Starring: Zach Galifianakis, Owen Wilson, Kristen Wiig, Ken Marino, Jason Sudeikis, Jon Daly, Devin Ratray, Mary Elizabeth Ellis, Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones
OUR RATING: ★★☆☆☆
Action comedy based on true events directed by Jared Hess. Masterminds (2016) follows David Ghantt (Zach Galifianakis), a night guard at an armored car company who lives a monotonous life transporting millions of other people’s money with no escape in sight. The only glimmer of excitement is his flirtatious work crush Kelly Campbell (Kristen Wiig) who soon lures him into the scheme of a lifetime. Along with a group of half-brained criminals led by Steve Chambers (Owen Wilson) and an absurdly faulted heist plan, David manages the impossible and makes off with millions in cash. However, he foolishly hands the money over to the group who double-cross him and set him up to take the fall, David must dodge the authorities, evade a hit man, Mike McKinney (Jason Sudeikis), and try to turn the tables on the ones he trusted most.
David Ghantt: My name is David Ghantt, I always felt I was destined for a life of adventure. Then one day I met Miss Kelly Campbell.
Beryl: There he is. The man of your dreams.
Jandice: It’s like you’re marrying both of us, David. Me and mama.
Kelly Campbell: What would you do with a million dollars?
David Ghantt: Probably start my own business, maybe be a bounty hunter.
Kelly Campbell: Nice.
David Ghantt: [after the loaded gun in the back of his trousers goes off] Oh, that burns!
Kelly Campbell: Oh, my gosh. David! Let me see!
David Ghantt: Oh, God!
Kelly Campbell: [looks at his buttocks] I think that bullet just went straight between your cheeks.
David Ghantt: Yeah, it feels like it just grazed my biscuits right there betwixt them.
Kelly Campbell: Right down the middle.
Steve Chambers: Kelly tells me you all work together over at Loomis. That strikes me as an incredible opportunity.
David Ghantt: You talking about robbing a bank?
Steve Chambers: How hard can it be? You load up a truck and you drive away.
David Ghantt: Dear merciful Lord, it’s me, David.
Steve Chambers: [watching Ghantt from his car] Is he praying?
David Ghantt: Forgive me for stealing all this loot.
Steve Chambers: He’s praying.
David Ghantt: I promise I’m going to do something noble with it, like opening a teen camp, or at risk horses.
Steve Chambers: He’s so lame.
News Reporter: Police are calling one of the largest cash heists ever. Authorities are searching now for this man.
[showing a photo of David]
Detective: Seventeen million missing.
Detective: [holds up a picture of David] Look at him, he looks like Kenny Rogers and Kenny Loggins had a lovechild, and then Kenny G he just showed up to the birthday party and started playing a flute and messed this boy up.
Steve Chambers: It’s time to cut David Ghantt from the team.
Kelly Campbell: We can’t do this, this is wrong!
Mike McKinney: [sat with Chambers, his wife, and two young sons] So, who do y’all want me to kill?
Steve Chambers: Who. Not now. Not in front of…
Mike McKinney: [as Steve nods his head towards his sons] Oh, is it one of them?
Steve Chambers: No.
Michelle: Boys, go upstairs right now. See you all in a little bit.
David Ghantt: Steve Chambers double-crossed me.
Kelly Campbell: [locked up in the garage] David?
David Ghantt: Yeah, right here, sugar bush. Okay, don’t worry about a thing.
David Ghantt: [he punches through the door and hits Kelly in the stomach] Lord, that’s a cheap door.
Kelly Campbell: You got to give me a three count next time.
[suddenly David bursts in through the door and lands on to Kelly]
David Ghantt: [driving towards a metal gate in an expensive car] Brace your boobies.
Kelly Campbell: What?
David Ghantt: Sometimes the only way out is through.
Kelly Campbell: No, no, no, no!
[Ghantt goes straight into the gate, which doesn’t open, and destroys the front of the car]
Detective: Katie Candy Cane, is she a stripper?