely banned from the bake sale. No BPA, no MSG, no BHA, no BHT. Plus no soy, no sesame, and, of course, no nuts or eggs or milk or butter or salt or sugar or wheat. Okay?
Amy: Sorry, what ingredients can we use?
Gwendolyn: Anyway, I will be putting together a special bake sale police force that will monitor the food. That will destroy any offensive treats and prosecute the wrongdoers. Yes. So who will be my first volunteer for the bake sale police force? I think we’re going to have Amy Mitchell!
Gwendolyn: That’s what you get for being late, sweetie.
Gwendolyn: What’s that now?
Amy: I’ve had a really long day. I have been bruised and burned, knocked unconscious. I screwed up my daughter’s first day at soccer and I hand-searched my son’s poo for a pen cap and my poor dog has vertigo. I mean, who knew that that was even a real thing, you guys? God, I’m drowning at work and my boss is a f***ing moron. And three hours ago I may or may not have committed a felony hit-and-run. I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. I’m done. I quit.
Carla: [to Kiki] You’re bat-s**t crazy, yeah. And I’m never getting in a car with you.
Carla: [getting drunk at a bar] Do you know what I hate? There are so many f***ing rules now.
Amy: Yes, God. “Don’t punish your kids.”
Kiki: “Don’t say no to your kids.”
Carla: Yeah. “Go to your kid’s baseball games. Tell your kids you love them. Don’t f*** the janitor at your kid’s school.” I mean, what the f*** is this? Russia?
Amy: We’re killing ourselves, trying to be perfect, and it’s making us insane.
Kiki: In this day and age, it’s impossible to be a good mom.
Amy: Screw it.
Amy: Let’s be bad moms.
Carla: Oh, I’m in.
Kiki: Oh, my gosh, okay. This is exciting. I’m in!
Amy: Yes! To bad moms
Kiki: To bad moms!
Carla: To bad moms!
Kiki: [after making a toast to being bad moms] I love you guys.
Carla: [Kiki puts her arms around Amy and Carla] Oh, dude.
Amy: We love you, Kiki.
Carla: We just met, Kiki.
Kiki: Forever. I love you forever.
Carla: I’m not into this kind of…
Amy: Oh, gosh. Honey, we got to go get you home. We got to go.
Carla: Yeah, let’s go.
Amy: We got to go.
Kiki: No, I can’t. I have to go to the supermarket.
Amy: Let’s go to the supermarket!
Amy: [calls Kiki] Hello?
Kiki: Hey, Kiki. It’s Amy.
Amy: Hi! I was actually calling to see, if you’d like to join me at the movies today.
Kiki: Are we allowed to do that?
Amy: Well, I don’t see why not.
Kiki: I can’t. I mean, I have to iron Kent’s underwear.
Amy: What? Why?
Kiki: I don’t know. He likes really stiff underwear.
Amy: Come on, Kiki, live a little.
Kiki: Okay. Okay, okay. I’ll do it.
Amy: Awesome. Okay, I’ll call Carla.
Kiki: Oh, fun! I like her. I’m also very scared of her.
Amy: This has been so much fun. Thank you, girls, for coming out with me.
Kiki: Are you kidding me? This has literally been the best day of my entire life.
Gwendolyn: Well, you see, I care, sweetie. I don’t, I don’t know what’s been going on with you, I mean, with your weird outbursts and your terrible style, but it ends now. Okay? I run this school, and no one takes a class or kicks a ball or plays a f***ing clarinet without my say-so. And I can make life a living hell for you and your dirty little children. Do you understand me?
Amy: Woh, Gwendolyn. I genuinely think you should just relax a little bit. I mean, have a donut hole. They’re delicious. They’re from a gas station. They’re…
Gwendolyn: You have crossed the line, little girl. And I am going to destroy you. Winter is coming.
Carla: [referring to Amy’s bra] Holy f***! Look at your mom bra! There’s so much surface area. You can make three regular bras out of this one mom bra.
Amy: This isn’t my mom bra. This is my sexy bra.
Carla: Shut up!
Amy: Don’t laugh.
Carla: Wait, are you serious?
Carla: Oh, honey.
Carla: Oh! That looks like you just got out of surgery.
Amy: Is it that bad?
Carla: Yeah, there’s just one boob-log.
Carla: You don’t even have two tits.
Amy: I have this in black. Do you guys want to see it in black?
Carla, Kiki: No!
Amy: Oh, wow.
Kiki: This bra will be the death of your v***na.
Amy: You guys, I’ve only handled one p**is my entire life.
Kiki: Oh, honey!
Amy: What do I do if I get a guy with a weird d**k?
Kiki: Kent is a never-hard.
Amy: Ooh, what’s a never-hard?
Kiki: Oh, he never gets fully hard. So I just have to kind of fold his p**is up like a balloon animal and shove it up in my v***na.
