We all know that there a lot of funny movie quotes out there, and to help you along on this little expedition of merriment and amusement, here is our collection of our favorite lines. So if you don’t have the time to watch the entire film, well, these quotes are the next best thing. Hopefully these quotes will put a smile on your face. But remember, don’t take the jokes too seriously!
A – Z Funny Movie Quotes
10 Things I Hate About You (1999)
Chastity: I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?
Bianca: I think you can in Europe.
Ms. Perky: People perceive you as somewhat…
Kat Stratford: Tempestuous?
Ms. Perky: “Heinous b**ch” is the term used most often.
Walter Stratford: Hello, Katarina. Make anyone cry today?
Kat Stratford: Sadly, no. But it’s only 4:30.
The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)
David: [referring to Andy’s incredibly hairy chest] I love your sweater. Does that come in a V-neck?
Uncle Fester: The key with women is to make a strong first impression.
Pugsley Addams: You mean like a bad smell?
Uncle Fester: Well, that goes without saying.
See more The Addams Family 2 Quotes
Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
Ted Striker: Surely you can’t be serious.
Rumack: I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.
Hanging Lady: [as the plane prepares to take off] Nervous?
Ted Striker: Yes.
Hanging Lady: First time?
Ted Striker: No, I’ve been nervous lots of times.
Rumack: You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.
Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
Captain Oveur: I can’t tell.
Rumack: You can tell me. I’m a doctor.
Captain Oveur: No, I mean I’m just not sure.
Rumack: Well, can’t you take a guess?
Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Rumack: You can’t take a guess for another two hours?
Rex Kramer: Get that finger out of your ear! You don’t know where that finger’s been!
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
Ed Harken: A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining about a lack of diversity on the news team.
Champ Kind: What in the hell’s diversity?
Ron Burgundy: Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
American Reunion (2012)
Jim’s Dad: I have not had a night like that since the seventies.
Jim: [disgusted] Don’t need this.
Jim’s Dad: You’d be surprised what you can do with a well placed thumb.
Annie Hall (1977)
Alvy Singer: I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Tony Mendez: What are you shooting?
John Chambers: Monster movie.
Tony Mendez: Oh, yeah? Is it any good?
John Chambers: Target audience will hate it.
Tony Mendez: Who’s the target audience?
John Chambers: People with eyes.
As Good as It Gets (1997)
Melvin Udall: [enters his psychiatrist’s office] Hi.
Melvin Udall: [shuts the door, turns and yells] Help!
Dr. Green: If you want to see me, you will not do this. You will make an appointment.
Melvin Udall: Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone as an obsessive compulsive disorder, and then act like I have some choice about barging in here?
Melvin Udall: People who talk in metaphors ought to shampoo my crotch.
Carol Connelly: When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome. And then, of course, you spoke.
Melvin Udall: You’re a disgrace to depression.
Austin Powers (1997)
Dr. Evil: My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for bu**ery. My mother was a fifteen year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my t**ticles. There really is nothing like a shorn sc**tum. It’s breathtaking. I suggest you try it.
Peter Quill: I’m going to ask you this one time, where is Gamora?
Tony Stark: Yeah, I’ll do you one better. Who’s Gamora?
Dax: I’ll do you one better! Why is Gamora?
See more Avengers: Infinity War Quotes
Dr. Karl: Remember when I said that all marriages are savable? Well, it ain’t going to happen for you guys.
Amy: So what do you think we should do?
Dr. Karl: Well, as a therapist, I’m not allowed to tell you what to do. But as a human being with two f***ing eyes in my head, yeah, I think you should get divorced as soon as possible. This is some catastrophic s**t.
Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar (2021)
Star: God, it’s so funny to think all the raccoons in the world are sleeping right now.
Star: Listen, I don’t really know more than what I’ve already said. And some of what I said I’m not even sure I actually know.
See more Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar Quotes
Chris: [referring Emily’s medically induced coma] You know, it might be a good thing. Like, she might wake up with a new skill. Like, my cousin, uh, blacked out once, and then, when he came to, he thought he knew a different language.
CJ: Did he?
Chris: No. Apparently, it was just gibberish that he made up. It was brain damage.
Blazing Saddles (1974)
Jim: What did you expect? “Welcome, sonny.” “Make yourself at home.” “Marry my daughter.” You’ve got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know, morons.
Bart: I’m rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town.
Jim: See? In another twenty-five years, you’ll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.
Bart: A man drink like that and he don’t eat, he is going to die.
Jim: [eagerly] When?
Jim: [explaining why he became a drunk] Well, it got so that every pi**-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word “draw” in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street when I heard a voice behind me say, “Reach for it, mister!” I spun around, and there I was, face-to-face with a six year-old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little b*st*rd shot me in the a**. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I’ve been there ever since.
Hedley Lamarr: Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that property, the rightful owners.
Lyle: [Taggart finds everyone at the camp farting whilst eating beans] How about some more beans, Mr. Taggart?
Taggart: [fans his hat in the air to remove the stench] I’d say you’ve had enough!
Bart: Hey, Charlie. What is it that’s not exactly water and it ain’t exactly earth?
Bart, Charlie: Quicksand!
Cars 2 (2011)
Finn McMissile: Finn McMissile, British intelligence.
Mater: Tow Mater, average intelligence.
The Change-Up (2011)
Dave: You’re living the dream, Mitch. Having children, it’s like, it’s living with little mini-heroin addicts. You know, they’re laughing one minute, and then they’re crying the next. And then they trying to kill themselves in the bathroom for no good reason. They’re very mean, and selfish, and burn through your money. And they break s**t…
Mitch: Got it! Got it! Got it!
Cher: I want to do something for humanity.
Josh: How about sterilization?
Heather: It’s just like Hamlet said, “To thine own self be true.”
Cher: Hamlet didn’t say that.
Heather: I think I remember Hamlet accurately.
Cher: Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn’t say that. That Polonius guy did.
Cher: [after taking her drivers test] So, how did I do?
DMV Tester: How did you do? Well, let’s just see shall we? You can’t park. You can’t change lanes. You can’t make right hand turns. You damaged private property, and you almost killed someone. Off hand, I’d say you failed.
Cher: Would you call me selfish?
Dionne: No, not to your face.
Tai: Do you think she’s pretty?
Cher: No, she’s a full-on Monet.
Tai: What’s a Monet?
Cher: It’s like a painting, see? From far away, it’s okay, but up close, it’s a big old mess. Let’s ask a guy. Christian, what do you think of Amber?
Jacob: The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner’s ball sack.
See more Crazy Stupid Love Quotes
Wade Wilson: I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn’t having it.
Vanessa Carlysle: Hey, uh, they’ve made three of those movies.
Wade Wilson: At some point you have to wonder if he’s just a bad parent.
Cable: Dubstep’s for pu**ies.
Deadpool: You’re so dark! Are you sure you’re not from the DC universe? I love dubstep!
Gru: [shows Perkins his plans for stealing the moon] I fly to the moon, I shrink the moon, I grab the moon, I sit on the toilet bowl… What?!
[sees a child’s drawing in his plans of himself sitting on a toilet bowl]
Gru: Just because everybody hates, it doesn’t mean it’s not good.
See more Despicable Me 2 Quotes
The Devil Wears Prada (2006)
Emily: I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.
Tommy Wiseau: I did not hit her. It’s not true. It’s bulls**t. I did not hit her. I did not.
Tommy Wiseau: [throws a water bottle on the ground] Oh, hi, Mark.
See more The Disaster Artist Quotes
Dumb & Dumber (1994)
Harry: One time, we successfully mated a bulldog with a Shih-Tzu.
Mary: Really? That’s weird.
Harry: Yeah, we called it a bulls**t.