Carla: That sounds horrible!
Kiki: Sometimes I take the balls and shove them up there too, because at least, you know, they’re firm.
Carla: Honey, that is a lot of s**t to shove up your cooter.
Kiki: I mean, I’m just happy he’s circumcised.
Amy: What if I get somebody who’s not circumcised?
Carla: Run out of the room screaming. It’s like finding a gun in the street. Just scream and get out of there!
Kiki: No way, you guys. Uncut guys are great.
Kiki: Oh, they’re always so nice to you, because they know their d**ks are gross.
Amy: How do I handle it? What, do I just touch it?
Carla: Oh, I’ll show you. Here. Let me just, Kiki, do you mind for a sec? What?
Carla: [she pulls Kiki’s hoody over her head] Just imagine for a second that this is the hood of the uncut c**k and then this is the p**is face. Okay? So, what you would do is very gently, you would just kind of try to peel it back over like that to expose the head of the c**k.
Carla: [she slowly pulls down Kiki’s hoody off her head] Okay. And then you would just gently, you want to, I’m sorry, honey, you just want to kind of, like it getsa little tight, and you got to kind of work it, you know, you got to work it off. And then you just go to town like it’s a, you know. You know, you jerk it off till you want to sit on it.
Amy: [referring to Kiki’s hoody] Okay? What do I do with this? What? Like, do I put it in a hair clip, or do I just…
Carla: No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no,. This, you can flick it, suck it, you know, rub your face on it.
Amy: I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to rub my face on it.
Carla: Okay, well, take care of this though. Okay, because this is like a big, giant man clit. This, right here. If you work this, it’s going to be like…
Carla: [makes an explosion noise] Does that make sense, honey?
Amy: Yeah, it’s great.
Carla: Okay. Sure, sure, sure. Thank you, honey.
Kiki: I’m not going to wear this sweatshirt ever again.
Amy: How dare you bench my daughter?
Gwendolyn: Oh, hi, Amy.
Amy: You have no right to do that.
Gwendolyn: Oh, actually, I do, because soccer is a PTA-sponsored activity and I am the president of the PTA, so.
Amy: Oh, okay. Well, not for long.
Gwendolyn: Oh, dear. What does that mean?
Amy: That means I’m going to run against you for PTA president.
Gwendolyn: [to the other PTA moms] Amy’s husband just recently left her, so she’s kind of having a mental breakdown right now.
Vicky: Oh, that’s so sad.
Amy: Ooh. You’re going down.
Gwendolyn: No, honey, the only thing going down is your husband on another woman.
Stacy: Well, damn.
Kiki: This is a terrible idea, Amy. There’s no way you can beat her. Gwendolyn has been president of the PTA for the last six years.
Amy: Kiki, she messed with my kid. I can’t let that stand. Come on!
Kiki: Right, but all the different mom groups are going to vote for Gwendolyn. She’s got the attachment moms, she’s got the tiger moms, the sad moms.
Carla: She has the blogging moms.
Kiki: She’s got the CrossFit moms.
Carla: Camel toe moms.
Kiki: She’s got the drunk moms.
Carla: The moms that you want to f***.
Kiki: The moms that used to be dads.
Carla: She has the moms that always have a limb broken.
Kiki: The hairy moms.
Carla: The wearable art moms. The juicing moms. She has the moms with the huge areolas.
Kiki: The black moms, the lesbian moms, the divorced moms. She even has the divorced black lesbian moms. That is a really hard group to get.
Carla: I love those girls.
Kiki: Plus, Amy, if you lose, she’ll destroy you. She’ll put your kids in all the dumb classes with all the dum-dums. She’ll give them the crappy teachers. You can forget about soccer, she won’t even give your kids milk.
Amy: But that’s all the more reason we have to bring her down. I mean, you guys, she’s a bully! Okay, she wants us all to be these perfect little Nazi-moms and our kids to be hyper-stressed and over-scheduled. My daughter gets a new rash every week, and she’s twelve.
Carla: You had me at Nazi. I say we go punch that chick right in the tits.
Amy: I just wish I knew how I was doing, you know?
Kiki: Yeah, that’s the worst part about being a mom, though, is you don’t know whether or not you’re doing a good job until they’re fully grown.
Carla: And by that point, it’s too late. Your kid is either a nice guy or he’s giving hand jobs in an alley for rent.
Kiki: I don’t think those are the only two options. Yesterday, I gave Bernard the wrong juice box and he called me a dumb b**ch.
Amy: Oh, my God.
Carla: Okay. My kid still watches Sesame Street and he doesn’t get it.
Amy: My daughter’s scared of balloons.
Carla: My kid eats butter like an entrée.
Kiki: My daughter stole money from a homeless woman.