State Trooper: Pullover!
Harry: No, it’s a cardigan but thanks for noticing.
Lloyd: Yeah, killer boots man!
Harry: Yeah, I called her up. She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.
Dumb and Dumber To (2014)
Harry Dunne: Woh. Check out the hotties at twelve o’clock.
Lloyd Christmas: That’s three hours away. Why can’t I check them out now?
Ethan Tremblay: [to his father’s ashes] Dad, you were like a father to me.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)
Ed Rooney: Last thing I need at this point in my career is fifteen hundred Ferris Bueller disciples running around these halls. He jeopardizes my ability to effectively govern this student body.
Grace: Well, makes you look like an a** is what he does, Ed.
Ed Rooney: I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.
Grace: Oh, he’s very popular, Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, d**kheads, they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.
Ferris: Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his a**, in two weeks you’d have a diamond.
Ed Rooney: Les jeux sont faits. Translation, “The game is up. Your a** is mine.”
Dory: I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.
Guy: He’s just resting.
Buddy: In pieces! That man is dead!
Guy: He’s so sleepy. I’m just going to put your gun down right here, for when you wake.
The Commissaire: This is my oldest friend, Chou-fleur. When I met him, he was a girlish little schoolboy with ringlets and a full set of teeth. Now, he looks like a corpse.
See more The French Dispatch Quotes
Anna: Olaf, you’re melting.
Olaf: Some people are worth melting for.
Olaf: [as his face starts to melt he tries to hold it up] Just maybe not right this second!
Brooks: We can’t go to the cops!
Brooks: The Bulgarian’s got a ton of moles.
Annie: On his face?
Brooks: No, in the police department.
Max: My neighbor is a total nymphomaniac. Her boyfriend’s always over.
Lucas: She starts fires?
Max: No, that’s a pyromaniac. She’s a nymphomaniac. Someone who has s*x on land and sea.
Phil: Do you ever have deja vu, Mrs. Lancaster?
Mrs. Lancaster: I don’t think so, but I could check with the kitchen.
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
Groot: I am Groot.
Peter Quill: Well that’s just as fascinating as the first eighty-nine times. What is wrong with Giving Tree here?
Rocket Raccoon: Well he don’t know talking good like me and you, so his vocabulistics is limited to “I” and “am” and “Groot,” exclusively in that order.
Peter Quill: Well I tell you what, that’s going to wear real thin, real fast, bud.
See more Guardians of the Galaxy Quotes
Stu Price: I look like a nerdy hillbilly!
Alan: I’m going to miss you monkey. I wish monkeys could Skype. Maybe one day.
See more The Hangover Part II Quotes
Happy Feet Two (2011)
Carmen: You, me? Fat chance!
Ramon: I have a chance! And it’s fat!
Mullins: You are killing us out there, you don’t fit in! Take off that f***ing jacket.
Ashburn: This is a good jacket.
Mullins: Really? Because you look like you’re going to set up a table and do their f***ing taxes!
Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard (2021)
Michael Bryce: Let’s get into character. I’m the bodyguard. Now, let’s hear the British accent of Carlo’s mistress.
Sonia Kincaid: My British accent is perfect, you f***ing c***.
Michael Bryce: Okay, let’s skip the British accent, and go straight to being brutally executed.
See more Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard Quotes
Sadness: Crying helps me slow down and obsess over the weight of life’s problems.
Jack and Jill (2011)
Jill: Are you going bald?
Jill: No! No! No! You’re getting fatter and your hair doesn’t realize it needs to cover more face.
Joyful Noise (2012)
G.G. Sparrow: Well, I am who I am!
Vi Rose Hill: Well, maybe you were, five procedures ago.
Kung Fu Panda 2 (2011)
Shen: [sees that Po is alive] How many times do I have to kill the same stinking panda?!
Kung Fu Panda 3 (2016)
Po: Master Shifu? Good time, bad time?
Shifu: Time is an illusion. There is only the now.
Po: So now is a…good time?
Katherine Newbury: It’s so unfair. I mean, Tom Cruise is the same age as me. We’re the same age. He gets to fight the Mummy. I am the Mummy! You know what? No, no, no. I’m too old to play the Mummy. They’d get Anne Hathaway in to play the Mummy, and put like Mummy makeup on her. I’m probably going to have to have a facelift just to do voice work. I’m going to have to have like Botox and lip filler just to play the voice of a wise old tree in a Pixar movie.
Robin: My name’s Richard Grayson, but all the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.
Batman: Well, children can be cruel.
See more The Lego Batman Quotes
Batman: If anybody has black parts I need them, okay? I only work in black. And sometimes very, very dark grey.
See more The Lego Movie Quotes
Life of Brian (1979)
Brian’s mother: He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy!
Brian: [to the crowd] I’m not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? Alright! I am the Messiah!
Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian: Now, f*** off!
Arthur: [everyone goes silent] How shall we f*** off, O Lord?
Lead Singer Crucifee: [singing] Life’s a piece of s**t when you look at it. Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke. It’s true!
Little Miss Sunshine (2006)
Richard: Oh, my God. I’m getting pulled over. Everyone, just pretend to be normal.
Richard: Sarcasm is the refuge of losers.
Frank: [sarcastically] It is? Really?
Richard: Sarcasm is losers trying to bring winners down to their level.
Frank: [sarcastically] Wow, Richard, you’ve really opened my eyes to what a loser I am. How much do I owe you for those pearls of wisdom?
Richard: Oh, that ones on the house.
The Man with Two Brains (1983)
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!
Dr. Necessiter’s butler: Can I get you anything more, doctor? I’m about to retire.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Really? You seem so young.
Marcel the Shell with Shoes On (2022)
Marcel: Sometimes, people say that my head is too big for my body. And then I say, “Compared to what?”
See more Marcel the Shell with Shoes On Quotes
Muppets Most Wanted (2014)
Constantine the Frog: My name will go down in history as greatest thief of all time.
Dominic Badguy: You mean our names, right?
Constantine the Frog: Of course. My name first, then spacebar, spacebar, spacebar, your name.
Dominic Badguy: Dominic. International tour manager.
Fozzie Bear: [Dominic puts his business card on the table] Dominic Badguy?
Dominic Badguy: “Badjee”. It’s French.
Walter: Do you guys think that Kermit’s been acting a little weird lately?
Miss Piggy: That’s ridiculous! He’s never been more caring and devoted to me.
Rizzo: Yeah, that’s what we’re saying!
The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)
Jane: Would you like a nightcap?
Frank: No, thank you. I don’t wear them.
The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear (1991)
Lt. Frank Drebin: This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you want to do it. Just remember the two key elements here. One, guns to be thrown down. Two, come on out!
Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
Napoleon Dynamite: Heck, yes! I’d vote for you.
Pedro: Like what are my skills?
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you’re really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus, you’re like the only guy at school who has a mustache.
Uncle Rico: What about your girlfriend?
Kip: Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for like two hours every day. So I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983)
Clark Griswold: I think you’re all f***ed in the head. We’re ten hours from the f***ing fun park, and you want to bail out! Well, I’ll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. I’m going to have fun, and you’re going to have fun. We’re all going to have so much f***ing fun, we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You’ll be whistling Zippity Do-da out of your a**holes! I got to be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy s**t!
Holland March: Look at the bright side, nobody got hurt.
Jackson Healy: People got hurt.
Holland March: I’m saying I think they died quickly, so I don’t think that they got hurt.
Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It’s not that hard. Na-ghee-na-na-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, at least your name isn’t Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know, there’s nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it. Until I was about twelve years-old, and that no-talent a**-clown became famous, and started winning Grammys.
The Other Guys (2010)
Terry Hoitz: Your farts aren’t manly.