Amy: My son failed study hall.
Kiki: Claire killed our neighbor’s ferret. I mean, we all pretended like it was an accident, but it wasn’t. She’s a killer.
Amy: I know we make fun of them, but f***, I love them so much.
Kiki: Me too. I would literally die for them right now.
Amy: Oh, you’re making me cry.
Kiki: I’m already there. I mean, oh, my God, you guys, children are such a gift.
Carla: Every time I think about that big, dumb m**herf***er going off to college, I want to cry like a baby.
Dylan: Hey, so where’s my science project?
Amy: Oh, I didn’t do it.
Dylan: What? But it’s due today.
Amy: Yeah. Yeah.
Dylan: That’s so unfair!
Amy: I know. I know. I’m so sorry. But you’re going to actually have to start doing your own homework from now on.
Dylan: I am a slow learner, remember?
Amy: You’re not a slow learner. You’re just entitled. Honey, do you know what “entitled” means?
Dylan: No. Because I’m a slow learner.
Amy: It means that Mommy and Daddy have been spoiling you, and now you think the world owes you something, but it doesn’t. And if you don’t learn how to work hard now, then you’re just going to grow up to be like another entitled white dude who thinks he’s awesome for no reason. And then you’ll start a Ska Band, and it’ll be awful, and you’ll be mean to girls, and you’ll grow this ironic mustache to look interesting, but you won’t actually be interesting,
and I’m not okay with that. So will you please, please, just do your own homework?
Dylan: Fine. Jesus!
Carla: Do you know the best thing about mom parties?
Amy: They end at exactly at eleven o’clock.
Carla: I made out with so many women tonight.
Amy: I know.
Kiki: Guys, I really like whippets.
Dr. Karl: Remember when I said that all marriages are savable? Well, it ain’t going to happen for you guys.
Amy: So what do you think we should do?
Dr. Karl: Well, as a therapist, I’m not allowed to tell you what to do, but as a human being with two f***ing eyes in my head, yeah, I think you should get divorced as soon as possible. This is some catastrophic s**t.
Principal Burr: I found marijuana cigarettes in your daughter’s locker. Now, it looks like Sour Diesel or a little Afghan Kush.
Amy: That’s impossible. She’s only twelve!
Principal Burr: It happens. Snoop been smoking since he was five.
Amy: [referring going to the PTA election] Oh, my God. No. Sorry, I’m not going to that.
Carla: What? Why not?
Amy: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because my husband left me, my kids left me. My f***ing dog left me. All the moms in school hate me, and I am a complete and utter failure as a mother.
Carla: First of all, you are so not a failure as a mother. In fact, you’re the best mother that we’ve ever seen.
Kiki: True that.
Carla: You give your kids salad. You remember your kids’ birthdays. I mean, I sat here and watched you wait until your kid fell asleep before you got high.
Amy: Most moms do that, Carla.
Carla: That’s most moms, yeah. Well, whatever. This is the worst thing I’ve ever seen you do. You’ve quit trying. We don’t quit! Moms don’t quit! No! Quitting is for dads!
Carla: This is about standing up to the b**ch that hurt your little girl! Now, are you going to sit here and let Gwendolyn get away with this s**t? Don’t do it, Amy.
Amy: F*** that! F*** it!
Carla: You are going to rise up like a small, little white Apollo Creed and you are going to look at Gwendolyn and you are going to say, “You can do what you want to me, I don’t care, throw it at me, but you f***ed with my daughter, and now I have to fight you. I will fight you in the playground. I will fight you in the cafeteria. I will even fight you in the parking lot of Trader Joe’s. But I will have justice for my little girl, because I am a f***ing mom and we protect our young.” So get up off this couch, turn off 12 Years a Slave and let’s body slam this b**ch.
Kiki: Come on, Amy.
Carla: Come on, get those tits up.
Kiki: Get them up.
Carla: Get them up.
Kiki: Get your boobs up.
Carla: Get those tits right up.
Amy: I’m going to get my tits up.
Carla: Get your tits up!
Amy: They’re getting up, you guys. They’re getting up. I can see it. Guys, my tits are getting up. They’re getting up. They’re getting up. That’s it. They are up!
Gwendolyn: But, no, my life is so not awesome.
Amy: Gwendolyn, what could possibly be wrong?
Gwendolyn: Oh, God. Okay, well, for starters my husband was just arrested for embezzling one hundred million dollars from a children’s charity. And I have night terrors, and I have to take Vicodin every 20 minutes, and I’m not even in any pain. I’m just addicted to them now. I’m pretty sure my brother-in-law just joined ISIS, and he’s a Jew! Oh, and also, my DVR just stopped recording Castle, just out of nowhere. Like, how the f*** does that even happen? And I am the only thing holding my family together, so, yeah, it’s awesome. It’s just awesome.