Allen Gamble: Are you serious?
Terry Hoitz: They sound like a baby blowing out birthday candles.
Allen Gamble: At age eleven, I audited my parents. Believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded.
Nyles: Material matters don’t really concern me.
Sarah: With the exception of booze, and burritos, and designer drugs, and candy.
Nyles: Obviously. I’m not a Puritan.
Mr. Prenderghast: Do you know who I am?
Neil: The weird stinky old bum, who lives up the hill?
Mr. Prenderghast: I was asking him!
[points to Norman]
Penguins of Madagascar (2014)
Skipper: We got a soggy mad man to stop.
Classified: I give the orders round here. You were supposed to handcuff them!
Short Fuse: But they don’t have hands. They just have flippers, and I have flippers. So it’s flipping useless!
Dave: Nicolas! Cage them!
Dave: Helen, hunt them down!
Dave: Charlize, they’re on the ray!
Dave: Elijah, would you please take them away.
Dave: William! Hurt them!
Dave: Drew! Barry! More power!
Dave: Hugh! Jack! Man the battle stations!
Dave: Robin, write this down!
Dave: Halle, bury them!
Dave: Kevin, bake on! We’re still going to need that victory cake!
Peter Rabbit 2: The Runaway (2021)
Pigling Bland: It’s about time he had a hobby. I just hope he’s as successful at his as I am at mine.
Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle: And what is that?
Pigling Bland: Passing judgement.
See more Peter Rabbit 2: The Runaway Quoets
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)
Captain Teague: I heard where you’re headed. The Fountain.
Jack Sparrow: Have you been there?
Captain Teague: Does this face look like it’s been to the Fountain of Youth?
Jack Sparrow: Depends on the light.
See more Pirates of Caribbean: On Stranger Tides Quotes
Pineapple Express (2008)
Dale Denton: Couscous. The food’s so nice they named it twice.
The Proposal (2009)
Margaret Tate: What am I allergic to?
Andrew Paxton: Pine nuts, and the full spectrum of human emotion.
Humpty Dumpty: You got any idea what they do to eggs in San Ricardo prison? I’ll tell you this, my friend. It ain’t over-easy!
Ohhh Cat: Ooh!
Ralph Breaks the Internet (2018)
Ralph: [referring to Google] Wow. I guess we know where to go if we ever need a pair of goggles. There’s a whole building full of them.
See more Ralph Breaks the Internet Quotes
Nolan Booth: All that working out. You still get your a** spanked by a toothless man with tuberculosis.
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)
Wallace Wells: If you want something bad, you have to fight for it. Step up your game, Scott, break out the L word.
Scott Pilgrim: Lesbian?
Wallace Wells: The other L word.
Scott Pilgrim: Lesbians?
Seven Psychopaths (2012)
Hans: An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.
Billy: No, it doesn’t. There will be one guy left with one eye. How’s the last blind guy going to take out the eye of the last guy left?
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Man, this would be so much easier if I wasn’t color-blind!
Lord Farquaad: [snaps off Gingerbread Man’s legs] “Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can’t catch me, I’m the Gingerbread Man.”
Gingerbread Man: You’re a monster.
Lord Farquaad: I’m not the monster here, you are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?
Gingerbread Man: Eat me!
[spits in Farquaad’s face]
Shrek: Ogres are like onions.
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: Yes. No!
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry.
Donkey: Oh, you leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sprouting little white hairs.
Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers! Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh, you know, not everybody likes onions.
Donkey: Man, you got to warn somebody before you crack one like that. My mouth was open and everything.
Shrek: Donkey, if that was me, you’d be dead. That’s brimstone, we must be getting close
Donkey: Yeah, right. Brimstone, don’t be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelt, and it wasn’t no brimstone, and it didn’t come off no stone neither.
The Donkey: You can’t die on me, Shrek! I’m too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich?
The Donkey: Come on, princess, you’re not that ugly. Alright, you are ugly. But you’re only like this at night. Shrek’s ugly 24/7.
Dr. Melik: Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
Miles Monroe: Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.
Luna Schlosser: So then, what do you believe in?
Miles Monroe: S*x and death, two things that come once in a lifetime. But at least after death, you’re not nauseous.
Miles Monroe: When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said rabies. She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets. I thought she’d been bitten by a great dane.
Miles Monroe: We’re here to see the nose. I hear it was running.
Miles Monroe: I’m not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.
Miles Monroe: This stuff tastes awful. I could make a fortune selling it in my health food store.
Luna Schlosser: S*x is different now. There are no problems. Everyone is frigid now.
Miles Monroe: So all the men are impotent.
Luna Schlosser: Pretty much, except for those whose ancestors were Italian.
Miles Monroe: I knew there was something in that pasta.
Anton: Who the f*** are you?
Susan Cooper: I’m the person that’s going to cut your d**k off and glue it to your forehead so you look like a limp-d**k unicorn! That’s who the f*** I am!
Step Brothers (2008)
Brennan Huff: I have a belly full of white dog crap in me, and now you lay this s**t on me?
Male Therapist: So, Dale. I don’t know how much you know about therapy, but it usually starts by you telling me a little something about yourself.
Dale Doback: I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I’m smarter than most of the people who go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard, like half an equation, and I just figure it out.
Male Therapist: Is this Good Will Hunting?
Dale Doback: No.
Male Therapist: It sounds a lot like the plot of Good Will Hunting.
Dale Doback: Yeah. Anyway. My best friend is Ben Affleck.
Peacemaker: You got to be kidding me. You’re going to risk the entire mission for a mental defective dressed as a court jester.
Bloodsport: This coming from a guy that wears a toilet seat on his head?
See more The Suicide Squad Quotes
Hogan ‘Hoagie’ Malloy: Synchronize your watches.
Bob Callahan: I don’t know how to do that.
Randy ‘Chilli’ Cilliano: I don’t wear a watch.
Kevin Sable: Time is a construct.
Flynn Rider: You smell that? Take a deep breath through the nose. Really let that seep in. What are you getting? Because to me it’s part man-smell and the other part is really bad man-smell. I don’t know why, but overall it just smells like the color brown. Your thoughts?
Ted: I look stupid.
John Bennett: No, you don’t. You look dapper.
Ted: I don’t! I look like Snuggles accountant.
John Bennett: Come on. It’s not that bad.
Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell them Grandma died.
John Bennett: Look, I know it sucks, okay? But you got to make some money so you can pay for an apartment.
Ted: I don’t want to work at a grocery store.
John Bennett: Yeah, but you have no skills.
Ted: I told you, I can totally be a lawyer.
Samantha: Do I have “f*** me” eyes?
Ted: No, you have the “Give us the ring, my precious” eyes.
That’s My Boy (2012)
Donny Levine: What the f*** is this?
Mrs. Ravensdale: It’s water infused with cucumber, rose petal, and harvest sandylion.
Donny Levine: It tastes like f***ing d**k infused with balls!
This Is the End (2013)
Craig Robinson: I would suck a d**k for half a cracker!
Toy Story (1995)
Woody: You! Are! A! Toy! You aren’t the real Buzz Lightyear! You’re an action figure! You are a child’s play thing!
Buzz: You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity.
Mr. Potato Head: Did you all take Stupid Pills this morning?
Toy Story 3 (2010)
Mr. Potato Head: [to the toy Peas-in-a-Pod] I told you kids to stay out of my butt!
Kirk Lazarus: Me? I know who I am! I’m a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude.
See more Tropic Thunder Quotes
The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (2022)
Nick Cage: I should always trust my shamanic instincts as a thespian.
See more The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent Quotes
The Watch (2012)
Franklin: [interrogating a teenage kid] Look at his face.
Evan: Look at my face.
Franklin: Look at this face and listen to me.
Evan: Look at him and listen to me.
Franklin: Look at me.
Evan: Look at me.
Franklin: Look at him and understand me. Look at both of us, but understand no one. Listen to my words, and hear his face.
Weird: The Al Yankovic Story (2022)
Mary: Honey, I know it’s hard to hear this, but your dad and I had a long talk, and we agreed it would be best for all of us if you would just stop being who you are and doing the things you love.
See more Weird: The Al Yankovic Story Quotes
What We Do in the Shadows (2014)
Deacon: I’ll kill you!
Nick: I’m already dead!
Vladislav: When you get three vampires in a flat, obviously there’s going to be a lot of tension.
Viago: [referring to the housework rota list] It’s been like this the whole time, Deacon on dishes. And it still hasn’t moved in five years. You’re a cool guy, but you are not pulling your weight in the flat.
Deacon: Oh, I’m glad to hear that I’m cool.
Vladislav: No, that’s not the point though. You’re missing the point.
Deacon: No, no, no. I’m not. I know.
Viago: This is not a meeting about how cool you are.
Deacon: [sprawled on a chair] When you’re a vampire you become very s*xy.
[waves his hands to himself]
Vladislav: The trouble with being a vampire is you have to be invited in.
Viago: [we see the trio trying to get into a club] Invite us in to the bar.
Bouncer: You can walk in.
Vladislav: No, you need to invite us in!
Anton, werewolf: What are we?
Werewolves: Werewolves not swearwolves.
Viago: Yeah, some of our clothes are from victims. You might bite someone, and then, you think, “Ooh, those are some nice pants!”
Stu: [showing them Google] Anything you want to find you type it in.
Viago: I lost a really nice silk scarf in about 1912.
Deacon: Yes, now Google it.
The World’s End (2013)
Gary King: And we’re back, just like The Five Musketeers.
Steven: Three Musketeers, isn’t it?
Gary King: Well nobody knows how many there were really, do they?
Oliver: You do know that The Three Musketeers is a fiction, right? Written by Alexandre Dumas.
Gary King: A lot of people are saying that about the Bible these days.
Steven: What, that is was written by Alexandre Dumas?
Gary King: Oh, don’t be daft, Steve! It was written by Jesus.
Steven: Shouldn’t we head back to London?
Gary King: A, we’re all drunk. B, we’ve got blood on our hands.
Peter: [holds up his hands, which are covered in a blue color] It’s more like ink.
Gary King: We’ve got ink on our hands.
Wreck-It Ralph (2012)
King Candy: You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses, would you?
King Candy: [as Ralph takes the glasses from his face and smashes it over his head] You hit a guy with glasses! That’s, that’s well played.
Vanellope von Schweetz: What’s that?
Wreck-It Ralph: A medal. I earned it in Heroes Doodie.
Wreck-It Ralph: [as Vanellope laughs] It’s not that kind of doody.
Vanellope von Schweetz: I bet you’re really going to want to watch where you step in the game called “Heroes Doodie”!
Fix-It Felix: Why do I fix everything I touch?!
Sergeant Calhoun: Who in the holy hot cakes are you?!
Sergeant Calhoun: Do you know what the first rule of Hero’s Duty is, soldier?
Wreck-It Ralph: No cuts, no buts, no coconuts?
Maury Ballstein: Mugatu is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.
Derek Zoolander: Why do you hate models, Matilda?
Matilda: I think they’re vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
Hansel: I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?
Mugatu: Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte?
Derek Zoolander: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, “Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman.”
VH1 Reporter: Derek, are you worried about Hansel?
Derek Zoolander: Uh, not as much as I’m worried about Gretel.
Hansel: I guess you can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.
Derek Zoolander: I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
Zoolander 2 (2016)
Montana Grosso: Be careful, he’ll try to get inside your head.
Derek Zoolander: Don’t worry, it’s closed for business.